My labour story, dealing with prolapse, trying to heal.....

I am 28 years old and suffer from cystocele prolapse. I am having difficulty coming to terms with this at present. Here is my story...let me warn you now, it is a book!
I was induced 10 days after my due date, I wanted a natural birth and really wanted to avoid the induction, tried nearly all the tips but unfortunatley none of them worked, I went into hospital with an open mind, my main goal, to deliver a healthy baby boy, maybe a little too relaxed?

It started with the doc breaking waters at 830am, an hour later I felt cramping...I tested positive for strep b so had the tube inserted into my wrist and given the antibiotics. I then started the pitocin at 10am and from the word go contractions started.. 2 mintues apart...from the beginning of one to the next...at the beginning I could walk the halls of the hospital strapped to the drip which helped me handle contractions quite well (in hindsight I can say that hehe) but I needed to be monitored so I had to return to my room. After 2 hours of contractions 2 minutes apart sometimes even closer, I started throwing up and wearing down, I felt like a failure, I asked for an epidural (intervention after intervention its true what they say), I was happy after that, Im not sure if I would have lasted any longer without a break between the contractions... I was strapped to the bed, I felt so confined, just wanting to unstrap my self from all the cords and move my body freely!!!

My labour was progressing quite fast, they checked at 11.30am and I was 4cm then at about 2pm I was 7cm. I was throwing up even though I couldn't feel any pain, obviously my body was working hard. It was then at around 5pm that they checked and my ds head was crowning, I had no idea, could not feel a thing.. all of a sudden, it was time to deliver this baby, legs were then up in the air and midwives had their fingers on my stomach to guide me and tell me when to push, I gave it my all and pushed, 30 minutes later my ds was born, he was put straight on my chest, he was not breathing, I couldnt move, couldnt speak just literally froze, they realised very quickly and cut the cord and he was whisked away, they called code blue and doctors came running in they had to resuscitate, I felt dead at that moment, all I wanted to hear was that cry... 2 minutes later, I heard it, the best sound in the world. I looked down and there was blood all over the bed, I felt faint, asking if that was normal everyone replied yes while massaging my stomach, really it was a postpartum hemorrhage, I lost a litre, I felt so faint that I had to throw up, thankfully as that stopped the hemmorrhage. After that my healthy baby boy was put on my chest, I was over the moon. I was told I had a 3rd degree tear and my placenta was ragged, I couldnt care what they were saying or doing down there I had my baby boy in my arms.. I had retained placenta so the doc had to put her hand and arm up there to scrape it out.. twice.. then afterwards stiched my tear. My DS was a healthy weight (I had preterm labour at 28 weeks, was told that my ds was in the 5th percentile for weight, had another one at 30 weeks was just above 5th percentile they were thinking a 6pound baby ended up being nearlly 8 pound!). okay so there is my book on my labour, Im sure it would have had more details if I had writted right after the fact lol.

Now to the aftermath, I go home 5 days later and avoid any cleaning apart from packing the dishwasher, wiping over bathroom and cleaning after myself for 6 weeks, my main focus was to look after my new baby boy and rest as much as I could, I now think maybe it just wasnt enough or for long enough, I now have a prolapse... this is the hardest thing to deal with, I discovered it after my stitches healed and I felt brave to touch (8 weeks after birth), I felt a ball at the entrance of my vagina, I called the doc right away. she sent me home saying, avoid heavy lifting, straining and do kegals, lots of kegals. it has been 4 weeks now and I dont notice any difference, she told me to come back after 6 weeks if it is not better and she can refer me to physio to ensure I am doing them correctly. It has been 4 weeks and I dont feel like I am getting better, I feel broken, like my body has let me down, what was supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, labour, wasn't, did I not wait long enough after my due date, my choice for the induction was 10 days or 13 days after, I chose 10 but if i did wait, would it have been too late, did I not look after myself properly, didnt I do enough kegals while pregnant, did I not exercise enough, all these things flow through my mind, but reality is, it has happened, none of my could ofs or should ofs will change this, I now need to focus on dealing with it, finding peace within somehow, I have read a couple of posts on this site and it makes me feel a bit better, like I am not alone, which is start I guess.. The other thing that keeps me grounded most days at the moment is telling myself I have the greatest gift in the world, a child, I cant believe how much love I have to give and how much joy he has brought into my world, I would go through the labour again in a heartbeat to hold my son :) I also tell myself, I am lucky I am healthy, I am lucky I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a lovely home, a supportive and loving husband and family, I tell myself this every day, to be thankful for all the good in my life, this is the first hurdle I have faced really and I want to be strong and find peace but for some reason after all this positive thinking.. I still feel.......broken..will time heal I wonder?