feeling scared and triggered. lump in rectum, PTSD

Submitted by Salt on September 27, 2011 - 8:54pm
Body: 

hi all,

for the last 5 days or so, having a bowel movement has been getting more and more difficult. I began to feel lumps when I put my finger inside my vagina to 'splint' - try to push feces.
at first I thought i must have a rectocele in addition to the cystocele and uterine prolapse.
today I finally got the nerve to check inside my rectum. there doesn't seem to be a rectocele (or, if so, it wasn't noticable - perhaps since there was not feces there at the time).
but there was a big bulge into the rectum. so this bulge is in between the vaginal wall and the rectal wall (sorry I don't know the official names).
it does not feel at all like the shape of the enterocele images I've seen online though that's probably the most positive thing it could be.
it sounds like enterocele doesn't tend to happen unless a woman had a hysterectomy anyway. I'm 35, no kids, still have all my organs.

both my grandmother and husband died of colorectal cancer so that is very much on my mind right now.
a lot of my discomfort and being unable to go to the washroom much has symptoms that I have not had with simple constipation in the past.
that could be due to recent prolapse. but i don't know.

my issue, and the reason i posted this on the 'emotional issues' forum, is that I have a history of traumatic abuse as a child and have PTSD about it.
the worst of the abuse involved stuff to do with the rectum so even talking about this is hugely triggering for me.
I can't imagine how triggering it would be to have a doctor examine me there with a finger let alone use a scope.
I am so scared. possibly more scared of the exam than of caner which I know is ridiculous but that's PTSD for you! not rational.

I am severely sensitive to chemicals to the point of disability so I also have a lot of fear about if they need me to take meds for anything - even pharmaceutical laxatives. I can't even take part of a children's Tylenol without getting very, very sick.
there are almost no drugs i tolerate.
few doctors are understanding about this. I don't even have my own doctor. I have to go to walkin clinics.
I think I am going to at least request that the walkin doctor does not do the exam. i'd rather someone who does that regularly so i will ask for a referral to a specialist.

does anyone know what type of specialist i should be asking for?

I know that no one but me can help me in this situation but it helps for me to have somewhere to share so thank you for 'listening' :)
Salt

Salt

September 27, 2011 - 9:03pm

I have just read that fibroids can press against the rectal wall so I'm holding that possibility in my mind now instead of cancer. it's helping calm the panic a bit. I hope my post didn't cause anyone else stress.

maria helena

September 28, 2011 - 4:12am

hi salt i am so sorry to hear what you are going through . Life can be so hard and unfair for some of us. I think there can be a few possibilties why you are feeling stuff there. An old boyfriend of mine when he was like 17 after a hard night drinking and spending along time on the toilet had basically his rectum hang out , quite a bit of it. It looked not very nice. but he actually pushed it back in and did not have a problem in the next 30 years about it. What I am saying is it might be all good . Please try to calm down and take a few deep breath , watch a funny movie to take your mind of it, might help. Horriblr, horrible what happened to you. I hope you met kind and loving people who supported you in the following years. I just want to put my arms around you and make it better. I hope it will all resolve into a bad memory and you will be all truely well. Sending you the best thoughts. Maria Helena

Salt

September 28, 2011 - 8:11am

thanks so much for your kind comment.
that is such a good idea about watching a funny movie. good to do distracting but enjoyable things to take my mind off this! I will do that.
and also breathing deeply and trying to calm myself.
I feel a bit better after a night of sleep.

I have had many supportive people in my life help me with healing from abuse stuff. My mother is such a wonderful person on my 'team' and I've gone to many loving counselors over the years so the abuse stuff usually isn't too big of an issue in my life except in situations like this - personal medical stuff.

I appreciate your virtual reaching out your arms and your good thoughts.
:-)
wishing you the best,
Salt

Tintagel

September 28, 2011 - 2:40pm

Hello Salt
This might be a silly idea, but is it possible that what you felt is a hemorrhoid? I should think there are many other possibilities other than cancer, but, speaking as terrible worrier, the only way to put your mind at rest is to get it checked out. Is there someone who can go with you for moral support when you see the doctor?
I'm so sorry for all the bad times you've been through, and I'm full of admiration for your bravery and strength. I do hope and pray you manage to get this sorted out quickly.
Big hug
Tintagel

Salt

September 28, 2011 - 5:11pm

hmm.. I hadn't even thought of that! I've never had one so I don't know what shape the internal ones are. I have a doctor's appt on Monday and my mom is going to go with me. I will ask him then if it could be that.
thank you so much for mentioning such a benign possibility! I am also a terrible worrier and for some reason tend to think of the worst possibilities first (even though they are the least likely).
Thank you for the hug and your warm words of encouragement :-)
(hug back)
Salt

louiseds

September 28, 2011 - 7:39pm

Salt, have a think about dealing with this fear that has unexpectedly crept up behind you, before you go to the doctor. Preparation is an important part of any challenge that is coming up for any of us.

