Am I deluding myself?

Body: 

Or am I healing? I've not seen my bulge at it's biggest in about 2 weeks. End of day external checks show promising reduction. Internal . . . well, it's hard to tell. However, I'm a bit paranoid that this isn't "true healing." Maybe I'm just getting really good at skirting the issue, doing things during the day that reduce it falsely. (I'm such an inarticulate typer!) What I mean is, maybe I'm only developing strategies that keep the bulge away? Whenever I am upright I am in the posture, and I only sit on the floor. I take a bit of horizontal time every afternoon, go online on my hands and knees, have made only very simple dinners, and use a sponge for grocery shopping and babywearing. I'm taking it pretty easy. I take a daily walk and do the WW DVD workout every other day along with Nauli and some other exercises. Do I try a more strenuous day to "see how things go?" Or do I continue as I have been . . . is this behavior aiding my healing or just masking my true status? I have the luxury of being a stay at home mom until September, which makes my restful days possible. I am a bit worried that when I become a full-time student in September I will get a rude wake up call.

prolapse isn't like having a headache, taking a tylenol so you're pain free but really whatever was causing the headache is still there but you don't feel it.
the real status of your prolapse is what you see/feel. its really that straightforward. so if youre feeling better, than you're getting better!
::::::doin' a little jig (in posture of course!):::::::::it works it works it works : )

sorry.

sounds like you're doing all the right things and moving in the right direction. don't want to be a party-pooper, but just giving you a heads up: we all have temporary set backs sometimes. the first one is usually the worst, because it feels like you got no where and the improvement was just all in your mind. so if you do take a small step back, dont' let it mess with ya. you're doing GREAT. it WILL continue to get better and better.

Well, yes, and no.

Prolapse is a slipping back and down of the pelvic contents. A cystocele is just a change of position of the bladder, and falling through its enclosing fascia. Nothing is actually wrong with any of the organs.

The hole/stretching of this fascia will probably always be there. How you use your body will determine how much your pelvic organs will sag into your vagina. As you are still postpartum your return to doing things in a more 'normal' position is probably some months ago, and will happen gradually as the fascia revert to pre-pregnant size. It is a worthwhile investment in your future to listen to what your body is telling you when you test it. Don't push your body. It will revert in its own good time.

eg, If you throw a wool pullover wet into a washing basket and leave it there until it dries, then put it on, it will be all misshapen. However, atmospheric humidity & body heat will eventually cause it to conform to the shape of your body. Eventually it will fit your body perfectly, but you cannot hurry the process. (As if anyone would do it, but YKWIM?)

See my post about the 'tailored jacket'. If you don't put well-fitted clothes on properly, seams will burst, buttons will pop, there will be bunching up and pulling until you wriggle into them properly. With a well-fitted jacket you don't even have to do the buttons up. It will hang properly anyway, even if a button is half-off and a seam is ripped. WW posture is all about wriggling in properly, so your organs are in the right places for when your fascia shrink down and tighten up a bit more. The fascia are the clothing of your organs.

The end of the story is also that you are wrong. The fasciae are probably not healing up, just reverting to prepregnant size and shape. You will always be prone to episodes of prolapse like the rest of us, but it need not be often, and it need not be serious, and it need not affect your lifestyle unduly. Just wait till you get a bit older. Other things, like eyesight deterioration much more problematic than POP. Maybe we older women have a bit more perspective on our ageing bodies than younger women whose bodies still function perfectly.

The end of the story is that you are also right. Your organs can sit properly and 'de-prolapse'. You are learning to live with them, but will be able to gradually use your body more normally over the next year.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Louise

So that was probably another post I could kept in my own running commentary, lol . . . . You all must get so weary of replying over and over to what amounts to the same basic newbie insecurities! Please know how much I appreciate it though -- these are unchartered (stormy) waters for me.

I know it has been mentioned before, but it is disappointing to read the three or four posts from newly post partum moms, and then have their stories, their progress, fizzle out. It seems that most just stop posting. I hope that means they got good results, but it would be nice to hear it, you know? To have some more referenced experiences.

Thank you again to those who stick it out and tell it like it is.

Louise, I read your post with the analogy to a fitted jacket -- it is a very good image. I also read a comment of yours elsewhere where you report improvement even years after starting this work, with the theory that fascia, even when quite damaged, had the ability to re-mold over time. Very encouraging.

I had been thinking my improvement thus far is kind of like a limp; it compensates to allow a functional gate, but does not really address the need for it. However I'm starting to think differently . . . maybe it's more like Chinese foot-binding (lovely image, I know) but with the pressures of gravity and breath working with bone to eventually (slowly, over years) change even the soft structures in a more permanent fashion. (I'm a-preaching to the choir here, I know, but an "aha" moment for me). Re-molding to some degree = reversal to some degree. I see, said the blind gal :-)

By the way, I got my bill from the Dr. visit when I was "diagnosed." $230 for her to tell me "I see a little bit of your bladder. Do kegels." (rolls eyes) . . . and that's with insurance! Nice, eh?

