feeling better...

Submitted by ikam on November 29, 2011 - 8:03am
Body: 

Today, I would like to share that I have been feeling better since last Thursday. I took couple of days off work, rested a lot (which I needed so much!)...
I have had no pain, which feels so good :) :) :)...I used to be in pain every day...I still have some pressure or burning feeling in my vagina, I aslo get some pressure feeling in my rectum...but I try to ignore it. I try to trust that my body will eliminate the waste...
I am generally more mindful of my body...

I took a lot of suggestions seriously...

- I have been doing daily workout every morning...
- I have been doing some simple exercices between sessions with my clients...
- I have been more mindful how I sit...
- I have been trying to stay in the posture and I don't have any pain associated with it anymore...
- I am trying to figure out "firebreathing" and it feels so complex to me- for example when I think about lifting my tail up I get lost in my breathing (tummy up or down?; I know it when I read instruction. I get lost when I try to do it!)...

- I stopped supositiories around 10 days ago, and I stopped using hemorhoid's creams...
- I don't take estriol globules anymore...found some other ways. I am also waiting for my Red clover (at present in a form of tablets, until I will find any "proper herb" in the UK)...

I feel much more in control...

I will be having a visit to the gyno, but I really don't know if I need it (my old self would put a lot of hope into it and follow all the instructions given...not anymore...), and a visit to PT...

So far, so good...maybe (hopefully) my rectocele was not as bad as my imagination was creating it?

Thank you to everybody. It has been very helpful to read the answers to my questions and also go through any old posts...

With warm wishes,
Ivonush (much happier today)

Christine

November 29, 2011 - 8:41am

We love to hear women getting a grip! ;)

ikam

November 29, 2011 - 8:48am

Thank you Christine :)
Yes, it feels like it: getting a grip=more in control=happier=less pain, etc.

I am also thinking about other aspects of my life, in which I have felt out of control...

But the main task for now is... ... ... to master firebreathing...this is a real challenge for me...I even took the instruction to my therapy session (my therapist is a body psychotherapist), as I needed somebody to give me a feedback...but I still feel lost in what happens when...
As Louise said I am learning how to connect with my body, so I will master this one hopefully...

louiseds

November 30, 2011 - 8:17am

Fear of yourself (or your body) would be a very worrying thing, because you can never escape yourself (or your body). If you feel disconnected from it, it would feel even worse, kind of like the unknown monster under the bed (which actually turns out to only be made of fluff).

Keep going. :-) Things will get 'less worse' all the time. Just be aware that you will probably have temporary setbacks occasionally, for no apparent reason. This may shake you, but you will recover your confidence in your course of action. The more times you recover from them, the more you will begin to trust your body to be the good friend it is, having carried you this far, despite difficulties.

Louise

ikam

November 30, 2011 - 8:58am

Thank you Louise. I am learning to connect with my body!

I spoke in my therapy about this. My therapist is very pleased with my progress. As I said he is a body psychotherapist.
I read Christine's article: "Psoas, Instinctive Responses & The Healthy Pelvis" in The WW Village post and I have found it very intersting. I have been thinking about the link between childhood trauma (constant fight/flight response) and POP.

I have had a long therapy for PTSD related to my childhood. My therapist said that he is not surprised that something "collapsed", as my body was tense for many, many years...
He said that the body is the last that heals from trauma...

Yes, i am aware I will have setbacks, especially when I am tired...but as you said the more I learn that I can recover the more I will trust my body...
Thank you...
Ivonush

ikam

December 9, 2011 - 3:22am

Sorry, I had to type under this subject, as I am "not allowed to create any other topic".

I am losing hope. It all started from some strange tingling sensation in my back, so I decreased time spend on exercises and stopped working so hard on body posture…

What I experience now, is a type of burning feeling in my vagina…also I have had more problems with evacuating my bowels…Not so much pain, as I used to have…
I am in a second half of my cycle (providing that it is a normal cycle)…Somebody said (I cannot find this topic) that POP gets worse in the second half (?)…

I am generally very tired, and fed up with my life at present. My contract is finishing in the end of January, I have nothing afterwards, of course, I am worried about my financial situation. But I am also impatient with my present situation, I have been working in a different place (just renting a room) sine February…Spending only weekends at home and I am tired of this…My life has been very unstable since at least 3 years…It is much harder to look after other matters…simple things get bigger, as for example cooking…I loved cooking when at home…And I miss my home so much! 
All this contributes to my health…

