Need suggestions

Submitted by celticmom on November 11, 2010 - 4:00pm
Body: 

My H says he can feel prolapse even though Dr. says not possible. It is effecting our intimacy. Are there any suggestions to getting around this? I have a high libido, and this is causing some serious issues on my end. He's trying, but it doesn't seem to be working well.

louiseds

November 11, 2010 - 8:46pm

Hi Celticmom

I can understand your distress at having a threat to your sexuality and your primary relationship.

Firstly, I can clarify that we are really not in the business of relationship counselling, but in the end that is what it comes down to.

Firstly, I don't think Doctor is any position to know whether or not your husband can feel what he can feel. I think your husband has more idea of what is going on in there than the doctor, so I know who I would be listening to! ;-) I am guessing that the Doctor's opinion reflects what we have been told by women on these Forums (ie that male sexual partners will not even notice POP) and did not want to discuss it further, maybe out of embarrassment or real lack of personal knowledge. Doctors don't know everything, but sometimes they are a bit uncomfortable about not having answers for everything, and go into automatic authority mode. You have said your husband can feel it. I believe you.

POP is not always the same. We know that they change during the day, and during the month, and that two different doctors will examine a woman and come up with different descriptions. Once you become familiar with the way your organs can rearrange themselves you will understand better what is happening, and you will hopefully be able to work out how to use your body in ways that are more pleasurable for both of you. I don't think this will spell the end of your sex life. ;-)

I would also like to clarify some off your phrasing. I am wondering what he means by saying that he can *feel* your prolapse? Is this causing him a problem (physical, mental or emotional?) or is it making you feel not OK, and not enjoying sex because of your feelings or the sensations you experience? You mention 'issues' at your end. Can you be more specific?

Before looking for workarounds, it would be helpful to know where you are in your reproductive life (normal /postpartum /nursing /perimenopausal /menopausal /post menopause?), what sort of POPs you have, and when you discovered your POPs. Also, what symptoms you have.

This is jumping in at the deep end for a first post, and as a first response by me. If you would prefer to answer any of these questions by private email, then go ahead and contact me by clicking on my username then going to the Contact tab. However, if you are happy to continue posting on the Forums it will enable others to respond to you as well, and give you a variety of input, and it will add to the variety of stories we hear and respond to.

You have probably had a look at old posts via the Search engine. Any search for "sex" will demonstrate that there is no such thing as TMI on these Forums, as long as it is in the interests of further knowledge.

Hope to hear from you again.

Louise

squeak

November 12, 2010 - 12:42pm

Celtic, can you two go for some counselling? I know my husband's mind is his main sex organ, and that sure 'feels' my Pop, even though he says his 'stupid d**k' actually can't!

It is stressful to a man to have this happen to 'his' woman, and maybe this is his way of articulating that he needs some help getting used to the situation, too?

lanny

November 12, 2010 - 2:12pm

celticmom,

aside from the feedback you have gotten already, you may not be aware that i've written a husband's guide to prolapse which you both may find helpful. it's in the WW Library.

since i see you're new to the forum, i don't know if you've read christine's book and/or DVD. if not, this is your starting point on the path to your real education about prolapse. you don't have prolapse alone. you and your husband both are effected by your condition and you both need education to get past the emotional reactions.

welcome to the whole woman family. you've come to the right place.

lanny (christine's DH and WW CTO)

celticmom

November 12, 2010 - 2:39pm

Louise,
First of all I'd like to thank all of you for input. I know its the deep end, but I always tend to just jump right in. I'm definitely far from shy, and if that can help someone else, it makes me feel useful. I like to be informed, that's how I found this site.
To clarify, my H admitted that he had been able, for some time, to feel the POP w his d**k. We are a couple that met later in life after divorces and children. We had been discussing having a child together. All my health checkups to see if this was still I viable option confirmed the prolapse which I had been suspecting, but was told by previous Drs. it was just a part of aging after giving birth to 3 children. I have a feeling my uterus and bladder have been dropping for several years now. It has just gotten consecutively worse over the past year. Having to pee every 30 minutes was getting on my nerves!!!
I think we were trying too hard to get past it and he was starting to go, to be blunt, soft in the middle of our time together. He got excited enough, but as soon as he was inside me, that was it.
He did say we would get through this, and, I will say just getting it out helped me relax. We tried again last night, and no problem!!! There are good and bad days though. Being sexual is a big part of being defined as a woman to me. He has always been wonderful about that. At least we are on the same page that surgery is not an option. The pessary is proving to not be the "godsend" I was hoping for. I think it makes matters worse for me. My first week using the gel, I got a horrid yeast infection. Then this, in the bedroom. I just fell apart! Then I found all of you wonderful women!
I talk too much, I know. Anyway, just reading, and knowing I'm not alone helps tremendously. I am highly homeopathic, and knowing I have Natural options, and CAN do something gives me a feeling of control again. We are low on $$s right now, but I am hoping to get the book or DVD in the near future. The light Yoga I've been learning is helping me mentally at least.
I will continue to read so maybe I can help someone else. Thank you