I had improvement and then the back sliding and then more improvement- and on the pattern went- two steps forward one step back. I would gain confidence and do something crazy like power kiting and remember that I was still in the postpartum period (two years in my mind) and have to recover. But recover I did- faster each time- so that at first it would take me 3 weeks to get back to baseline and then less and less time- to where I was waking up the next day fully recovered. And then something amazing happened and I could do whatever I wanted- run, lift, swim, stay on my feet all day.....and my prolapse was still 'gone'.

Then I got pregnant. I couldn't nauli, I couldn't firebreathe, I felt my growing uterus putting pressure on my bladder and rectocele. That was the end of the first trimester and up to the middle of the second trimester. I wrote a post here about both-but basically the half pipe softening came back and my rectocele began to bulge again about the size of a marble and then a grape. Then my uterus popped forward and I could not have a prolapse if I wanted one- the anterior wall is almost concave and everything is pulled up up and away.

The point is- ya my prolapse was gone. Gone for me- no bulge, no symptoms, nothing I did would bring it back. But I changed my life. I eat differently- I move differently- I dress differently- I even exercise differently. But when I could not do a simple breathing exercise- and when my uterus became very heavy- the prolapse started to return.

I have great faith that this impending birth will be healing for me. I know that from moment one I am going to be thinking about my recovery- how I move every second- how I rest- even the herbal soaks I will use. As soon as possible I will return to my breathing exercises- I will stay away from jarring activities- I will only carry my baby-and I will get better.

It sounds like you will be able to reverse your prolapse. I figure you will have no trouble keeping it reversed. Who knows what will happen in 30 years and frankly who cares? We have a whole lot of living to do. One of the many benefits of discovering prolapse postpartum is that we are aware of it and make positive changes that are going to impact the rest of our lives in a very healthy way.

Enjoy these lazy days. In September when you return to a more active and stressful life, your body will handle it because you've treated yourself gently and with great care (exercising, etc.). You are fortunate to have found this work when you did. I prolapsed with baby 2 (homebirth, squatting while pushing no quite 2 hours, no tear)and didn't find this site until I was pregnant with number 3. After #2, I thought I had to be super woman and I am sure my doing too much and the lack of respect I had for the great feat my body had just accomplished (carrying a baby for 9 months & birthing her) resulted in prolapse. However, after #3, I had Christine's method to fall back on and I "forced" myself to lay around with my baby in those early weeks and then I treated myself very gently for the next several months. I lifted nothing heavier than my baby; I didn't push myself to "recover," I allowed myself to regain strength. I didn't stop living by any means, but I allowed myself sweet time. I am so happy I did because we had such a great babymoon that lasted months, and now I have the sweet memories of that time.
Jane

I do feel lucky to have found this Whole solution. And becoming accepting of change is proving not to be such a bad thing. I was resistant at first to putting my entire self into this -- had a bit of identity loss when I retired from dancing not too long ago -- and thought now who am I? how much of my old self am I going to lose now? So I have a cuter booty now (watch out Beyonce), will probably never sit on the toilet again, and have a great excuse to buy $100 low rise designer sweat pants . . . there are much worse ways to change. Thanks again for the vote of confidence. Maybe I'll invent a service for the newly prolaped -- a 1-800 number -- that can be called anytime day or night -- it always says: "You will be okay. This does get better." I know this repetition helps me to no end.

fullofgrace -- I am loving these lazy days! How fortunate I am! And you are right, I will be better for it when push comes to shove.

Yeah, I can imagine how p***ed off you are, now you know what you know. I had the same sort of experience when my asthma specialist decided he couldn't do any more for me and referred me off to an ENT, effectively washing his hands of me, then sent me the bill!!!

But I can laugh about it now I no longer have asthma!

Glad you are 'getting it'. My body certainly is different now, compared to when I started WW.

Cheers

Louise

I saw your post about postpartum moms that stop posting about their progress...and i just wanted to say i am now 23 weeks postpartum and things are deffinately better than when i first found my cystocele.....i believe phsycally things are slightly better but more than anything i have gotten "use" to it. It has only been 5 months since the delivery of my 2nd son but i still wish i could say i didnt even notice it anymore but i would be lying if i did. I have days where it doesnt bother me at all and then others where i just want to lay on the couch all day. There are still tons of improvements i could make to my life style like getting more exercise and ALWAYS staying in posture. And i still wear my jeans but i unbutton them while im driving and only wear them when i go out some where.....so im sure this contributes to it. Most of the time i am at home with my boys and even the days that i rest i still feel things are falling out. Soooo ive still got along way to go but right now i am just learning to deal with it i guess. My rectocele doesnt bother me much anymore so thats good. My perenium is such a mess though i still have a small cut that didnt heal and you can see all the skin layers that ripped and didnt fully fuse back together again. So i think that is why i have a ways to go.....i am hopeful though

Thank you, luvmiboyz, for the update. I think it helps others (I know it helps me), and hopefully yourself even to "chart" where you are in this journey. May it only get better!