I will be having PT assessment on 22nd December (my previous was cancelled)…

At present, I feel like giving up on everything…

Surviving60

December 9, 2011 - 6:21am

Ivonush - the new forum still has problems, and hopefully we will be able to post new topics soon. I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going so well. You have a lot of stress in your life and you have been trying to fix a lot of things at once that go back a very long way. You've already seen that good days can follow bad ones just as readily as the other way around. I know that you feel like you've been working on this problem (prolapse) for a very long time, but in fact, you've only just begun. It's a constant process and it isn't always easy to tell which things are helping and which things aren't. Stress makes it much more difficult. I thought I had finally made WW posture a habit. But for the last couple of days I've had some major family stress in my life; and I can't tell you how many times I caught myself with my belly muscles all tight and me not even remotely in posture. You have a long way to go in dealing with not only prolapse but all your other issues. Pace yourself and don't let the daily variations get you all discouraged. - Surviving

ikam

December 10, 2011 - 3:36am

Your words are so comforting, thank you. I tend to forget that stress has impact on my body. I easily explain this to others...I have been running on empty for some time now. And I think what I do is a "soldier body posture" (!)- I am just ready for the next order...And of course I keep my muscles tense, without knowing it...My stress has been ongoing since I left job due to the bullying and harassment in 2010...prior th leaving I was exposed to some very difficult situations and I think I still have not recovered from them...Since leaving the job, I have had many short term contracts, never settled...I don't know what will happen from February...
Because of my present job contract I decided to rent a room and I feel so often just so far away from my home. I go there every weekend, but it is more and more difficult to get back...

So, it looks I am a soldier, aren't I???
and this is just an opposite to a graceful whole woman body posture!

I am aware that it is only the beginning of my journey with the prolapse. Sometimes when the pain kicks in it is difficult to think that it is "just a prolapse"...I think maybe there is something "major"...
I don't know, I feel very lost today, I don't know why I am back with symptoms, I was doing so well, I felt in control and I was happy...
I guess, some of it maybe hormonal, as I have been also so irritable and easily crying...but I know so little about my cycle at present...
What is this strange burning feeling in my vagina? And I feel it deep inside, also in the rectum. It is not pain, it is almost electric feeling...
I thought I may have had a trush, I applied some over-the-counter treatment, nothing has changed...
Also, has anybody experienced any tinggling sensation after changing to a different body posture? Will it go away? It has been like this for about two weeks. That is why I have stopped trying so hard with the posture (maybe I tried to hard?)...
Ivonush :(

ikam

December 10, 2011 - 3:39am

I am trying to get back on track, but I lost my hope. I still experience this burning inside my vagina and anus...and this makes me feeling low...
It has been a major set back, and I don't know how to regain hope...I would, if not pain/burning...
I don't know what to do anymore...
Ivonush

cleo

December 10, 2011 - 2:23pm

Hi Ivonush,I was feeling a bit miserable today as i had some pain and i was finding it hard to move at times with my prolapse but i kept on moving and i feel a bit better now.I had a nice shower and felt better but i know the heavy feeling is hard to put up with sometimes so persevere and stand up straight even if it hurts a bit.It will pass in time and if it doesn't visit your doctor as they might be able to help.Usually all doctors want to do is operate though so listen to Wholewoman comments.I wish you well.

ikam

December 10, 2011 - 2:52pm

Cleo, I don't trust doctors anymore (!!!). But I have an appointment scheduled with PT for 22nd December. I am really looking forward to this, I will take Christine's book and I will discuss exercices with her. Maybe I just need some correction? I maybe be overdoing them...

It has been a difficult time since Monday, it was building gradually. Eventually, I took a suppository (again!) on Friday morning and I think it contributed to the burning sensation. I have been much better today, resting a lot. But it has been an active resting, went for a walk alongside a canal, then did some exercices from Prolapse Aid, and then when I felt lots of pressure in my rectal/vaginal area I did Yoga first wheel, and it helped...
I finalised my work on my web-page (hurrah!)- at last! I watched some TV, cooked chicken soup today- my first chicken soup since April! I ate chicken, with cooked veg, even with leek + I ate this with barley this time. Hopefully, I will not respond badly, so I will be able to add some soups to my diet. I love soups.
I also bought some steak and I am going to try it tomorrow...slowly I am beginning to eat more normally. I used to cook very healthy, ate lots of cooked veg...but it all changed in April. I think my body just "stopped working" normally after a very long stress...
I have felt very miserable, sorry for myself, crying a lot. I am on 25th day of my cycle, but I am menopausal, so I don't really know if this is normal cycle or not. I guess, it is, as I am very PMSy (crying, irritation, very low mood)...Or maybe I am like this because I started taking Red Clover?
I am in need for a break, but still have to carry on until 21st December with work...Tomorrow I will have to leave my home, I hate this moment! I also feel out of control in my rented accommodation (e.g. I cannot switch heating on when I feel cold). As I am in the end of my resources I tend to respond twice as much to small things, and I don't know how to stop this...

