I found this site and wept...

It took me a few weeks after asking the doctor about my symptoms to start looking for information...I was SO upset to hear the truth that I "buried my head in the sand." After the last few years---this was just TOO much for me to process, let alone accept. (Please bear with me, as my story is a bit long...)

I am already disabled (and still in therapy working on acceptance and learning how to re-invent myself.) I have advanced disk disease, degenerative spinal arthritis and permanent neurological damage in my C-spine and thoracic outlet/inlet. I refused to admit anything was wrong and kept "adapting" so I could continue to work---I owned a small business. Stopping meant loosing everything---my home, my property and my business. I couldn't entertain thoughts of slowing down or not doing what I had to do. (Except for severe migraine/cluster headaches I am not a "doctor" person. Once a year for a check up and I'm good to go...)

By the time I sought medical help most of the damage was permanent. I read everything I could find about my conditions and possible treatments---looking for alternatives to the barbaric and dangerous "surgeries" and "procedures" that came up in consultations with all the specialists. I did my homework and refused to let them hack me up knowing that there is/was a 40% failure rate (with more surgeries needed later once I went under the knife.) I have had NO surgeries EVER---stil have my tonsils, appendix, gall bladder, etc.

I tried PT but the underlying conditions made it too painful and was causing more damage. Then I started looking for other alternative treatment. I found a wonderful D.O. (doctor of osteopathy--a physician much like an M.D. but with a different focus.) I've had to greatly 'modify' my Pilates and yoga floor work---and walking 2 miles a day is a thing of the past, of course. (The combination of genetics, twelve years of domestic abuse and years of heavy manual labor have taken their toll on my poor body...)

As my disability is "invisible" (unless I 'over-do') I still had hope of someday being able to meet someone who would accept me and find me attractive. I felt that "at least" I still had a normal female body and may not end up all alone, afterall. But now---to find out about the cystosele (and rectocele) is just too much. I cried for days thinking of myself as just an old 'has-been'---used up, broken, all stretched out and ugly. I am still tiny (5' tall) and wear size ten petite clothing---I still "look" OK---but I know I'm not, really.

I am 47 years old and have had four/eight-nine pound babies---squeezed 'em all out the usual way, did my kegels and tried to stay in shape. I've been married twice--my first husband passed away (two sons with him) and my second husband (two daughters with him) was an alcoholic, violent and physically abusive--I divorced him.

I am (and always have been) a VERY sexual person. My best friend and I joke about how I'm probably more like a guy in that aspect, as I think about it ALL the time!~smile~ My biggest fear is never finding another partner (I've been divorced for over a decade.) I had that little hope inside---until now---I can't even type this without crying. When I found this site I cried like a baby---so grateful to have found others with this problem and 'alternate' ways to live with it. I think this is why we are supposed to already HAVE a partner when these things happen---someone who ALREADY loves us. Who on earth is going to want a disabled woman who ALSO has a 'broken' vagina?!? Why would any man want me or be attracted to me anymore?

My doctor (who I LOVE and has been a tremendous help with my other disability and the chronic pain that comes with it) said I could go to a gynecologist and get a pessarie (sp?)which doesn't appeal to me---or she said I would need the surgery. NO THANKS to the surgery (ANY of them---I have the SWW book and have read the information on this site.)

I've been doing some of the things suggested here (and in the book) and feel a difference already. I don't have to 'go' ALL the time now and have less problems emptying my bladder. (I wasn't sure which was worse---having to go all the time or not being ABLE to go when I knew I had to...) Before, sometimes I couldn't go at all--it was awful. And I'm eating better (so I can poop better---ugh...I can't believe I'm even talking about this..) and that has made a tremendous difference pain-wise. I am going to take the book to my doctor next time I go for OMT and see if she can help me figure out how I can do the posture (or modify it) as (although it is not visible) I cannot hold my shoulder/neck normally much of the time---and I'm very aware through all of this---that everything is connected, and if one part of the spine is 'off' other things shift accordingly.

Thanks to anyone who made it this far---I apologize for being so long-winded. I thank God every day for this site and for all you women who come here to share your strength, experience and hope. It just took me awhile to feel OK about posting here and talking about all this.

Sincerely,
S&G