How to not feel like an outsider

im home alone with kids since friday morning cause he went on the holiday i couldnt bring myself to go on, will be alone til tues, i had the chance to go last month but was too afraid of all the walking and not being able to relax so i told him to go himself, its just to visit his brother but its holland and i didnt want him to miss out so here i am and i have to say im feeling so sorry for myself, its pathetic really but i just dont feel myself anymore.... every hour feels like a day and i dont have anyone to talk to, not an adult anyway....

Anita and Ron,

Not sure how long you've had this, Anita or Ron. I've had this for almost a year. April of 07. What I've found is that for the first few months, I grieved, groaned, and thought that I'd never be able to take the fences in my life either. I didn't do anything. I was miserable, I worried I thought about it 24/7.

Then around Christmas, when the pop seemed about as bad as I thought it should ever get by trying to head down my legs, I had so much work to do I just forgot about it. It was still on my mind a lot, but there were gaps in my worry and gaps in my fears. I was very happy at being able to do a lot for a lot of people I love, and the pop thing just took a back seat.

In January, I began to enjoy our winter and get more involved with things attached to my school and the pop thing just moved further in the background. It was very "there" and I sat a lot and I did have my moments, but it gradually began to seem less important. I thought perhaps I was "getting used to it." It was present, it was annoying, but I could forget about it more and more.

Now only a few weeks later, it seems to be way in the background of my life. I took a fall on the ice, and picked myself up not even thinking about the prolapse. I wouldn't hesitate to jump your fence today, but a few months ago, I wouldn't have even tried. Today I'm going to school to move furniture. I'll let Tom do most of it, but I'll direct traffic and move the lighter stuff.

My self assurance seems to be getting back to where it was.

I'm telling you both this because I think like any injury with disability, the fear and the discomfort do pass. It does get better with time. You do get used to it. It took nine months for me not to think about it every second of the day, calculate my movements, weigh every possible standing episode, and get mad at those around me for not taking over more, but now I don't have to think about that so much. I'm not so worried.

I spent a lot of time cleaning yesterday on my feet and never even considered the pop.

I know it's different for everyone, but I'm sure in time you will digress from the fear and just take it in stride. Something to look forward to. Please remember that you are recovering an injury and learning to handle the permanent repercussions.

Affections galore,

Judy

i am much better than i used to be but it still gets right in the way of me doing some things, i have to carry my baby {21 months} she still needs it, not a lot but still do, my 8 year old though is a big boy, and he fell this morning and i couldnt pick him up, its times like that, that the anger hits hard, i feel so frustrated that i have this at all, another day my partner would be here to pick him up but as he is away i had to make do, i think im just feeling a bit sorry for myself, health wise i get bouts of a couple of good weeks followed by maybe a few bad days, so i probably shouldnt complain it affects all of us different i suppose...

I'm a bit used to that. I've had fibromyalgia for as long as I can remember. back when I was a teenager it had no name and I was diagnosed as 'lazy' and a 'hypocondriac'. but there were plenty of times when my friends would be off hiking or biking or skating or whatever and I had to sit it out due to fatigue and excruciating muscle pain.
so this is just another one of those things for me, only a bit easier, as I find I can control it better.
most days I can do anything I want with the pop, the worst that will happen will be that I pay for it the next day, so I double up the plies and take it easy aferwards. but then again, I'm not a very athletic person (years of being told you are lazy will do that to you!)so I dont find myself in that position all too often.

Hi Anita,
I am an avid bike rider...I even do a weekly 50 mile ride...doesn't seem to bother my POP unless it is already feeling bad...I ride on road and trail but definitely avoid bumps as much as I can.

Anita,

I feel the same way! My husband seems to be the one who entertains the kids these days. He can take them on long cycle rides, camping, long walks, etc. I also rarely go to the cinema with them nowadays because the seats are at a POP-unfriendly angle and there's not enough room to sit crosslegged. And I feel embarrassed (old-ladyish) carrying a hefty cushion in there. It's very frustrating. And the thought of going on holiday...

We had a week's holiday last year and I felt so miserable, because POP came too. Couldn't relax and forget it. It's always there, isn't it?

