My grief is an onion.

I hope you find some helpful counseling. I know it seems like every part of your life is falling apart at the same time, but I'll bet that as soon as one little part starts to heal, the other parts will follow suit as well.

hang in there....

feeling pretty blue too. also on therapist search...but need it to be on sliding scale or inetwork, so always limited. i didn't think a therapist would help (being that i am a therapist, and have had my share in the past). but it is definitely time to vent somewhere. i think it will help me from venting to the hubby, who also doesn't always get it. i think when he sees me functioning okay, that he thinks everything is better. not understanding that nothing is. yes, i want therapy so i can grieve the old me, and figure out who this new person is going to be. i called one therapist. on the phone it went quite well til she said "can't this be fixed with surgery". thought you all would like that. sorry zelda, hopefully tomorrow, or next week, or maybe the next hour will be okay. i need to learn to appreciate the good moments.

One of the first therapists I saw had actually had surgery for a rectocele and cystocele and couldn't for the life of her understand why I was so upset about the whole thing!!?? She was five years post op and OK. I very much hope that she still is but I wouldn't know as I didn't go back as we were so obviously coming from such different perspectives in this area.

Good luck with finding a therapist you love. Therapy can be such a great thing when you find the right one! :)

My family has said a few times over the years, “We're glad you didn’t become a therapist!”

Needless to say, “Snap out of it!” is sort of my style… :-/

Some of us can do just that and "snap out of it" and move on but then there are others of us who struggle to cope and cannot just pick ourselves up and move on so easily. My sister is a strong person who has never let anything drag her down and has the ability to move on from something that is bothering her. She doesn't freak out like I do when something on her body is amiss. I have struggled for years with depression and anxiety and have never been able to "snap out of it" and it has always infuriates me when someone tells me to do just that.

I certainly wish I could move on from this hole I am stuck in at the moment but just as I am reaching the top something pulls me back down again. I don't choose to do this - it's an overwhelming emotion that takes over.

I truly wish I could see prolapse in the way that others see it as being just an annoyance but someting that can be lived with quite easily. I am seeing it as gross disfigurement and I AM SCARED OF IT! Not a day goes by without symptoms and reminders of the drastic change in my body. No one can see it but it affects my whole person and I have to put a brave face on for everybody else whereas inside I feel like I am dying. I have not found a point of stablilization, things just continue to progress downwards despite my efforts and I am not sure when they plan to stop. Will everything have to be hanging outside of my body before it decides to stop - who knows, prolpase seems to be so damn unpredictable. But I KNOW that if that should happen I will NOT be able to cope.

I am trying soo very hard to get my head around acceptance of what has happened to me because I can't nor do I want to deal with surgery. What is the point of putting your body through so much trauma for a temporary fix that can last only weeks not to mention all the nasty things that can happen as a result. But when you hear stories of ladies who literally have everything hanging outside and are in a great deal of pain you can see why they opted to go under the knife.

I am hoping with this work and the fact that I have stopped lifting heavy things and straining on the toilet etc that that day will never come. I have two small children and find it very hard to get time to myself as I am sure every mother of small children does. I know walking is very good for prolapse but I have to take a buggy everywhere with me and it makes it hard to keep posture and really have a good walk.

I am not having a go at anyone in anyway here - I am just venting. If you knew me you would know that I do everything to avoid upsetting people and I have a very gentle nature.

Zelda - I sincerely hope you get the counselling you need and you find a way out of your troubles. You deserve to find some calm and control in your life.

My best wishes.

A

I think it is easier for some to "snap out of it" because they aren't having symptoms or few. It is a little hard for me to snap out of it when I do everything - posture etc. and still feel the pressure and can't do anything without being uncomfortable. It is very disheartening to hear about all the women that have accepted their new organ position and looks because they don't feel the prolapse. I wonder what the heck I am doing wrong??? I could care less what I look like down there but I don't want to feel it!

That is precisely how I feel! I am VERY symptomatic at the moment and don't want to even get out of bed.

If nothings hanging out and it don't bother me than I could get on and not fret about it. But these symptoms are awful. I feel like someone is literally pulling my bladder down and it hurts. I have a bubbling sensation all day long and my whole pelvic region feels heavy and bulgy and these are all new symptoms over the past couple of days! I lift my chest up and circle my arms, I sit on my knees and elbows to tip everything back up again but nothing helps.

