Dealing With People That Don't Understand

Submitted by anonymous on July 31, 2010 - 6:04pm
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Hi Everyone,

I log onto the site every day and am again so thankful to have found Christine and all of you. As I read, I have realized that my situation is a bit different from almost everyone elses. Most of my insides are gone due to needless surgery and I develped my rectocele from the needless surgery. I want to continue on the site and continue learning and posting, but feel a bit inadequate when it comes to giving advice and sharing my experiences when what has happended to me seems to be a bit different. I've therefore decided to post about issues that most of us have probably run into in the emotional areas. I've found dealing with people in my life that don't understand my situation very difficult. It took me a while to understand, but eventually I realized that I basically had three choices. I could choose to disregard these people. In a sense cut them out of my life (for lack of a nicer way of saying it). I could take the time and energy to try to get them to understand what I was going through. Or lastly, I could just decide to accept them for who they are in the moment and recognize that they might not be ready to understand. I've found some people are afraid to know what has happened. Some people are afraid of what seems like an illness to them. They don't understand and they don't even like to think or talk about it. Or maybe the fact is that they just don't really care. I've found it very difficult when the people who don't understand are the people that I love and want in my life. To me these are the people to spend the time and energy explaining my situation to. At the same time, speaking for myself, my advice is to let go of those people who don't want to understand right now. Stand up for yourself with the people you really care about. Take care of and be be responsible for yourself, both emotionally and physically. I've learned to accept myself as I am at this present time.

anonymous

aza

July 31, 2010 - 7:59pm

Hi anonymous,
I wish you didn't feel inadequate on these forums when it comes to giving advice or sharing your experiences! Yes, your situation is different than many but when you get down to it, you are more like the rest of the women here than you are different from them. Almost everyone here falls somewhere along the continuum of POP. Personally, I would love to hear more from you I think you would have a lot to teach us all. That's all we are doing here, listening, learning, growing, feeding off one another, bouncing around ideas, figuring some things out along the way, and, of course, being as supportive as possible in a world that, as you describe, often has no clue how to handle or respond to something like POP or a woman who has had surgery on her reproductive system and is feeling the far reaching effects of this on pretty much every level there is.

It is not unlike the isolation and lack of support or understanding women who have miscarried or lost babies feel....or women who have healthy babes but endured a traumatic birth to get there. People are so speedy to try to sweep it all under the rug and as time goes by, it is as if these huge things never happened. It is just too intense and real for many people to handle, and many don't know that support and compassion does not have to actually 'do' anything...it just needs to be strong, stable, and present.

Have you considered gently but clearly saying to the people closest to you, hey, this is what I have been feeling and I am wondering if we can chat openly for a few minutes. Often this brings a degree of relief from the other people as well, most times they know there is an elephant in the room but just didn't want to bring it up or were unsure how to do it. I bet that the people you love also love you very much, and would be grateful for some clear communication. What do you think?

alemama

July 31, 2010 - 9:26pm

my back has hurt for about 13 years and I have been married for the last 10 and with the same man for the 2 years before that- and just this year I had an MRI done.
Let me tell you how much this has helped him to understand my disability. He got to look at the pictures, read the report and look up information about what exactly I have going on. He has also read reports other people have posted about their pain levels and what aggravates the condition.
He was always just a tad bit annoyed when I couldn't do something or when I had to get in bed for a few hours.
Now that he *knows* he is so so much more compassionate. For some reason he couldn't just take my word for it. The pictures are worth 1000 words!
It's weird. I know. but people simply can not understand pain or even discomfort and the intensity of it all unless they have either been through something similar or you can give them a great body of evidence to support your feelings.
Now prolapse is even more complex because it can only happen to women- it involves a *gasp* vagina and talking about it is very uncomfortable.
Did you read the most recent article on Cat Saunders' web site?
http://drcat.org/articles_interviews/html/Prolapse.html

hope it's okay to quote her here - she is talking about what it's like to go public with her diagnosis.....

"On the other hand, I have a deep spiritual commitment to discern the helpful purpose behind whatever comes my way, even if it has a fearsome appearance initially. When I prayed for guidance about the purpose of my having developed prolapse—including the discovery of how to overcome it through your work—the answer came swiftly and clearly: "Be a mouthpiece!"

I confess that my initial response to this directive was, "Oh, no! I don't want to tell anyone about my own prolapse!" But then I remembered how many times I haven't wanted to disclose something deeply personal before in my writing, and how many times I did it anyway in order to be of service to others."

