hey christine

I hardly remember it. It has been so long since my first baby- but it wasn't great and at that point I didn't even know about the prolapse. I had such a bad tear and we tried way too early- like 3 weeks pp but my dh was so sexy to me since becoming a dad and I wanted to make love. So I was so frustrated when it didn't "work" and got angry and cried- so stupid looking back on it- I just had really different expectations of my body back then- No one tells the truth- I swear. We tried it again in a week and I was still so sore- but it was a little better- any pressure on the perineum was like fire. Ok now the bad news- it took us 6 months to have pain free sex.
Fast forward 3 and a half years and the first time I had sex after baby #3 was pretty good- still on the early side but we knew what to expect so the frustration wasn't there. It helps to relax together before with a glass of wine- and not to get too rowdy in the beginning.
you might be a little sore after- good luck.

Hey J...the short answer is - no problem. I'll have a more official answer for you sometime tomorrow. Thanks so much for your order! xC.

tried to email you but you're not accepting emails from the site

It was several years ago - my son will be 36 next month, but I remember that his birth was very difficult. He was big and I was little, and I tore all the way across my buttocks. He was born head, shoulder and arm all at once. Six weeks later, I got the green light for sex. It was a bit like being a virgin again. We took it slowly and carefully and worked up to our regular activities. I think the optimum word here is "explore." It's supposed to be fun, so make it fun, and I'm sure the pressure will be off, and the closeness will come back soon. I know men really want to be wanted, and there's the bottom line. That he wants you is a given. Open that bottle of wine and enjoy!

Change what you can change; be happy with what you cannot.

Hi All

I really liked to all the responses given to Jsync on this topic. There was something in each of them that resonated with me. They are all right. Ooh, here we go - this topic is just my cup of tea!

It really is a bit like the first time all over again. I think when you give birth the first time it is like going through a doorway you can never go back through. You are indeed a new person as a result of giving birth, so it is not surprising that it is all new again, and marital relations enter a new dimension as there is a new love in both of your lives as well. Think back. What was the first time like for you? Was it good or fraught with mixed messages? That is the mental bit.

The emotional and spiritual bit is tied up with the love you have for each other, and the importance of physical sex to the man in your life. I have heard sexual intercourse described as all the sexual interactions we have with another, from the 'come hither' glance through the close physical presence and deep gazing of seduction to touching, smelling, tasting and hearing your beloved to sharing your body with him closer and closer, then whatever you like, which might include coitus or oral sex either or both ways. It is a continuum, and you can go as far and as slow or fast as you like. So sex is not just penetration. Jsync, I suggest you make the effort to explain your thoughts and fears with DH and take it slowly. Hey, you have your new lubricant on the way. Well done. You are at least thinking about it and anticipating it bit by bit.

At risk of serious TMI, and forgive me if I step over the line, I would go as far as to suggesting that you give him oral sex or masturbate him first off, or that he relieves himself a while before, so that when the time comes for coitus DH may not be quite so 'driven' by his urges and may feel more comfortable about taking his time and be prepared to stop penetration if you ask him. Cunnilingus or using his fingers (plenty of lubricant!) would probably be a good way to prepare for coitus, and will arouse you and plump up your vagina and vulva and get you naturally lubricated as well. The more foreplay he can handle the better. This is a very good rule for men to learn, postpartum or not!!!;-D

It's important that you take the lead, and that he understands that. He can have a go at being the boss later on. ;-)

It's natural to be ambivalent/uncertain/hot and cold/scared about sex at this stage. What would have happened to the species if mothers of new babies went off rooting and left their babies by the campfire? Bears would have eaten them. It's just not good for survival of the species. IMHO, mothers are not supposed to be interested in sex for quite a while after having babies, breastfeeding or not. Their bodies are in recovery phase for many months after giving birth.

My oldest is 25, so the memories are dim. I remember not being really that interested, but then I didn't really enjoy sex back in those days anyway (Who? Me? You have got to be kidding!) and DH and I didn't communicate very well, so it was pretty ho-hum, but after a big episiotomy and waiting six weeks I can't remember any earth-shattering pain. Mind you, I had a good look at my epi scar yesterday. It is off centre and runs right up to my anus, but being quite a way off centre was not right in the firing line. As an aside to that DH is circumcised so there has always been a fair bit of friction with coitus. If your DH is not circumcised it will certainly be easier on your perineum.

