Is this getting better? (in other words - seeking reassurance!)

Submitted by lilemma on July 14, 2011 - 6:43pm
Body: 

In my previous posts I've talked in detail about the rectocele and cystocele I've discovered apprx 4.5 months postpartum. I was driving myself nuts with constant worry and sadness about this. I decided to put it out of my mind until I see my obgyn on July 26 and to be honest I've been conscious of my posture but haven't examined myself in a few days. I've not had one symptom, nothing. I've had sex and it hasn't affected that physically (although emotionally it did worry me), I've no problems with bowel movements or urinating. I checked tonight (stupid me') and I can feel it. It Is not down to my vaginal opening at all, even when I bear down. Too much info , I know, but you guys understand I'm sure :-). When I insert my finger inside I can feel lots of bulging but there is still a Space between my rectocele and cystocele. When I think back over the past few months after I had Emma, there were quite a few times where I did leak small amounts of urine. I would try to stop my urine flow to locate my pelvic muscles and it was very difficult to do, I also mentioned that I once did not make it to the toilet in time fir a bm (obviously has never happened to me'). I has not really examined myself yet at that time, however I am certain that of course my celes were there then and probably worse based on my symptoms. So I guess what is reassuring to me' is that I did have symptoms and now I don't. Even though I'm not sure how it looked at that time I'm assuming it must

have been worse. I'm really really hoping that it gets better like everyone is telling me' it will. My anxiety over this has truly played a role in my very crappy week. Off topic but did any of you go through a rough patch in your marriage in the first year after you had children? My husband and I just seem off. We've been picking at eachother, arguing over silly things and just distant from one another. I'm having a tough time, I love him so much but I feel like there is this wall between us. Then add the pop on top of that and it interferes more with our intimacy, even sex seems strange! I adore my daughter obviously, she is my world! And I'm not depressed or anything. It's just that everything else in just seems so different. I just feel like i miss my husband and the intimacy we have shared for the past ten years :-( Thanks for listening! I needed to get it out !

louiseds

July 14, 2011 - 8:20pm

Lillemma, thankyou for posting your progress. I get a real buzz when a newbie posts her initial progress. Yes indeed, something has changed for you in response to actions you have taken. This *is* what happens. Keep going.

Re your marriage. Lillemma, so much has changed for you in this first year of marriage. And a baby on top of it throws a watermelon in your peacefully and tastefully arranged fruit bowl ... and some soft fruit gets squashed and bruised. You are both probably struggling with your own challenges at this time. One of the harder things in relationships is finding the bravery to talk about it with each other. You are truly together in this. I don't think I would be speaking out of place to say that it is usually the woman who has the presence of mind to recognise the problem and start the dialog.

I look at men as being made of blue steel on the outside and fairy floss in the middle. Wound that skin and the fairy floss is very vulnerable.

Women are fairy floss on the outside and blue steel in the middle. We get our fairy floss wounded all the time (call us sensitive if you like), but inside that fairy floss is a core of blue steel. We are the ones who are able to be strong and resilient even when we are feeling wounded.

Feeling wounded seems to go with the territory of being a woman. We bleed every month from our yoni fer-cry-sake! We give birth to our most beloved children through that same yoni. We give ourselves sexually, and express ourselves and get enjoyment from that same yoni. We have to be made of steel to fight the urge to throw the screaming fruit of our love out the window when we feel that we cannot deal with it any more. We are tough, and intuitive.

Men will run away from their pain, because they are scared. "How can somebody made of blue steel be scared?" They don't understand it. He is probably feeling like he has been replaced by Emma. Yet he will be feeling so proud of her and of you. Feeling like he is being hurt by those he loves the most, and who are the centre of his life. He needs to get over that, because your kids will do this to both of you for the next 20 years or more.

The way to deal with it is to talk about it, little by little, and let him know how much you love him, appreciated him and are thankful for his presence in your life. Bring him back to you. Let him know he still belongs beside you.

I don't know what your sex life is like, but babies kind of dent it, both by drying your vagina while you are nursing, and by taking your energy and time. I used to feel really touched out. I was in constant physical contact with my littlies, and just needed to have a rest from it occasionally. DH's need for sex was just his need for intimacy, and I took it as just another person wanting to be right up close to me. I couldn't handle it. So he felt quite rejected, but it wasn't about him. It was about me. Yes, I got over it, but letting him know where you are at is a good first step to letting him know that he is not permanently on the outer.

Most marriages go up and down as you both go through life's challenges. You have to keep talking, seeking to understand each other, seek forgiveness and forgive each other. You are role modelling for Emma how mature grownups do life, and you will be until the day you die. I am still learning from my 99 year old mum how to live life graciously and well.

Hope theses things give you something to think about and talk about.

Louise

chickaboom

July 16, 2011 - 7:24pm

thank you for this post, Louise, just another post to tuck away for reference in my Louise's Wisdoms for Living Life file.

Question about urinary incontinence that clears up -- doesn't that sometimes mean the bladder has actually prolapsed further and the urethra is now kinked, hence the bladder "control"? I figured that's what the disappearance of my incontinence during this last pg was...

lilemma

July 17, 2011 - 7:28pm

Thanks for the excellent advice and wisdom Louise! I am hopeful things are improving. I felt my cystocele tonight and it seems smaller. I no longer have that irritated feeling of needing to pee all the either. My rectocele seems larger though. No symptoms at all however. I've had a super busy weekend with too much food, standing, lifting and cleaning. I've barely sat down at all. I'm going to keep working on my posture and crossing my fingers that things get better. I have a (too much information) question. It often feels like I get air stuck in my vagina. Not only during sex but if I bend down to get something, etc. It must be because the air gets caught begins my prolapses correct!? Tonight I went swimming and I could feel some water up there too. I have physio on Thursday morning, I'm anxious to hear what they have to say. Should I be doing any kegals at all? And I'm giving my marriage a bit of tlc this weekend too. My moms taking Emma overnight and I'm surprising dh with a hotel room and reservations at a nice restaurant. I can't wait. Late checkout and everything!!!! I'm so excited not only for the time with him, but to get a full nights sleep! It'll be the first one since February!

louiseds

July 18, 2011 - 4:50am

Hi Lilemma

Lots of discussion about this in the past. Try Searching 'air in the vagina', vaginal air' and like terms. Yes, the air gets sucked in when your torso is upside down and your organs fall so far in that they fall away from their spots and air gets sucked in to take their place. At least your organs are mobile enough to move back in. It is not all bad news, but the vagina farts are a bit of a surprise! <:-o now="" you="" need="" to="" leave="" your="" tummy="" big="" while="" bending="" over="" allow="" pelvic="" organs="" flop="" forwards="" straighten="" up="" maintaining="" chest="" ie="" fold="" them="" back="" in="" place="" get="" the="" degree="" angle="" between="" vagina="" and="" uterus="" with="" bend="" at="" cervix.="">

Re swimming, I find the same thing. I think pelvic organs float! My vagina becomes quite cavernous when I am in the water because gravity is not pinning it closed. That's OK. Ever heard the saying, "Tighter than a fish's a***hole"? Yeah, well the cervix is pretty water tight too!