Trying to cope

Submitted by christinabf on September 2, 2010 - 9:31pm
Body: 

Hello everyone. I'm new to this site and this is my first time posting in this forum, though I have already read many of your discussions. My midwife recently confirmed my fears that I have a prolapsed bladder, and my physical therapist diagnosed a mild rectocele a couple of days ago at my first appointment with her. I am so depressed and feel kind of hopeless. Please excuse me in advance for writing such a long post - I guess I feel that in order to truly understand my frustrations, one would have to know my pregnancy and birth stories.

I have two daughters: a 3-year old and an 8-week old. I felt somewhat prepared for the birth of my first. Upon the recommendation of my midwife, my husband and I had hired a doula. The main reason I felt I needed a doula was because my husband is extremely queasy and I was worried about having adequate support during delivery. I also had hopes of preventing a medicated birth, though my pain tolerance is so low I was sure I wouldn't be able to handle labor. When I was 2 days overdue, I was sent to the hospital for routine tests to find out that not only was my baby Frank breech (misdiagnosed as head down by both my midwife and my OB), I had no fluid left, and I had just started early labor. The doctor in the antenatal care unit didn't let me leave the hospital and I had a c-section that day. All day, while I waited for surgery, the doula kept trying to convince me to get the OB to turn the baby manually, which the midwife and doctor explained was a crazy idea without fluid and having contractions. The doula made me feel like a total failure for going with the doctor. I was so frightened of surgery, as it hadn't even entered my mind that I would need it, and here I was with this doula making me feel like crap. My husband got the same vibe from her. She could barely acknowledge me afterwards. Anyway, the recovery was awful, as any of you who have had a c-section can attest to, but I decided that I didn't feel like I had failed after all. I felt at peace with what had happened, since I had a beautiful healthy baby girl, and I quickly put it behind me. I guess it helped that I had an excellent surgeon who told me right after he was done that I would be an excellent candidate for a VBAC, and I was with my daughter only an hour after she was born. She went straight to my breast, and I nursed her until a month before my 2nd daughter was born, just 2 months before her 3rd birthday.

When I got pregnant with my 2nd daughter, I decided against having a doula because of my previous experience. I went back and forth with the decision to have a VBAC. My midwife, the same one I had with my 1st daughter, really wanted me to have one because she thought I missed out on an incredible experience the first time. My husband wanted me to because he remembered how hard the c-section was on me. To be honest, I felt very ambiguous about it - I really didn't feel like I missed much the first time. However, I decided to VBAC because I thought it would be less traumatic to my body, and the recovery would be easier. My decision was based solely on recovery and trauma, and not on the desire to experience childbirth. This might sound crazy to some people, but that's how it was.

I had a terrible pregnancy - I was sick all the time, and on top of it all an abnormality showed up on my 20-week ultrasound that was a marker for Down's, and I was terrified. I didn't have an amnio, though, and decided to just wait it out. Anyway, the whole time I was worried about my baby's health, I was also still on the fence about the VBAC. I had a feeling I should have c-section, but my husband and my midwife kept encouraging me to have a vaginal birth.

2 1/2 weeks before my due date, my midwife was unavailable so I saw my OB, who immediately told me I should have a c-section and signed me up for one in case I went overdue again. I don't like my OB (I think she's incompetent), but with my insurance I don't have much choice. I knew that I didn't want her operating on me, so when I saw my midwife the next week I told her as much and she told me that once an OB schedules something, she can't do anything about it. So, out of desperation, she stripped my membranes with the hope that I wouldn't go overdue. 4 days later I was in labor in the hospital. My labor didn't progress all day, I had an epidural because I couldn't handle the pain and because they said it would be better to already have one in case I needed a c-section after all. After 16 hours of not progressing, I had to make a decision to have a c-section or try, at the maximum, another couple of hours. Within two hours I went from 4 to 10 centimeters. Since I was medicated, I had to sit upright for a while to help the baby descend. I pushed for 40 minutes, and my baby was born. I saw her for 5 seconds, not even enough time to see if she was healthy or not, when a quiet panic filled the room - I was hemorrhaging, and it wasn't bleeding from my perineum tears. I lost a half liter of blood. Within seconds the room was filled with doctors and nurses hooking me up to things before they wheeled me into the OR. I remember looking at my husband, who was on the other side of the room with the baby, and thinking that he was going home without me, that my children would be motherless. I ended up in surgery for 2 1/2 hours to repair a completely shattered cervix and torn uterus - all this done vaginally and not through my abdomen, and I was awake the whole time (I guess the epidural paid off in this instance, since they just had to change the drugs they were administering instead of putting me under). The surgeon said it was the worse she'd ever seen, and the midwife, who has been practicing for 30 years, told me she's never seen what happened to me. They couldn't even fully stitch my cervix, they had to use something called "packing" to help clot my wounds. When I finally saw my daughter, 3 hours after her birth, I was too drugged to nurse her, and told my husband he should take her because I felt I was going to pass out, which I did just after handing her back to him.

