Getting through to men

I've taken an entirely different approach. I tell my dh very little about it. and if I tell him that the doctor says I should make sure to exercise and eat well and surgery isn't a good option, he has no reason to second guess that. I leave out as many details as possible, which is hard for me, but it pays off in my case. all I have to say is 'I'm having a prolapse-y day, I need to stay off my feet' and he doesn't know enough to wonder if its 'real' or more easily dealt with via surgery.
it is what I say it is, and I don't say much. so when I say it is, he listens. works for me.
I think every woman, man and marriage is unique. I hope you find a way to get through to your man.

{{{hugs}}}

Hey Anita,
Sorry about your man. My husband gave me the same crap about the doctor...men like to have things be "fixed". When I get discouraged he gets that attitude again-that if it was one of our kids for example, I wouldn't give up on finding a solution. Uh oh, speaking of dh, he is pulling into the driveway so more later!
how is your daughter feeling?

I think if telling will bring you closer together- if it will create more understanding- then tell all-

When I first found my prolapse my dh was the one who told me about it. I had a stitched tear from childbirth and the midwife encouraged us to check how it was healing along and along- so he would look at it and he saw a funny bulge- asked me what it was and I said I had no idea. Fastforward 3 and a half years and wouldn't you guess? I was told I had a rectocele. No one ever saw it- ever. I made it through 2 more pregnancies and births before it was discovered.
But since he and I have that type of relationship where he is comfortable watching our babies crown- and looking at my birth injuries- I was totally comfortable telling him what it was- about this this website and a tiny bit about the emotional freek out I was having.
He has been a real and total support. A few months back my prolapse disapeared- I couldn't see it. He checked it out for me and found that he could still feel the place where the bulge was but there was nothing bulging- then when it came back with a vengence and I was so upset he was the one who looked at it and said "I wish I could show you a picture of what it looked like a year ago- You have healed so much" and made me feel so much better-

You just have to figure out how much your man can handle- mine is fine with looking and feeling- more than happy to actually- but he needs for me to be ok with it- so I don't share how it makes me feel physically or mentally- that I save for you guys! When I have a bad day I tell him I need a bath and a break. He is helpful with this and it probably has a little something to do with the fact that he knows on bad days he is going to get some action.....

I don't know Anita. I think of this as a topic for women to discuss- Kinda like how I don't want to hear about football stats.
My husband will be my partner for as long as I live. But that doesn't make him an extension of me- I don't need him to solve my problems or even understand what I am going through. I can make my own way right next to him- enjoying his strenghts and his friendship.
If I am sad and he thinks enough to ask what is wrong I will talk to him- otherwise- unless he has done something totally stupid and mannish I just live and let live.

Try this. make some effort to show him that you appreciate him. Love to be with him. Ask him questions about his life- and save your prolapse talk for us here on the board. Do it for 1 month and see if he doesn't just come around and stop with the rolling eyes etc....and you might just find that he is an interesting caring guy- or you might not.

He may show an interest- if he does- then open up to him- if he doesn't, well I would just let him off the hook.

what a great post
you've been officially added to my list of 'wisewomen'

Amen..........

I agree with your response.
I want to add, that I think that men often get scared about situations like this, but rather than show their vulnerability they may seem annoyed(or another easier emotion)instead. They may not even be aware of what their emotions truly are. I think this is the case with my husband. He just wants me to be well-he wants me to "fix" it...he is afraid of me not being my usual self...maybe you can help your husband identify what is really going on for him (if you think he would be receptive to that). Or maybe as Alemama suggested, just save it for here.

I agree - I have shown him pics on here and explained what it is - He knows much more abut womens bodies because of this I think (And recent trip to hospital lol)

Men will be men - But this should hopefully make them understand that we bear the children and this can take a big toll on our bodies...

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Maybe there is a factual basis for the idea of going out to the vege garden (or the supermarket) and getting a baby from under the cabbages. Maybe it is a very persistent idea that sticks in a man's brain so he can deny the reality of childbirth. Maybe they invented the theory in an attempt to keep their recreation area neat and tidy. In ya dreams!! LOL. If only preventing prolapse was so easy!!

Cheers

Louise

We call them 'womens problems'
Women get it - They never say 'Mens problems'
Men go to bed for a week or seven until they get better from a cold! They moan and do nothing but recouperate. Women hafta be ill - Look after the kids, cook, wash, shop, and do everything as if they were not even partially ill...

Kind of inequality methinks.

Not that I would want men to bear the children as I have such an amazing relationship through being able to talk to them about their own birth. I believe because of being the one who carried and bore them I have an amazing bond to them that is beyond all love and connections and has no word to explain it...

Motherhood is the most amazing thing...

My son sent me this...

Before I was a Mum...
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mum...
I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my
thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mum...
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a
baby sleep.

Before I was a Mum...
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so
much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mum.

Before I was a Mum...
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so
small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mum...
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mum. I didn't
know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mum.

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Hi Anita,

I think it's wonderful you're dealing with this with your dh and not just 'accepting' that he won't understand.

It sounds like everyone deals with POP in their relationships in their own way, but all I can say is that I think the most important thing is whatever way you do it you need to feel supported and nurtured. After all, isn't that part of what marriage is about?

I hope you can work through this with him and I'm glad you have here to talk about it all. Good luck!

I am glad my partner truly understands what this means.

Right in the beginning I was open and TMI honest with him - I said to him - FEEL this - the 'door' is shut when I stand up... Yeah it may be a shock to a man - But it was a shock to me too.

I think if our partners truly understand what we are going through then they can understand why we cannot do certain things.

I have gone through some real rough times in this past few months - And he knows when I say 'I have to sit' It means I really HAVE to sit - and now not an hour away.

He always carries the shopping in even though he himself has a frozen shoulder...

I think once they are 'on board' with how things really are - They can compute this into their male heads and then they can strategize how they - As men - Will deal with it...

He knows there is no true fix, he knows my fraustration. He feels I think the complete despair I went through, knowing that in this instance you are damned if you do damned if you don't kinda thing on the so called fixes...

I wish I had been forewarned on this and Christines book should be given to all girls at puberty - Then - However scary that may sound - Then they would be foreaermed and have the knowledge to alter certain things and womankind might not be used as such guinea pigs on surgeries and whatever that the 'Doctors' have deemded fixes...

If these men wanna be our partners - then they hafta stand by us in all ways - I am lucky. He and I have gone through some serious *stuff* And still have issues we need to sort but - I know 1000% when I need him - He will be by my side through thick and thin :-) That is a very comforting thing, especially as most of my life I have walked the roads alone - Till I met him however many years ago it is now - lol...

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Hi Sue:
I just finished reading your post from today about the treadmill. I am so sorry that things have fallen back again. You were feeling so good for awhile, and I had my fingers crossed for you - but that is on another post, and I don't mean to confuse - but I am so sorry :-(

However, I wanted to comment on the poem that your son wrote. It so touched my heart - he must be a remarkable boy!!! Do you mind sharing how old he was when he wrote it?

Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I've bookmarked it, as I go back and read it from time to time. Please tell him for me how wonderful I think it is.

GF

No he didn't wrote it - Just forwarded it to me -Sorry for confusion

Suffice to say I feel crapola now...

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg