Good Days/Bad Days

I am trying to undrstand the difference between rectocele and prolapse.
I also feel like surgery is not something any of us want.
Can anyone comment on non-surgical ways to treat rectocele. I just don't know how you can stop it . Again, I postd my story yeasterday.
I am aking about exercise and doctrs and just any information.
I am really anxious.
Thanks for any advice or comments. And many thanks to those of you who have responded.
Rainey

Who said that Incostress could thin vaginal tissues?
I would if I everget one - Only use it for the worst days or on a day when i knew I would be on my feel a lotttttttttttt...

I am sorry you are having problems still :-(

I hope you can find something (some way) to aleviate this.

I have big fears at present so even when you feel ok - I now have worried that one day I will stand up and it will all be back as it was or worse...

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Well you are not in or near menopause - As i said i would only use it for badddddddddddddd days not all the time...

I am kinda worried (Even tho sex is banned atm for four weeks) That after it might send things back as they were cos it feels like things have moved up there (Goodness knows where to lol)Feels like nothing at all is peeking at the moment. Just feels kinda normal... But I am worried that when the swelling is gone things might revert to normal as they were before this procedure. That would be mighty depressing. I also worry that having sex might bash something and it might just revert to normal again (Of course i would blame him but that wouldn't change anything lolllllllll)

Question...

If it stayed this way - forever - Do you think you would get used to it and it would then just become normality? Being that it has not exited etc - If it never exited but stayed as it is today - Could you deal with today - forever?

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

That is exactly how I have been feeling since November - It takes over your every thought process - Until something comes in to replace it (Mine - Fear of the Dyskaryosis and the results I am still waiting for)

As you say you would find coping strategies...

Maybe if you just accepted the fact (hard as that is to type and for you to read) that this is how it is - Maybe those strategies would become apparent?

I really think the moment I am Ok inside again and healed from the loop thingy - It will fall back to where it was or... If that doesn't happen then sex will achieve this...

Do - My question is - Do I never have sex again? lol And let it rule my life?

That is not something that would prolly happen. But it is something you cannot get out of your head until you can get a strategy to deal with everyday life.

I am just praying mine stays put where it is - Even thouh it still feels weird in a different way and when I want to pee it feels real weird - But methinks I could get used to that...

I really hope that you can get a way to cope with it

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

Well I had been feeling so good since last Monday I stupidly decided to go on the treadmill a bit...

And I can now say - It's back!

Guess this thing just tries to take away any millisecond of happiness, and moment of freedom.

Guess we are both in the same boat again (Won't know how bad it feels until tomorrow I spose)

Flippin thing.

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I'm responding to your original post here before reading the rest of the thresd so ignore me if I'm redundant : )

you are not alone. you are no less strong than anyone here.

I don't know if my original posts are still archived here, but if you were to read them you would see that I got worse initially too. others on the site were posting about their successes and for me.....nothing. I did not begin to see any positive physical changes until I was doing this for about a year. a YEAR!!!!!!!

it was so frustrating to read about others seeing remarkable improvements after weeks of posture, and though I was truly happy for them, I was jealous and angry too.
normal emotions, all of them.

I do not know why some of us develop prolapse even without having had kids, and some women can have a dozen large babies with no prolapse in sight. I don't know why some pp women with a prolapse bounce back in a matter of weeks and others carry it around for ever after. its the unanswerable 'why me?'

but I'll tell you this; there's a mourning process going on and it must happen. you can't skip stages and decide ok, I'm done I'm ok with this and I will start feeling great as of now. some of us seem to get stuck at one point or another along that journey, again I don't know why.
I think that prolapse does not have a life of its own, I think that it happens in context of the life we are already living. don't know if that makes any sense to anyone, but once I accepted that this was my life now, not something that I could send back or finish with, I started moving towards a healing place (emotionally I mean). and I know I'm not the only one here that sees a connection between my emotional state and the physical state of the prolapse.