I still feel a bit of burning in my vagina, I really don't know if this is deep in the vagina or rectum (?)...

Today I thought it is "unfair" that I have to deal with prolapse...I had a quite difficult life...I want to enjoy it...but...

Thank you Cleo,
Ivonush

louiseds

December 10, 2011 - 9:58pm

Our bodies have minds of their own, especially in the second half of the menstrual cycle, and especially during perimenopause. Things will probably feel better after your period. Count the sleeps, and nurture yourself until then, and keep doing what is right for your body. It will respond when it can.

I used to find during perimenopause that diarying my moods and some symptoms roughly with little symbols in my year planner gave me a picture of what was happening in relation to my menstrual cycle. Once I saw the trends I could accept that things would happen, and that they would pass ... and they did. Counting sleeps helped too.

A pragmatic caution. During perimenopause I did find that there were times when I was obviously in the second half of my cycle, and my body was 'trying to menstruate' for weeks, making me feel pre-menstrual for long stretches of time. Once I knew what it was, it was easier to ride it out. After my final period I still got the ups and downs over a year or so, but then came the calm, which was wonderful after the storm. Now I cannot help thinking that the reproductive time of our lives is the abherration, and childhood and cronehood are the norm.

I still get some menopause symptoms but that is all they are. There is no no threat of a really heavy bleed or hormone-related serious mood swings (except yesterday!). It will come.

Louise

L

ikam

December 11, 2011 - 5:39am

I thought it has been related to a type pmsy feelings...My cycles are rather irregular and I hate this prolonged time of waiting for my body to decide that it is time for a period. I feel usually much better just before and after getting it...

I do keep a diary, I still check my body temperature as it used to guide me with the ovulation, and now I still get some information from it...I am so used doing this...I write down lots of things there...e.g. medication, exercices, etc.
This diary helps me to know what and why and when...I feel a bit more in control as well...

I try to look after myself the best I can. Today, it is time for a steak! I ate chicken soup yesterday and my body "accepted" it! It is so good to be able to eat normally again...
I also try to sleep as much as possible. Always sleep better at my home. When I am in my rented accommodation I tend to wake up often, feel a bit in "fight/flight" state of mind...and I have to be in order to get ready...today I have to get train (more than 2 hours, three trains...)...I don't like this moment...

So, I guess it would be a bit easier to deal with the menopause if my life was settled...

I am better today, no crying, more anger, irritation...just hope my period will arrive on time...
Ivonush

What do you mean by counting sleeps? Is this an idiom?

ikam

December 12, 2011 - 6:40am

I am having a major set back, I used a liquid glycerine suppository today. I was not constipated, but had this type of stool which is kind of very sticky, just stays there. My stool oscilates during the day...lose in the morning, then sticky, then hard...There seem to be two different types of this building up, one is in the bulge and another quite high. When it builds high up I get pain in my coccyx. So, I used a supopository and I feel bad about this...

I am genereally in the end of my limits...very stressed out, did not go to work today, just was unable, but I have to go tomorrow...

I will do some yoga now...
Ivonush

louiseds

December 12, 2011 - 5:35pm

Hi Ivonush

You can get through this. It will not kill you. There will be an end to it. Have faith in your body. We all get temporary setbacks, which we recover from. You will recover too. Every time we recover it teaches us more about what the body is capable of. Have faith in your body.

Louise

ikam

December 13, 2011 - 12:52am

Thanks, I need to treat it as a TEMPORARY set back...I will have few days around Xmas off, looking forward to this...
Ivonush

ikam

December 16, 2011 - 1:16am

Just an update: things are settining down. I got my period today (hurrah!), feel like a new person...
I want to say thank you to everybody for being so patient to me. I know I was complaining a lot...
I have still not accpted this problem...just learning how to live my life with it and I am finding it very difficult in times of pain...I don't understand it...
I keep on doing exercices. I will have PT assessment soon...I keep with the diet, unfortunatelly cannot cut stress down (and this is the major factor)...

