Not sure what to do next: abstained from sex for 20 years over this

I'm a newbie here and I don't know who to tell this to and whether to disclose the past when I see a doctor. I've had so much angst over this issue that I've avoided relationships and sex for over 20 years past. My apologies in advance for this being so very long - it's been a long journey.

I'm approaching 50 and my problems began in childhood when I was assaulted (I don't have clear memory of what happened - just events around it). However, I suppressed memories of this until after I had a baby - all I knew is that I felt that there was something drastically wrong with my genitals, but had so much shame around this issue that I only finally looked when I was about aged 12 and from memory, I could see that my vagina was 'open' with some pale bumps sticking out and sometimes I could feel a 'bearing down' feeling - so I think even then I may have had something of a prolapse. I was mortified at how unattractive it seemed to look. It didn't occur to me to see a doctor as I was far too embarrassed and had no support from my mother, who was married to my abuser.

Fast forward to my later teens and my hormones had kicked in and despite my misgivings, I ended up having a whirlwind romance and sexual relationship with a boyfriend which lasted about a year. It was during this time that I saw some porn, and this only confirmed my anxieties. I could see that I didn't have much of a perineum (but I didn't know it was called that). However, both my boyfriend and I were still really new to sex and I later realised that his complaint over him not being feel much sensation were likely due to my issues (we barely talked about it directly when we were together). I was devastated when the relationship ended, and within a year, on the rebound, met my ex-husband.

I was not at all physically attracted to my ex-husband, but he was to me - and I naively thought that in time a physical attraction could develop on my part. I still had suppressed what had happened to me as a child and was in denial over the vaginal issues - I just thought it was really ugly and that noone would want me, so when my ex did, I ended up getting married to him. I realised soon after that this was not at all fair on him, but he was so persistent and when I later tried to break up with him, he was very resistant so we ended up living more like brother and sister because I didn't really want to be intimate.

Incredibly, we went on to have a baby together, and it was then that issues really came to a head. I carried our baby very low and I had a vaginal birth (incredibly no health professional commented on my tiny perineum or warned me about the risks of vaginal birth on that area or even remarked that I was carrying low). Anyway, I had some stitches after birth and started shaking uncontrollably, and the midwife advised me that I had a 'grade 3' tear. Since then I lost some sensation when I would try and do a number 2, and didn't seem to have as much control over defecating, but again this was missed although I did mention it - but was too ashamed to press it when the midwife didn't seem to 'hear' me try to tell her that I hadn't really felt it when I had pooped.

To cut a very long story short, I had a breakdown and the marriage ended and the priority was care of our child. Some years later, when I summoned up the courage to confide in a doctor some of what had happened, I was referred to a gynaecologist, only to be fobbed off when I saw him because I got upset when being examined.

So, here I am finally approaching 50, having avoided sex for about 24 years, with some front and back continence problems - a prolapse where my uterus sits just inside my vagina and with no real perineum. Perhaps I would have still buried it all, but I recently had a change of meds and all of a sudden I have a strong sex drive to deal with.

In addition, I had one examination of my colon where I was told that my rectum is sitting low, not sure if that's always been that way.

Please can someone advise me what might be best to do? I have found out that there is a pelvic floor specialist centre in the UK which it might be possible to be referred to. I don't know whether to go for surgery although I've already been advised to have a hysterectomy.

This has felt like such a huge barrier to having a relationship - not least because its caused continence issues (some soiling & leakage).