and again, 15 weeks, in the context of the years it took in the making, is not very long at all. hang in there, anita

it's just evil the way the symptoms line up and take turns.
I've been so angry at my body. I am now having poss. entrocele
issues from the description. I have to confess an utterly insane
thing I did yesterday... I was so uncomfortable standing ,sitting,
walking. aching misery. I kept getting angrier at this piece of
shit body, interfering in my ability to work and I'm under pressure to
design and execute a project that could end up being significant income.
I went to my shop alone and took a rug beater and put welts up and down
my body. I really did. And not that I'm recommending it ? But some of the
pure rage and loathing dissipated. It was a better move than standing on
the highway, I guess.
So - yeah... I have no idea how to live with this. My husband held
me as I sobbed yesterday. Today he's tail-spinning because
it makes him feel inadequate, not being able to take better care of me.
So today I'm back to feeling that it's more important to suck it up
and muscle through this instead of spreading the load. I'm starting to see
a pattern...
Zelda

Oh Zelda - I don't know what to say - I wish I could comfort you in some way and help to make it right. You are so loved here. I'm sending prayers your way - I don't know what else to do. PLEASE take care of yourself. As others have said elsewhere, improvment sometimes takes a long time. Please give your POP a chance to improve...
Love, GF

I know Louised has also mentioned this elusive phenomenon.
Unfortunately things just continue to descend. I try not to torture
myself with thoughts that if I could have afforded the help things
wouldn't be worsening. If I could have just slowed down. but I can't.
I WILL work to prevent foreclosure. " WILL" is about all I have though,
which is my despair and rage.
Aside from self-flagellation and red wine, I am taking decent care.
Promise. All these lives orbiting mine depend on me. So even when I don't
want to do it for myself, I do it - for them.
Hugs to you, I'm glad we're able to be here for each other. I would be a
real pressure cooker without all your support. Me and Brittany Spears.
Poor thing - does anybody else feel as sorry for her ? I guess I really identify
somehow - must be the losing it part. And the total horror of the whole
world watching. I saw footage of papparazi hounding her. I'm quite sure
they are some of the lowest life-forms imaginable.
Zelda

At the moment my main problem is a vain one (As well as grieving what I have lost) Yes the prolapse is flooring me. I hate it. But it is oh so so very much more than just that. It is inside my disability and everything. Just too much to cope with in a way. I feel pathetic as so many other people are facing life threatening things, that I am not. But they are so strong. That I am not - Not anymore..

I felt better for 5 days. The thought of what might be creeps into your head...

Before i got my disability - My LIFE was exercise. I was training to teach aerobics. Aerobics and strength training is all I wanted to do... I had started to train - Nowhere near finished etc (Hence not knowing everything lol)

Back then my sanity was within my exercise. I know it is vain but I had lost ALOT of weight (7 stone 9 lbs) by finding exercise and learning about HOW to eat eat eat and use food as FUEL and not just for comfort etc.

My comfort WAS the feeling of a strong body a fit body, a toned and a body I loved as I worked so very hard for it.

Now - With this sh*t body I am now plagued with - Alot heavier than my svelte self I still called fat back then.

The dream of gaining strength over this disability that plagues me crept in.

I know I will never run again - My disability took that.
I just wanted to be able to do oh so much more than I can now (Yeah a dream but ya gotta have em) I wanted to be able to leanerize this body - To look like the me I know is inside of this body. - SHE had confidence - SHE was strong - SHE was oh so much that I do not see inside me now. The shell I am now...

Ok babbling crud again...

I nearly wrote my life story then - But deleted it - lol

Either way. I miss ME - I find it very hard to be ME when this body has taken so very much away that which made me - ME.

My mind... Back then inside this head - Exercise left me a place for just ME where the world outside could not penetrate (To exercise effectively you kinda lose yourself within it)

Guess I want too much from life - That which I cannot have...

May as well shut up now cos this is all babble crap...lol

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I'm sorry it came to that. to hurt yourself you must be in a load of pain.
wish I could lighten your load a bit

here in the forum. How we share. How much we reveal. It makes me
think of honesty and the many implications and repercussions of BEING honest.
In what arenas Can we be truly honest ? As we tell our stories - how much
perception really is fiction/ interpretation ? ? What is being honest when we
reveal ourselves ?
Why not keep secrets ? Which leads to How Much shame do we live with ?
I wonder if we sat in a circle at some lovely retreat for Women with POP...
Would we share more or less ? I like to think more, looking into faces and all.
Sometimes it's creepy to think who could be reading our posts.

