Letter to Husbands

Submitted by Bebe on February 15, 2013 - 7:13pm
Body: 

Somewhere today on this website someone wondered about Lanny Goodman's article for husbands of POP'ers. I would make a more direct response if I remembered where I read the question about where to find it. I was curious and I found it! Go to Resources, to Library, to article directory on left side of page, to Lanny Goodman, and keep following and clicking on the links until it loads.

I read it. It's great, by the way, and thanks Mr. Goodman. I remember when my husband was talking with his son in law about my stepdaughter's pregnancy (at her request) and encouraging him to support her in looking for someone to attend a natural birth. The "boy's" final response was that he wanted the very best medical care for his wife and family. Through the conversation it became clear that it was just a cop out - willingly ignorant, irresponsible, and unsympathetic, besides being nearly accusative. Unfortunately some men will react that way to POP, but I think many men (maybe even most men) are better than that. They are with us, they love us, they want us to be okay, and men do have real sensitivity. They take a lot of hits from us without reacting, so we should trust them to receive our sincere fears and worries.

Forum:

louiseds

February 15, 2013 - 11:01pm

Well said, Bebe!

:-)

Bebe

February 16, 2013 - 8:38pm

As a site administrator if you have access to my personal email address, I wouldn't mind you using it - if you want to talk about some things others may consider have no place here. I don't do facebook. Just sayin'.... don't feel obligated.

fab

February 18, 2013 - 4:15am

I would not be too hard on the 'boy'. Young men taking on a wife and child, take on a huge responsibility and for them to opt for the conventional medical route for the birth of their first child when they know things can go wrong and there is a chance they may lose either wife or child during the pregnancy/birthing process can weigh heavy anxiety on them. They want to take what is presented as the safest option. The fact that his wife wanted to go this route may have struck terror into him that she was unknowingly increasing these risks. Home birthing is the 'unknown' to a lot of people.

I don't know what it is like where you come from, but here in Australian the birthing process has been medicalised and women go to hospitals and the low mortality rates are their touted success. What home birthing takes place is small in numbers and midwives find it hard to get insurance cover.

Recently, we had the case of a woman who was so traumatised by the caesarian birth of her first child that she referred to it as' birth rape' and vowed she would never birth in a hospital again. Her second child was a home birth and it went ok, her third child, again a home birth, was born with the cord wrapped around her neck and died. Her mother said she could not undo the cord quickly enough. Just last week a coroner's court found that the mother was guilty of negligence.

This poor woman not only lost her child but was blamed for her death.

I am not cheering on the hospital births as opposed to home births. I'm just saying when things go wrong this places a dreadful strain on the parents and if they leave themselves (mostly by others' opinions) open to blame, it's a terrible situation for a young family to find themselves in. I really can empahsise with the 'boy's' caution. I'm sure your judgement is sound, just don't write him off yet.

cheers, Fab

Bebe

February 18, 2013 - 11:08am

I did make it sound like my stepdaughter was looking for a home birth so I had better clarify. She was still in her first trimester and on her first visits to the OB/GYN she was already being pressured to consider a caesarian. That was also my experience upon my first pregnancy. I think that's probably not unusual in American obstetrics - for the doctors to begin scare tactics to manipulate the patients into fitting their time slots. She was first-time nervous and then unnecessarily frightened by the doctor. To clarify, she wanted to have as natural or un-interfered-with birth as possible with a cooperative doctor, and she wanted her husband to understand this and support her in doctor visits (or doctor shopping if necessary). That's why she asked my husband to speak with him. She thought a man/husband/father might be more convincing than she was able to be with him. See, he was already blocking up on her and she had a long way to go. We withdrew. His fear and unwillingness to listen to reason wasn't going to be helped by pressure. My subject was Lanny's letter, educating husbands, "guys who don't get it," and (thank God) guys who do! I'm sorry I didn't make the story clearer....makes me sound like a bitch, but my sympathy was with her.

The poor woman you told us about is another medical horror story, isn't it? She was so traumatized by 'birth rape' that she wouldn't trust a hospital birth again. I would say it's hard to know whom to blame - if blame were the issue. I wish the concept of blame was banished. It's sad and unfortunate and I'm very sorry for her.