I was on a mainly liquid diet for 3 days following (they let me eat twice) and had to keep a catheter in the whole time, just in case they needed to perform abdominal surgery to repair my kidneys, which they feared might have been injured during the surgery. I was told I couldn't nurse for 24 hours because of a contrast dye scan they needed to do, and I was really disappointed - how could I go back to nursing after 24 hours? A lactation consultant and a midwife did some research and felt it was fine for me to nurse within 12 hours, which I did and thankfully, my baby went right back to the breast. Luckily, no extra damage to my kidneys and I was sent home on day 4.

2 days later, I started to pee all the time, the urge was constant, particularly when standing or walking. I went to see my OB a week later for a post-op check-up and mentioned the problem, and she said everything looked fine. 10 days later, I still had the urge, so I went to see my midwife, who checked me for a UTI and told me to do my Kegels because I was "very big". 3 weeks later, I still had the urge to pee all the time, so I went to see a different midwife for my 6-week check-up and told her that I thought I had a prolapsed bladder. She did the typical 6-week exam, told me I still had stitches on my cervix, checked my "vaginal tone" and told me it "wasn't bad" and that everything looked fine. I said: "So I don't have a prolapsed bladder?" and she replied: "Oh, yeah, you have a cystocele. It's not the worst I've seen. It's all part of aging. Do your Kegels. You can do physical therapy if you want, and there's always surgery". Just like that, as if it were nothing. And off she sent me, telling me that I could benefit from counseling in helping me to get over my birth trauma (I was still crying about it) because she couldn't do it for me.

Since my diagnosis, I have been very depressed. I am only 38 years old and do not consider myself to be "aging" that quickly, and I was extremely active. Furthermore, I don't have a car and have to walk everywhere I go, and this problem has taken its toll on what I am able to do with my children. My 3-year old starts preschool next week, and I will be walking at least 3 miles a day just to bring her there and back. I am not able to wear my newborn as I did with my first child, so I feel that she is not getting the contact she should have. Thankfully, she is a rather easy baby, totally unlike my first who would only sleep in a sling while I was walking, and who couldn't be put down for a second. However, I had envisioned effortless bonding with my baby, and now I have to make a real effort to maintain enough physical contact because I have a 3-year old who needs me as well. This would be a non-issue if I could wear my newborn in a sling and just go about my day.

I feel old beyond my years now. I am seeking a therapist who can help me work through my trauma and this diagnosis, because I want to be a positive force in my daughters' lives. Mostly, I feel a ton of regret and responsibility. I feel like I should have had the c-section, that all this (birth trauma and prolapse) would have been avoided if I had, and by now I would be out there enjoying my life. Since I wasn't attached to the experience of a vaginal birth, I feel like I made the wrong decision by having one. The only experience I associate with the birth are fear and trauma. I feel that everyone involved, except for the surgeon who fixed me and the women who helped me to keep nursing while in the hospital, have failed me. I feel like I was just an experiment, or someone's agenda, and that everyone involved was just making it up as they went along. Because of this experience, I refuse to have any more children, and my husband will be getting a vasectomy, assuming I ever have the desire to have sex again. How do you do that when you feel disgusting? My husband has been very understanding and encouraging, and tells me that no matter what, I am beautiful. He reminds me that I made 2 beautiful babies, that my body still needs to heal, and what ends up being my new normal is a result of my hard work of making and birthing our babies and doing all we both can do to improve my health.

My sister keeps telling me that I have a healthy baby and I should be grateful for that, but I think the two are completely separate issues. Of course I'm grateful for my new baby, but does that mean I can't also feel a great loss with this new health issue? I used to feel sexy, I had an active sex life with my husband, I took pride in my abilities and my appearance, I went everywhere with my daughter and enjoyed my life tremendously. Now I think I'll never feel that way again. I have no more self-esteem.