I struggled with an eating disorder as a young woman. One of the things I learned in
treatment was the power we give away.. the soul-eating power of harboring
shame. Fearing other's judgements essentially. I have for some time chosen to
be fairly naked. People who judge meanly and lack compassion weed themselves out
in short order. People who love me - well ? They KNOW me. There's great comfort in
this.

So MeMyselfandI ? Don't be ashamed. I like you and would LOVE to read your story.
We are all dynamic beings that stumble and fall, are flawed, and goofy.
Zelda

I can't imagine all that you've been through, really I can't. especially because I know you only through this forum and here you appear tall and strong. so it always comes as a surprise to me when you mention your disability, because without seeing your 'shell' as you call it, I would never guess. easy to say its not the shell, but the inside that matters, but the truth is, the state of our bodies DOES matter. and the fear of progression is real, I know I worry about my hearing loss, its a progressive type and no one knows how to predict it or stop it. so the fear gets to you, will I be able to hear my kids voices as they grow? I don't know. will I be able to hear grandbabies one day? will I one day no longer be able to hear my dh in bed?
awful awful thoughts, and yes, they can consume you.
I try to just enjoy what I have while I have it, but again, that is much easier said than done.

my sister's hearing loss has progressed much faster than mine and still she functions somehow, so that gives me some inspiration. she can do it, so will I. and so will you.

{{{{{{group hug}}}}}}

I think we need a vacation, like a WW outing to a warm beach somewhere.

Full of thought and I can't focus outwards. I wish I had enough wiggle-room
to take mental health days with a freeer conscience. DH and Son are out fishing,
I'm so glad. My Dh woke early tossing and turning. His anxieties visit him in the
wee hours, and in that odd balance of marriage I am at my at my best in these
hours. Like here - we take turns picking each other up. i hug him up and tell him
how good it is he's here.

Do any of you find a cycle of selfishness and selflessness with your POP and
family ? I'm aiming at that middle ground. Sure wish I could maintain such a balance.
But , no , I swing to and fro...
Zelda

I am sorry that some of you are suffering so much. My heart really goes out to you all. Zelda, like you, I live in my true colors. I have no energy to pretend.
I want to share this piece with all of you-It is called "THE INVITATION" and was written by Uriah Mountain Dreamer:
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't matter to me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't matter to me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed for fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the lips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitation of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even if it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from ITS presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what you sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Hey Zelda

In your comment with the same subject as this, which elusive phenomenon did I mention? Yikes, what did I say?

Cheers

Louise

I would say that I am pretty honest on this forum. I don't share things like my kids names or my home address- and sometimes I keep details to myself- like most of you know that I had 3 babies in 3 years- but really it's more like 3 in 3 and a half or so-I don't know- I just get lazy and don't feel like writing the half.
I say when I am worried or scared or upset by my ups and downs. I guess I don't share that it makes my hands shake- but I am over that now (at least until something worse happens :)).
I don't really share very much about myself with people I know well so I kinda think this is an interesting phenomenon- since you guys don't "know" me you probably know more about me than most of my family and friends.
Sometimes I am not totally honest when I respond to a post- (like when I don't have anything nice to say). But I am here for the long haul- to report how things go with my next pregnancy and in the years to come - as long as this forum is still active-
I think that is the invaluable part of this deal- I get to read that after so many years so and so's prolapse didn't get any worse- or after pregnancy or whatever- so I hope most women who have posted here and are managing prolapse with the techniques outlined here and in the book will check back in each year and let us all know how they are doing-I know I plan to-

Hi Alemama and everybody else

Not sure where your comment came from but I share your sentiments. It is an interesting exercise for me to go back over my own posts over the 3 1/2 years I have been posting and have a look at the early posts. (Goodness me, did I say that?)

Things are pretty good (prolapse-wise) for me these days, and I can sound pretty cocky about how good it is, but I still have the odd day when I have over-exerted myself and I get that rubbing sensation, and I still get a bit of back pain. Real menopause is still around the corner so I am aware that it may yet fall in a heap, but I am trusting my body a lot more to go back to OK after a rough patch. I'll deal with it when/if it happens. I just hope that my body will live up to my expectations, or I am going to be eating an awful lot of humble pie.

