I'm so scared and devastated

Submitted by ATS on October 23, 2007 - 3:17pm
Body: 

Hello everyone,

I am a 36 year old mother of two, one boy who is 5 years and a girl of 16 months. 3 months ago I started to get a heavy sensation during the time of my period but when my period finished the symptoms disappeared. Well just over 3 weeks ago when my period arrived so did that heavy feeling but this time worse than ever. We were on holiday at the time and it felt like I was trying to hold a bowling ball in wherever we went. I examined myself to find a hard lump with a centre to it on the front wall which I could only assume was my cervix. It was sitting really low - only about 1 - 1 1/2 inches up. This time after my period finished the symptoms remained so I took myself off to the docs. She examined me, asked me to cough and said I had no evidence of prolapse and everything was where it should be. My jaw hit the floor as this lump was so obvious. She has referred me to a gynaecologist just to be checked over thoroughly but in the meantime I am suffering with constant pressure and irritation to my bladder and as of 7 days ago I am finding it hard to have a bowel movement. Today after sitting on the toilet for 5 minutes waiting for something to happen I pushed my finger inside to find another bulge on the back wall of my vagina which when I pushed in allowed me to empty my bowels slightly - I still feel umcomfortable. How my doctor could say I had no prolapse astounds me but now I am facing not only a uterine prolapse but it looks like a rectocele as well. I am sure once I am seen by a gynaecologist they will probably tell my bladder has a problem as well!

To say I am devastated is an understatement - I was so hysterical earlier that I had to call a friend to talk it through to try and calm me down. I was shaking with fear and anxiety.

I would really like to talk to ladies in similar circumstances. How do I cope / come to terms with this? I am seriously consideing surgery but would like to hear any positive stories as so far all I can find on the net is negativity. Surely there must be success stories out there. I want to be able to open my bowels like a normal person. I feel like my femininity has been taken away - my world had just crumbled.

Please help.

ATS

October 23, 2007 - 4:14pm

... that I have just ordered a Kegelmaster 2000 and wondered if anyone has had any real benefits to their prolapse from this product?

granolamom

October 23, 2007 - 4:45pm

oh, honey, I know. I know how awful it is to find a prolapse or two. I too, was shaking with fear and anxiety. and the sense of loss, loss of a strong dependable body,loss of my womanliness, my very essence, was overwhelming. I think the psychological part of this was way more difficult than the physical symptoms of POP.
so I'm glad you found us, it helps tremendously to talk to those who've btdt.
I have bad news and good news for you. the bad news is that prolapse sucks and there's really no easy way out of it. as you suspect, surgery is no walk in the park and it is far from a 'fix'.
the good news is, that you have every reason to remain hopeful. many of us here have learned ways to either reverse or stabilize our prolapses, and are living quite well with whatever prolapses we have. yes, it involves posture change, exercise, dietary management, NO STRAINING ON THE TOILET, and lots of emotional growth, but it can be done.
take a deep breath, and begin reading the faq's on this site. then read some posts on the various forums. if you can, order christine's book, saving the wholewoman, the second edition which can be ordered on the homepage. the book explains and illustrates the anatomy of the pelvis, what a prolapse is, how it develops and how it can be prevented and stabilized or reversed. well worth the money, imo.
start imlementing the posture asap. even if you aren't sure you've got it, it feels good to know that you are doing something proactive.
what is so wonderful about this wholewoman stuff is that it is not only good for your prolapse, but for the rest of you too. and so empowering.
this is a journey of a sorts, and one that begins with grief. allow yourself to mourn, because discovering a prolapse is a real loss. and then remember that we are here to support you, we've been there in the early dark days and have come through to the other side.
you will too.
your life is not over. you are still sexy and very much a vital, strong being. life will be good again.
((hugs))

granolamom

October 23, 2007 - 4:48pm

type it in to the search engine here, there's been a few threads about it.
in a nutshell though, while the kegelmaster might strenghten your 'pelvic floor' muscles, strong pelvic floor muscles won't reverse a prolapse.

ATS

October 24, 2007 - 3:33am

Thank you for your kind words of support. I am still feeling just as devastated this morning as I was last night. Like you say I feel like I am in mourning. I was able to open my bowels this morning which was a complete relief!

I have ordered the book but I am in the UK and we only have the yellow cover available from Amazon.