Oh lord what am I doing wrong!?

A

i feel symptoms constantly every day. i just traveled yesterday for the first time. it was so frustrating not to be able to pick up luggage the way i once did: concern about having a BM on the plane. etc. etc. so i too don't get how anyone moves on. i feel it as i sit and write you. it never goes away and although it isn't hanging out, i can't bear to live this way for the rest of my life. yes, i understand all of the negatives about surgery. but obviously for some people surgery seems to go okay. i feel the frustration as you do. its not like having a sore back or neck or knee!!! my vacation has started and well, its not as free and relaxing as when i was prolapse free.

Maybe that is what it comes down to. When I feel awful awful awful I have faith that I will feel better. It isn't that I just snap out of it- It is that I only have so much time in my life for my own thoughts and I can only give so much to my POP. I am more than my body. I want to do things that I think are fun. So I do- like camping. I love it. And it is HELL on my prolapse. But I don't freak out. I just have a really great time while I am there and then I rest for the next couple of weeks and my prolapse improves.
Part of it is that I have had time (1 year) to notice how up and down this all is. So one day might be great- pain free- prolapse deeply inside and then the next day for no reason at all it hurts and is touching my labia. It is just so variable.
So I do what I want, when I want, and in the WW posture and hope for the best. When it is very bad- on my body and my head- I take a long bath and go to bed early- When I first discovered my prolapse I did this every night for 6 weeks or so- as soon as my dh got home off I went- but now I may only need the break once every two weeks or so.
I know it seems so hard right now but time is on your side.

You went on holiday and that is the main thing. I won't even plan a day out!

Enjoy yourself.

A

I am a very sensitive person and if I feel I have upset someone it upsets me so I try to word my postings very carefully. I would hate to offend anyone. Sometimes I don't really express truly what I feel and today has been one of those days. I have cried pretty much all day. On days like these I exist, its not living. I feel like a terrible mother and feel sorry for my kids for ending up with me. My little boy has watched his mum go through depression, panic and anxiety for 3 years and now my little girl is witnessing the same misery. My little boy has cuddled me tonight and told me he loves me because he is worried and he shouldn't have to feel like that.

I can rise above on comfortable days but the bad days drag me down so far I feel like they would all be better off without me. Nobody wants to live and put up with someone who cannot keep a hold on their emotion. How it must feel for my husband to come home and find me all red faced and puffy from the amount crying I have done. What a downer that must be.

I am trying so very hard but wonder when I get a break, when do I find the level of stabilization and comfort. When is it my turn damn it!

Well I had better go as my little girl was really sick earlier and I am worried. I ran out to get some extra nappies (diapers!) and whilst out my husband had put her to bed. I want her in with me tonight just in case.

Speak soon.

A

I've been thinking of you today
I know that for those who've not experienced real anxiety firsthand, its hard to understand that its not about being able to snap out of it. luckily for me, my anxiety does not revolve around body integrity/health, but for my dd it does. she literally falls apart if she gets a cold. panics that she will never be healthy again, that her nose will be red forever, that she might die. its easier with a child in a way, she believes almost everything I say. so I tell her you will be fine and I am not worried. and then she can worry but also borrow my strength and that helps her.

It sounds to me (and I lack your ability to sensitively word my posts so I hope this doesn't come across in any way but caring and loving) that your problem right now isn't primarily the prolapse. its the anxiety. waiting for the prolapse to stabilize might not be the answer. I'm not sure what *is* the answer (I know, I'm useless!). I've been working on taming my anxiety demons for about 10 years now and only recently have begun to make significant headway. it is not easy and definitely NOT for the faint of heart. if you struggle with anxiety, you are STRONG, so strong, just getting through a regular day. like an amputee taking a walk around the block.

I hurt for you, hearing you cut yourself down. because I know that your getting up each day and taking care of your family is evidence of your strength.
here in NY we call our firefighters 'NY's bravest', you my friend, are a brave woman, going right into the fire each day rather than staying in bed paralyzed with fear. your children are blessed to have you.

So so sweet of you. Thank you for your reply. You have touched me and the tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I am at a loss for words right now but THANK YOU.

A