I am right inside my own experience of it, and sometimes I have to be careful not to encourage unrealistic optimism in new members, because I don't wear their body or their life. None of us really knows what will happen in the end. The old certainties of life still apply. Death and taxes, to which I would like to add GRAVITY!

Re the openness of this Forum, it is a really strange idea, sharing your deepest secrets with the world on a public forum, and sharing very intimate experiences with women we have never met (or don't think we have ever met). It is quite possible that my posts have been read by women I know, as I do chuck prolapse and the Wholewoman website into conversations I have with friends, yoga teachers, doctors etc, and I really do hope that they have followed up by visiting the site. Hello, women of Western Australia!!

Goodness me, they will look at me differently once they have read some of my posts about sex, won't they?!! I think I will just get them thinking even more by changing my wardrobe entirely so that it only consists of sensible skirts and twinsets, pearls, short permed hair and low-heeled shoes and stockings in muted tones, 7 days of the week. Perhaps I had better start wearing pyjamas at night as well. Nah, in ya dreams!

Thanks ladies for teaching me so much and helping me to come to grips with POP! None of us knows what the future holds, but the theory is good and I have no reason to say it is wrong. I just hope my posts are honest. I will strive for it in future, anyway.

Cheers

Louise

Hi Zelda

I now think I know what phenomenon you are talking about. Yes, I am better than I was when I was diagnosed. In fact my cervix descended about 12 months ago, actually it became central rather than off to one side, so one side of its supporting fascia must have given way. I would have to be honest and say that I may have helped it down with some of the heavy demolition and brick shifting that I did.

However, even though my cervix is lower (and did get to the point of peeking), I am rarely bothered by my rectocele poking out into my vagina, or the constipation that caused it (and I do still eat dead animals). I think this is because my cervix is now central and occupies a space in the middle of my vagina, so the rectocele and the cystocele are held back by it. My cystocele no longer rubs on my knickers and my cervix now sits about a knuckle inside my vagina most of the time (measured in posture) It just doesn't peek any more. As long as I keep my posture, everything stays inside. If I get examined by a doctor I can make my cervix or bladder descend if they want me to, but I can't really see the point.

So I think the descent is as far as it will go, but I do not notice the presence of pelvic organs in my vagina 95% of the time. Do I still have prolapses? You betcha I do! Are they lower/worse than they were at diagnosis? Cervix yes, bladder, no, rectocele, no. Am I better? You betcha I am! But I seem to have cracked a formula that works for me. I just so wish that others could crack their own formula. I have a feeling that there is an optimum formula for everybody, but I am not sure that the optimum formula will produce as good a result as I have managed to find, as every woman has a different type of damage. I just hope and pray that the women who have not got the results that I have will get there eventually, even if it means waiting until the hormonal stability of post-menopause and accepting that all three organs may need to descend, before you reach that point.

One of the really good things about this Forum is that our stories are chronicled for all the world to see. Our real women's stories are all here and being built on by the day. We are writing about what really happens to real women when we don't go and have repair surgery. We are creating the truth, independently of commercial sponsorship. There are no fairy stories here. Unless the whole site is destroyed without backup, all our stories are here for women of the future.

Cheers

Louise

I am prolly an open book here - The bit I deleted was how I met 'him' and what happened back then - Not being secretive about my life - Cos that would be nothing amazing. I think if you read back my posts you would know that I do not live in a world of secrets! Everything I write on here comes from the 'life' and heart of me. From the teachings that life has brought along with it - Bad or good.

So I am hiding nothing - Bar that which would make you think - Grief - She gabbles on alot about nothing... Nothing of interest too...

So... If you think I do then you are very wrong.

Just thought people wouldn't wanna read about it - As it is nothing to do with POP or anything worth reading at all unless you are an insomniac.

No big secret

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

I'm sorry if the way I worded that sounded confrontational. it truly
was not meant that way. I went back and really think it had that edge.
Sorry. I was reflecting on my own personal way with this sharing of
sensitive info... but I crossed the line. I have no need to question anyone's
comfort level, and to do so would be just obnoxious.