celticmom

November 12, 2010 - 3:09pm

This is absolutely amazing! I think this is where things got weird. We were both sitting in front of the Dr. with different agendas, as usually happens in the male vs female perspective. I wanted answers-He wanted to fix it for me. We finally sat down and discussed this when we could calm down. I told him when he was pushing the so called "fix it' mode, and wanting to talk about options right after I was told my body would never be the same, I couldn't process it. We were in the car on the way home, and I just wanted him to be quiet and let me crawl under the preverbal rock for a while. He wanted to share, what were valid feelings and concerns of his. I new this affected him, but I felt like I didn't need to worry about how both of us felt, when my plate was already overflowing. I couldn't get away from it, or him. So I snapped. I told him he only heard what he wanted out of the Dr., and as a man, would never get it.
I found out later that he went online, and started asking women in our life about it. He needed to understand too. This article will help him understand a bit more what I was explaining to him. That Medical Practice is just what it sounds like. It is a series of trial and error that I don't want to be part of right now.

Sammy

November 13, 2010 - 5:44am

SSHH
My husband is i think what they call a senior.. Sex has always been a given for us. when my uterus was prolapsed... He could not get passed it when we were doing our given... this is one of the reasons I listend to the other side... Now I have mesh which hurts like hell with intercourse and makes it a non event... I choose the wrong path but trust that the mesh can be made less hurtful - and we can get on with our given

squeak

November 13, 2010 - 6:43am

Celtic it's good to hear that this time things went better, often just being open and honest helps - there's a reason this stuff is called 'intimacy'

I am pretty new to sex with pop but want to pass along two tips that Louiseds gave me that have been very useful:
1) Stick your butt out so your back is arched, this tightens things up a bit, and you can find a way to do it in most positions: missionary you do it by collapsing your knees to the side.
2) make sure he is angled towards your spine.

And also, I make sure to empty my bladder and bowel completely, splinting if need be, directly beforehand (dirctly as in, I will go and empty my bladder again while he waits between foreplay and penetration). This reduces the size of bulges, and angling bckwards means he shouldn't be 'bumping into' your cervix.

Good luck : )

louiseds

November 13, 2010 - 8:27am

Hi Celticmom

OK, it looks like you are on the right track already. A problem shared is a problem half solved. And this sort of problem has to be sorted by both of you. Elephant stamp to both of you for perservering. I guess we all perservere more readily when well motivated. ;-)

The main principle of Wholewoman posture is to allow the pelvic floor to stabilise from the back, rather than being an horizontal floor. Relaxing the abdominal muscles and lifting the chest makes you taller, reinforces the lumbar curve of your spine and tilts your pelvis forwards. This also kind of tumbles your pelvic organs forwards, so they are resting more on your solid pubic bone than over the vaginal 'abyss'.

As your pelvis tilts forward it rotates slightly on your sacroiliac joints which are not parallel. As a result your pelvis closes in slightly at the front and opens out slightly across the back/'bottom' opening. This makes your pelvic floor stretch tighter. Voila! Instant small improvement! This is all explained in Saving the Whole Woman.

In effect, WW posture is useful during sex because of this, wherever you are, and whichever way up you are). Maintaininfg your lumbar curve will help keep your pelvic floor taut which will give his penis more stimulation. Keeping your pelvic organs forward also helps to keep them tucked out of the way. For this reason I find that me on top works well for penetration. There is nothing like having a bit of control, and being able to position yourself optimally. ;-) Smiles all round. Mix it up however you want.

Reading the book will teach you more about all the different muscles that have an effect on your pelvic floor, and how they help your body to retain your pelvic organs. It is not all pelvic floor.

Once you can get your head around why WW posture works and can convince your body to utilise it you will be able to use your body in different and better ways for its own wellbeing and your enjoyment. Fixing this frequent peeing will be easier too when your bladder is not continuously squashed.

My DH is nearly 60. He went through a stage a few years ago of losing his erection in the middle of sex. I think he was worried about stuff that he certainly wasn't talking to me about! Confidence, and not feeling vulnerable, and maintaining virility, is so important to men. Once we realised how to get him going again that became a priority during sex for a while. Eventually DH got over whatever it was he was worried about, and kind of got his confidence back, and it has never been a problem again.

There is a very good reason why there seems to be a Viagra ad around every corner. There are a lot of men who cannot maintain an erection. A lot of men who are not in as good a relationship as yours. I think compassion, fun, realistic expectations, and love and forgiveness are likely to do the job much better than Viagra.

I can be quite flippant about my POPs now, after 6 years of Wholewoman involvement, and DH and I have got it sorted sex-wise. I am confident in myself, confident in him and confident in our marriage. There is no reason for worry. I am sure you will be the same once you have gotten over the initial adjustment, and maybe a bit of discomfort. You will continue to have a rewarding relationship. As we get older bits tend to wear out and 'fall off'. There will a need for more maintenance and TLC for both of you as the years go by. Kindness and love go a long way to solving most things.

Louise