I wanted to have home births after my first but I was afraid to. There was no experienced midwife available to me to attend me at home. By the time my fourth was born I had no insurance and was dependent on a government funded clinic and had my check-ups with a midwife there. I was happy about that; but upon arrival at the hospital for delivery, I was turned over to a doctor I didn't know with her by his side. I felt betrayed. The birth proceeded in the "normal American doctors' way", not as I had hoped and expected with a midwife. Anyway...I'm too windy. It's 25 years later and I will encourage my daughter to have a home birth only if the attendant can prove a successful history of experience, and my daughter wouldn't accept anything less. I know her husband will also fear for her, and neither me nor my husband would try to encourage her to do something dangerous or anything against her husband's will. The good thing is that I think these services are more available now than they used to be. There seems to be a movement (of some at least) to return to the more natural way. To me, ideally, natural births should have a place in hospitals with medical intervention available - not anticipated. Doctors and hospitals could still get paid without feeling pressured to give you your money's worth by messing with the natural process.

louiseds

February 19, 2013 - 10:38pm

No, it is not black and white. It bothers me that even if the 'boy' does want 'the very best medical care for his wife and family' , um, isn't it your stepdaughter who will be the recipient of this care? Doesn't she have a basic right to choose her own care, and her own birth professionals? He has said 'medical'. What if she doesn't want 'medical'? What does 'medical' mean in the expectant father's eyes? Has he done any research on the options available for bringing the baby into the world? Does he know the implications of what he said? Have your step daughter and the baby's father discussed the options at all? Does he realise that he has a responsibility to support his wife, and advocate for her in the face of anyone wanting to 'do things to her body'?

I can see why you have stepped back, but I really don't like seeing young women being bull-dozed by the medical profession, and I dislike it even more when a husband insists that his wife goes through a system without her having a say in it. It doesn't bode well for the future of their marriage partnership as sharing equals. Please forgive me if I have gotten carried away and catastrophised it. I know this is probably not the case.

They have plenty of time to explore all the options, and my guess is that the 'boy' really doesn't understand what he said, and knows little about what happens when babies are born. He probably said it, meaning that he is taking full responsibility for giving your husband's daughter the best care that money can buy, as would any man who wanted to do the right thing by his big, wise father-in-law.

It will be a matter of a lot of research, and reading, and open, non-threatening communication, and I am sure that they will all be better informed well before the baby's birth day, and that they will have a better birth for this baby as a result of the decisions they make.

Louise

Bebe

February 20, 2013 - 12:50am

It was a past event. Mother and baby were fine with a traditional medical delivery...lucky, I guess. The discussion is still relevant, though. All the questions you asked in your first paragraph, Louise, were the ones my stepdaughter, my husband, and I had at the time. She asked for our support in trying to just get "through" to her husband. You know how people (and ourselves included at times) already know everything and are offended that anyone thinks they can instruct them in anything. That's what we were up against and it was most reasonable to withdraw, especially since it was a long distance matter.

It can be a tough call - wanting to support a woman in what she needs but knowing that's her husband's place and not wanting to get between them. The best solution I can think of for that is for each woman to become her own person who is able to stand for herself. I mean ultimately that's the condition we're all in...to have to stand and answer for our own decisions. We love and try to help each other, but in the end we're on our own. That's not depressing to me. Realizing that is one of the best things that has happened to me. Otherwise, I wouldn't yet be on the way to having possession of my own soul.

fab

February 20, 2013 - 3:14am

I feel like I’ve put you through the ringer on this and thanks for your clarification. I was not really looking at the wrongs or the rights of those involved but the youth of the young couple. It is yes a hard call for you and your husband to have made. I personally hate being involved in married couple’s private disagreements and when the outcome is so important, I sometimes wish they would not involve me. But it seems like your step daughter has stepped up and been able to make her decisions. And I’m sure yours and your husband’s support helped her to have the confidence to do just that.

best wishes, Fab

Bebe

February 20, 2013 - 6:19pm

I enjoy the mental exercise and the practice writing what it is I actually mean to say. There may also be some confusion in tenses...my stepdaughter has given birth, my own newlywed daughter is only beginning to anticipate pregnancy. I'm glad this discussion continued under the "husband" topic for the sake of other women looking in, because we all know that these issues come up between couples and other family members too. This is a good opportunity to encourage individual responsibility and to reinforce a couple's need to stand together. Louiseds described marriage as a sharing partnership of equals, to which I say amen, and add that the individual responsibility of each partner strengthens the whole.

curiousity

February 21, 2013 - 2:53pm

Such a fraught area. And often one that often ends up involving less choice and more railroading, either by the people attending the birth or by your own body!