Dealing with the fear is the hard bit. The examination will then be a cake walk.

L

maria helena

September 29, 2011 - 2:42am

i hope you are feeling a bit better today and that you had a ok sleep. I am thinking of you . The haemroid sounds like a good option. imagine what a welcome present a haemriod would be as an outcome what a good thought. of tingleltangle i hope you will be able to make yourself a nice weekend with some nice food which is bowel movement enhancing and settling down with a lovely glass of....prune juice and a few funny movies and your lovely mum with you. Maria Helena

Salt

September 30, 2011 - 4:21pm

thank you both for your replies.
You're right Louise - the fear is the hard part to deal with!
Maria Helena, your words helped me get in touch with being excited to go for a visit with my lovely mom! thank you :)

I have an appointment with my mom's gynecologist on Monday afternoon and wanted to know if any of you think there are certain tests I should ask for?

I want to make sure I don't have fibroids or adenomyosis. I don't know if there's anything else I should be ruling out that could have contributed to the prolapses (for those not familiar, I am 35 and have never had kids but have prolapse of at least the uterus and bladder that happened pretty suddenly).

I am so glad to have found Whole Woman before going because now, if they suggest surgery or Kegels, I will know better :)

thank you all for your support. it has helped me a lot to know I'm not alone.

louiseds

September 30, 2011 - 10:14pm

Hi Salt

I don't think you need to do anything special before you go to the doctor, other than to calm yourself, and make yourself ready to listen to what the the gyn has to say. Doctors are pretty good at diagnosing. They have all the training and tests at their disposal. You know what you know about your body. The doctor may be able to help you fill in some more pieces of the puzzle and explain the symptoms and sensations you are having.

S/he may give you a diagnosis on the spot, which may or may not be the full story. S/he may want to see you again after you have had some tests and images done. She may also try to sign you up for surgery and make a hospital booking. This scares the living daylights out of me. There is no need to make a booking on the spot. You can go home and think about it, and speak to other family members, and ring them later for a date if that is what you need to do. Or not. ;-)

Hopefully it won't come to that. Even if it does you do not need to say yes to anything on the spot, no matter how scary. You can *always* think about it for 24 hours.

Just slow it down to a pace that is OK with you. It is your body.

After this first consultation you will have lots of research to do so that you will be able to understand the results of the tests. Then you can formulate questions to ask.

One thing you could do is take along someone trusted into the consultation, just to hold your hand and hear with you what the doctor says. I know that I often get all muddle-headed and stressed in the middle of a doctor's visit, and sometimes I cannot recall afterwards what the doctor said. Having another person with you who is familiar with what is happening in your body will give you a reality check and clear up any ambiguities and help you to work out exactly what the doctor did say.

Louise

Salt

October 1, 2011 - 10:54am

hi Louise,

thank you for your calm, helpful reply.
My mother will be coming to the appointment with me because I have the same thing happen as you - I get muddle-headed, stressed and then can't recall much of what was said later :)

I hadn't realised doctors may pressure people to make surgery bookings on the spot! that seems scary.

Re: surgery
In this situation, I'm oddly 'lucky' because my severe reactions to chemicals, including pharmaceutical drugs, means that surgery isn't an option unless I have a condition so life-threatening that it's worth taking the risk of reacting to the anesthetic. The positive to this is that there's no way a doctor can pressure me into surgery.

thank you very much for being a voice of reason and reminding me that I don't need to figure it all out - that's what the doctor is for!
My mom is familiar with this gyno and he sounds very approachable and like he respects a woman knowing her own body. So I'm glad about that.

