How can I feel positive about my undercarriage?

Submitted by sarebear on May 1, 2008 - 8:52am
Body: 

I am so British I cannot even bring myself to call my lady bits by their proper name! I feel that my culture and upbringing stand in the way of loving and accepting my body. I feel I have come a long way with accepting my prolapse, but I still feel completely grossed out by what is going on "down there". I am 35 and my prolapse symptoms appeared during my second pregnancy. I felt traumatised and despite having no support from the medical professionals I went on to have a fantastic labour. I put this down to having a doula and the Whole Woman website provided such invaluable moral support - thank you to all of you that contribute to this excellent website for that.

I was watching a Channel 4 television programme last night called "Embarrassing Bodies" and it featured a lady who was suffering from what was described as a "sagging vagina". This poor woman described how she had not had sex in over a year because she felt so appalled by her body. Her husband didn't look too impressed either! In response, the so-called experts put her in stirrups (yes on national television) and had her cough. Yes, we saw in full glory her prolapse. I was quite shocked on two counts. Firstly, my own reaction of horror and the realisation that I have not yet got acquainted with my own prolapse. Secondly, the glip response from the doctor, pretty much on the lines of "yes, it is quite disgusting, you've bits of leaking urine and faeces and shouldn't put up with it. Go and see your gyneacologist who will give you a quick nip and tuck, problem solved!".

There was no mention of the risks involved with surgery or that there could be other ways to deal with the condition. There was also no real acknowlegement of the emotional aspects - I suppose this would not fit nicely into a soundbite! After the shock I felt quite angry and have sent an email to Channel 4 to complain - for what good it will do. At least I might feel a bit better.

On reflection, I wondered whether my anger had more to do with my own uneasy feelings about my prolapse. Does anyone have any special tips or ideas to help me feel a bit friendlier towards my vagina - see I said it!

Thank you!

louiseds

May 1, 2008 - 10:09am

Hi Sarebear

Oh my! Welcome to the Forums. I can see you're not one of newest members, so you have obviously read quite a few posts, and probably some of my more 'earthy' posts. Hope I haven't offended you in any way.

Sarebear, I have been where you are now in a couple of ways. I found my prolapses after my second pregnancy and went on to have a third baby, also vaginally, with no worsening for many years after that. I am 55, and that was 23 years ago. They have worsened more recently for various reasons (that I won't go into now), and I am now a seasoned survivor, and a thriver too!

At the age of 35 I had probably only had a serious look at my vagina about three years previously. In spite of my wide knowledge of pregnancy and birth, 56 months of breastfeeding and a couple of bouts of very dehumanising infertility treatment I never really got a mirror out and had a good look at the external parts of my genitals until I was near the end of that second pregnancy. It didn't seem to be my business, only the business of those wielding speculums and PAP smear kits. My husband wasn't very adventurous, erotically-motivated or imaginative with lovemaking either, so it was all a bit of a no go zone. I was never very adventurous as a single young adult either in spite of all the free love of the 1970's.

It think it was probably when I was about 48 that I developed an interest in sex for fun, and started to explore my own body externally and internally, and eventually explained it to my husband. (I can hear all the regulars laughing out loud at this. I think perhaps they think that I have been obsessed with sex since I was a teenager. Not true. I was a bit of a puritanical prude, but the genie finally excaped from the bottle!) Hubby took a while to 'get it', but is coming along nicely now.

I came from a rather proper family, who never used the correct words for sexual parts. I think it was that generation, but come to think of it my parents never talked about sex or making love with me, or about making babies, or periods or anything. I just got the little Johnson and Johnson booklet and a very good set of encyclopaedias for my 12th birthday. The encyclopaedias were very well used for many years. I think Mum and Dad bought them for me because I was always asking questions they couldn't answer, and I still ask difficult questions. Just ask Christine Kent!! It was indeed as if I was the result of their only copulation, and I am an only child, so it is indeed possible, though I admit not probable! ;-)

I suggest that you start to explore your genitals, your vulva, your clitoris and your vagina, and your anus, with your fingers. Be sensible about hygiene after feeling around or in your anus.

