Newbie, newly post partum, in a deep dark place need some rays of hope

Submitted by QualaK on August 27, 2008 - 3:28pm
Body: 

Hi Ladies,

I've been a lurker for a while, and after reading the posts, I ordered STWW second ed and I finally decided to join today. I'm 4.5 weeks post partum. And at three weeks pp after feeling that things just weren't quite right I took a mirror to myself and saw two bulges. At first I thought that's my cervix but after remaining calm I noticed that it was most likely my bladder and rectum falling inwards. After a little further examination I noticed that I also had my cervix very low like one digit inside my vaginal opening. Anyway ever since then I have been in a major funk. I have a 3 year old at home as well as my new born and I love them both to death but this is just consuming me. I cannot eat, but I force myself to because I'm nursing my son but just yesterday and today I've noticed that it seems my milk supply may be dipping off since I've become so stressed over all of this. My thoughts aren't even in order.

Well, the birth of my second son was unmedicated hospital waterbirth. I pushed for 2 hours and was king of on my back but in a floating way. He came out face up as well. I know that all of this caused tremendous trauma to my body and I'm not sure that it will ever recover or if it will to what degree. I hate not knowing the asnwers and I know that no one has a crystal ball. I've been away from my church for so long and I want to run back there but I'm afraid to go and sit for so long in fear that I'll make things worse. I'm trying to implement the posture (I used to have a retroverted uterus so maybe it will take longer than usual for improvement, maybe 2 months before I see anything noticeable with the posture?). I wonder if I'm doing it correctly. It doesn't seem that hard almost close to how I used to stand but I always held my stomach muscles in and I'm finding it difficult to relax them. It's from the ribs to the neck that I'm not sure I'm doing properly if that makes sense. I used to slouch a lot so I'm sure that doesn't help my current situation either.

Anyway after discovering all this I rushed into my midwife who was very calm and said that she's seen this before and she's also said that it's fairly common for women who have had large babies (my little one was 9#) and pushed as long as I have and that it was also common for them to heal. Well, I'm not 100% convinced of that and even if I did heal would I have a recurrance when I'm older. We had wanted a large family but with this deep dark depression that I've sunk into I can't see myself having another. I've read posts where women go on to have more and some even get better but I fear I would be so worried the entire pregnancy. My midwife has been nothing short of supportive as well. I can turely say that I love her and she has called me twice since I went into her with my hanging organs (don't know what the degrees are) and she has calmed me and helped me in some super dark times. I go to a urogyn on Fri just to see what he has to say. I don't want surgery but maybe they have some advancements or some new studies, who knows. I'm prepared that he'll offer surgery but not prepared to go down that route. My mother had a hysterectomy because she had to have one and has had no problems with it whatsoever but I don't want that for myself. While I feel Broken right now at least I'm whole.

My husband has been nothing short of wonderful. I really don't do anything around the house except for take care of the kiddos, I no longer lift my 3 year old and that depresses me. When I'm not starting a wash, I don't put them in the dryer or take them out or fold and put away, or getting lunch or a quick dinner I've been laying down, not sure if that's making things worse? But DH has been doing it all most days and going to work. I seem to have to force myself to eat every meal and some days my DH comes home to make sure that I am eating. I never used to have a problem eating. Now I'm afraid of losing weight for fear that I could make this worse. We live far from family so I don't have anyone I can lean on for help around the house. Sure I have friends who would lend a hand if I asked but they have families too and I can't seem to be able to get the words out to ask for help. I feel all over the place. Yesterday after reading a little exerpt from the STWW about a woman Lysa who saw drastic improvement after 5 weeks post partum I had a great deal of hope. But then after searching for her posts she just disappeared after a few posts and it would be so wonderful if these women who inspire hope in women like me would at least stick around or post a follow up as to how they are doing. It would make the transition easier I feel. I'm not blaming anyone just looking for that ray of light in my darkness. I love my babies and wouldn't trade them.

I feel broken if anyone has any inspiring stories, I would be thrilled to hear them. I've tried to search for some but for fear of reading something that I cannot handle right now I'm hoping for some positive responses soon.