But a couple of months ago we all walked uphill for half a mile to a local windmill - and I was uncomfortable but I made it there and back. But you know what? Even though it looked like I was not the odd one out, in my head I still felt the odd one out, because I had this discomfort and the others didn't - they could just race on ahead without a care in the world. Unfair, isn't it?

And the kids want me to go camping with them this year. I may try, but the only thing is, there are no bathroom facilities and I need lots of privacy! But they know I have health problems, so if I need to lie down or sit cross-legged they just accept it, which is good.

Regarding cycling, I think I'd need a well-padded seat! I use an exercise bike, but without putting a soft cushion on the seat there's just too much pressure on the area.

Shame we don't all live near each other. We could come for a walk in the woods with you and you wouldn't feel the odd one out!

Beejay

I have known about my prolapse for the last 15 months or more.....all I can say is that it took me time. Time to grow confident in what I could do and brave enough to try stuff I thought might make it worse. A few months ago we went camping. Camping always makes my prolapse worse-and then a friend was going for a run on the beach- you have no idea how badly I wanted to do it. I said no- but at the last minute changed my mind and don't you know it was fine? I could feel it- the whole time - but the beach was so beautiful- and when we got home my prolapse wasn't any worse. When I first found my prolpse I quit picking up my 50 pounder- but now over a year later I do pick her up. My whole body got stronger over the last year- and I found my baseline and how to get back to it. You will get there

The bike seat...you can get a nice cushy gel seat...that is what I use...

Granted I isolated myself terribly this winter. I've had some awkward moments with friends
who had gone X-country skiing and didn't invite me. Maybe even more so for them. The conversation
faltered and I had to muster my graciousness to let them off the hook. It was a gut punch for sure,
and spun me out for a few days.
But most of my pain is right here in the family. I used to love to wrestle and tickle torture and
catch bellies to Zerbert ( the noisy opposite of a kiss -it's blowing out ).
Playing with my dog. Yes there are so many little things that now make us feel like we are on the
sidelines of life.
In the 8 months I've had this I've been so frightened to try things. esp. after trying a hike and
skiing once and suffering so much for it. But I am noticing how short walks in posture improve things
now. It was not so early on as my hips were bothering me so much. Spring IS coming on this side
of the planet and my spirits are perking up. I am going to firmly set time limits on my walks so
I don't overdo and get back to my greatest private joy. Hiking alone in my mountains.

As to bike riding - I've had rides where it was unnoticable, and rides where it was pure misery.
Not sure why. The bad rides were because my labia seemed to be in a constant pinch. I have found
that certain skirts work on bikes and that helps alot. The other thing is the angle your seat and
handlebars put you in. I have two Mtn.bikes, one is more upright for town and I now prefer it. I
think it's the lumbar curve. The other is for banging down the trails. a thing of the past. I have
a gel seat on it and that is helpful. I've thought a shearling cover would be nice too.

Anita I think we have to think in terms of baby steps. I refuse to believe I can't do anything active.
I want you to refuse to believe it too.
Love,
Zelda

Alemama i just posted and also referred to baseline, before I read your post. This has been a helpful concept for me when I have had bad days. It has been comforting to know that I will feel better. By the way since doing the stomach vacuum thing there are times I can barely find my cervix, sadly no change with the rectocele.

yeh about the cervix- I have the same deal- Cervix high bladder forward- rectocele still there- I have been trying different things - so far if I vacuum in and then kegal I can feel the rectocele (weakness in the wall) trying to contract- I can only hope over time the muscles will make up for the lack of facia. I try it standing- sitting and lying down- and try to get a good feel if any of it pulls the rectocele back-
one thing that works a little is to do a series of vacuums right before I go to sleep I can get the rectocele to flatten out and then if I get to just lie there for a few hours it seems to help for a few hours the next morning-
but the thing is it doesn't help any more than sex- and I'd kinda rather do that-

HI anita,
i haven't been posting lately as i've been in a bit of a misery streak, but thought i should check in today.