"Oooo!" I hear you thinking. It's your body! You have a right to know what is there, and it is also good self care to know what is normal and what is not. Have a feel while everything is OK, then you will have a benchmark if anything changes. Remember that they are only your body parts. Nobody has the right to touch them except you and anyone else you invite to touch them. Same rules as we all need to teach our kids.

Do this when you have absolute privacy. Keep an accurate diagram handy so you can relate the words to what you feel, and name them quietly to yourself until you are more comfortable with using them. Get comfortable, close your eyes and experience what the different parts feel like, the different textures, wetness, and temperature, the muscle contractions. Note the sensations you feel in your genitals when you gently touch your pubic hair, your labia, large and small, outside and inside, your clitoris and its hood, around the entrance to your urethra (where the urine comes out), around the entrance to your vagina and in your vagina. Feel up further for your cervix. Then lastly feel your perineum and around your anus, and inside too when you are ready, maybe not just yet.

Bear down slightly and feel inside your vagina what your prolapses do. Do this standing, sitting and lying and feel the different positions of your bladder (through the front wall of your vagina), your cervix and your rectum (through the back wall of your vagina). Do this standing in posture and not in posture, and feel how the positions of your organs changes. Get to know your prolapses and relate them to the diagrams and pictures you see. You will probably never fall in love with your prolapses, but at least they will not be a mystery to you any longer, and you will understand what the women on the Forums are talking about, much more clearly. Once you are familiar with all this it will help to dissipate fear and shame, and you can get on with life.

Then try it all with a mirror, so you can see what you previously felt only with your fingers.

Do some Googling about sexual organs and have a look at them. Goodness me, how different we all are. Just remember they are all just body parts, and they are probably all very normal. You may have to trawl through porn to find good educational sites, but it is worth it to help you to get used to seeing the human body for what it is. You should be able to tell from the 'tone' of the site whether or not to delve further. You may come across some unpleasant things, but the really horrible ones are usually buried behind secure shopping sites, so you will need a credit card to access them. I wouldn't bother. You will see tits and bums. Oh yes, penises and scrotums full of testicles too, no doubt! Some will be au naturel, some will be 'enhanced', either with Photoshop or Viagra, but they are all just tits and bums, penises, scrotums and pubic hair, after all.

After all this you might feel like a nice cup of tea, then you might feel comfortable enough to use the proper words talking about them with your partner when you are making love. Tell him what you have found. Teach him, if necessary. It is for your mutual benefit, after all. He is probably a babe in the woods. Don't let him stay that way. It's time he grew up!

Sarebear, I guess it took some bravery on your part to even post your topic. I take my hat off to you. It is not easy to connect with your body and become familiar with it if there have been influences in your life which have discouraged you in the past.

I would not for one moment suggest that you do all this the same day, but there is nothing wrong with you if you do. You have a lot of lost time to make up for. ;-)

These are just suggestions to help you to make friends with your genitals and other parts of your body, and to learn to speak freely about them.

Hope they are helpful. Apologies if it all grossed you out even more.

Cheers

Louise

MeMyselfAndI

May 1, 2008 - 10:10am

I am sorry you are having problems. What prolapse do you have?

I think her hubby will be a bit more non plussed as I am sure she said near the end that she could just about get a tampon in there now - so his P**** isn't gonna fit is it...

I really feel like women get a dis-service on TV and everywhere with this.

I was texted from London while this show was on and he said 'Maybe this will be the answer to your problem' I thought HE would have listened to me and know this is NOT the answer - But no... Obviously I was talking to myself and unheard. Yes he wondered why he got the reply with the word a**h*le in it. Why do men think everything is fixable by surgery.

(Also I was sure they did a midline Episiotomy - Which will no doubt cause problems)

I think that prolapse acceptance is like a death acceptance - You are very angry - Hurt - You hate the body that let you down. You cry scream and cry more. You go through a whole myriad of emotions. Eventually and hopefully you come to a point where you can - Maybe not accept it 100% and be happy - But accept it and move forwards.

Have you tried the sea sponge?

I hope that you can find a way to get through this - I myself went through a terrible time for a while - But somehow I got it back together.

It annoys me that we are told it is 'A little op' when it is not, it is major surgery and they do not mention what may happen afterwards - Also they did not mention her uterus - So seeing how sheis a year later would be an eye opener and a few years later...

