Need to vent

It was only once my rectocele showed up that I actually got some relief. I also completely freaked out when it came. Felt like everything was just falling apart no matter how much I tried. But, believe it or not it was almost like my body needed to completely "fall" in to place because it was just constantly moving until it just stopped with the rectocele.

So, don't feel worse. I basically just figured it was part of the process, "nature's pessary" right??!

I recently caught my kids flu and had bad diarrhea and thought oh no, everything was all swollen felt like something ripped down there. But, I watched how I ate and it's the same as it was before I ever got sick. It healed.

that you are feeling the way you are right now. I'm so new to this, but I feel like I want to personally hug everyone here.

I have to wonder if having two large babies (8 lb. 11 oz.) and (10 lb. 10 1/4 oz.) has contributed some to my problem. I had episiotomies both times, but I feel I am fortunate that they were both small. But all the stretching inside I had from the two babies . . . I don't know what that might have done. I did have vaginal deliveries with both of them, fairly uncomplicated. I did have to push for two hours with my ten pounder.

It just seems unfair that our "plumbing" all seems destined to malfunction. I feel somewhat resentful that all men really have to worry about is their prostate (and I'm not downplaying the seriousness of prostate problems) but we've got breasts, uteri, cervixes, ovaries, vaginas, bladders, etc., and they ALL can malfunction.

I just feel so much like "not a woman" right now but instead a mass of "female problems." I have never felt less sexy or feminine in my life. I just feel like an old, old lady walking around with everyone looking at me feeling sorry for that poor old unattractive woman. My body parts have become objects to me and unfortunately, they seem to be objects aligned against me. I just do NOT FEEL WHOLE.

I feel guilty from time to time that I so DID NOT enjoy pregnancy (although I absolutely adored having the babies arrive!). As you said, sick as a dog most of the time, got HUGE, both my babies kept one foot wedged tightly right underneath my right ribcage (I could actually poke it and they would move it for a minute then go right back! And they were 7 years apart!!!), I developed the 'roids, etc. My first labor and delivery was awful, I was in labor 17 hours, the epidural I had only took on ONE SIDE and at one point I decided I was dying and stopped pushing. Had mean nurses who were hateful to me. I remember lying on the delivery table crying. I had had a stomach virus a day or so ago and right after the birth I started having uncontrollable diarrhea. It was awful. No bathroom in my hospital room so had to inch down to the bathroom with ca ca running down everywhere. Second birth was much easier - in labor only 6 hours even though he was so big - had a midwife with me, still had an epidural but it worked that time, and recuperated faster. However, the epidural slowed my labor down, that's why I had to push the two hours, and my son ended up with fluid in his lungs. Scary. I did experience a scary inability to lift one of my legs for a few weeks - when I'd get in the tub I'd actually have to lift my leg up with my hands and put it over - again, they don't tell you these things about epidurals. Forceps were used during both my deliveries and I can't imagine what kind of damage THEY do.

I thought my body had pretty much gone back to normal - except for the weight which never all quite went away and I am heavier now than I ever have been. @:( The roids bother me from time to time but I've learned to deal with them.

Then, the nightmare period bleeding/clots a few months ago - now this - 6 months ago I was just fine - WHAT HAPPENED??? Why don't they tell us all this stuff can go wrong?

How old are you, if you don't mind my asking? I got to thinking today, I hope to live a long and full life - but will my bladder make it along with me????

It does help to talk - it makes it not quite so scary when you know you're not alone.

Emily

Ats,

Perhaps it's time to focus on you positively! Perhaps it's time for you to shop for the body you really desire and then GO FOR IT! I am sure that if you get yourself in the best physical condition you can through the dreaded exercise you will have this new body, and it will be easier for you to handle all of this! It's not a pipe dream; it's a real positive goal and we have lots of time before bathing suit time to get you there!

It's a matter of having something to fight for rather then something to fight against! Plan, do and review, as they say. Set a series of goals and go for it. it might take your mind of the bulges and the bumps and put your mind on something you will just love - a new body!

If you don't know where to start, we can all help; we'll make you our project.

Deep breath, cup of green tea, pad and pencil, calendar, and then open your shades, curtains, blinds, whatever, and let the sunshine in. Then, stand in posture and take ten really deep breaths and let them out really slowly.