Another suggestion is to think 'sexy' when you are ready, and any darned time of the day or night that you feel like. See your Wholewoman posture in a new way to show off your female assets to the world. Think about how you can enhance your femininity and feel more female in the way you dress (and undress) and care for your body.

Sexiness is the glue that ensures that we mate, and is the unsaid conversation of seduction. Here are some suggestions.

Attend to your underwear and make sure that you feel sexy 24/7 underneath your day clothes.

Leave your underwear off sometimes and experience the sensation of fabric sliding over skin, and skin sliding over skin.
Attend to what it feels like with your breasts moving freely under your clothing. Attend to the way you move and use your body.

While the weather is still warm, wear very light flowing clothing and experience how different that feels.

Wear nothing at all when you can get away with it.

Run your own hands lightly all over your body regularly, clothed and unclothed, especially your erogenous zones, vulva, vagina, perineum, anus, buttocks, hips, breasts, anywhere you can. This will help to reawaken your skin, this most important organ of female arousal. Feeling your own vulva and vagina and clit will also get you used to the physical sensation of being touched in those places, and possibly desensitise your scar to being touched. Gentle massage with balm will also help the scar tissue to 'relax' and help to dissipate your fear. Do it as gently as you need to, for your own comfort and take your time (and make friends with it). It is a badge of honour!

Massage each other, non-sexually at first, and feel how good it is to both give and receive loving touch. Give each other plenty of massage and touch as part of your first 'real' love making. Fall in love with each other's bodies all over again.

And don't overlook the value of porn and generally sexy media content in getting you seriously wanting sex again. Now is the time to enjoy the titillation that the mass media love to tease us with. Most of our lives are spent trying to shut it out and get on with the real business of life, but right now you can use it to advantage!

Now this might really be TMI. Look at women with different eyes. Not with the aim of seducing them, silly! Just look at the way they move, and the signals they put out. Enjoy watching them using their bodies to communicate with men and with each other. Men too!!

Goodness me, there is a lot to it. I never realised how much until I wrote it all down. I am sure this is why God gave us such wonderful senses, to enjoy each other and life. Sexual desire is not just about reproducing the next generation. Otherwise it would go away when the clock chimed 12, and it certainly doesn't seem to, for either sex! I am sure that God did not make a mistake in this regard.

Have fun!!

Cheers

Louise

click on "my account" at the left of the screen, then on "edit"

Louise --

What a terrific post, really full of information but also just the playful and loving spirit of it. Had me thinking erotically while I'm sitting here at the computer! Ha! I too have had the experience (and continue to have it) of sex in marriage getting better and easier, and more relaxed, loving and fulfilling, through the years. Isn't that great? (I am sixty and my husband is 66.)

Also I had not read anyone talk about the advantages to the woman of no circumcision of her partner. My husband -- and for this I am eternally grateful to his mother -- is not circumcised, which is rather rare in a man of his age in this country. As I began to feel a lessening of natural lubrication a few years ago, I realized how very important to insertion is a man's foreskin, for both parties.

Thanks for leading us all down the path of greater acceptance and appreciation of sex as a wonderful part of life and love, Louise!

Ellen

J…here is the promised “official” word on the Bliss Balm. It was created as a safe, totally organic, non-toxic vaginal lubricant. However, is was not intended for consumption. The only ingredient in question is the rose geranium oil, which is 100% organic and only .5% of the product. Essential oils are very concentrated and therefore usually not recommended for internal use. I imagine a very tiny amount would pass into the digestive system, but I must ask you to use your own discretion.

Hi Jsync

I am not a sexologist, right? Just a woman who has found out a lot about sex. I understand that the uterus does kind of rise up and do things at orgasm, ie it does have a positive physical response of its own. This would indicate to me that it would go back to its normal resting position afterwards, not its prolapsed position. Don't know about you but orgasm sends me horizontal every time, so I couldn't even test out what happens if I am standing at the time,LOL! Also I have no doubt at all that masturbation plumps up the tissues! That's bound to hold everything up even more.