I thank you ladies, you've been a comfort even though you weren't aware of it. I'm sorry my post is all over the place. I don't seem to get much time through out the day and my thoughts are so all over the place.

granolamom

August 27, 2008 - 5:16pm

don't know how much time I have right now, but wanted to at least begin responding to you.

right now you need a whole lotta love. sounds like your dh is WONDERFUL. but I know what its like not to have family nearby - dont underestimate how much more difficult that makes pp for you.

remember that hormones are also doing a number on you right now. be on the watch for PPD. I've been there, and its not pretty, but somewhat easier if you recognize it for what it is.

ok, now on to prolapse....
4.5 weeks is soooooooo early. too early to predict what will be in a year from now. your body WILL change to some degree, in the next few months. you will NOT always feel this way (physically and emotionally). know that. say it over and over if you need to.

re: posture...ribs to neck...just try to make sure that your shoulders are DOWN and WIDE OPEN in the front. if you feel the tops of your shoulders rounding in towards each other, reverse it. and check that your chin isn't jutting out to lead your way, but pointing down (no nose up in the air!). a while back christine posted visualizing a halo balanced atop your head, that's helped me a bit.

you do not need to give up your dreams of a large family. really. because things change. I found my prolapse when my third (and then youngest) was 18 mo. a year later, when I began to feel confident that I had stabilized it, I felt confident that I could safely and sucessfully birth another baby. and I did! I am no worse for the wear. You are only 4.5 weeks pp. too early to start planning another baby, so don't worry about that today. Today, worry about getting through today.
having had way too much experience with PPD I now know that a pp mother needs good love, good food, and daily sunlight on her face. The best thing you can do today for the prolapse is to take a deep breath and believe that you can stabilize and heal this thing. I think its great that you've already started learning the posture. It took me a long time to get it down pat, but that's ok, you have time on your side. prolapse is not life threatening, and chances are it isn't going to get much worse in the near future (assuming you arent' doing crunches or straining on the toilet or anything like that).

ha, my post is all over the place too.

but what I'm trying to say is the is reason to remain hopeful. chances are good that you will be ok.

alemama

August 27, 2008 - 7:38pm

man it is hard to have kiddos who need you when what you need is some time to be alone and just process all this stuff and then on top of all that you have a newborn and you are breast feeding. Good for you for eating even when you don't want to. You are exactly right your baby needs good milk. I know your emotions can have an impact on the quality of your milk so right now please just revel in the joy and goodness of your body to feed your baby exactly the best thing. You have a three year old so you already know how fast it all goes by. I know you are sad right now - but take lots of pictures so you can enjoy this time again later. Maybe you could give your older child a disposable camera- that might be a fun distraction for an afternoon. What an amazing and precious time it is.
QualaK. You are doing all the right things. You found out about your situation very early (which is a blessing in many ways- and in others a little harder). You got the book. You have taken a break on heavy lifting for a while since you are so early postpartum and now you have come here for support. You are doing all the right things. Your birth sounds simply amazing. You worked very hard pushing that long time.
I don't know what comments might scare you and which might encourage you. It took one year for my prolapses to disappear from sight. Over the beginning of the year things got worse for me - I had a rectocele (only symptoms -the bulge, tailbone pain, and the aching after being on my feet for any period of time) then I developed a cystocele- then I managed to get rid of the cystocele and my rectocele was unsupported and felt even worse than having both and then finally- FINALLY- things started to slowly get better- and at one year I had to go feeling around for my bulge because I couldn't see it and it gave me no trouble. None.
It is a blessing to find your prolapse so early simply because you can get started managing it. You know to avoid constipation, clothing that is tight around the waist, and to practice pulling into the posture.
You will find that some days are great and some days are awful and it is hard to pinpoint what makes the difference in a day. You will find in the early days that there are more bad days than good.
Please alternate practicing posture and the breathing with plenty of rest.
Don't worry about losing weight. I found it didn't hurt me to do so and it could have helped. I would suggest hanging onto some of that body fat for a while though - as toxins store in fat and will release into your milk.
I was sad at first about not lifting my big girl and it was so stressful to lift my heavy baby- they do get heavy fast. But I learned that she didn't mind at all and that she enjoyed my getting down to her level just as well (yes it is a little funny to have a seat in the grocery store to chat with a 3 year old about how important it is for her to walk around and help with the groceries and that the baby cannot walk yet and that is why you are carrying him around....been there).
I have three kids now and littlest climbs up into everything. He loves it. I wish I had let my older two have that accomplishment instead of just rushing to put them on things and in things. Sure I have to allow a little more time to get out the door- but I enjoy not rushing now- it feels good.
You are right that your retroverted uterus will be able to come forward with this work- I have had that happen and so has another member.
I have been doing WW work for 2 years now. I feel fantastic. I am active and though I am conscious of my prolapse I don't worry over it anymore.
There are a big handful of women who are sticking around here an updating their progress. The consensus (that I have read) is that no one has any worsening over long periods of time - in other words they are stabilizing and many are reporting improvement.
It is so easy for me to tell you it is going to be fine. You are.
Rest. Enjoy your family. You only have this time once- don't let prolapse overshadow your babymoon because you are going to improve. Be patient. Keep doing all the right things. Practice some positive visualization. Surround yourself with a protective cloud of babybliss. This get so much better.