Love you sweetheart,

Judy

ATS I just wanted to let you know that when I started the posture before this baby my cystocele kept improving and improving and when that happened I felt heavier and heavier in the behind so I guess the rectocele took its place and either wasn't responding to the posture as well or at a slower rate. It is possible that that is what is happening in your case. I think my rectocele was already there but didn't appear at first because the bladder was pushing against it so much. After this birth my cystocele is much worse so I am not feeling the rectocele as much. If it isn't one it's the other!

been worried about you, i hope you feel a little better today, sometimes a good sleep can clear your head a bit, anyway just hope your feeling better today,thinking of you, ron

im ok today, been running around since early, just put grace in for a nap so having coffee and cookies while im on comp, i cant do anything yet as i am still waiting on book to come, did you get my email about 2nd edition?? i still have sons swimming to do later and its my boyfriends birthday today so gonna be busy til tonight really, just having a half hour of my time:-} is there much on the dvd? wont be able to buy it just yet, but would like to after i get book...

because my friend was signed in on my comp so had to sign back in myself! what was in the whole package, was it the dvd too? sophie is a lovely name, it was my second choice for grace, but she looked like a grace! our girls are around the same age arent they grace is 20/5... hope you get some rest later.

Sophie is one of my very favorite names, if I had had a third child and it had been a girl, it would have been Sophie! Just a beautiful name.

I don't know if you've ever tried this re: the roids, but I kind of started a routine years ago. When I get an attack - I get blood clots in mine from time to time - I first soak in a hot bath for a bit. Then, I get some cotton balls and soak in witch hazel and use that as a compress for about 20 minutes. It always has helped me tremendously. Also at times I will pack on top of that more cotton soaked in ice water to keep it really cold.

I bet the 17 child woman hasn't got any control over any of her bodily functions anymore, how could she??? I don't think anyone has that kind of muscle tone!

I'm feeling slightly less depressed today. I also still have that irritated feeling of "something there." It's like I could reach in and grab it and pull it out and everything would be fine. Guess I kind of need the bladder, though. @:)

It seems as if I noticed you may be in England; if so, I envy you. I've never travelled outside the States but the one trip I MUST make will be to London. Shooting for my 50th birthday, maybe. I love British history and of all weird things that I MUST see - it's the Tower of London. Depressing, I know, but I find it fascinating. My husband is a huge golfer so Scotland plays into the picture, too. Then, I got to worrying about, with all this going on, will I ever be able to take another vacation and walk around and look at things? @:(

I'm just waiting for the book, reading on this site, going to check into yoga classes (took them a long time ago) and try - really TRY - to lose some weight. Hard not to let this paralyze you, isn't it? It's just too much to deal with. The part of my day that's not focused on my BMs is spent worrying about the POP. Fun, huh?

Its a great DVD - I thought of showing it to my Gynae - But then i thought he might take it off and not give it back! (ARGH)

Even though i cannot do all of the exercises cos of my disability etc - It is very interesting and very informative :-)

I did notice at the shop the other day I bent forwards to get something off a low shelf - I felt when I stood back up that things were a bit better.. Like they had shifted up a lil bit - Cool...

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Its still there... I can feel it all the time every day - Just a kinda feeling of a finger touching you or something weird, like a dryish feeling maybe...

But it is better than it was at Christmas (marginally)

I am hoping the DVD will help me get it back outta my way and outta my head lol

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I think the worst part is the fact that it continually reminds you that it is there... If it went away for a few days (Or a year or more like I had before) Then you feel normal again...

I wanna not feel this weirdity again...

Nobody has noticed of late that I am going through anything - After the first week of crying my eyes out continually - I now just keep quiet and have decided to fight this silent fight as all I get from them is 'Get a pessary' I refuse to do that at this time so need to find a way to get through this for like 20yrs or more...

If I can get to 60 (39 at moment) - Then I will more than likely be wheelchair bound anyways so maybe I won't noticed it as much...
lol

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

The dumb-ness is a genetic malformity

hehehe
harharhar

Dontcha just wish you could slap em stupid on a daily basis until they GET IT

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I had an awful dream last night and have been grappling with the
emotional "aftermath". My lovely and Dear H was the worst amalgam of
every man in my life. He was a total prick and then he abandoned me
and left with some woman I can't recall much about... prolly one
of my closest gf's... ha-ha, but true of my first H. Not this one.

