Fabulous - 5mos Post Partum and There's Finally An Answer. Now What?!

Submitted by allsmiles on August 29, 2008 - 12:34am
Body: 

Well, I'll start off by saying, I've been reading quite a few posts since I found out about my prolapse and I just thought I'd share my story... and hopefully it gets better from here.
I cannot believe the pain I am in. Constant and torturous.
I am 37 and have recently given birth to a beautiful baby girl who truly is the light of my existence at this dark and craptastic time.
During pregnancy, I was plagued with lower back issues and pain like nothing I had ever experienced and I attributed that to just being pregnant. Then I noticed a bulge - I attributed that to being overweight and pregnant, you know, the weight of the baby and all... but it never went away.
I had a very difficult birth experience that involved an epidural that did not take, local anesthetic that was ineffective for the huge episiotomy and an inability to deliver the placenta on my own. The OB had to go in manually and remove it - and keep in mind, with no anesthetic. And while pushing for the hour and a half, one of the nurses pointed out to an intern "See the rectal bulging there?"
I thought 'what are they talking about? what's THAT?!'...but I never thought to ask.
Since the birth of the baby, I have been plagued with terrible bowel movements that range from diarrhea to extreme constipation. I could never figure out why... and since giving birth, this 'bulge' has protruded from the vaginal opening. After 5months of this, I finally decided to do a bit of googling. I had a hard bulbous bit of tissue protruding from my vagina - small and about the size of a grape, that prompted me to do a bit of research... and it led me to the idea of Rectocele. :-/ Terrific. There were no answers to the hard bulbous tissue, so I called my OB right away and he saw me the next day. Upon examination, he confirmed the suspected Rectocele and then told me the bulbous tissue was granular tissue that had gotten overzealous in healing from the episiotomy scar. Well, I'm so glad that something is overzealous about me -because I feel like total and utter crap most days.
I have no support at home as my husband is working 2 full time jobs at this point and cannot be here for me when I need him most. Housework is dependent on him for the most part and my lower back feels like a vice grip has been in place forever. I can't think of a time before the pain. I feel like it's always been like this, and it will never, ever be good again.
The attempt to be strong through such trying and difficult times had taken a toll on my marriage and my inner strength. My husband cannot believe or understand the constant pain I am in without relief. And at this point, I'm quite sure he thinks I'm faking it.
I am exclusively breastfeeding, so taking painkillers is just not an option. I find myself slipping into self pity and depression just thinking that tomorrow will be exactly the same as today. Pain filled with a few bright spots that involve my baby. She is the only thing that is keeping me going at this point, and the thought that if I can't get through this some how, some way - I have failed her.
It's like my vagina has decided that after 37yrs of service, it's retiring and giving up the ghost - punching the clock if you will. I can almost hear it saying "See ya later, hope you got some mileage out of those tires, cause this car isn't goin' round that track any more". The last time I had sex was 1/2 way through my pregnancy, so that would be... at least 9-10 months ago. I just cannot stand the way that I feel in the girlie bits - like a bowl of warm jello. How can that be anything of a turn on? I pity my husband and I feel like the emotional baggage I came into the relationship with just got some more pieces for the collection. :P
I can in all honesty say, I have never ever, through all my crappy life, felt lower.
My OB tells me that surgery is not an option as there are more cons than pros, and that's fine.
I need to lose weight - however, breastfeeding is very important to our family and any more than a pound a week is not recommended... thus making the ability to take some of the strain off is greatly reduced.
I cannot even go for a walk around the block without agony and wanting to just cry from the sheer torturous pain.
Not to mention - who wants to chat about a Rectocele or Cystocele over coffee and biscuits? Anyone? No? Oh, I don't understand! Geez.

So. That's it in a nutshell. No help, no hope, no normalicy any more. I had big plans for my year off work for maternity leave. I had Mommy Playgroups lined up, Kindermusic, travel etc. Now, I'm housebound. At the mercy of good friends and their time tables and my husband. I have never, ever been dependent on anyone. This is one bloody tough pill to swallow I tell ya, bitter and vile all in one awful dose.

How does one move on? Does anyone ever get over this? I'm sure that I can't be the only one that is raging about this!!
And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm such a freaking downer to my friends and family. I'm sorry to the people here that have read my post - but I just can't keep smiling any more when I feel like I am a fraction, less than half, the person I used to be because of this crap.
I have nowhere else to turn and I just hope that I can keep on keepin on at this point.

granolamom

August 29, 2008 - 7:13am

I've only got a moment, kids are bound to come looking for me soon

but you need some serious support sweetie. sounds like this is your firstborn? adapting to motherhood is enough to do a job on anyone, it changes who you thought you were, your place in life, etc. and not always in a good way. I had a hell of a time figuring it out. and prolapse can do that to you too, even when you aren't postpartum. put 'em together, and double whammy.