There is an Australian book (which I haven't read yet) which looks at the institutional issues around this area: http://www.penguin.com.au/products/9780702237225/birth-wars. It might not be applicable to the US though.

fab

February 21, 2013 - 5:58pm

Yes, thanks for the reminder curiosity. I’ve been meaning to read that book, but not likely to have to make that type of decision in the imminent future or ever, I guess it has dropped in my priority list. The author appears from all accounts as a nice lady.

cheers, Fab

louiseds

February 22, 2013 - 5:18am

It is a book I have been meaning to read too.

Smetimes I think I am quite loony, the way I always want to challenge things that just don't add up. Then I think, "Well, if I don't, then who will?" These conversations must be had.

Bebe, I am so glad that your stepdaughter's first labour and birth had a good outcome. Good grief, we are all such babes in the woods as first time Mums and Dads, standing up to the authority of Medicine. My guess is that her first experience will fertilise their discussions next time around.

Another thought. If experienced woman in the first world can't advocate for inexperienced women in matters of who is doing what to their bodies, then it really is a sadder world than I had previously thought.

But if your step daughter's upbringing was such that she had only heard horror stories of birth (because they are always told in louder voices, with more negative emotion than a successful and trauma free good birth), and told many more times, then you can understand how her attitudes have been formed. That's life.

Thankyou for raising this discussion. My daughter will probably have her first baby in the next five years. I am praying, believe me!

Bebe

February 22, 2013 - 10:47am

Since my stepdaughter was moved out of state at about the age of 8, I really never had the opportunity to talk to her about these things. I was happy to hear that she was so alert and concerned about having a good birth and wasn't taking taking anything for granted, questioning everything.

My own daughter's friends began to have babies in their teens. As she grew older, she heard more and more stories; and, yes indeed, they're always told in louder voices. I told her my own stories, too, because I've wanted her to understand and be informed and ready for what she will have to deal with. We don't do our children any service by withholding reality. Funny thing. I asked her to look into this website and she had no trouble recognizing me as Bebe. She was impressed with the website, too, by the way, commenting on how well organized and informational it is.

louiseds

February 24, 2013 - 8:10am

That's good to hear, Bebe. I agree that we don't do young people any service by witholding reality. Great that your step daughter has seen the site. It is another resource she will have at her disposal in the future. If only we had the WW site, eh?

On the other hand, I was pretty much the only Earth Mother in my crowd of friends. I don't quite know why I became such an advocate of natural birth and child rearing, and learned an enormous amount of stuff that was counter to community norms, before I had my first baby. I guess it was always my philosophy that Nature knew best, and not to mess with her. I still feel the same, which is perhaps why I ended up here?

My friends could never really understand why my views were so 'extreme'.

Louise

Bebe

February 24, 2013 - 11:49am

Did you see my post under Community Activism about "The Business of Being Born" documentary? There were two chilling comments in it - one about "losing natural childbirth" and the other in regard to the increasing numbers and rapid rate of increase of c-sections - that if it keeps going this way, c-sections will be 100%. I think it's cruel of those who step up as certified experts and authorities to rob women and babies of the generous gift of the experience of birth. Husband and fathers are missing out, too. I don't expect to turn the world around. I just want the few who have ears to hear and recognize that what they already know in their hearts is OKAY and to trust.

Thank you for understanding.

louiseds

February 27, 2013 - 10:20pm

Yes, it really is up to each and every woman to tell young women this story and to say, "No more!" Business regards humans as just another raw material in their process of manufacturing money. Not with my body, thanks.