Louised, you continue to crack me up and inspire me. There was much
comfort from your post about the progressive prolapse you experienced,
and that it stabilized. My parts are all flopping around and I wish they would
just find a resting spot. Yes, that is the elusive phenom. I referred to.
It has taken an edge off the utter despair and panic. But not so much the
anger. Nothing seems to help me shift this reaction. i don't want to spend
the rest of my life disfigured by rage.

When healing is the target
Illness is the bow.
What is a bow but a device for the transfer of energy ?
Likewise an illness.

Properly used, an illness turns an outward focus
inward,
Sends energy to where it's needed most.
Transforms fears into strength
Arrogance into humility
Compulsion to caring
cynicism to compassion brings balance to imbalance.

The release of pain over-long denied.

Worldly medicine does the opposite.
It requires the patient to look outside herself
To give her power to another
To maintain control
To invade the body
To deny the spirit.

One who embraces illness as well as health
Embraces the whole of life.
She can offer life
Because she receives life.

from "The Tao of Healing" a gem of a book by Haven Trevino.

Zelda

I LOVE that!
I read that a while ago, thank you for posting it. its the perfect reading for my dh's bday.....I think I'll print that out to add to his card (because after 10 years of marriage I know all the answers to those questions, and they are the right ones : )). THANK YOU

So sorry Anita. Did you read my post to Zelda about shifting your thoughts/feelings? I know it isn't easy. Is there something you can do to nurture yourself right now?

Gosh, if I think back to when I had prolapse for only 15 weeks, I'm pretty sure that it felt like someone died still. I cried all the time too. I really started to look at my newborn and think that it was "his" fault even though I knew it was completely wrong thinking. Until I realized that it was NOT his fault because he didn't choose to be here, I wanted him to be here. Once I finally accepted that this is my body and it's okay that my stuff keeps falling out, is when I got some peace with it. I know that I have good days and bad days. I just try my best to eat healthfully. I still drink my morning coffee with caffeine and eat ice cream on the weekends. I really just try to stick with protein, veggies and cheese.

So, don't give up on yourself. When you are constantly feeling like you are loosing your innards, it feels worse. But, when you just try to accept that it's actually okay to be how you are, it takes such a huge weight off.

By the way, I'm 32 and my prolapses came after my 2nd kid was born and he'll be 4 in august. I'm not sure if you're religious or not, but Psalm 23 always helps me out a lot.

It really helps me to pull my focus in on something small but productive.
Part of that "overwhelming" sense of despair is being "overwhelmed" because
we are climbing the whole mountain at once. I am often amazed at the way a trail
can change your view as you navigate the curves of a mountain. I'm thinking life
is much the same
.
When we climb it all at once-
We say things like "How the bleep am I going to live the rest of my life like this. ???????"

None of us know, but we can know how to spend the next five minutes.

Life is a series of compromises it seems, so we have to LOOK for our joys in between
the lines of our struggles. So find something to do that makes you feel like you have
improved your world in some quickly attainable way.
Try organizing a drawer, it helps me make the shift Stella mentioned - which by the way
were some very comforting words, check out her post to me.

The other thing that really helps me find hope is getting outside, fresh air, breathe deep
and aim your face to the sun, if you have any in England, well maybe fresh air is enough...
Big squishy hugs to you my dear.
Oh - and I'm going to check out that Psalmy thingy afore mentioned.
Zelda

see the thing is those "I can't do this" thoughts happen during transition- So know that you are almost halfway there......(to acceptance) it is a long road. But you will make it- you have no other choice.

About having no choice, I mean - How could I make things worse for the people I love ?
My first serious BF's Mother did the running car in the garage routine (shudder)
when he was 8, and what a deeply troubled guy he was...
I'll be honest - I completely played it out in my mind here this last week or two.
I just couldn't do it, hurt all those people. So we got that out of the way.

I really REALLY like the wise perspective that we have been experiencing "transition".
Even the best natural births make a woman feel that way. We are birthing our new self !
Sure , we're facing our mortality. I keep thinking how I've been hit by the "granny stick".
No, Wolloped.
O.k. -It's been a HELLuva beating.

Most women take their time gradually getting there. We got the granny stick. Apparently
it's reserved for strong women full of spirit. Anita you realize we are on the same timeline with this ?
I often feel that I recognize the varying levels of growth among us. Beyond us are Alemama
and Granolamom, and then Louised and Clonmac and Goldfinch and many others I love and
listen to.