I guess I don't really know what I'm asking for here. I don't really have any questions. I just received STWW today, and I am practicing the posture. I already follow a vegan diet with many raw foods, and I drink a lot of water - this was part of my lifestyle before the diagnosis anyway. I suppose I'm looking for some kind of sisterhood... no one ever talks about this. Anytime I see a mother out with her kids, which happens a lot when you're a stay-at-home mom, I ask myself: "What's her vagina like now? Where's her bladder?". I just can't stop thinking about it. How does one stop thinking about it?

I apologize again for such a long post.

Bea

September 2, 2010 - 10:27pm

Wow. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I am 29, 8 weeks pp with my second child, and discovered four weeks ago that I have rectocele and cystocele. It is pretty devastating.

I can identify with much of what you said. I too had a c-section with my first, and a VBAC with my second. However, my birth trauma was associated with the c-section. I went through a lot of regret and guilt over the c-section, just as you are with the VBAC. It took a very long time for me to accept and let go of what happened. Talking to others who understood and were sympathetic to what I went through helped a lot. I have gone through a lot of the same guilt and regret over my prolapse. I keep thinking about what I could've done differently to avoid this problem. It has been deeply depressing. I feel like a damaged woman, I feel anything but sexy, I can't lift or dance with my toddler like I used to... He wants to be held and I simply can't do it anymore. I feel so limited, and terrified all the time that my bulge will get worse if I even so much as breathe wrong. I have the desire to have sex but as soon as the act starts I feel nauseated about it, have no interest, and want to hide in a dark closet somewhere.

The good news is I ordered Christine's book and workout. Both are excellent. I have only used the dvd twice so far, but it has already helped. I have much hope that I can reverse my problem, or at least manage it comfortably. You should have that hope as well. It sounds like you have a wonderful and supportive husband. Take heart in that.

Oh, I read somewhere that estrogen levels play an important role in vaginal tone. These levels are low when breastfeeding. So once you and I begin to wean, perhaps our symptoms will improve.

Thank you for your story.

- Bea

bad_mirror

September 2, 2010 - 10:29pm

I'm sorry I only have a minute, and I so want to post a reply worthy of your story! Just know that at 8 weeks pp, you are only just beginning in what will be amazing healing for you! For real. By all of the actions you mentioned, you have already put yourself on a path that can only help. It really can, and does, get better! Big hug.

alemama

September 2, 2010 - 10:57pm

oh baby baby. oh my goodness. I have no words to use to convey the extent of my sympathy. Maybe I could just hold you for a while ((((christina))).
you have been through it!
Hey, Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.
It's so normal to wonder about other moms (and the vaginas of other moms) and so many moms have had traumatic births it's insane.
You are going to heal. You are going to heal physically and emotionally because you are willing to do the work it takes to get better.
You may not be able to babywear now, but you will be able to before your baby is big.
Sadly this prolapse deal can get in the way of your bonding with your baby. Take good care of yourself and know that taking the right actions to promote bonding will in time inspire those exact feelings. You know, when there is delayed bonding on the part of the mom, but the mom continues to breastfeed and talk to and hold the baby, there is no delayed bonding on the part of the baby....and that is the most important part for now.

Reading your story and the part about the hemorrhaging I was so concerned that you were going to say 'and then they took out my uterus' . I was so glad to read that they sewed it back together. "at least you still have your uterus' which is crucial to getting the best outcome from this work.

I understand exactly when you say you felt like you were just a part of someones agenda, an experiment. It's true that each doctor, midwife, loved one, and other support people each have their own agenda. They don't do it to spite you, they just do it because that is where they are at the time. It's so hard to make a decision when you don't have strong feelings one way or the other. And of course it is so hard to look back with regrets and fearing you made the wrong choice. You will get through this.
I have 4 children and it took me 4 births to 'get it right' so that I didn't have any regrets.
Prolapse is a walk in the park eventually.
So sorry for your loss. But maybe think of it as a temporary loss.
Ok my eyes are closing. I must sleep. I'll be thinking of you.

