zelda?

I was thinking of Zelda last night and wondered how she was doing. I can only assume she is really busy and hasn't had time to check in.

Thinking of you Zelda.

Anita

Sorry i've been logged on all this time too. Oops.
Hard times girls. I am tired and sad and mad. still.
I now apparently have a rectocele as well... Denial isn't
making it go away either.
I have to admit I really hoped i wouldn't suffer that
as well, thinking it was poss. more diet and weight related.
Guess not.
I don't have the time, energy or resources left over to take
care of myself. I'm just trying to focus on my kids and work.
I'm drinking entirely too much and know it. Every self-soothing
relief I knew has been either stripped or tainted by this damn condition.
I just can't believe how anxious and depressed I get when it hangs
low and now I have this pain in my ass as well. I'm sick of thinking
about it. Things just get so dark when my body feels this broken.
I feel so betrayed by my body that I have had the strangest hateful
thoughts like tearing up what's left into tiny pieces and throwing it to the
wind. I Wish I could just delete it. Life hasn't been all that great for a while.
I used to be happy , I used to fear death. Now ? Not so much. I'm thinking
there will be some sweet relief. ( NO WORRIES, I'm not suicidal)
Sorry to post - I should delete these words, but I'll try to let go of some
pain as I send these thoughts into cyber-space.

Zelda

It is such a shock to find the first prolapse but when another appears its feels like you are doomed. As you may remember it has been the same for me and I was in such a state when I found my rectocele. Yeah this really sucks, big time and it feels so damn unfair.

Please hang in there, don't suffer in silence. We are here to listen and help in any way we can and I truly understand your darkness and your pain in the ass! My ass feels like its been dragging around all day and I hate it.

Make time for yourself, you need to, not just for your health but for your sanity as well. I know you are busy with work but you still need to take some "me time".

Don't go far, we are here to help.

Anita xx

Hi Zelda

Hang in there woman. Keep holding on and keep a hold of that spunky bit of you that we know about. You will come up again.

If it is any consolation, all three celes often appear eventually. However, it is also another mass that stops everything else from sliding down further, which makes it like nature's pessary. Maybe you will reach a point of stabilisation that I now seem to have. All my POP's are still inside me, and only move a little up and down. My cervix hasn't peeked for months, and sometimes it is up to a full knuckle up my vagina. Since my cervix completed its descent, about twelve(?) months ago, I have felt a lot less wobbly in the vaginal area, and have had a lot less irritation and inflammation in the vulval area. I hope this may happen for you too. (((Zelda))).

Cheers

Louise

ps Hey, I bet you there is a period coming to you in the next week or so! It tricks me every month when the black clouds gather, and my vaginals hang low.

That you mention Abraham... The funny kind
that feels like the hand of angels.
And yes, that is more or less what I do to climb out of
these holes.
I'm going to burn dinner...here, I thought he was cooking...

Ovulating today - can't believe how painful it's being and how
timidly I'm moving. I haven't had this in a while, but it's good
to know what it is.
Hope to post later if I don't tip over.
Zelda

Hi Zelda

Actually, I have diaried my black clouds. They are not all during the week before a period. I also get them around ovulation sometimes. I also get very horny just before a period as well as around ovulation time. So the books are somewhat misleading as to black clouds, which are 'supposed to' happen in the last week or so before period, and women are 'not supposed to' be horny just before a period. Horror of horrors, there is something wrong with me!! LOL. I don't think so.

Try diarying all these ups and downs of yours. You may find some patterns that will reassure you that your hormones are playing tricks. Hormones are probably not the only cause. You certainly are dealing with some other distressful stuff too, but if you know there is a pattern, you know that it will pass. Then all you need to do is stay away from dangerous objects, and try not to let difficult people press your buttons and send you diving deeper. It certainly was a relief for me to find these patterns, but because I am pericrazypausal, I had to do it over 12 months or more to see the pattern.

Cheers

Louise

Zelda,

Just a quick note to say my mother died this week. It was a really an interesting experience. She had always been in the driver's seat, and this time, the steering wheel was given to me. I was able to get her Last Rites, which made me feel really good, and I was able to stay with her 36 hours until the end when she had her family around her and praying for her.

I hope I die that well.

My whole family came and that surprised me a lot. I still have a lot of family here, so I must be brief.

I thought of you during her final hours. She died peacefully. I can't say I will miss her. She was really ready to be with my dad.

Judy

to find, but it sounds as if your family has been given that opportunity.
My Dad's death was similar, but just the two of us . He had no other children
or family. I did it alone ( My daughter was 2, and I"d just left my first H). We had a
very difficult - but loving relationship. He was a Colonel in the Air Force and never
understood his whimsical artsy D... Always insisted the Air force would straighten
me out. I was with him when he died. His last word was "Momma".

I look back at all the layers of emotion that came up, some I was ashamed of,
like relief and anger for what a tyrant he often was. But now I often think of
all the really unique experiences I had and things I learned from him. (Aside from
being sure that all men are really womanizing bastards at heart) He was a pilot
and took me for loopdloops in his biplane, he was a fly-fisherman and we took a VW
bus and drove the Al-Can hwy to Alaska and fished the Yukon river for Grayling..
He gave me my love and intelligence for the outdoors. He opened and challenged
my mind.

Funny thing is ? I've started to refer to all this stuff I've been storing for my Mom
as my inheritance. And when customers intepret her being dead? I don't correct.
I truly try to be a forgiving person, my step-father taught me the power of that lesson.
I understand that people can run their mouths and I know it doesn't always come from
their hearts. The same for actions. But what my Mother has done feels like true colors.
Upon reflection her "good" or generous actions seem rather self-serving.
At this point - Good riddance. My life is better without her. I'm not stuck in the middle
trying to protect my son and husband from her vicious tongue.

I've come to see that our parents weaknesses create strengths in us. For me anyway.
Love and Hugs to you Clon. Don't be surprised if the little girl in you doesn't have to
revisit her grief. Our minds understand what sometimes our heart of hearts won't.
Thanks for writing, it gave me an opportunity to reflect.
Zelda

I was just thinking of you.....
I'm sorry to hear of your mother's passing. not only do I hope to die as well, but I hope to be the graceful dd that you have been. my sister and I wonder how we will behave when one day, our father passes. he is/was a difficult man and we've been estranged for over 10 years now.
I wonder if the fallout from a painful parent/child relationship is easier or harder once the parent dies.
either way {{{{{judy}}}}}