Do you guys ever feel like you're doin' pretty good ? and then you
innocently turn a corner in your head and run right > into
something ? I sure seem to . Like my dog, After my husband moved out
almost three years ago, I got a puppy at the pound that was supposed to be
a Shepherd cross. He's not. He's a goofy gorgeous black and rust spaniel cross
sort of like a Gordon Setter. he is the funniest dog I've ever had and the friendliest.
he wants everyone to be friends and play and explore.
We spent so much time hiking when he was in his first year. I was a very good mistress.
We played many soccer type games. His fave is with a new gal. Vinegar jug
with a handle. Goodtimes. My husband has taken over that role now, which
I watch and mostly admire and occasionally #WHAM# I grieve.

Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally walking through a high crime neighborhood.
I'm thinking about moving. I get slapped around by my grief because it often
blind-sides me. I'll just sit and breathe and look towards my lovely mountains
that I have here. And know that razor edge will fade until the next seizure.

And my dog ? Chester . He sits on, at, by, and with me... when he's calm,
sleeping, or not sure what my son's up too, or just unsure. I see that I am
the hub of his wheel too.

Ladies do you see how you are the hubs for that "Spoke" of a husband ?
It's a hard place to find when we feel somehow mistreated isn't it ? I think it
may all come down to how well-meaning we believe our H's to be...

My H and I used to really Power-struggle. Now , not so much and way briefer
too. Like we just don't see the point of running with it because we Know
we mean each other well. We seem to have this lovely little pattern of being
good and thoughtful in real and silly ways. Like he left a patch of frost on the
windshield because I had commented how nicely the ''ferns" of ice had grown.
I'm (finally) over- all "happy" with my Guy ! I like how Well I know him. I like
that I can look at him and accept him, unkempt and rough around the edges
as he usually is. I used to frown and much much more. I respect his steadiness,
as annoying as that flat look of "Oh you still on about that ?" Men move on
differently it seems. More linear.

I dated a guy while we were separated. The more I liked him the more I realized
that I Really didn't Want to learn all over about someone. No way. In fact the
more I thought about it... the more nauseous I got and a short week later I dropped
the guy on his head, because I didn't give him an opportunity to see me one
last time - to what ? Argue the point? So anyways that was my strange little
trip through infidelity. Well actually I never did sleep with him. I can no longer bluff
and stick my nose up in the air and think " I could do better".
I value the sheer quantity of time spent with my H, all the shared exp.. It comforts me.
I also don't see cheating in his nature so - only in my bad dreams.
Zelda

Zelda

Hi A

Hmm, just a thought. Sounds like you're trying to bargain your prolapses away. Just give it your best with the DVD and firebreathing. Don't beat up on yourself if you miss the occasional day, cos that will just give you the opportunity to blame yourself once again if it doesn't work as well as you think it should, then you'll just feel needlessly guilty!!

There will be an optimum path for you which may not be perfect (but who's perfect anyhow?). Bargaining is one of the classic stages of grief. I think you just gotta do it and get it out of your system. Just do what is manageable.

Cheers

Louise

Hang in there ATS- I've been where you're at a lot lately. Cry, hang in there, avoid the foods that will make your mood worse, and know you're not alone. I've just come out a dark few days and the sunshine is back and the more I read the more hope grows.

Reading this line of posts- the whole weird feeling/irritation near the vagina entrance- is it the cytocele? Or urethra prolapse (that seems to feel like a little sausage). The irritation comes on from wearing undies, pushing too hard on the loo or lifting something badly?
Can't wait to get the book.....
I too have the golf ball thing- bladder right? It goes up and down depending on things I'm not clear on yet. A few of you have said sex is ok with it, but it seems to worsen things for me. I got severe hemis at 36 weeks pregnant, splits as well, second degree tear at birth, and the rear end problems flare up periodically (again, seem to come after sex)- getting the feeling its all related to the rectocele and losing some sphincter control, and the tearing at the birth. Amazing how midwives and doctors have nothing to say about these things?! I've learnt more on this site than anywhere else...
Fingers crossed the book comes tomorrow- want so many answers to too many questions.