THANK YOU...
Ivonush

Surviving60

December 16, 2011 - 6:59am

Hi Ivonush - Good luck with your PT visit next week. I know you have high hopes for it. Are you expecting something more/better than the usual Kegel-type advice?

ikam

December 16, 2011 - 7:40am

I am going privatelly, as when I asked my GP she wanted to send me to PT who specialises in urinary incontinence (she said: they may help you with your problem as well...). I have found a person who is trained in pelvic floor problems (http://www.simplywomenshealth.co.uk/). But, since coming here I will be more able to talk to her...
I also hope that she will be more able to assess my problem (better than gynecologists)...I still have many unaswered questions. Such as recently I have had some problems with being unable to urinate...I think that my muscles are very tight, despite of exercices...but I am also in constant fight/flight (not knowing what my future holds in terms of work- I may be with no work in February)...
Ivonush

ikam

December 16, 2011 - 8:35am

Terp,
thank you. I hope one day I will talk the way you do, and other women who have gone through similar recovery journey. I am just a beginner trying to figure out this puzzle, trying to trust others, but still very anxious about any symptom, pain, things that have changed...There are times I feel I will manage no more...there are times I cry for help here...there are times I cry in silence...there are times when I regain my hope...I know around two weeks ago I felt much better...

I think through this condintion everything has been challenged in me. My family rules and beliefs, me being usually pessimistic, my tendency to look for quick-fixes etc.
There seems to be no pattern, at least I have not figured it yet...I know I am exhausted and my body mirrors the way I feel...but I cannot afford any time off work, cannot stop working...I will have 10 days off around Xmas...
Ivonush

Christine

December 16, 2011 - 12:58pm

As the subject of physical therapy comes up again, it is useful to remember the Whole Woman paradigm.

We have radically shifted the way female anatomy is conceptualized: the organs are supported by the pubic bones and front abdominal wall; the pelvic floor is really a wall at the back of the body whose primary function is maintaining intraabdominal pressure. It does this by maximally stretching front to back and side to side so it can rebound internal pressures like a trampoline. The thin, fascia-rich and highly adapted wall-with-apertures is strengthened and stretched throughout the day while standing, sitting and moving in natural female posture.

This posture is dependent upon a soft lower belly into which the pelvic organs are moved by the force of our breath. Pulling the navel up and in, as taught in traditional physical yoga, negates what the body is trying to do with every breath we take.

If a PT is not teaching that your organs are normally positioned at the front of your body by the forces of your breath, and ways to intensify these natural dynamics, the true cause of prolapse is not being addressed.

Terpsichore, you sound very invested in your decades of yoga practice and the positive relationship you have/had with your PT. Yet, the contradiction remains of you having your “life back” and the problems with elimination that you continue to struggle with.

Ivonush, I can only hope that your anxiety and confusion will begin to subside as you become more aware of your true anatomy and work continually (breath-by-breath) with the dynamics of your true pelvic organ support system.

Christine

alemama

December 16, 2011 - 8:23pm

You can cut stress down. Really! There is so much you can do. I think you probably already know this :)
Yoga! yoga has proven to reduce stress. Simply taking deep breaths. Making a gratefulness journal, smiling, listening to music, taking a warm bath, petting a cat or dog, getting enough outside time in the sunshine, drinking calming teas, doing progressive relaxation, taking a walk, surrounding your self with peaceful surroundings, aromatherapy , taking up a hobby that you love....and on and on it goes.
You may not be able to change the situation you are in (I even think that's a false statement- maybe better to say: you may not choose to change the situation you are in) but you can certainly change your reaction to it.
Glad you started your period. Next month instead of wondering what the heck is going on when you start feeling bad, you'll know it's just your period on the way!
Hopefully the PT can help you get your pain sorted. Trigger point therapy is something to ask about-