I'm going to skip to the end of your post right now. how does one move on?
try, please try, to believe me. I was able to move on. I spent ALOT of time crying, mourning the loss of my cute and perfect vulva. but at some point I began to feel sexy again. normal again. whole again. and with the posture and firebreathing the bulge began to go away.
today, about 3.5 years later, I can honestly say I don't care about my prolapse. ya, the bulge is still there if I go looking for it, but I don't because it doesnt impact my life. the pressure is gone, I'm fully continent and sex is good. I've even had another baby. life is good.
and yours will be too.
right now you are in a scary dark place, but I was there too (really I was) and I came out the other side. we're here for you to lean on as you find your way. Its a journey, and it involves a grief process, but please try to see a small glimmer of light and hope in my post. on this site are some very concrete ways you can support your healing and learn to take control and stabilize your prolapse. that is nothing short of empowering! you can do this! not today, probably not this week. it takes a while, but what else are you doing?

don't be sorry for being a downer here. we get it, we know your pain. I'm happy to read any complaints you feel like typing because the women here read all of mine when I first got here. and that pretty much saved my marriage, lol.

ok, the kids are calling.
I'll try to check up on you later.

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

and congrats on the new baby!

louiseds

August 29, 2008 - 11:21pm

Hi Allsmiles

What a positive individual you are. I am sure you will make your way through this OK. Congratulations on your new baby. Enjoy. I can only concur with all Granolamom's comments. Sounds like the birth was 'pretty difficult'. Really, all you can do is move on, and plan differently for next time. Your body will be in recovery phase for at least 12 months, during which time everything will go back to its normal size, so don't think you will always be like this. I am not medically qualified, but I do know that the pudendal nerve is seriously squashed during every vaginal birth which can cause lack of function and pain. It does usually recover spontaneously, usually in a few weeks after birth and become less of a problem over time. Pudendal nerve entrapment (see www.tipna.org) causes pain in the areas you describe.

Wholewoman posture should have a positive effect on a sensitive pudendal nerve because it flops all those postpartum jello pelvic organs forward, which in turn takes the downward pressure off the pelvic floor and the perineum. The perineum can then rise up a bit which means that it is no longer stretched downwards. Once it is no longer stretched downwards it can move freely within the spaces it passes through, so is less irritated by everyday movement. Does this ring any bells with you?

You are dealing with a lot of pain though! I am wondering if you have had any physiotherapy or seen a chiropractor, as this is now longstanding and started during your pregnancy. No doubt pre-existing inflammation in the lower back would aggravate pelvic nerves postpartum. The nerves that control your bowel all come in via the spine and sacrum. Troubled nerves do not work properly. You might find it is all connected. Please follow whatever avenues of therapy you feel comfortable with. You shouldn't be suffering like this.

Yeah, excessive body weight may be a factor too, but slow weight loss will be the way to go, so please don't give up breastfeeding for a quick weight loss opportunity.

Best wishes

Louise

allsmiles

August 30, 2008 - 9:48pm

Thank you Granolamom and Loise, I really do appreciate your responses and support.
I have had chiropractic treatment, but I have had a setback in getting to the appointments since my husband is now working the 2 jobs :-/ . I hadn't realized how much it was helping until a few days ago when I walked through the mall and had to stop and sit every few stores. I have an appointment next week with him.
And as for Physiotherapy - I think that is my next course of action to see if I can't get some relief at least for the pain.
I do think that living with this constant pain is something that has contributed to my gloomy state of mind. I used to be so active and vital. Now, instead of being able to do things for myself and get places, I have to rely on others. It's very humbling - to say the least.
I'm off to see this Firebreathing your speaking about and investigate the posture. I would just love to be able to spend the rest of my maternity leave doing 'stuff' with my daughter. I don't want her earliest memories to be of our apartment walls :P
I have joined WeightWatchers, where the plan is 1lb per week max for weight loss - and that's fine. I was just hoping for something faster to be able to keep me motivated. I find that 1lb a week is just so darn slow. But, if I put it into perspective - over a year that could total 52lbs... so, not so bad I guess.
Thank you ladies again. I really look forward to getting to know the community and participating in a much more positive way.
If anything, it's a comfort to just know that I'm not alone in this struggle.
(and that I have an excuse for a weekly massage in home now ;) )
Cheers,
L.

kiki

September 2, 2008 - 3:58pm

you've had so much wisdom here, no much more to say!
but it definately sounds like that level of pain is more than prolapses cause for most women. I had backache at the beginning (which accupuncture thankfully sorted), but it was quite mild. sounds like other stuff going on.
As for weight, it does and will shift. as you say, 1 lb a week is 52 lbs a year--wow! and that's how it stays off. fast weight loss comes back. slow weight loss is about lifestyle changes that stick.

but, i will say--i really shifted my eating for dealing with my rectocele, and as a result have lost weight without trying. i cut out everything that could cause constipation--chocolate (and i was addicted!), dairy, most sugar, and excessive carbs (i'm already gluten free). I increased fruit / veg to about 9 servings a day, and really increased my pulses. it's helped my digestion, and thus my body.
i would agree about not stopping feeding--it's such a blessing to you and your baby! and it's for such a short period of your life (even if you keep going for a few years...)
there are some pain killers that are breastfeeding safe if you feel comfortable taking them, but i know people have diff't views on that.

good luck finding the root of your pain...i do hope you can find relief, as that will help on so many levels!

kiki