Hugs to anyone today going through hell,
bluemama xxoo

Hi Anita

I have given up full squatting, which I used to do a lot. When I squat, my thighs squash my belly, which needs to be left to find its own volume. Now I tend to 'kneel with my feet tucked under me', then get up by leaning on my hands, getting my feet flat on the floor with bent knees and butt sticking out the back, then straighten from the hips with knees straightening last. I have callouses on my knees and ankle joints, and my feet go to sleep if I stay there too long but my prolapses are behaving themselves. I try to sit cross-legged too, but there are times when you just have to get down close and personal; that's when I kneel.

Cheers

Louise

happened last night, i have had a pain in my belly/side for the last few days,and with having loeds to do i wasnt noticing how bad it was or letting myself rest, sat down about 10 last night and when i got up to put something in the bin i got the pain real bad and.... apparently blacked out!{he picked me up}.. i went to doc this morning and he is treating me for... constipation??? i told him im not the best at going normally but this week is good for me as its my period week, he said appendix maybe and i told him its gone already so he said i dont know i will treat you for constipation and see how it goes. not really in topic but just thought it was strange that thats what he said and didnt think more of it, or check me more??

I so hear you! Bad split this week, couldn't sit down yesterday. I've been on an anti-candida diet and had been binging on chocolate which I finally realised is what's irritating my bladder/bowel on top of everything else. Everything is feeling off, bulgy, irritated, sore, abnormal. But if you're not watching your diet and not healing, I would definitely look at ways to make your diet better so everythings 'softer' and you can heal faster. I've learned a lot from my dietitian as well as this site, and started seeing her (as well as the physio) after my diagnosis. So far so good, except when I fall off the wagon. I find it hard when feeling down not to reach for chocolate, so the whole issue is forcing me to change a lifetime of habits.

I expect all this is in the book too, but the diet I'm on has profoundly improved my digestive issues WHEN I stick to it. My little binge showed me the hell I'm putting myself through. My bladder's ok but I always sweat a little when I know I have to go for a #2.

The physio I see has me on kegels, but only 6 times a day (before and after meals as a reminder technique). Five quick holds, holding all pelvic floor muscles and lower belly, then five long holds (first to ten secs then 15)- it helps when I do it properly- does the book think well of kegels in moderation? I had to be shown by the physio...she's getting me on vag weights next! Anyway- definitely know how you're feeling...

thank god for ring cushions!
bluemama xxoo

hey ronshel30-

I had something like this recently- sudden weird cramps on the lower belly on right side- have been blocked up so it may be to do with constipation...mine came and went like a sudden cramp and was gone after a few minutes. Don't know much else about it- only happened a few times over a couple of days. My appendix is gone too, and it was around my period week...I always thought it was my ovary playing up...

bluemama xxoo

i had the pain a few weeks ago on lower left side and thought then maybe ovary? its strange the things we shrug off but i got a fright last night! will be going back if nothing improves, thanks for your reply:-}

the idea of gallbladder and ovary trouble came to mind, i don know much about gallbladder i thought i would be too young? when did you have your done?

my pain has been low, hopefully not gallbladder, but dont thnk ill find out, unless it hangs on for a while then ill be back to doc, wasnt nice at all though, you try cookies yet? i tried them with a bit of food colouring and made blue ones, they didnt last long:-}

No - Desperately seeking Pollyanna. Anybody seen her ?
She's been missing for months now and I'm very worried.
Without her perspective I'm so filled with loss.
Zelda

I think you need a big HUG and someone to talk to.
I am not Pollyanna but I can spout Pollyanna sayings till the cows come home. My mother used to tell them to me ad nauseum, and I would just get angry - however time and age have shown me the truth of most of them. One of her favorites was "You will catch more flies with honey than vinegar." Who wants to catch flies???
Prolapse does not change who we are unless we let it. Our attitude is important in all we say and do and all through life we have learn to adjust our attitude or we aren't growing.
I'm not saying that having a prolapse is a breeze but how we look at it affects our preception of ourselves. We are still the same person we were before prolapse but it can make us stronger and more accepting of others. It is hard most of the time but we re STRONG WOMEN and can over come our difficulties.
If at first you don't succeed try,try,try (and on and on)again.
Enough spouting time to feed my rescue cats. They are still rescuing me.
HUGS to all.
Flora

I wish I could get out of my own way, but I can't find the
end of this grief. Even though I do feel a fair amount of acceptance.
Is resignation the same as acceptance ? Maybe not.

I'm working so much and my life feels so out of balance. I look
like hell, my clothes have turned into a compost pile. I'm just sort of
reduced, ynwim ?

