sad time for me

My arms are wrapped around you, Stella. Please know you can talk to us about anything...I have always thought we needed an Emotional Issues forum, so perhaps now is the time to create one. Maybe my faux pas the other day had a smidgen of intuition connected to it after all. Women, particularly women who work in the healing arts, are notorious for undervaluing their time and worth. If you do decide to become a professional herbalist, know that people will be more than happy to pay for the value you provide them. You are in my prayers! All love, Christine

Stella,

I know and I understand. Marriage is perhaps the most difficult thing to really do well. It really takes two people who want to work at it. Unfortunately, that tandem is rare. My prayers are with you at this extremely difficult time. I can't think of anything that is more painful than what you are experiencing right now. If there is anything...

Love and much respect,

Judy

My first marriage ended after 25 years and was very painful.
I learned that I had to take it one day at a time and still go on
with my every day life.
I am glad you have a strong support system. They will help to sustain you through the rough patches.
My sympathy for the heartache you are going through.
Take care.
Flora

Hi Stella

I feel so much for you as you both take this giant step, where the future is so unknown. I remember leaving my marriage of 25 years at the beginning of 2004. It was a short separation, though it was very final for me at the time, after so many years of deep disappointment for me, and trying so hard to make the marriage come alive. We are now back together in a new, good marriage, which is more than I could ever have hoped.

The emotional rollercoaster was the hard bit; the happiness of deciding that the future could only be better, the physical and mental load of actually extricating myself, and the emotional load of staying level for myself and our kids. The worsening prolapses from the stress and constipation, and the heavy work of shifting out (then back again several months later).

Take it slowly and gently Stella, and be open to possibilities. You *may* never get back together again, but there will be better and worse ways you can do this, for longer term benefit for all of you.

love from Louise

aww man I know that little cheer was insensitive but I am glad for you. I have read your posts about your relationship with your husband with great saddness and admiration. You are so strong. I am so excited for the possibility of personal emotional freedom you are going to have. I am so sorry for the position you will be in as a young mother and can only imagine what that will be like. Stay strong woman. You are making a choice that is just right for you.
CHANGE. Tough stuff. Love to you.

(((HUGS)))

I am still 'new' here, but I'm sure it's more than OK to share this here. I know how very hard it is, especially when you have young children. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

There will be lots of ups and downs and wondering and mourning what will never be---but the flip side is that you have the rest of your life ahead of you---full of possibilities you may never have thought of. After the hard part is over (and there may always be a little tug on your heart concerning him) you can look forward to a whole new life where you can spread your wings and fly!!

I know right now that seems far off (and I apologize if it seems inappropriate to bring up so soon) but thoughts of the future oftentimes helped me through the pain and deep heartache of a divorce I knew was the right thing for everyone. Feeling, as you said, the "...strange mixed bag of relief and despair" is part of the process---and it helped me a lot to realize that part of the pain/hurt I felt were "growing pains."

Peace and prayers,
S&G

I'm so sorry, honey. divorce is so painful. my parents divorced when I was oh, 20 or so. my youngest sibling was 10. my mom held it together as long as she could 'for the kids' but let me tell you, we weren't stupid. we knew things between them were not good and it trickled down to us. your children need you to be genuine, and I think its so awesome for them that you and your soon-to-be-ex are hoping to remain friends.
That is a tremendous gift you are both giving them. my parents divorce was anything but amicable, and to watch them hurt each other so was really not a good thing for us.
I am sure that as long as you take care of yourself, your children will weather this just fine. with loving parents, children have a remarkable resiliency.

follow your heart, stella. you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

Hi Stella, so very sorry for your troubles but you have such a gentle and thoughtful spirit I can’t help but be so hopeful for your future happiness, your husband’s future happiness, and your children’s continued happiness. From what better place to make such a serious decision, as from the place of love and respect, and your wish to remain friends...this well help keep your little ones feeling secure through the huge transition. You will always be Mommy and Daddy. May this mutual love, respect and friendship you share be a warm blanket to your whole family though this time. All my best, Kit

I saw Granolamom's post just as I was posting mine. We echo much today. I will sit with her and know I am in such warm company.

Stella:
My first marriage ended after 10 years and our daughter was only 15 months old. But where one door closed another one opened...my 2nd husband and I have been married for 26 years! Take care of yourself emotionally & physically, and take just one day at a time. Good luck to you. You've got my blessings and will be in my prayers.

Love, Goldfinch

Dear Stella,

Without knowing details and reasons and history it's hard to give advice. My role here lately is one of "passing on experience" because my life has been so cross blessed with huge positives and huge negatives, which all had to be sorted out. It's easy to say, "Hey, this happened to me - use it for what it's worth."