granolamom

September 2, 2010 - 10:59pm

hi christinabf, and welcome to the site
you will find a sisterhood here, as you can see we talk about all this stuff.
I'm so sorry for all the trauma you've been through. you do know that this is not your fault, even though you're feeling responsible for it. it really does sound like you've had one professional after another fail you on so many levels. and I totally agree that your having a healthy baby is an issue separate and apart from the very real loss your are experiencing right now. everyone always says the 'important thing is healthy baby/healthy mother' and yeah thats true, but the rest matters too.
you know, 8 weeks pp is very very early. so much can and will happen in the next year or two in terms of healing. your husband sounds so supportive and grounded, lean on him and try to have faith that you ARE beautiful and you WILL find a new normal that feels just that...NORMAL.
I went through an awful time when I first found my prolapse, feeling deformed and physically repulsive, but not anymore. my sex life is just as fabulous as it was before. you can get there. it takes time. this is a very real loss, one that you will mourn as you go through the grieving process. aside from working through the emotional stuff, know also that this posture really and truly works.
most likely by the time your baby celebrates her first birthday you'll be feeling so much better!

walking can be good for prolapse, especially when done in posture, but I wish you didn't have to walk so much so soon! not that I think its detrimental to do so, but at 8 weeks pp you still need some babying yourself (just my opinion, I like to baby new moms).

you asked 'how does one stop thinking about it' and I don't think about it unless I'm posting here. because its just boring. its become part of my landscape like my new wrinkles around my eyes and really causes me no discomfort that requires my attention. so I prefer to think about more interesting things than where my bladder is (or where everyone elses bladder is although I will admit that I used to wonder that about other moms too)

so stick around, we'll help you through this.
and congrats on teh baby!

aza

September 2, 2010 - 11:43pm

Welcome to WW, Christina! i am with the others who would like to just warp you up in a warm hug.
Are you a member here to be able to access the member only parts? I just watched the Nora Coffey interview earlier today and I can still hear her quiet rage at the malpractice in modern medicine. I feel so sad that vaginal birth is being blamed for your current problems when the reality is that one of the most important aspects to ensure a safe VBAC is a birthing woman who is not medicated. Please tell me that your labour was not augmented with pitocin or syntocinon, which it totally contraindicated for VBAC and greatly increases the rate of uterine rupture, which it sounds like what you meant by 'torn uterus'?
I know this is only one small aspect of your story but it just jumped out at me. When will the medical community begin to help us birth in ways that don't tear us to shreds? The onus is on them, in your case, I believe, and it sounds like they miserably failed you. i am so sorry.

louiseds

September 3, 2010 - 3:06am

Hi Christina

I can only echo what the others have said. They are all very wise women, and they say you will get better, and you will.

No doubt you are still reeling from this birth, and still haven't fully made sense of the first either. You certainly haven't had optimum birthing experiences ... yet. (That was a joke. Don't even go there.)

Once you can cope with your current reality you can set about making sense of what happened. In the meantime, can you reach out to your network, or even community services, and see if you can get some help with getting your daughter to pre-school. There might be somebody who could pick up your daughter and take her for a few weeks, or drop her home. I am sure you will be able to repay the favour one day. Perhaps an older neighbour? Or is there a school bus you could utilise?

I can now laugh at the memory of walking my five year old to and from school with the two year old in the stroller, and wearing my newborn, and staying in the classroom for half an hour to help with reading once a week, while the two year old played up the back, as only a two year old can. I must have been nuts! My POP symptoms were not serious at the time, and I only had to walk about 100m to get to the school, so it wasn't a big deal.

You obviously prepared for these births very well and had all the loose ends tied up neatly, then it went pear-shaped both times, which would be very distressing in itself. Please don't blame yourself for this. You can only do so much to make it all go well. And there are no guarantees for any of us. You have not failed *anybody*. Rather, I think it is the other way around. Somebody has failed you.

Breathe in deeply affirmations that your wonderful husband has given you. He does not say these things lightly. You have done well. Your body will recover. You are not disgusting, even if you feel that way. You will feel attractive and sexually desirable again, and you will get back to enjoying sex, when you are ready. The big secret we have here is that we *know* that men really don't even notice our POPs during sex! Sure, a woman who has had babies is looser all over, but the female body is an amazing machine that is capable of awesome recovery, given time. We can help you with some sex tips later. Right now, I think you are just interested in surviving, and rightly so.

Come on in, Sister. You are in the right place. Enjoy your reading. The book is technical, but written in lay terms. It has been my POP bible. Take it bit by bit.

Louise

gardengirl

September 3, 2010 - 4:28am

Life sure does give us some tough challenges to overcome and you have just been through a tough one.

WW and the info and support you will receive here, will hopefully help to sustain you in your journey to recovery. Then you will have amazing knowledge and motivation to help other women.