The miraculous thing is I haven't had a single virus this
past summer up to now. Ha ! There she is. My Pollyanna.
God ! I swear I'm trying. I don't feel like I'm living however, Just surviving.
I am doing nice work and am pleased with my skills but it's
nearly all I do. My house looks like Katrina visited. And I'm struggling
with some big issues. I think my DH has PTSD. I wish he was
more compassionate and encouraging and flirty. My confidence is just
so low. I've even told him this. He retreats into himself and REALLY abandons me.
I can't seem to shake the feeling that his heart's not real "engaged".
And that fills me with a terrible anxiety and sadness.

I'm nursing some deep wounds. My only remaining GF (they all move away)
is sort of needy and gets resentful if I don't follow certain rules, meaning
how often I contact and how I prioritize my time on her days off. I do love
her as she's very dear and generous in so many ways. But I do feel hostage,
and she doesn't get this Forum business. Is actually almost jealous. i've
learned to not talk about other GF's either... Boy it kind of sounds bad put
out there in words....

But - Yes , you're right I could use a hug, and a word or three of encouragement.
Thanks Flora, I always love your tone and perspective.
Hugs,
Zelda

haven't had time to be very caught up here but read your post Zelda...and sending you BIG hugs
Stella

Zelda
Close your eyes and imagine I am sending you the biggest Hug you ever had. If you lived closer I would visit you and give you as many hugs as you need.
I think you need to take a break and be kind to yourself. Even if it is only 15 minutes or so. Have a long bath with lots of nice smelly stuff and relax. Then find your nicest clothes and put them on. Fix your hair and makeup. Then take a good long look in the mirror and see how beautiful you really are both inside and out.
Then build on your confidence. You are pleased with your skills, build on them and pat your self on the back for what you are accomplishing and keep on taking pride in all your accomplishments again and again.
Maybe dh feels you are abandoning him and doesn't know how to reach out.
Men can be very obtuse at times and need lots of love and encouragement. Maybe you could have a special supper for him and yourself and just talk about the things you love about each other. Corny but it works. Try to schedule some alone time together even if its only once a week.
When you need to vent this forum is always here.
Take it one day at a time and try not to do everything at once. Remember you are beautiful inside and out and a good woman. A good woman is hard to find and she is more valuable than all the jewels in the world.
(((((Hugs)))).
Flora

Pollyanna Whitier is the invention of Eleanor Porter 1868-1920 American Writer. The character was brought to life by Walt Disney in a delightful movie called "Pollyanna." Pollyanna plays the "glad game" in which we find good things in everything, whether we like the thing or not. One of her examples was: If you don't like Sunday chicken dinners, then the good thing is they only come round every seven days. Hayley Mills stared in the role.

So for application here, a Pollyanna finds hope and joy in the most miserable situations including POP.

And for Zelda: I'm reading a really interesting book called People of the Lie. It states rather interestingly that people get into the habit of making either good decisions or poor ones, and the habit is based on decisions they made previously. So people who make good decisions will make mostly good decisions, and vice versa. The goal, of course, is to make as many good decisions as possible which will lead to an inability to make poor decisions.

I applied this to my mother who scores a really low D--.

Judy

Judy, as usual, that's facinating!

lends credibility to my 'tetris theory of life'
ever play tetris? I was addicted to it in high school and found that as in life, when you are placing the shapes in good (high scoring) places you tend to get shapes that are easy to place in good places. but once you start making mistakes and placing the shapes in awkward places, the following shapes are harder to place. of course, its usually possible to reverse the trend, just really hard, especially once it speeds up. slow it down, think, and its all good : )
life's alot like that too. good decisions beget more good decisions, and vice versa. but you can usually reverse the bad decisions lead to more bad decisions trend by slowing down to think

and I hope its ok to jump in so late in this thread. forty some posts....gosh I am having trouble finding the time to read 'em all. still have laundry to fold and lunches to pack, and am in the process of making a baby carrier and a baby gift (a bunch of newborn cloth diapers) for a friend.

Definetly not a Pollyanna. Can't see any hope or joy in having a POP. Can hope no one else gets one. Joy if my daughter and others, don't get one because I told them about mine and they will apply what I told them and avoid getting a POP.
Flora

I suppose Pollyannas would say I'm glad it's nothing worse.

Judy