ikam

December 17, 2011 - 10:55am

Christine,
this is the reason why I did not go to the NHS PT!
I don't know what approach will be used by the PT, who was recommended to me. I only know that she specialises in the area. At present I will be only able to attend an assessement. I practically self-diagnosed myself and I need somebody to confirm my hypothesis...
Unfortunately, at present I struggle with some additional symptoms. I have had a strange problem with peeing, sometimes I feel urine there, but it seems I lost an impulse to urinate, and then it comes in this "tiny" stream...I also keep having some tinggling/tickling sensation below my left shoulder- it comes and goes...
It may be all related to me being exhausted and tenssion...
Also, I think that maybe I have some problem related to a pudenal nerve. I read some info and lots of my symptoms overlap with it (http://www.pudendal.info/)...Hopefully, PT will be able to answer this question...
I want to get it right, but I am still very much up and down, depending on my symptoms and tiredness...still confused unfortunately...and still unsure that it will get better...
Ivonush

ikam

December 17, 2011 - 11:01am

Alemama, I need to change my response to the situation I am in- and I have been working on it...I am trying to be as positive as I can...Hopefully, after Xmas break I will be more rested...at present I am just so exhausted...I work in a different town- just rent a room there as it is only temporary contract. I feel much better at my home, but every Sunday evening I need to get back...:( It was easier in the beginning of contract...
I feel more relaxed at home, but usually after all week of work, I come home and practically crash...then I have to mobilise myself again...it has been a long "fight/flight" situation...
Hopefuly, I have some plans, it will change in February...but I need to "survive" until then...I have started doing Yoga, and First Aid for Prolapse workout...maybe I am not doing it right, or this is just normal response- I have this strange tingling/tickling on my back, just left side...
At home I try to do as much as possible to relax. I also sleep better here...

I will ask PT about a trigger point therapy...unfortunately, I will not be able to afford more than assessment at present...

When I got my period, I started feeling emotionally better, but I got some additional symptom- difficulty urinating...I hope this one will also pass...
Ivonush

ikam

December 21, 2011 - 4:26am

I will be having my appointment tomorrow with PT, and I am worried. As I said, I have an additional symptom, problem with urinating (not all the time)...I worry that she may tell me that my condition is worse than I think...
Ivonush

ikam

December 22, 2011 - 1:39am

Terpsichore, I would not go to "any PT" (as my GP suggested PT who specialises in urinary incontinence), but I have chosen one who- I hope- can help me. For me, it is important that somebody will confirm my self-diagnosis. I just hope it is nothing worse than I think...
You did not mislead me...
Ivonush

ikam

December 22, 2011 - 10:26am

Everything went well, she assessed me also internally...confirmed a small rectocele and also muscles being very, very tight (which I suspected myself).She suggested similar exercices...
So I am back on track...
I will have 12 days off work. Had no pain today, just relaxing...
Ivonush

Christine

December 22, 2011 - 1:31pm

Hi Terp and All,

Well, first of all, the posture taught by all PTs following protocols established by the American Physical Therapy Association is one promoting the "neutral pelvis". This is not WW posture at all and will not fully actualize female pelvic organ support.

PT has been informed by gynecology and does not recognize or promote true female pelvic anatomy. This is a problem! From my perspective, rolling around on a ball to strengthen pelvic "floor" muscles is completely missing the point and may in fact aggravate prolapse symptoms because it is difficult to maintain lumbar curvature during such activity. I will re-state my objection to PT: unless they are teaching women that the organs are supported by the pubic bones and lower abdominal wall, they are not helping women understand or improve their conditions. The argument that we are all different is purely medical and more false than true. The map of the pelvis inside and out is more alike than different from woman to woman.

I will just add that unless we email and become friends with other members, we never really know who is posting on these forums. People may have their own professional agendas or interest in promoting one thing or another. I have no objection to the promotion of anything non-commercial, but you can be sure we will have a rebuttal when talking about conventional views of anatomy, etc.

Christine

ikam

January 1, 2012 - 5:32am

As I said, my problem relates mostly to my muscles being very tight. The PT suggested mostly pelvic drop exercises.
What would be the best exercise to help my muscles to relax?
I have been doing regularly First Wheel Yoga and I like it.

I have been much better when on holidays. Resting a lot. But I will be back at work on Tuesday. Bit worried that I may get worse, because of sitting a lot, but also because of being in "a soldier mode" again (I tend to tense my buttock muscles)...
Ivonush

Surviving60

January 1, 2012 - 6:30am

HI Ivonush, what is a "pelvic drop" exercise?

ikam

January 1, 2012 - 7:36am

Exercise

Lie on your back with your knees bent up. (You can also do this exercise lying on your side)

Identify where your deep pelvic floor muscles are by trying to stop yourself from passing wind.