Oh - I've taken great comfort here. And today ? I've been worried about you. I've had a troubled
feeling about Kit since she said Good-bye too.

Do you ever begin to picture how each other look as we get to Know each other's stories ?
I do - I'm super visual , so I can't really help it. You know how I picture you Anita ? Kind
eyes, probly brown, sweet apple cheeks, a little on the shy side, but there's a warmth about you,
you're the kind of person people want to smile at. If you're personality at all shines on the outside
of you, it's something like that. Oh - and you were a really cute cheerleader in high-school. Was
your husband a football jock ? It would explain a lot. tee hee.
Zelda

Ladies!

It's taken me nearly a week to read all the posts. I think I'm done. Still spending an hour here and there to read everyone's latest posts and keep up - because it's so important to me and has become a real part of my life.

As some of you know, my mother died a week ago yesterday. She was 90. We did not have a good life together. I will not miss my mother. But last week was one of the best weeks of my life, and I know that her death was the thing that made it such a fantastic week.

If my mother had rallied, she would be facing a feeding tube. She missed my father so much, and her death was a blessing, so heralding her death is not a bad thing. It was a great death. She had Last Rites on Wednesday, and then on Thursday she died about 11:00 p.m. She looked up as if to say, "Oh it's all true!!!!" and then she expired peacefully. I wish I die that well.

What made it a fantastic week began Tuesday night. I was called to the emergency room at a tiny little hospital of 30 beds way up in the country when she became critical. She was transferred to a private room about midnight when it looked as if she was stable. She was awake, lucid and scared to death. I went home because I get up at 4:30. When I got home, my daughter, Molly, called to say that I was not allowed to go near the school the next day. It was all arranged that the staff would cover for me.

I hadn't even thought about being absent from school. I am NEVER absent from school. I didn't even think about how I would handle my mother dying and my work at school. I figured I would go up when I could, and do the incredible job of death and life all by myself as usual. I have never had help doing anything before, and I figured that I would do this alone as well.

On Wednesday I was free of work, so I went up to the hospital about 9:00 a.m. and realized her kidney had failed, and this was probably the end. I stayed with her all day Wednesday and about 2:00 p.m. my K-1 teacher arrived with lunch for my whole family. I was stunned. She said not to worry about coming in the rest of the week; they had it covered. I was stunned again - like winning two lotteries one after another. I was delighted and it gave me the energy to get through the rest of the day. I was able to make contact with the local priest and Mother got Last Rites. Considering her life - a truly important part of her death.

I called my children, and they all told me that they were arriving to support me. That was unbelievable considering what they had to shift and recreate for me. My daughter here, Molly, who has three children of her own stayed the entire night with me on Wednesday, and we chatted through the night about our lives and so many wonderful things. Her husband took time off to watch their children. I will never forget that night and how much it meant to me.

Katy arrived the next day about noon. It was imminent that death was approaching. Thursday evening with Katy, Molly, my husband and I all standing around her praying the Our Father, she looked surprised and then stopped breathing.

My son and daughter in law arrived on Friday.

I was very concerned about my brother who has been estranged from me for many years. He arrived Saturday and we were re-united. We talked until 2:00 a.m. Saturday about so many things, and he is coming back here for Thanksgiving and he said he would like to retire here.

Saturday evening we had a Mass for Mother and then had a great big party. All my staff arrived at Mass along with some old and dear friends - the support really shocked me. I didn't know I was so greatly loved. The party was catered by my daughter Anne's friend who owns the restaurant she worked her way through college in. The mortician was an old friend who pulled some strings to do this and that for me - so did the parish.

The outpouring of love and affection was unbelievable, and I am so grateful for it. I have never been a whiner or a complainer. According to my brother, I was the Cinderella child. He got everything, and I got nothing which included being written out of Mother's will. But in the end, I got everything. I got a family and group of friends and co-workers who love ME. They didn't come for her, but for me, and on top of that, I have a brother for the first time ever.

I know that for so many women here that the prolapse thing becomes the center of our lives simply because you feel it all day long. It takes control of our well being, our sense of self, our human misery and latches onto feelings of depression, anxiety, mortality, and shame. Truth is, it's just something to get used to. It's not going to fall out - and we can all get used to the feeling in time. It might take a little shifting of habits, but it's not unlike getting used to anything else. If it were a prosthesis of some kind, it would be the same difficulty. If it were losing one's teeth and having to wear false teeth, it would be the same.