I will post an update this coming week

Daphne

October 1, 2011 - 1:14pm

Hi Salt,
I didn't realize you were so young and had experienced so much trauma in your life.
I have had a Colonoscopy and these days they put you under before doing it, at least they did me. I didn't have any particular reason to have one, just that I had heard it was a good idea. I am thinking it was about ten years ago now, or may be more. If they find any Polyps they deal with them then, if they can. I didn't have any examinations before the procedure, I just asked to be given the procedure. I don't think you will find it as scary as you think it will be. Just make sure you tell them of your sensitivities.
I hope you can find the courage to have this done, I am sure it will put your mind at rest, not knowing is always the worst. The Dr. that did mine was a surgeon who seemed to do different sorts of surgery as I know one of the nurses in the Mammogram dept had him do a Lumpectomy on her.
Bless you, Daphne X

Salt

October 1, 2011 - 7:27pm

hi Daphne,

good to know about your positive colonoscopy experience. I have known people who the drugs did not work all the way for who had a very bad experience and I've been nervous because I can't take very many drugs so didn't know if I'd be able to have enough to have me 'out' for it (which would definitely be so much better than being conscious as far as PTSD triggers go). Also very nervous about how I may react to the preservatives etc in the laxatives they make you use before the procedure itself.
I think Louise is so right - that all of my fear ahead of time is likely far worse than the actual procedure would be!

Thank you for hoping for courage for me. You're right - I would for sure have my mind at rest if I got it done. Even before the prolapse I've had chronic intestinal problems for a few years and it would put my mind at ease to know nothing serious is going on.

many blessings back to you :)
you're support means a lot to me!
take care,
Salt

Tintagel

October 3, 2011 - 1:24pm

Hello Salt
I do hope your appointment went well today, have been thinking of you.
Tintagel

maria helena

October 6, 2011 - 4:56am

Hi salt I am thinking of you and wondering how you coped over the weekend and how it all went, All the best. Maria Helena

Salt

October 6, 2011 - 9:25am

thank you both for thinking of me :)

the gyno i saw on monday and the ultrasound tech on tuesday were both incredibly nice, gentle, kind and caring and it was good experiences.
the gynecologisy confirmed that i have a mild bladder prolapse.
he was very hesitant to use the word 'prolapse' for what's going on with my uterus. he said that in 40 years of practice he's never seen a young, childless woman have a prolapse.
he said that I have some 'descent of the cervix'. enough to be abnormal.
my understanding is that is the definition of a mild prolapse?
he saw it at a better time of the month when it's higher up and I did explain to him that for about 2 weeks of the month it's very far down - enough that it's hard to fit a small tampon in.

it seems the lump in rectum can be the uterus pressing into it and that can make bowel movements difficult.

he told me a few things I thought others here may find interesting.

1. re uterine prolapse being worse before and during period: he said that as the uterine lining thickens, the uterus naturally becomes heavier with blood. and so if there is a tendency to prolapse, then it will be worse the heavier the uterus is and will get better the lighter the uterus is.

2. refreshingly, he said that surgery would be a terribly idea for me.
I think he was referring to the mesh surgery when he said that if women who have never had children have that surgery, they will probably never be able to have sex again. the reason he gave was that the vagina is made larger by childbirth so even after the surgery, there is still room for a penis. but if the vagina is still smaller and the surgery is done, in his words, "The woman will likely not be able to accommodate her partner"

I suspect the number of childless, young women who undergo that surgery is low so I don't know if this info is already known here at wholewoman or not.

He didn't once suggest Kegels or physiotherapy and he said that a pessary would be a waste of my money as it wouldn't be helpful for the level of prolapse I have (and he said he doesn't really like to use pessaries with non-sedentary women anyway).

So he was good in the sense of not suggesting things wholewaoman way says don't work.
But he didn't have any suggestions for what I *could* do.
Basically his advice was: go ahead and be sexually active. Don't worry about that. If a tampon doesn't fit, feel free to push the cervix up to make it fit. Yes it may get worse over time. But it may not.

I don't really mind his lack of helpful advice because the main reason I went was to get a pelvic ultrasound to make sure I don't have some other condition that is causing the prolapses. And he ordered that for me - I got one the very next day :)

i should find out results of ultrasound some time between now and next tuesday. i am feeling pretty calm which is nice.
i have a feeling the ultrasound had something on it due to what i could see, the number of big black spots the tech was highlighting and the questions she was asking me
i have been thinking that my body needed to alert me to what was going on - maybe fibroids? and that that is part of the purpose the prolapse served - to get me off my butt to actually get testing.
there are many other purposes it serves too and it's very likely i will look back one day and see it as a very positive thing.
I already feel very positive about the posture.

okay, i'll stop rambling now :)
thank you all for your support