How am I meant to feel?

Submitted by UKmummy on January 13, 2008 - 4:34pm
Body: 

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in some time and have been feeling pretty good generally. I still read often and think of all you lovely ladies out there! :)

I am really in need of some support though and I hate the way I am feeling but it just wont go away however hard I try to make myself feel and think.

As you all may or may not know, before my prolapse after my last baby I was an avid marathon runner. I have not run seriously since, and although I can run short bursts, things still feel really saggy and it does just not feel good for me to run. I have pretty much resigned myself to the reality that I wont be running again, well not the way I used to anyway.

Well, my DH has recently developed an interest in 1/2 marathon running which started with a group from his work running, and seems to be continuing. I have been totally OK with him doing it, I am glad that he is getting out and doing something for himself as he does so much for us and yet.................we went down to meet him at the end and it almost broke my heart. I was so dare I say it, JEALOUS of him, the others from his work, and all the other runners. Now I feel completely bereft again, like I have not at all come to terms with things even though I really thought I had. I know in the grand scheme of things this is such a small issue, and I have so much, and yet, I feel so darn sad again, and so angry too. Does anyone know what I can do to make these feelings go away again? I feel so small minded and awful not wanting to share in his excitement and I hate myself for it but I feel taken over in some way with the feelings I have.

GRRRRRRR to prolapse!!! :(

How can I feel genuinely happy for him and finally really and truly come to terms with all of this? After all, I know I am lucky prolapse wise in so many ways and yet.....

a6a25725

January 13, 2008 - 5:32pm

Check out the post Rectocele Running Daily Management by PA Runner under the Pelvic Health Forum. She is a runner who managed to run again. Perhaps if you can get back to running you will feel better and even if you can't join your dh, you won't feel left out.
Also type running and marathon running in the search box at the left and you may find other posts about it.
Good Luck.
Flora.

granolamom

January 13, 2008 - 5:51pm

I've found that learning to cope with a loss is not a linear path. sometimes out of nowhere the pain bubbles up all fresh and new.
I can only imagine how I'd feel in your situation, and I don't think I'd have an easy time of it. I don't think you are being small minded, and I don't think you can easily make the feelings go away. I imagine that with time, you will learn some way to change those feelings into something else, maybe turning pain into nostalgia? I don't know.
I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful
{{{{{{{ukmummy}}}}}}}}

alemama

January 13, 2008 - 6:36pm

triathalon. a small one. start training woman! try to find one that is a mile swim- 2 mile run- 10 mile bike- or something like that-

So you can't do a marathon- it doesn't mean you are out of luck- and the best part is if you are swimming and biking to train you can put off the jog - you will be in shape for it- you can even train for the jog part on an elipse.

I don't think there is going to be long term damage from a short tri.

So glad to hear from you-

stella

January 13, 2008 - 6:41pm

I have found that hilly trail running works better for my prolapse than hitting the pavement. Do you have somewhere soft and hilly that you can run? I would keep trying different variations to see if something works.
You may also have to allow yourself a grieving period before you can truly feel happy for your husband. Let yourself have this time if you need it.
Biking also seems to work for me...I think the triathalon idea might be worth trying!
good luck
Stella

UKmummy

January 13, 2008 - 6:56pm

Dearest Wholewomen,

Thank you ALL so very much for your prompt and wonderful responses. Wow, do I feel better already with your encouragement and care. You are ALL right, I need to start taking some risks, and at the very least attempting to find my exercise passion again even if it isn't what I was doing before.

I have also just had a very fruitful conversation with DH about this as well because I couldn't hide it any longer and I know it wasn't healthy for me or my family to be holding unreasonable resentment against him. He too was wonderful and much more open to the way I am feeling than I gave him credit for. He also had some ideas for me. Running again was a new year plan for me so now I need to stop making excuses and start doing SOMETHING whether it be running, biking, or swimming. Thank you all again! :)

Love Michelle xxx

Zelda

January 13, 2008 - 8:36pm

I am a hiker. Well I was. I am so sad to not be able to do the hard-core hikes, that I did before.
I miss it so badly. I have had a very hard time not feeling quite sorry for myself, as I feel I've lost
a real quality of life activity. I live in Montana and am surrounded with these gorgeous mountains.
Many of which I have been to the top of. I know many trails like the back of my hand. I look up at
these hills and Know the interconnected trails in my head - as I drive a damn vehicle around.
I despise my weakness. I crave my old life.
It would take a real selfless spirit to not suffer some pain in facing your partner living a life you
are forced to give up. my heart goes out to you.
Zelda

UKmummy

January 13, 2008 - 10:10pm

Zelda,

Thank you for your empathy and for your beautiful words! Of course my heart goes out to you too because I also live for the outdoors, and although I haven't been to Montana, I long to one day soon. I actually used to feel awful walking at first, achey and saggy, but now it feels really fine and for that I am truly grateful though I haven't tried to climb any mountains or anything yet :) I hope that for you too it will improve to the point where you can hike to your heart and souls content!

It is all so much about levels of mourning isn't it, and as Granolamom said having emotional relapses every now and again that come unannounced, and have the ability to completely floor us all over again. I was feeling so strong and thinking, "yup, I have this thing licked!" out again doing pretty much everything around the home and yard. I am thinking of you and willing you to be back up on those mountains again soon.

On a more practical note, I have to look into pesseries for impact exercise. I have a wonderful nurse practitioner nearby who fits them, and although she kind of warned me away from running initially and advised me to wait a year, she did say they might be helpful for exercise in the future. There has been something about going back which makes me hesitate, I don't know why though it probably has to do with fear, but I must gather myself together and try. This might be the secret weapon for all of us previously hardcore exercisers! xx