4 weeks post op she would still have swelling and prolly feel not too bad - I had a cystoscopy and cervix hacked up for CIN3 this year and I was swollen for a mnth and because of that felt prolapse free for that time - Which was great, until the swelling went down....... (To be honest after that swelling went my prolapse felt worse that it had before!)

I hope you can gain some help to get through this - I am also in UK so I know what it is like here with Doctors and their 'code words'

Sometimes you are holding someone else's heart whithin your hands. You can drop that heart & bruise it. You can squash that heart & hurt it. Or you can stomp on it & totally annihalate it. You stomp on that heart or bruise it. It can forever be changed.

sarebear

May 2, 2008 - 7:32am

Hi Louise

I feel quite emotional writing this. I feel very happy and heartened to know that there are other women that truly understand. I feel a bit sad too. Perhaps I am still going through a grieving process as you mentioned. Your words make so much sense Louise. I can sense that you have worked hard to reach this level of understanding and acceptance. I suppose I am just starting out on the journey.

You have been so generous with your ideas and suggestions. I really appreciate the time and trouble you have taken to respond. I feel as if I have a strategy now and that I can take positive steps to help myself. I can see how important it is that we take time to care for ourselves. With two small children I do find this hard, but I know I owe it to myself and them to get to grips with all of this.

I would like both my daughters to value and accept their own bodies, but how can I expect them to when I have problems with my own? I think part of this has to do with ideals about beauty and perfection. Only yesterday I was having a discussion with my 5 year old about the notion that beauty is not the same as kindness and goodness. We discussed the stepmother in Snow White and Cinderella's sisters. I'm digressing now....

I don't think I am ready for the mirror yet. It has really helped to think about getting to know my prolapse in manageable stages. I will start with the self exploration bit. I hadn't thought before how helpful it might be to involve my husband. Thankfully he is very understanding. He is a rational thinker and would approach it with a clear head and with compassion. Perhaps we will open a bottle of wine and look at some information online together. It might be fun!

My youngest daughter is now 14 months and it took a while to get back in the saddle sexually speaking. It was really the section in Christine's book that helped me, particularly when she speaks of sex being beneficial to the sexual organs. This almost
became a mantra when I felt myself getting anxious about getting intimate.

I feel I have so much to learn Louise. I wish I had the time to trawl through all the postings on the forum. I bet there is so much valuable information. I guess I need to accept that it is going to take time to build up my knowledge. I feel so fortunate that there are such super switched on women out there so willing to share their wisdom and experience.

Thank you so much again.

Best wishes

Sarah

louiseds

May 2, 2008 - 7:53am

:-)

Louise

sarebear

May 2, 2008 - 8:00am

Hi there

It's so annoying when people assume that surgery is the quick and easy fix. It sounds as if you have had really awful time and it must hurt when friends are less than understanding. Maybe he was trying to acknowledge that he knows you are suffering albeit in a clumsy way. Female friends can be equally insensitive. I simply don't talk about it to anyone about it anymore. It can feel quite lonely as a result. Thank goodness for this forum!

I have both a rectocele and cystocele. I have good and bad days, often dictated by my cycle and how much I have lugged about my 14 month old baby. I suffer a lot with lower back pain and aching legs. Some days it feels as if I am walking through treacle. Emotionally I have strong and vulnerable days. I try to be philosophical. I also feel I have a lot to learn. How do I find out more about the sea sponge?

Best wishes

Sarah

MeMyselfAndI

May 2, 2008 - 9:38am

The sea sponges can be bought from seapearls.co.uk

I use them and after getting used to them they are great (you can trim them smaller if they come too big to be the right size for you) basically they are soft natural tampons but they have a great secondary useage for us as a pessary WE are in control of...

Good if you have a day when you are going to be stood up alot etc...

You cleanse them with tea tree oil etc (info in with the sponges)

They last from 3mths to 6 or more months depending on useage...

Hope that helps.

Sometimes you are holding someone else's heart whithin your hands. You can drop that heart & bruise it. You can squash that heart & hurt it. Or you can stomp on it & totally annihalate it. You stomp on that heart or bruise it. It can forever be changed.