Florence

August 31, 2008 - 8:46am

Hi QualaK

I just read your post and wanted to say - give it time - you will get better! I found my post-partum prolapse nearly two years ago - when my baby was just three months old and my older son just over two. I posted a story yesterday - hoping to give some hope to others in similar situations who are feeling in despair.

You are in really early days at the moment. Please try to be kind to yourself, take it easy and try not to worry too much. I know it's easier said than done - as you probably want to bounce right back and carry on as before. The fear-factor in these early days is just so overwhelming. And with looking after a newborn baby, an active three year old and dealing with the new-baby fog - it sounds like it's all just getting too much.

If you feel you can - do ask friends for help. Even though they have children too - I'm sure they'd be more than happy to help with some cooking or cleaning, to take the baby for a walk to give you some time with your eldest - or look after your eldest for a while to give you a chance to concentrate on resting and your new baby.

I think all new breastfeeding mummies need plenty of fresh air, plenty of tea and plenty of cake.

Please try not to worry about the prolapse too much. It sounds like you have a fantastic supportive husband and a great midwife. I'm sure your friends will also be very supportive if you ask for help. This prolapse will likely take time to heal - you may think it gets worse for a while - and some days will be harder than others.

I felt pretty bad for quite a few months - and when I stopped breastfeeding I thought I may see a difference - but I didn't! It was months later when I finally realised that slowly, slowly, it had reversed to the point where it no longer bothers me at all.

So please take some comfort that things should improve. Lean on others for support and give your body time to heal.

Florence

rosewood

September 1, 2008 - 3:21am

Hi sweetie, I just want to give you a big hug! You know, reading your post, I remember that finding a prolapse post partum (or anytime perhaps for that matter) is nothing short of totally shocking, depressing, scary and out of control. That was it for me -- for the first time in my life, I felt I was faced with a physical issue that I could not control. For the longest time, I just wanted to find something to make it go away. And, the grief, the worry, at not being able to pick up my little ones . . . that was the worst. There may be no getting around the initial grief that we go through on finding this. Add that to being early post-partum, and it's a tall order. So, what you face is real. Feeling the potentiality of your organs falling out of your body is destabilizing.

Having said that, I thank God for Christine's work and this forum, for blazing an alternative way. I, like others, came here post-partum, scared out of my mind, thinking I would never do many things I had always done. Three years later, my situation is also totally stabilized, and I do all of those things (run, play soccer, rebound, dance, run around with my kids, etc.) and more. My life is better, ironically, because of dealing with this. I don't think about it all the time. There are things I do to maintain this stability. But, I now feel that this is something I can live well with for the rest of my life. I send prayers for you and support. Grieve my friend -- it's real. And know that your have the same potential for healing that we've all experienced. It may look different than what you think it will be, but it's there.

Marie

kay

September 8, 2008 - 3:14pm

Hi
Just reading through this strand of posts! It has been a little while for me since I have checked in! I am 5 1/2 months pp with stage 2 cyctocele. I can totally relate to all the emotions! I am starting to have a few better days so there is a ray of hope. I love the drink tea and eat cake comment! This web site has been my lifeline in my darkest of days! I check in when I need to know I am not alone and when I need a ray of hope as well. I really hope you are taking each day one day at a time. This is what I try to do. The best thing I have done for myelf so far is try to stay regular! I find that when I don't things feel worse. It still seems like a mystery to me and it is often hard to describe the symptoms.
Florence, I think I need to hear your words again...that you really feel better! How do you feel better? Qualak, my heart goes out to you but I know there will be better days for you as well!