The most important part of this forum is the care and love we show one another. I would love to have a party with all of you and laugh and joke and toast the world of flaws. You guys make my day so often, I wish with all my heart I could do something for you and make each of you, especially Zelda and Anita feel as good as I feel this week. It really is all about love.

Judy

Dear Judy,

The passing of your mother has affected me deeply…only because your brilliant sharing about your life with her caused me to feel like kindred spirits with you. I have gained much from learning of your strength and fortitude and I thank you dearly. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to shake the negativity instilled by a childhood spent in anger and depression, and having others as positive role models for that very difficult work is invaluable. The greatest treasures are to be found in healing, as the beautiful reunion you described so perfectly represents.

God bless you and God love our mothers!

Christine

I am so sorry about the loss of your mother.

Look into the eyes - They hold the key...
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

it comes as no surprise to me that you are so well loved
you're so very blessed with loving and supportive friends and family, no doubt your attitude has something to do with that.
you inspire me, you really do
and I'd love to come to your party : )

My sympathy to you on the loss of your mother. Your email touched me deeply, as I just lost my mother a year ago December - she was 87. Thank you for sharing your story with us - as you said, it really is all about love.

Goldfinch

Ladies!

Thank you so much for your continued support. It has meant so much. We were hit with the ice storm you've probably heard about on TV on Monday afternoon just as the troops were leaving. We are still out of school tomorrow, so I'm getting lots done including enjoying this forum.

I would LOVE to gather this summer in Albuquerque and "drop in on Christine." It's probably too expensive for most of us, but what a great summer vacation. I know that Santa Fe - about an hour from Albuquerque - is the vacation spot of the area, so... what about a caravan starting in the east and going place to place to pick everyone up? I know it's a pipe dream, but it's still fun.

Christine, thank you for taking the time to post. I know your life is crazy and it meant so much.

With all the good thoughts, positive moments and uplifting times this week, my prolapse is "Up tight out of sight" and I just have to laugh because it's so remarkably predictable - like a man!!!

Love you so much,

Judy

Thank you for sharing that, Judy(my mother's name too-ha). Not a surprise that you are so loved.
I would love to come to NM(one of my favorite places on earth). Lets all get a big camper!

With such great affection for you Clon !
I'm so happy there was an outpouring of love and support for you.
I am so happy that you've been given such great opportunity to heal
and bring family back together. I leaked tears of joy reading your post.
You are indeed special, and the lucky ones that orbit your gravitational
force clearly know it.

I am so much better now that I've survived "transition". POP has been as bad
as it's ever been today, but milestone of all milestones ? I've had a beautiful
joy-filled day. Anyhow. I can't tell Y'All how proud I am of myself.

I am taking big long strides. You have all helped me gain this new clarity. Gratitude.
Bushels of gratitude.

My new curve is there has been some interest in my house. If and when I sell , it will
be an Enormous liberation (and loss for me - but all for the greater good of my family)
Love,
Zelda

Judy,
My sympathy on the loss of your Mother. Glad you learned how loved you are just for being you.
Flora

Whohooooo! Go woman!

Zelda,

I read with interest your note about the rug beater, and I took a chill. I know those thoughts, and I know what leads up to them. I can only guess that your prolapse is worse because of the stress you are under, and with some good things in the future, it will climb high once again and not be so bothersome.

I'm sorry about the house. I hope you sell it, and I hope you find something you like just as much. It's sad to lose something we have come to think of as ours. They say burying a statue of St. Joseph in the front yard will sell any house. I'm not superstitious, but I have heard that often, and some say it works.

Prayers for you that the stress of all this is over soon and you can return to a more peaceful time.

Thanks for thinking of me.

I always carried a St. Christopher riding motor-cycles.
Now I'll give the St. Joseph a try... I just keep telling myself
that when we are squarely on our path, fortune smiles. Great
things surely await me. My H and I have had break-throughs lately
that are hard to define, but lovely to live with. So ? Hope is
"breaking" through. Deep sigh.
Love,
Zelda