I am doing my Kegels morning and night in the hope that I can somehow try and reverse some of the damage. I have read stories on the internet that this can be done and in particular using the Kegelmaster. I am awaiting delivery of mine but am sitting here wondering how I am going to insert it with my cervix sitting so low. Do I just bypass it or try and push it up - ouch! I may wait until I have seen the gynaecologist and ask his/her opinion.

I just don't know how to be normal now for fear that something might come flying out. Everytime I sit on the toilet I feel like I am taking a gamble with my insides and I hate lifting my daughter up but I have to as she is only 16 months and can't do stairs, in and out of the car, in and out of her buggy etc. I seriously just want to curl up, shut myself away and hope this goes away. My body has betrayed me!

I didn't know these things even existed. When I was taught about pelvic floor exercises it was all about stress incontinence, at no point did someone say to me that prolapses could occur.

I suffered from PTSD after my son was born and it has taken a lot of therapy to get me back to feeling well again but this is about to tip me over the edge again. The last 2 years have been hell and then this arrives to top it all off!

I wish the surgery was a miracle cure. I had to have my gallbladder removed last year and I have never looked back. I am pain free and have no side effects from the surgery - I wish prolapse repair was the same. It just seems that one repair is never enough from what I am reading and being only 36 I wonder how many surgeries I would have to endure and having a scalpel taken to my lady garden is one of my triggers for my PTSD after the trauma of giving birth to my son.

I hope I can find the positive side of life when I have come to terms with this but at the moment I feel like I am being robbed of my life.

A

louiseds

October 24, 2007 - 6:55am

Hi A

The second edition of Saving the Whole Woman is available from the Wholewoman Store, http://www.wholewomanstore.com/. That's the one with the blue cover.

Cheers

Louise

granolamom

October 24, 2007 - 9:14am

yeah, I'd think that surgery wouldn't seem at all attractive after what you've been through. you are right to protect your lady garden, as you say.

just another word on kegels...not everyone here has had a positive experience with doing millions of them. so go slow, do a few, and see how that goes.
but if you want to try to reverse a prolapse, give the posture a shot. when you stand this way, your pelvic organs are held over the bones of your pelvis instead of over the vaginal opening. the muscles that open to allow things to exit the vagina are not really so good at holding up a bladder or a uterus as that is not what they were designed to do. even if they are strong from doing kegel-crunches all day long.
another truth is, that for some of us, the prolapse hasn't really reversed. for me, its gotten smaller/higher but the big change is in the symptoms. I feel great 95% of the time and rarely think about it during the course of the average day. It took me some time to wrap my mind around the fact that I look different, but now I really don't care. Its in the same category as my stretch marks and the laugh lines on my face that I'm beginning to develop. Just a sign that I've lived some. I think if prolapse was spoken of more frequently, this would've been alot easier to come to terms with. At least I wouldn't have felt so freakish in the beginning. but guess what, its more common than you think, so you're normal whether you feel that way right now or not.
It feels as though your body has betrayed you only because you did not know this was a possible result of poor posture, diet, obstetrical management or even of a normal natural labor or chronic constipation. Your body is not betraying you really, it is speaking up and asking you to make some changes. It needs you to care for it differently so that it may continue to serve you well.

re: the toilet, try leaning forward a bit and lifting your bottom up off the seat if you bear down. this kinda helps protect your prolapsed organs. and do not allow yourself to become constipated. fiber is your friend!

nikki4444

October 24, 2007 - 9:16am

Hello! Let me tell you first that GranolaMom is absolutely correct - the psychological part is horrible. Second, please don't let it drive you crazy. Your childen are small, wonderful little people and you only have a short amount of time with them - enjoy them as much as possible.

I was exactly where you are a year ago. I know (confimed by doc) that I have a rectocele, but she says no other prolapses. Now - my cervix is only about as far up as yours is too. Seems very strange to me, but I guess I never checked it before the word "prolapse" entered my world. I "googled" vaginal length and many articles say the cervix is only on average like 2" from the vaginal opening. (Seems like it should be farther up than that to my novice brain). That is an average - that takes into account women who have had NO babies and those who have had many. So- my point is that it is totally possible that your cervix is right where it is supposed to be.

FYI - I'm 37 and a mother of 3. One 12 years, one 4 years (this was my hard delivery) and one 18 months. Like you, I'd never even heard the word "prolapse" before finding my lump. Now I think about it several times a day. I have some trouble with bowels (which scares the living daylights out of me). But, all in all - I try very very hard to keep it in check emotionally. Please try to do this as well - the emotional stuff is the thing that can destroy us.