Now release the pelvic floor - DROP your back passage by trying to imagine you are opening the back passage. This is a release backwards towards the base of your spine.

Practice this dropping technique for 2 to 3 minutes.

Surviving60

January 1, 2012 - 8:12am

Tightening the muscles of the pelvic "floor" - just sounds like Kegels to me (no thanks).

ikam

January 1, 2012 - 8:35am

I don't really know what it is, that is why I am asking. It is all so new for me...I thought it was more to do with loosening the muscles...
I know that my muscles are already very tight...

Surviving60

January 1, 2012 - 10:58am

Hi Ivonush - Between this forum, the website, and Christine's book, there is a wealth of information on why this type of PT approach does not address the causes of prolapse. That being said, everyone needs to do what feels right to them. But I'm pretty sure you know by now what the WW response to this would be.

ikam

January 1, 2012 - 11:25am

I understand that Kegels relate to contracting muscles, but here I was told to relax muscles...so I thought it is not Kegel exercise...
I really don't know. So far I have been doing Christine's Yoga exercises, I am also mindful about my posture.
I wonder what will actually happen when I will be back at work. I have not had pain for almost two weeks! I still have problems with full evacuation, but managing much better (no straining at last!). I am worried that back to work equals back to feeling stressed, which for me means being quite tense emotionally and of course on a body level. I also get rather impatient, so I strain more...and so on, so on...
I will try to be mindful...
I have just 5 weeks more of my contract, nothing from February as yet...
Ivonush

granolamom

January 1, 2012 - 3:16pm

hi ivanush
I havent had time to read up on all of your posts so please forgive me if I am redundant.
the pelvic drop exercises you describe remind me of the pelvic floor exercises prescribed to me by my ob while I was pg with my first baby. after contracting the pelvic 'floor' I was told to release and drop as you describe. the purpose, as was explained to me back then, was to prevent me from contracting those muscles during a contraction and making labor more difficult. does it work? I doubt it, who can do one of those pelvic drops as she is birthing a baby?
does it work for prolapse? I'm doubtful. you say your PT says you have tight muscles. maybe yes, maybe no. sounds to me that your tightness is likely stress related, in which case it is likely that any release type of exercise might be helpful. personally, I would not do those drop exercises, I dont like to mess with my pelvic 'floor' other than in whole woman posture (normal daily activities aside). you could probably benefit from standing in wholewoman posture and doing a similar 'drop' of your shoulder girdle. that would probably relax your pelvic musculature as well. throw some deep breathing in and you've got a winner of an exercise. in my opinion, anyway.
and I suggest you to replace 'soldier mode' with 'goddess mode'. it may just help you change your posture : )

louiseds

January 1, 2012 - 6:09pm

Hi Surviving 60

I agree with your first sentence, but Ivonush is trying to do something about tight pelvic floor muscles with these exercises. As I understand it these exercises aren't about specifically about finding the cause of Ivonush's prolapse. Perhaps they will help?

Ivonush, in using a physiotherapist I think you need to follow through on her advice and do these exercises as prescribed along with anything else she suggested. You won't know until you try.

Granolamom's idea of doing these releases on other parts of your body, particularly your shoulders would be beneficial prolapse wise. And goddess beats soldier every time. ;-)

Louise

ikam

January 2, 2012 - 4:07am

Yes, I am trying to figure out what is the best for me, but I don't want to make any mistakes. Some time ago it was suggested to me to do Kegels and I got so much worse!
I need to get some balance...
The exercises suggested by PT don't feel like Kegels...still, I am finding it difficult to relax my muscles. I have been so tight for many, many years (fight/flight response), so it will take time...
Maybe (hopefully) one day I will be in a goddess mode :) I wish...

Granolamom, what the PT diagnosed I have also felt myself- the contraction of the muscles, sometimes it feels like having a clenched fist inside...The pain I get relates to the tight muscles...
I was really happy when she said that my rectocele is small, I needed somebody to confirm it. She assessed me also internally.

When I have been on holidays I have felt much better, but I need to start organising myself for tomorrow, which will start from tonight's train journey (I am really dreading it, as usually this used to be an onset of the pain...).
It has been so pleasant to feel no pain...
Thank you,
Ivonush

louiseds

January 2, 2012 - 4:49am

Hi Ivonush

In your first line you say, "I don't want to make any mistakes". There is nothing wrong with making mistakes in this business. 'Suck it and see' is very much a part of the Wholewoman way. Our bodies and our neuroses are all so unique. The only bad mistakes are the ones we learn nothing from, and your Kegels experience sounds like you certainly did learn something from!