I woke up thinking about you this morning, and tried to think of what my marriage was like during the 18th year. I believe that was the year I had a really terrible dream that my husband divorced me and the judge said, "Your husband has the visible means to support your children, so I award your home and children to him. You'll have to find someplace to go." With that - in the dream - I jumped out a window.

Two weeks after the dream, I went back to college. My husband threatened me with divorce if I went. I went anyway. He was a history professor and said, "You don't have the intellectual capacity to go to college." Needless to say, I graduated first in my class. Years later, he doesn't remember any of it.

I think I've used every strategy going to sustain my marriage. I decided nearly forty years ago that I would not abandon ship no matter how bad it got, I was going to stay. My children all tell me it wasn't worth it, but I think differently. For me it was about keeping promises.

Now nearly forty years later, I look back and know that it has not been happy; it's been a struggle. What do I have to show for it? I have a life lived. I'm happy with nearly everything else in my life, but I never experienced what marriage is supposed to be and I never will.

Today, things are very peaceful. We get along well. But like years ago, it's mostly about him. My achievements go unmerited, my life goes unnoticed, my interests are mine alone. That's my relationship with him. With my children and friends, it's quite different.

So from someone who made it through a difficult marriage, I'm trying to demonstrate another side for you. The side that says, "I stayed, I endured, and in the later years, it's peaceful."

Would I change it or do it differently? Probably not. I made my choice years ago.

As I said in an earlier post. My heart goes with you.

Judy

Stella,

We bring to a marriage what we are able. There are some who fail to bring anything to a marriage because they don't want to or don't think they have to.

Often we will look back on what our parents brought to theirs because our parents' example is our model.

When I look at my parents marriage of nearly 60 years, I realize they were wild and crazy lovers. They were so crazy about each other that there was no room for anyone else. When they built their huge house in Santa Fe, they built one bedroom. It really said it all.

My husband's parents were house partners and it is hard to see any emotion between them. When my mother in law died, my father in law never spoke about her again.

I brought creativity and enthusiasm to my marriage, and my husband did not receive it well. He was unable to see the worth of it. He brought the same stayed emotionless house partner life he had seen at home.

Today, he sees that he missed the boat and was waiting at the train station for another house partner who never came.

I think marriage can only be what the partners bring to it. Some people love marriage and the closeness that it can be. Some are too independent and regard marriage as a ball and chain. I think marriage is a work of art. It's something we have to really work at and to which we must bring everything we have - like a home. A home, after all, does reflect a marriage.

Marriage does not have to mean being best friends with your partner. That's what best friends are for.

Judy

Stella,

I know perfectly well what you are saying, and idea that something fresh and clean is out there could be inviting especially when disappointment and frustration and passivity (which I despise as no other emotional booby trap) bog down your life.

As far as the forum goes, I think everything in our lives is worth writing about simply because we are whole women. The vagina part with the prolapse only bespeaks a part of the whole women. Our creativity, our experiences with children, our marriages, our hobbies, our interior views are all part of a very whole woman.

I think the emotional side of what we are enduring can make the prolapse much worse and our feelings about it make it worse. So discussing a broad spectrum of subjects and topics, I think, is healthy especially when we care about one another and want to listen.

My affections go with you. I hear the bog sloshing in your writing and I know how suffocating it can be. You're a very gifted lady; I know you will find a creative means to serve your whole family. Be kind to yourself, however.

Respectfully,

Judy

I've been deep in thought about the concept and practice of marriage these past 24 hours...and have a very busy day ahead of me so can't write much now. But I want to thank you for your openness, Stella...as Judy said, how can we be whole if we can't talk about anything? I don't know about the Internet (it's kinda scary, esp. for me who can't be anonymous!), but groups of women talking about important issues is one of the most vital and essential forces in the universe. I think our relative isolation - at least in America throughout much of the 20th century- as men built and carried on the world has been a huge detriment to civilization. Heartfully, Christine

Christine,

Very well said. Today's world does have that male flavor and too often it is alienating to women. That terrible carelessness, that push it off to the future attitude, that self imposing self care only attitude that destroys rather than builds is a terrible way to live.

We are no longer pioneers nor are we settling much. I feel bad that men have nothing real to do, but instead of drifting out to mirror the beasts in the barn, they could stay in and learn to manage the world they have pioneered and settled.

What was the funny recently written about Bethlehem? If the three wise guys had been three ordinary women, they would have arrived on time because they would have asked for directions, they would have cleaned the place, brought food, baby clothes and there would have been peace in the world.

Affections always,

Judy

...I continued this topic in the new emotional issues forum...