How my life has changed

Dear Ladies

This post was a hard work for me to create and maybe it will be a hard work for you to read...

Since I found this site (and my prolapse) everything has been changing in my mind. I have posted a lot of questions and there are always kind women who keep answering me and support me in my "journey". Somehow I feel that I should explain my experiences in connection with this wonderful site. Maybe it is important only for me but I feel I owe you all nice ladies because sometimes I feel I must be tiring a bit...

When I first realized that I had something down there, I went to the gynecologists who told me that I have cysto and rectocele and sent me to the operation room immediately. It was 2 month after my second delivery. He also said it was a very common and safe operation and it would solve all the problems for the rest of my life. I was happy for some days because I thougt there was everything OK, I just had to have the operation and that was all. Luckily i visited another doctor who warned me from this operation saying that the operation is not so little and safe and longlasting as the first doctor mentioned. He suggested doing Kegels. At this point I started searching the internet and I was completely shocked when I realised that surgery won't help. I kept on searching and soon it was clear for me that there is no cure for the prolapse. According to many studies terrible sympthoms can evolve later and the process can not be stopped. I read many stories from ladies who were operated and after a few month I realized that I was not able to find one lady who felt good for more than ten years after being operated. Almost everyone suffered from terrible complications soon after their operation. I also found studies about the outcome of these operations (and I have to tell that there are only few) and then I was horrified because it is clearly involved in these studies that thay call it "longstanding" outcome of the surgery if doctors follow their patients life for 5!!!!!! years. But the worst is that the success rate was only 27 percent! It means that 73 percent of ladies went back to the operating room in five years.

After finding these studies I immediately understood that everything I thougt of the doctors and medical support was a mess. I realised that gynecolgists simply lie when they state that the surgery will help. How can it be? They must know that this is not true. Why they claim this? Why do they perform so many surgeries? Why they call themselves a doctor at all??? They didn't say a word about the fact that women could have prolapse. I was angry so much when I realised that if I were told about how to take care of myself I would be still healhy.

And this was the hardest point.

The world which had been a safe place for me suddenly changed into an unsafe and even unknown world where there was no doctor who I could trust in. I was not able to trust in my children's doctor anymore which was terrible because we are really dependent on doctors as my older sun is an autist and my smaller boy can't even walk due to a serious orthopedic problem. My body changed into an enemy. My future changed into a scary black mass full of pain and suffering. I felt at that point that there was only lie, viciousness, stupidity and negligence in the world. I felt loss. Please don't think that I was a naive child at the time. I had always been sceptical but it was too much.

And then I found this site. I felt immediately that this is something true. But I stayed very sceptical and I think it was understandable after my shocking experiences about how the medical system works. A started posting and interrogating here. Surviving was the lady who was always there for me even if I was tiring many times but others like Aginggracefully also helped immensely. It was very difficult to trust again but the process started in me.
I had been reading this site for many month and eventually I ordered Christine"s book and DVDs.
During that time my terrible depression slowly started to go away. My fear started shrinking. And now I feel that I discovered something big and important. I sometmes think of Christine as an angel. She opened the world for me again. I am not so hopless now. And it is not only about prolapse. It is about love, consonance with the nature and with our body and mind as far as I see. For me the world is not an enemy any more but a place where if I work hard I can find peace and happyness for myself and for my family and others too. I started changing completely. I have never been full of hope and curiosity like this before. I would like to explore this new world. I started living a new life which I have never known before. I have always been open and I have always desired completeness but was never been able to "catch" it. Now I am sure I will.

I posted this post to explain my posts (hahaha so many posts are here) which may seem desperate, testy and disputatious sometimes but it is because I am still fighting with my sceptical part. A few days ago after a long walk in posture my prolapse improved significantly and this experience was a landmark for me. I can't promise I won't post any desperate and testy posts any more because I still feel depressed sometimes and when I am depressed this site always help me. And sometimes I simply read something (which I may misunderstand) here which I have to ask about or I would like to compare my prolapse and improvement with other's.
And I posted this post (what else can I use for post as a noun? I don't know any synonym...)because I wanted to tell how thankful I am and how much I am healing even if you can't see it in my threads.
Thank you Christine and all patient, kind and supportive ladies!!!!!!
Budahazya