so true about feeling like an outsider...i feel it when i can't lift the buggy up stairs like i would have before, at work when i can't move the furniture, when i can't hold my baby who needs me anymore. but, I'm getting used to it, and i figure that i have good friends who respect my need to look after my body. they know when i've lifted the baby too much and need to hand him over, and hold him even when he's crying because he really wants me--because they know i need a rest. they lift the buggy for me, take in heavy bags for me, walk a bit slower if i need it.
i think the fact that everyone in my life knows about my POPs means i don't feel like such an outsider, because i've shared with them the why's. i still wish i could do those things, but it's getting easier as time passes and we all adjust. and the fact that i can say to my friends what's going on makes the world of difference.
so hang in there--it will get easier. no, they won't go away, but they do become a bit more of a subtext to life rather than the only focus...
and when you are feeling like an outsider, remember we are all there with you, understanding...

kiki

to have friends that understand, i dont have a group of friends, just one, and as i am 5 foot 9 and she 5 foot nothing, i had always been the bag carrier and furniture mover, she doesnt understand even though i have explained it,and it happened in her house! but 2 years on and i can still be left empting the car boot, getting shopping, baby and 3 other kids all out of the car unless i send my son in to ask her for help! i dont do the heavy moving stuff at home til he comes in, but it really bothers me that before this happened i would do anything for anyone and i cant get a bit of help when i really need it.. maybe i need some other friends? sorry if this is a bit short but its been on my mind

it sounds like you have a lot on and not much support!!!
I know it's so hard when people expect things of us, but i have to say, i've just made the decision that my body is the most important thing and i'm drawing lines. i do empty the car--in 10 trips rather than 1. and i just draw a line of what i won't do, and the way i look at it if people have a problem well, they don't have to make it another 60 years in this body--i do! and if things don't get done, furniture moved etc, oh well. the dust bunnies won't hurt anyone. i blatantly ask for help--as i get out of the car, i right away say to people "can you please...". if i'm pushing the buggy and it's too much i just ask them to push. i hand people my baby, i just do it all. i figure we live in a community and need to live as such which means helping out, and hopefully everyone will understand.

but it has meant making a lot of changes to our lives, and i'm still having to check in and adjust. it is hard...i think we'll all get there in the end. but it does really make us look at our lives, and everything about it... a painful journey, but a journey. but i'm having faith (today at least!!!)

Hi Kiki

I think you have a good attitude to this. When I think about it, there are a few things where I ask for help, where previously I would have just powered on through. This may be part of the causes of my prolapses. There are people who ask for help all the time, or just don't carry heavy objects, or heave around big awkward packages. Do we ignore them and accuse them of being lazy? No, we help them, so it is logical that others can help us. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, a lesson I have only learned relatively late in life.

If the other person doesn't want to help (rarely) or is too busy, they too may have a reason why, or else it is not a task that any woman would normally be able to do. This sometimes stops me in my tracks, but it makes me think, "Does it really have to be done now, or could it wait until DH can help me" (risk of waiting 3 months here, unless I nag!). Even if I cannot carry it, I can usually tip it out of the boot of the car onto a bag trolley and wheel it inside, or roll it end over end to where I want to put it (useful for rocks) or push the piece of furniture or box or heavy object one end at a time, and walk it into its new position.

You just have to suspend 'normal' for a couple of seconds to work out that there may be five different ways of accomplishing the task.

It depends on whether you are an "I can" person, or an "I can't" person, and how patient you can be, and how creative you can be.

Having said that, it would be nice if there was someone you could ask to have a bowel movement for you, but it kinda doesn't work like that! ;-)

Cheers

Louise

you are right--this is a lot about creative thinking!!!
and being women, we are all fab at that... ;-)
but really, it is about rewiring our brains. i am a DO IT NOW! person. well, i'm becoming a "do it when it can get done" kind of person who is really having to slow down with some things. and you know, it's not too bad. with my older son we were always out and about going places. with no. 2, i can't carry the buggy up / down train stairs, so we spend more time at home rolling balls and enjoying taking shoes in and out of the cupboard. and it's magic. so i'm learning lots as we go...

kiki