Being scared of making mistakes is probably much worse than making mistakes, getting over them, and forgiving yourself for making the mistake in the first place. Fear of doing something wrong will paralyse you and stop you from trying new things, really trying them properly. It will trap you where you are and tell you that "I cannot". It is up to you to fix this body of yours. The sooner you make all your mistakes and learn from them, the sooner you will be in Goddess land.

"Maybe (hopefully) I will be in Goddess mode. I wish." If you just do Granolamom's shoulder drop a few times when you are walking along, lift your chest, and 'be' in Goddess mode, looking down graciously and benevolently on your worshippers, then you *are* in Goddess mode, (even if you are just pretending). Fantasy can become reality! You can kid yourself that you can be in Goddess mode in the same way that you kid yourself that you are in Soldier mode. Are you a soldier? No! Then stop pretending you are and just be ... um ... a Goddess.

Now this dreaded train trip! I want you to find something that you really like and ration yourself to only doing it during or immediately after your train trip. Do you like wearing sexy undies (Goddess undies?). Do you like wearing a favourite top, or a favourite pair of shoes or a favourite piece of jewellery ? Do you like listening to particular music? Do you have some books you have been putting off reading because you don't think you will ever get around to reading? Do you have letters to write to an old friend?

Well, here's your chance. Pick some things and only do them during your trip, not at other times. You need something to make your three hour train trip something to look forward to, instead of an opportunity to just think "poor old me, who cannot be a Goddess" . Use them as a reward for enduring the trip. Use the train time as a treat. I am sure you will look forward to them, and the train trip will fly. You might even start your working week feeling better about yourself, Goddess-in-training!

Now, quit trying to figure it out, and just do it.

Oh yeah! Happy New Year.

Louise

ikam

January 2, 2012 - 10:17am

I am learning the Goddess mode, as you said before I am learning to connect with my body, and generally with myself...Pretending is a great idea! Thanks...
I also need to stop being in "a victim mode" (something acquired from my mother...)...

I must be doing something right (I am!), as I have been feeling better :)

The train journey is a first step to being away from home...
The train journey towards home is much, much nicer...4 night and I will be back home :)...
4 or 5 weeks and I will be back for good- unfortunately still don't have next job...but I have some ideas...
Ivonush

louiseds

January 2, 2012 - 7:18pm

:-)

ikam

January 3, 2012 - 6:38am

Thanks Louise :)

The train was not easy again- the pain was back. I think, the solder mode is so automatic for me...what I can do at present is just a type of awareness, hopefully this will improve with time...it will take time for me to re-define myself. It is easier on an intellectual level. What is usually conditioned on a body level takes longer to change...
Unfortunately, when I am back at work, the soldier has taken over...but at least I am aware of this and I think awareness is a first step to change and I WANT TO CHANGE...if I don't work it out at present I will get worse...

I have started reading a very interesting book- "The breathing book. Good health and vitality though essential breath work" by D. Farhi...it has lots of pictures!
Ivonush

ikam

January 12, 2012 - 11:52am

It just happened automaticaly- I am back in a fight and flight, a solder position. I realised today that my rectocele (which is small) acts out when my muscles get tight, I think they restrict BM and then stool gets trapped...
I have no idea how to stop tensing my muscles when in a more stressful situation (ending this contract, not knowing much about the future, moving back to my place not sure if I will have enough money to pay bills, etc.)...
The soldier is back...I don't like it, but I don't know how to prevent it...

I still do Yoga first wheel, I have found it very helpful...but my muscles stay tense...I guess, it will take time, but I am impatient again...
I want to "be fixed" completely at once! (and I know it is not possible...)...
Ivonush

alemama

January 12, 2012 - 7:48pm

I want to "be fixed" completely at once! (and I know it is not possible...)...
Ivonush

have you heard of the laws of attraction?
perhaps if you begin to imagine that it is possible, it will become possible.

ikam

January 13, 2012 - 1:05am

Alemama, I get up and down, sometimes so hopeful, sometimes completely hopeless...when hopeless I stop believing that it is possible...
I have had a bit of a set back recently...
Ivonush