There is a lot that needs to be done- a lot better than it is. Woman are starting to speak out about the wrongs and misinformation. There is a growing force of women, motivated by their experiences.

If I had not developed a prolapse I would still be ignorant about this epidemic of female issues.

I would just like to send you a hug too. It all takes time but you sound like you have some pretty good habits and now with the support and advice from WW, things will get better.

christinabf

September 3, 2010 - 7:45am

I am overwhelmed by the reaching out and cyber hugs... Thank you all so much for your support. I'm still trying to make sense of what happened to me, but it's hard because even the doctors didn't know for sure. Some thought it was a uterine rupture that worked its way down to my cervix (which generally doesn't happen with uterine rupture), others thought it started at my cervix and worked it's way up. So, there's no resolution, no closure, because there is no answer.

I'm grateful to have found WW, and I look forward to your insights. I am just trying to survive right now, but I hope to get to a point where I can enjoy the basics again.

oh_mum

September 3, 2010 - 11:01am

about thinking about every other mother's bladders! What's even worse... very often when I tell another new mother about my situation they can't even mask the horror in their face.

And it was only after I started having all these problems that my mum finally told me about how both my grandmothers and an aunt had similar problems. Well, they've all led pretty full lives, so I look forward to tomorrow being a better day than today.

So keep your spirits up! This isn't the end of the world, your body will heal and you will be fabulous again. You just might need a lot of help in the mean time.

In sisterhood,
Natalia

IrinaM

September 3, 2010 - 9:02pm

I just wish we could sit somewhere and share stories, cry a bit, and then maybe at some point we could share some laughs. That part probably sounds insane to you -- actually, it sounds kind of strange to me, too -- but thanks to this site I think it might be possible.

My heart is breaking for you. There are a lot of similarities in our stories but your experience in some ways was far worse. I can only imagine the physical and emotional suffering you endured both during and after your delivery and you are so brave and strong. Though you don't believe it right now, we'll keep reminding you.

A couple of things jumped right out at me. First, the fact that you are only 8 weeks PP. That is so early. You have so much more healing to do and please know that you will. It's great that you have found this site so early in the game. I didn't discover it until after I had had bladder suspension surgery for a significant prolapse. As I understand it now, not only did this surgery involve serious risks, but it also effectively caused my uterus to fall right into the space left by the bladder. At the time of the surgery I was only 1 year PP and I know now that my body was not finished healing. If only I had given my body more time to heal, perhaps I wouldn't be where I am. But I'm giving you the same advice I give myself (easier given than followed, admittedly) -- try not to get stuck in regret. So much of what has happened to all of us is hopelessly complex. It's impossible to sort out for certain exactly how we got to the spots we're in, but now we're doing damage control and that's the important thing.

I hear you on the whole feeling disgusting/unsexy thing that I still struggle with on a daily basis. Of course you love your baby and your new family but something like this gets at your very roots. It's not perfect yet, but it's starting to improve for me and it will get better for you, too.

I hope that you can find a way to go easy on the walking until you are a bit more healed. You've been through so much and you need to be as gentle with yourself as is possible with 2 babies. Please be kind to yourself.

Christine

September 3, 2010 - 10:51pm

Bless your heart, Christina. You are on a hero’s journey and it’s most probable that by this time next year you will hardly remember your prolapse. The pain and sadness will be distant memories too. You have all your bits, nothing has been seriously shuffled around, so your bladder and uterus will pull forward and all will be well. This is not simply a wish for you, but the way it works for the postpartum woman who begins to live in her natural shape.

The shoulders and rib cage are so very important for healing prolapse. It is true that the human body is a tension/compression system with the sacrum/uterus as the hub of the wheel. A strong, lifted chest is what allows the lumbar curve to expand on its own and if the lower belly is relaxed, push the bladder and uterus into position directly behind the lower abdominal wall. Just a little anatomy to help you understand why wearing your baby high on your torso (close to your heart) may be just the exercise you need.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Our stories are precious and it will be the telling of them, over and over, that will bring the consciousness necessary to end the unskillful brutality of technological birth.

(((((hugs from Christine)))))

christinabf

September 6, 2010 - 12:47am

It's so strange that other new mothers would react the way they do. I have told a few about my prolapse, and they are horrified, but I also know that many women don't even realize that have POP as well. My own sister, who has a prolapsed bladder, doesn't even know how bad hers is. Her gyno told her she had one, she pees herself when she sneezes, runs, etc., but when I asked her if she could feel it or see it at her vaginal opening, she said "Well, probably, if I looked or felt around" WHAT??? How could someone not look at or feel around their own bits? I just don't understand why women don't make more of an effort to know their bodies.

christinabf

September 6, 2010 - 12:46am

I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with your c-section. It surely is a violent surgery, and definitely not what anyone expects their first birth experience to be. I'm happy that you had a healthy VBAC, though. I feel really awful for people who wish for an experience and don't have it.

