The Stages of Grief

Submitted by sadrunnergirl on November 29, 2011 - 10:41pm
Body: 

Hi Everyone,

First of all, I must say that I am so very thankful for this website. It reminds me that I am not alone :)

I also feel that it will help me tremendously to share my story. The topic of prolapse seems taboo - in fact, I do not recall coming across this topic in any of the pregnancy books I own, not did my doc every say anything to me. I wish I had been more informed...

I recently gave birth (10 weeks ago) to the most beautiful baby girl!! I love her to pieces. My pregnancy was a dream (no morning sickness and I remained very active throughout - even walking 2 hours on rough terrain the day before going into labour - that was my way of trying to speed things along!)

I had a very long labour (27 hours) and the docs said I wasn't progressing enough, so they gave me oxytocin and I asked for an epidural. This speed up the process and the baby was on her way in no time. I pushed for 2.5 hours, but baby was stuck behind my pelvic bone. Apparently, I was a 'champion' pusher. I would bear down so hard, hold my progress, and then bear down even harder. This went on and on, but baby was stuck! I started to complain about a pain in my lower right abdomen. I had an epidural and couldn't feel anything else, but this was quite painful each time I pushed. It was my husband that noticed I had a large bulge beside my pregnancy bump. It was my bladder!!! I had an epidural, but they forgot to empty my bladder! I had no catheter!! They emptied my bladder and the contents filled the container entirely. They had me continue pushing to no avail (and it was painful where my bladder was). Finally, they used a vacuum to extract the baby - and tear me to shreds!! Well, I had second degree tears in my perineum and major swelling.

In the hospital, I felt like no one wanted to give me painkillers. I was in agony. Labour was a piece of cake compared to what I was faced with afterward. I had to ask the nurses for tylenol/advil and they would always forget to offer me more after 4/6 hours. It didn't really take the edge off anyway!

I was told that I was healing well, so when I came home I tried to resume my regular lifestyle. I took baby for a walk 2 weeks postpartum - it was very painful, but I ignored the pain and continued. I cooked and cleaned and went for more walks - I even walked 7km one day @ 5 weeks pp. I was really looking forward to running again...which leads me to when I started to suspect prolapse....

at 6 weeks pp - just before my appointment, I decided to jog from the end of my friend's driveway to her house. It felt like all of my insides were going to fall out!!! When I got home, I finally took out a mirror -and to my horror things looked completely different. I couldn't even see the entrance to my vaginal canal and there was a lump where my urethral opening was. I could feel a bulge just inside my vaginal opening. I immediately googled this and found the whole woman forum - and many others. I immediately felt scared, angry, devastated, shocked, and helpless at the same time. I blamed the doctors for forgetting to empty my bladder and for letting me push so hard. I blamed myself for not taking it easy. I cried and cried at the thought of not being able to do the things I love - like running (hence my forum name).

At my 6 week appointment, I told the nurse practitioner about my prolapse worries. When she checked me out,she said I was healing very well, but it looked like part of my anterior wall had 'unfolded'. She didn't refer to it as a prolapse and told me to do kegels and yoga to stregthen my pelvic floor (which I had and have been doing throughout my pregnancy). At 8 weeks pp, I was still feeling a heaviness in my vagina. It felt like I had a tampon inserted incorrectly. Thankfully I do not have any incontinence issues, but the sensation is enough to drive me mad! If I am on my feet for too long, the pressure is so uncomfortable on my perineum (which was torn). I saw another doc who took a look and couldn't find anything. I had her examine me further and she said that she agreed that I probably did have some prolapse (bladder). She feels like it will go away in a few months, but I don't know about that! I know I am still quite early pp and I am breastfeeding, but I feel like this is something that I can't just sit back and let it do what it wants.

So, I immediately changed my posture - this has helped almost immediately. I can do more things around the house before feeling uncomfortable. I am also getting acupuncture and taking Sepia from my Naturopath. I have an appointment with a yoga therapist and am going to purchase the DVDs from Christine. I want to be proactive in reversing my prolapse.

Most of the time, I feel empowered, but I often find myself feeling depressed about my situation. It seems unfair. I am very young (30) and exercise and physical activity have always been such a huge part of my life and my identity. I am also scared to have more children - and even more scared to give birth vaginally.

My birth experience was the complete opposite of the gentle birth I had imagined. Like I said earlier, I really wish I was aware of prolapse, because I would have made different choices (no epidural, no prolonged pushing - I would have let my body do the work!). I have told my friends that are pregnant/trying to get pregnant about my situation. Not in a way that is scary to them, but just so they are aware. I wish someone would have told me.

I am very thankful for this site. All of you are strong and inspirational to me.

In health,

Sad (hopefully not for long) Runnergirl

sadrunnergirl

November 29, 2011 - 10:42pm

That was longer than I thought! Thanks for reading :)

kiko

November 30, 2011 - 3:19am

Firstly, congratulations on the arrival of your daughter!

Secondly, the bit about being young and living an active lifestyle rang true for me, as I was/am the same. Now 31, but had my baby at 28.

You are still in such an early post-partum stage; truly you can afford to be a little more gentle on yourself. Your body is still recovering and needs time more than anything.

Do you like swimming? I have found that to be the best (and most soothing) sport for me while I was letting my body figure itself out (and letting me figure it out too).

Surviving60

November 30, 2011 - 6:42am

From everything you have written, I'd say you have all the elements needed to have good results with WW!! But please give yourself a break and trust your body as it heals from everything you have been through! I'll leave it to the more experienced to add their suggestions.

louiseds

November 30, 2011 - 8:09pm

Kiko and Surviving60 are right. Time will make an enormous difference to your prolapse.

There is so little in all those lovely reassuring pregnancy and birth books about prolapse. It makes me so cross. However, if it was included, it would no doubt be presented from a surgical repair perspective in mainstream books, which would only limit further the view that women see of prolapse.

Long live the Internet.

It really will take two years for your body to do its reversion from your pregnancy. The six week checkup is really just for the obstetrician to sign off on the birth process, ensure that you and the baby (that other product of birth!) are going OK, and that you have thought about family planning for the future. You just need to be patient now, and give your body the best chance possible to get back to a healthy configuration.

As you are now 10 weeks postpartum you may actually find that you will get slightly worse in the next few weeks regardless of your posture and other measures you are taking to prevent it. Many new mums find that it does get worse and worse until 3 to 4 months before starting to really *feel* better. We do not know why this happens, but we do encourage women to accept this if it happens. Persevering through it does pay dividends, instead of collapsing in a teary heap, which gets you nowhere.

Have faith in your body and the stories of other women whose bodies have experienced the same worsening, then real improvement. They will chip in and encourage you, I am sure ... if it happens.

Yes you are an A type personality, aren't you? It can be your greatest asset, and your nemesis. I am sure we will be able to help you to find ways to harness your wonderful drive and energy.

For now, just chill and enjoy your lovely baby. 'Not doing' is as important as 'doing' at some times in our lives. This is one of them. Your baby is only a baby once.

Louise

sadrunnergirl

December 1, 2011 - 8:49am

Thanks so much! Your words are encouraging and help to put things into perspective. Off to enjoy the wee one!

alemama

December 1, 2011 - 9:23pm

I'm 32 and I'm 7 months postpartum with my 5th baby (she's delicious) and I'm feeling ready to start running again. I've actually been feeling it for a few days now.

I had such a wonderful moment today chasing my 2 year old and running from him and hopping over him and galloping with him on my back and he was loving it and I was loving it and the sun was shining and life was good!
I did take a second to consider that a.) 5 years ago I did not believe that this moment in time would even be possible and b.). that even a month ago I was not ready for this type of play.
It really does take time. But I can feel my whole body getting tighter. It's hard to explain, but during the postpartum recovery time I feel loose and like I need to protect my body somehow. I don't try to run or dance much. I rest and try to focus on eating well and moving my body gently and thoughtfully- especially in lifting and carrying the baby and in cleaning up around the house.
Now, my hips feel more sturdy or stable or something and so do my shoulders.

I know you are feeling some sadness. Hey, we all do when this particular bubble bursts and having this hit during a hormonally vulnerable time is just the icing on the depression cake. Your birth sounds rough. You are a strong woman to endure it.
I bet you will be able to run by the time your baby is a year or so old.
Get into the posture and stay there- visit here and learn all you can about how the body works. Get out of tight clothing.

Also, I want to warn you, I bet you have a rectocele too. Your birth story and symptoms make me suspect it. For me, after sort of coming to terms with having a rectocele- it was hard learning a few weeks later that I had not just one, but two 'celes- it really messed with my head. So, you may as well suspect it up front- process it all at one time so you can move on :)
Have you ever heard of Nauli? It's a yoga thing- check it out.

Sequoia18

March 25, 2012 - 12:23pm

so good to know I'm not alone,my ds is 10 weeks too and I have a rectocele and maybe more,my birth was 29 hours, baby alsostuck, 6.5 hours of pushing, and third degree tear. Seeing the encouragement you got is helpign me too! and also the part aboutti getting worse at 3-4 months is a good heads up.

louiseds

March 26, 2012 - 1:58am

Welcome to the Forums. Sorry to hear about your traumatic birthing experience. Hope you are becoming more familiar with what is happening in your vagina and that this difficult 3-4 month stage passes without doing your head in. It will get better, I promise, for up to two years pp. You just need to use your body in ways that are supportive of your pelvic organs, and be really patient. Keep calling back when you need to.

Louise