Re the experience of orgasm, your body is different since pregnancy and birth so I wouldn't be surprised if orgasm will give you different sensations. On the other hand, it is only 4 months. Be patient. Also you probably haven't stirred those pleasure nerves up for a while so they may have forgotten what to do. Perhaps you just need a bit more practice! ;-) As they say, use it or lose it!

Re circumcision, there are some great websites all about male circumcision. www.cirp.org is blatantly not in favour of it but has some amazing information, and is well-referenced. There are a heap of other sites as well.

I think sex will be just fine, and enjoy those new bras!!

Cheers

Louise

Does anyone else experience continuing sensation after sex? I mean for a long time? I feel like I have the same sensations I normally have during foreplay after sex and forever...Hours even day or two...I have so much sensation physically--it is NOT emotionally--I am begining to think I am pervert. Ha Ha! I know that isn't it but I am having a hard time kind of. I used to be able to turn myself off--sex was mostly emotional for me--hardly physical and now it seems the prolapse has increased the sensations physically for me and it is a bit --I guess part of me wishes I didn't feel so much physically --I feel like my whole region is still anticipating sex like during foreplay even though it is over...it is a bit irritating and just saying this makes feel GOOFY but I want to know if it is just me or do other women feel different at all since prolapse?

Hi Therese

Yes, I would say that I do feel continuing sensation for some time. I have always put it down to the tissues having been stirred up by sex, and maybe even irritated/inflamed. (As an aside to that, if I get thrush or a UTI I often feel kind of horny, maybe continuously until I realise what is going on and treat it. This also means no sex for a few days :-(. Hey, that's inflammation too, isn't it?) I think engorgement is the term that comes to mind when it is to do with sexual arousal. I also feel very aroused for a couple of days before a period; lots of engorgement then. Maybe that is why.

Now if you look at this physically, in an unprolapsed woman everything just sits in the natural position with a little movement as we move. However where there is prolapse, organs are out of place and maybe sloshing around, pressing or gliding more over spots where they would not normally move. There is probably more movement happening around the vagina which may make the vagina rub its walls against themselves, and the uterus to jiggle around too, maybe like it moves during sexual penetration. Your G-spot could be getting quite a workout without even trying! Woo-hoo! that sounds like stimulation to me.

The other thing that happens with prolapse is that heavy feeling, like the organs are pressing/squashing downwards. This may also cut down veinous blood flow so the feeling of engorgement cannot resolve itself as easily.

I wonder if lying down for a little bit with a nice cup of tea and thinking of England might make you think about sex a bit less and let all the blood flow out of your pelvic area? ;-)

Sexual arousal is a really nice feeling when it is welcome, but very distracting when you are trying to think about doing things like preparing your tax return, so I can see why it could be a nuisance.

Cheers

Louise
ps. Sure beats having no sexual desire at all though!

Louise,

During perimenopause, I experienced that for about three years. I had a constant feeling of sexual desire. Turned out it was an over flow testosterone in my system shutting down the estrogen. I used to call myself a sixteen year old boy. I told my husband about it, and it scared him to death. It was fun, but didn't last.

Judy

Change what you can change; be happy with what you cannot.

It is likely I am perimenopausal--before my last baby the Dr said I had already gone through menopause! and since her birth last November I have only had two periods so I guess I am going back to that stage...I will be 43 in October...It is so wierd! As I said sex was always so mental and never very physical for me--it is quite a change and just started happening in the last couple of weeks or so...
I have noticed a huge change physically in a sexual way ever since we resumed our intimate life after the baby was born due to the prolapse--I could never feel very much during intercourse--and so that was a pleasant change for once!! but this was something more...
I don't think I have any other physical things going on--I am not uncomfortable in anyway just the hyper realization of sexual feeling in my actual body!
I thought I was getting another period finally but it has just been weeks of tiny spotting...that is irritating...I want to say have a period or be quiet!
I think I will have some interesting times then in the next few years as things change...

thanks Clonacnoise and Louise for your responses!