I will say, despite the fact that I really still wish I'd had the c-section the second time around, the physical recovery (in terms of pain) was much easier with the vaginal delivery, even with everything that happened to me. If my vaginal birth hadn't been so traumatic, maybe I would be really happy that I had it, but my memories are not of the birth but of the trauma.

I know what you mean about not being able to do things with your toddler. Just tonight, my husband carried our 3-year old to bed, and she wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist, and I felt envious. I carried her in my Ergo carrier until she was 2 years old, and I loved it. We used to dance a lot as well, but I'm too afraid to pick her up. Every time I carry something, like a bag of groceries, I just want to run to the bathroom and take out the mirror I use for my daily "bulge checks" to make sure it isn't worse.

I feel damaged, too. Part of it is the damage to my cervix and uterus, but it's mostly the prolapse. I keep telling my husband that I'm "broken". A few nights ago, I was crying to him about it, and I actually told him that I should just give him permission to have an affair. He looked so hurt and confused, and I immediately told him I was sorry, but that fact is, that's how I was feeling: like I had nothing to give him anymore.

You and I are in the same place - 2 months postpartum and hoping for time to help heal us. Let's keep a dialogue going about our progress.

Hugs from me.

Christina

Oceanblue

September 6, 2010 - 6:13am

Christina, you have a lot of courage :)
I send you the warmest and gentlest of hugs.
Oceanblue

granolamom

September 7, 2010 - 9:52pm

You and I are not in the same place, but I've been in a similar place. and I want you to know that I am no longer limited by prolapse. I no longer feel broken or that I have nothing to offer my dh. I wear my baby, I lift my 35lb 3 yo, I dance around with my 7 yo, I play soccer with my 9 yo and basketball with my 9 yo. I'm on my feet most of the day (when I'm not doing laundry). I garden (a bit). whatever I've ever wanted to do, I am doing.
it gets better. really.
you have some healing to do, physically, emotionally, and it takes time. wish I could help you get there faster, but all I can do is let you know that there is plenty of reason to remain hopeful that you will have your life back one day.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

kiwigirl

September 8, 2010 - 9:14pm

Hello Christina, and welcome, I just read your sad post, it brought a tear to my eye, so i can only imagine what you have been through!Like all the women here I have great empathy for you. Also having my own baby , birthing and POP issues, not anything like yours.Looking back I can say the same as others, you are in the early stages PP, I needed 1-2 years after each of my 3 vaginal births.I was 37 when my 3rd was born and I had a partial vaginal prolapse, as the doc termed it, on the 3-4th day after his birth. I went to the gym when he was 16months, although I was able to do that much earlier if it had worked out. Could walk a reasonable distance , well before that though, with some feeling of heaviness.My 1st needed lots of attention, the 2nd fitted in as long as her needs were met and to her that meant a routine of feed, change , play and sleep. Every 4 hours when she was a baby.No.3 needed attention, but lil sister helped there until she went to school when he was 6 months. That no.3 is now 20! And like the replies here, to your post, I am in a much better place in my mind for handling the POP. But you have the added internal things, so it will take time, it has taken some of us a long time to love our bodies for what they have done, and given us, and we appeciate that more and more as we get older. Easy to say,I know, I remember too well the old feeling...., the traumatic feelings with losing my first at 19.5 weeks, 2 others after that, and 1 between child 1 and 2. so my things have been more with miscarrying , long 2nd stage labours, and bruising for me and each baby.Its not surprising baby 1 was so fretful, he took on my feelings for the next 20 years!Ive forgiven myself for that now, as we can only do the best we know at any given time from the experience and learning we have at that time .And with each difficult episode in our lives comes a greater learning that helps us in the future. :-)
For now my heart goes out to you, that each day you will see some improvement, no matter how little, to becoming the woman, mother , wife you wish to be.LOts of love and hugs M

clavicula

September 10, 2010 - 1:44am

OMG, what a story! I am in tears...
Just came to offer you a hug. We are here for you, to support you and answer all your questions! And give you hope of course!

Hugs
Liv