Hugs!!!!
-Nikki

AnneH

October 24, 2007 - 12:21pm

Good Lord; I don't know how they could have told you that you don't have a prolapse, but then, I certainly can't tell you over the internet that you do. I can tell you that your description sounds identical to me. Your fears of "pushing something out" when you are on the toilet are somewhat based in reality, in that straining at bowel can damage you and make your prolapse worse. If you begin working right now to never strain at stool, then you have a good chance of never worsening. You can manage this with the Whole Woman methods, and/or, like me, consider a pessary, and so on, but try not to panic. I've lived with my prolapse for several years now and I am very happy with myself, have a good sex life, am not getting worse, in fact, have gotten a bit better. It is very unnerving at first, but you do get used to it. I'm really worried about what kind of doctor you have however.

ATS

October 24, 2007 - 1:30pm

I sincerely appreciate all your replies and helpful words. I think at the moment dealing with the emotional aspect of this is harder than the prolapse itself. I had a better day today with symptoms but at the moment my bladder feels really uncomfortable with pressure and a stinging sensation at the opening which happens a lot. I feel like I have to keep examining myself to check nothing more has come down.

I have trembled all day with the anxiety of it all and still haven't got my head around how to cope with this emotionally and physically but hope to feel more settled in time.

I am trying to be very careful about every move I make and clenching with each sneeze or cough and when picking up my daughter.

I am going to read the FAQ's section again on posture as I am sure I am doing it all wrong. I feel like I am sticking my bum out and its making my lower back hurt. I am also trying to curve my spine whilst driving and its pretty much impossible. Do you have to maintain the posture all day with everything you do?

Oh this is horrible and I feel so different. I do hope you can all bear with me whist I poor my heart out in these early emotional days. I know you are all dealing with your own prolapses as well.

I just hope I can stablise the prolapses that are there and not have them become worse or even better would be to slightly improve on them so I can get through most days symptom free.

Thank you all so much.

A

louiseds

October 24, 2007 - 8:09pm

Hi A

I noticed that you have discovered that a finger or thumb pressed against the rectocele will help you to empty your bowels a bit. I used to have to do this every time before finding Wholewoman, implementing posture and getting more fibre and water into my diet but now only need to do it less than once a month. Mind you, I am perimenopausal so my periods are getting less frequent so I don't get that bloated feeling for a week before every period that I used to get. It just happens every 8 weeks or so instead of every 4 weeks!

You might have to do it several times a day for a couple of days to allow the rectum to 'unkink' and assume its normal position. Once it is truly empty it probably will assume its normal position until it fills again. However if there is a backlog it will empty a bit then more stool will move down to take its place, so it is semi-permanently kinked. Once you get emptied out it will have more chance to recover, and if there is a little left it can move back up again into the large intestine (bowel) without the pressure of more stool keeping it in the rectum. This is normally what happens after a bowel motion. This keeps the pressure off the rectum until another bowel motion is ready.

The other thing is that when your rectum is continually full I imagine that the nerve messages between the rectum, bowel and brain get a bit scrambled and the bowel forgets how to respond to a full rectum by moving the rectal contents down with peristalsis so they can exit through the anus. This is where it is tempting to strain. It doesn't work, so don't give in and strain. You could do more damage to the supports of the rectum.

I think the more times you can empty something out of the bowel the quicker you can reeducate your body to do what it was designed to do, and the quicker you will be able to let it get on with the business of pooing in the way it was designed to do. Just make sure that you go for a poo every time your body wants to, then help it along with a digit in the vagina. Your brain will get the message eventually and take over automatically.

The other thing is that there is nothing like stress to bind me up. Once I lose that anxiety and fear my bowels just let go by themselves. Sometimes it takes a couple of days, but it always works. Sometimes all it takes is an enjoyable distraction with some laughter and fun.

You feel betrayed by your body and it always takes some time to rebuild trust. It will take time, but it will work in the end. Your rectum is an old friend. Treat it well and have a little faith.

Cheers

Louise

granolamom

October 24, 2007 - 8:24pm

ideally, yes, I'd stay in the posture at all times. but the reality is that I don't. I aim for most of the time, and if I start falling into 'some of the time' my prolapse worsens, I get back with the program, and it returns to my baseline.
that's something that you will learn in time, how to read your body, to know when you can 'cheat' a bit and when you can't afford to. but really, it takes time. one day at a time....