How to dig myself out of a hole??

Submitted by wenz on April 17, 2008 - 7:15pm
Body: 

Hello, some of you know me already. Because I find the collective wisdom of the women here so great, I wondered it you'd help me with an emotional issue I have. As some of you know, I separated from my ex two and a half years ago (almost exactly to the month). Unfortunately, I seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place with him - basic scenario is, when we get together for a coffee/chat, I end up at some stage getting hysterical - ie crying, yelling and begging him to come back etc. I just seem to be sucked into that like into a whirlpool when I see him because he still has such an effect on me, plus I'm vulnerable (not having re-partnered yet) and I'm also susceptible to depression. I have on occasions (only a few times) had sex with him too since he left. That has made things worse for me as you can imagine. I think Louise has given me good advice about this situation before but I just feel the need of your help at the moment. He has had another partner since he left me but says that he does not "love" her although they have a "very close" friendship, which includes sex apparently. He says they are unlikely to ever marry (nor do they live together). He says my hysterical "outbursts" have made him even less inclined to ever come back to me, and that although he was thinking about it at one stage earlier, he doesn't think it will ever happen now. I know I can't hang on to this damn heartache forever, plus am mad at myself for not being further down the track with moving on, but I am so vulnerable to him - I just can't act rationally around him for long. I have found the only thing that brings me some peace is to cut right down on contact with him. Lovely ladies, if you have any words of wisdom for me, I'd be so grateful.
Cheers,
Wendy

louiseds

April 17, 2008 - 11:08pm

Hi Wenz

I am so sorry you are still bound up in this. I am afraid the only way for you is through the inevitable pain and heartache of blocking his number on your phone, tear his number out of your address book, chuck out everything that you associate with him. Paint your bedroom and get a new bedspread that only you can love. Move house if need be to start again. He is an addiction, or an obsession, yes? Only one way to deal with those. Cold turkey. You have tried slow suffering and gradually giving him up and it hasn't worked. He is still chewing up your life and your future.

Literally physically casting off your associations with him will be a hard process, and it probably won't happen overnight. There will be things that you want to cling to like a life raft. Put them back in the cupboard until you are ready to chuck them. Work on the small things first. When you have heaved the last of those objects in the big green bin you will know you have done the hard work and accomplished the task. You may never get to the last few objects. The task may just go down the priority list because it becomes less important in your life, until it really is at the bottom of your priorities. Then twelve months later you will open the cupboard and find them, and say to yourself, "What the hell did I keep these for?" I need the cupboard space, and out they go ...

This is important, probably for both of you. Obviously he has not completely moved on as well, or else he is playing some sadistic game with you. You are both stuck in the past. Either way, you both need to get each other out of your systems.

Think about it, Wendy. If this was happening to your sister, what would you be advising her to do? If it was happening to me, what would you be advising me to do?

You are strong enough to deal with this. Don't let your feelings get in the way of doing what is good for you. Have some respect for yourself. You cannot put a healthy self out there and look for another partner with him metaphorically hanging around your neck like a millstone.

(((Wenz))). So glad you aired all this. It has been a long time.

Louise

a6a25725

April 18, 2008 - 1:59am

Hi Wenz,
I think you need to get involved in a hobby or some activity
you enjoy and try not to think about your ex, so much.
Don't go for coffee with him and when (if you must)chat with him
try to keep the chat impersonal.
Perhaps a class or reading material about boosting your self esteem
would help you to realize that you don't necessarily need a man
to make you whole. Not that it isn't nice to have a man in your life,
but you need one to complement you and your strengths.
You should make a list of what is nice about yourself and what you would
like to change and work on them, one at a time. Perhaps some
counselling would help.
Remember a good woman is hard to find, and you are a good woman.
Take care.
Regards,
Flora

wenz

April 18, 2008 - 4:40am

Hi there, thank you so much for your replies and very very good advice. I intend to take it. I am away on holiday tomorrow and won't be near a computer but will catch up with WW when I get back.
Bye for now,
Wendy

granolamom

April 21, 2008 - 8:41pm

is your contact info on? tried to send you a message but couldn't

was once in a very different but similar situation, just don't want to share much about it online. email me if you want.

but I hope you can somehow get your heart back from your ex. sounds like he's not worthy of holding on to it anymore. you deserve more.

jb

April 22, 2008 - 6:50pm

No meeting for chats...no non-essential contact. It's the only way! Reach out to friends, try to get excited about something/someone else. You're officially on-the-market! You must move on. This man sounds manipulative. He knows you're still stuck on him. If he were a good guy, he'd refuse to have intimate contact with you. There ARE nice men out there who would love your attention.

drmayogini

April 22, 2008 - 7:52pm

Hi Wendy,
i experienced a lot of the pain your going through about 30+ yrs ago until i
took Werner Erhard's "est" training. Now there is the kinder, gentler version called "Landmark Education" to help people lead happier and healthier lives by becoming at "source".

It's based on several philosophies, the most important being Zen Buddhism.
The Buddha taught that "attachment to our desires can create suffering (everything
has a price!)...and that the love you are seeking (desire) can be found "within".
Without making your "X" wrong (there must be something good about him because you care about him)...ask yourself "what is it i'm getting from this relationship, what do i"need"?
...the answer will tell you what your "attachment/desire" is.
The next step is to take responsibility for it...it is fruitless to expect other's to fulfill your needs/desires...you need to be at "source".
This should free you to "create" the relationship you want.
Look inside yourself and see the beautiful loving soul that you are, and let this be your
shining "light"...that will bring love to you like "moths to a lightbulb".

i hope this helps some, it's difficult to share with you a whole philosophy in one
post!
If you are interested, you can visit www.Landmarkeducation.com and see if this is
something that could help you move through your pain.
You're in my prayers with love, linda