I guess how we talk about this condition, who we talk to, how we want to be responded to are all things we each decide based on our own intuition.
The one thing I got straight real early was that I needed to be very clear about my needs. The other thing I developed was a short hand for talking about these needs- so I would just say 'I'm feeling low I need to rest' or 'nope I won't carry the baby like this all day I'll get all bulgy'

ok gotta go quick but maybe some of this makes sense....

colehollow

July 31, 2010 - 11:55pm

I am wondering if you still feel yourself a victim of someone who so thoughtlessly and so selfishly forever changed your life. That is real violation and still exists in our too slowly liberating world. If this is the case, you can either keep letting it eat away at the best of you, or you can find a way to siphon off the worst of it, let's say maybe through beating on a pillow or whipping the pillow against something like a filing cabinet. With the most violent part of your anger dissipated, then you can harness it as a personal energy source for your own good and the good of others. Anger can be a wonderful thing. But boy does it feel nasty, especially when it festers!

anonymous

August 1, 2010 - 9:25am

Hi Everyone,
Many thanks for all the caring, loving, informative responses to my posting. Thank-you Colehollow, Aza and Alemama. Such words of wisdom. I have realized that I'm not alone. I've realized that I am not alone in the mistreatment I received at the hands of Drs. At times it was stressful, degrading, depressing, and physically painful. At the time I was an uninformed, trusting consumer of medicine. No more! I've spoken to many people, (physicians included) on prolapse and asked them what they think it's all about. I've learned the the general public and most of the physicians I've encountered don't think it's a big deal, haven't given it much attention, and don't know or understand much about it. I feel like I've had to deal with fear, the fear of not improving or getting better. Now that I've found this site the fear is going away. I've had to deal with anger. Anger at the people in my life that didn't understand and the anger at the Drs. who had treated me poorly. The anger resurfaces at times but I have worked through most of it. I've also felt some guilt about my situation. I can't do some of the things I used to do and often have to say no to things and people. I used to feel like I was disappointing friends, family and loved ones. I've also had to deal with depression and I guess I'll call it shame. At times I was made to feel somewhat responsible for what happened to me. I now talk about all my feelings, what has happend to me and try to enlighten others about prolapse problems. I have allowed my self to cry and grieve about what happened. This process took me years. I still have the odd setback but for the most part have been able to move on. Most of all I've learned to take better care of myself in all areas. I plan to write more on some of the topics mentioned above but will do that later. It's a beautiful day here and I'm going to the park. Thanks to the WW posture, (yes it is helping me) I'm going to embark on a day long excursion outdoors! Yeah!

Thanks and hugs to all,

anonymous

heavenly

August 1, 2010 - 10:53am

I do talk about my issues but they just say what are you having for dinner or the like and that is nice but. I want support from my family and my husband does the best he can but the rest just don't get it, so, like you just got to take care of myself with this issue. When I am having a bad day, just want a hug and for someone to say I understand or it will be ok but they are in their own world most of the time. I have , and am still learning, I have to take care of me. Thank the good Lord for this site and all of you. This is where we can get the support we need. We can talk about most anything here. We are safe!

Love Ya and great post once again

colehollow

August 1, 2010 - 11:07am

and how quickly it can turn on those of us with prolapse to "woe is me!".

Now I wonder if some of the crankier women in my life suffer from prolapse/doctoral mutilation as well. How many times have I not had compassion for them? I can think of one person in particular, a senior colleague in a most senior position who has sometimes treated me very poorly. Maybe she too has it! Whether or not, it gives me more of an understanding of pain and compassion. Maybe next time she acts poorly toward me it will push different buttons in me , and the outcome will be more positive.

I can actually make a fun game of this kind of thinking, make a mental chart, and see if the people I deal with do better for my fairer treatment.

granolamom

August 1, 2010 - 7:40pm

I think it goes for everyone. you never really know what another person is coping with, or what their ability to cope is. even if its your spouse. probably always a good idea to give benefit of the doubt I guess, though that's certainly more easily said than done.
when my ds was in preK, his friends mom was always so short with me I began taking it so personally. then she told me she was celebrating because she was finally going for a haircut. I must've looked clueless so she explained that her hair had finally grown back after chemo. the woman was going for chemo and radiation treatments for lymphoma for the entire school year and I had no idea. so you never really know.
and we all feel pain differently, one person can pretty much write off what might send me to bed for a week. and how do you grade emotional pain?
my dh has a policy of assuming anyone who is rude to him is just 'walking wounded' from a messed up childhood or something.
doesn't mean we never get mad at people for lack of understanding or bad manners, but we try to keep it in perspective.
and then there will always be people who are just so wrapped up in their own experiences that they cannot take in someone else's.
whatcha gonna do.

so that's why this is a great place, the women here get it, will listen and care. {{{{{group hug}}}}}

mom30

August 1, 2010 - 10:07pm

We all get it. For one reason or another we all have it. It doesn't matter how. You are so not alone.

tullyleaf

August 2, 2010 - 12:25am

granolamom, thats a really beautifull caring policy your dh has,assuming rude or hurtfull people are 'walking wounded'.
im awed everytime i log on here by the wise and helpful words i see here everyday, thankyou to all whole women for sharing there energy and experience with us all, i cant put into words just how inspirational and supportive ww is for me!i hope one day to be helpfull to others here too . im slowly realising that for me, pop is more than just a changed body, its my path, a shift in consiousness, i have learned more about my strenghts as a women during the last few months that ever before in my colourful,challenging life. amazing!!!!!!!!
thankyou so much to this beautifull community, blessings xxxxxxx