"Why me?" days...

Submitted by Lilly on September 6, 2008 - 9:10am
Body: 

Does anyone else have "why me?!" days? Sometimes my prolapses really get me down and I throw a small pity party in their honor. I have asked myself more than once, "why me?" and I'll admit to feeling jealousy towards women who've had 5 kids or whatever without a hitch! I've had 2 children, I've always kept myself fit and healthy and I've just turned 30 - it does seem to invite a "why me?", ya know?

I am married, but what if my husband left me? How could I meet new people knowing that when it came to sex I have a "damaged" and odd looking vagina? I hate that thought, I just feel so abnormal sometimes, not feminine at all. No one gets it either - if I have mentioned my prolapses to anyone, I get a blank stare in response, no one really understands! I've stopped mentioning it to my husband because I know he's tired of hearing about it! I'm so tired of FEELING it, but I have to live with it.

My prolapses are not THAT bad as far as prolapses go, but they're stil bad in my eyes - it's still something I'm finding hard to get to grips with, I still hate the "bad" days where my prolapse stubbornly stays down and I have to go about my day trying to appear normal to everyone, whilst privately dealing with the maddening "falling out" sensation. It makes me want to scream sometimes!

What can be done about this sorry state of affairs?!!!!!!

Oh well, vent over :(

Lilly x

louiseds

September 6, 2008 - 10:29am

Hey Lilly

I think this is just one of the stages of the grief process. Feel it, and throw your party! I am sure you will look in the mirror with a cupcake in one hand, a glass of bubbly in the other, and runny mascara, and realise that you look pretty funny. But seriously, just go with it, and you will realise that vicious old God didn't pick this out as a special punishment for you. It happens to many of us, and you just gotta accept that reality and get on with all the things that can improve it. Then give thanks that you don't have something life-threatening.

Re your husband, he really doesn't mind your love gear being different from what it used to be like. It is love gear, right? That's all both of you need, and the desire to share it with each other. He is not judging you. It is you who is judging you! Ease up on yourself. It obviously hasn't affected how much he loves you, and why should it? But he has no way of understanding what it is like to have a vagina with several different configurations. So perhaps you would be best to keep that discussion here, where we do undertand. ;-)

It has taken four years for me to get to the point where my POP's are not low, except momentarily (at the moment). You will have setbacks, but they will come less often, and you will eventually trust your body to recover again. There are no quick bucks in POPland. It is constant training and practice, and fine-tuning. All your POP's can be is the best they can be, not necessarily as well-behaved as mine are now.

Bad? What is this word 'bad'? Has your love gear gone rotten? Does it yell and scream in the supermarket? Does it beat up people? Does it take drugs? Does it bully children? Does it drive without a licence? Does it get drunk and abuse people in public? Hmm, it does misbehave sometimes, but it is only the behaviour that is bad, not the love gear! That is just fine.

Your body is good. Look after it and enjoy it.

Cheers

Louise

Lilly

September 6, 2008 - 11:50am

Your post has really helped me to feel more positive!

Mae

September 6, 2008 - 2:20pm

Hi Lilly,

I would guess that all of us have "why me" days from time to time. Some more than others I am sure. I think it depends on how often one has "bad" days and also how far one has come in coming to terms with what is happening with our bodies. Here's what I did to limit the number of bad days that I have. Maybe you'll find it helpful.

I kept a diary for a month, of everything I ate or drank and what activities I engaged in that day..such as grocery shopping (noting if I carried in heavy bags), exercise (if I did exercise that day and what the exercises were and how many I did), I noted if I was sick, basically anything and everything I did, or that happened that day. I also wrote down any stress I might have encountered that day. The next day I recorded what my POP was like..mild, medium, bad, good..remarkable.. didn't have too many of those..LOL!.

At the end of the month I sat down and studied my diary. It was incredibly clear what brought on a bad day for me. I found that the foods I ate and carrying heavy objects were the biggest culprits. Stress came right after that. If I have a stressful day my prolapse immediately goes south. Maybe because I am not concentrating on staying in posture...maybe the body tenses allowing weak organs to fall?? I'm not sure, but I'll bet Louise could shed some light on that!

Today I know exactly what is going to make my Stage 3 bladder prolapse worse. I can look at a steak, or bowl of pasta, and know that I am going to have a very bad day the next day or two, if I choose to eat either of those things. Or, if I eat too much of just about anything. Moderation, and making healthy choices, is the key for me when it comes to the foods I choose to keep my prolapse under control.

You might want to try keeping a record Lilly. It will help you better understand what is going to effect your prolapse. It worked for me! Now, when I'm having a bad day, I understand why and it's much easier to deal with.

Keep asking questions so you'll learn everything you can about prolapse. Knowledge is the key to understanding all this and getting things under control and I know you will!

Warm regards,

Mae

Lilly

September 6, 2008 - 3:34pm

I will try that - sounds like a great idea!!

granolamom

September 7, 2008 - 7:12am

did I ever feel that way? hell, yeah!

my sister has 8 children, including one set of twins. all vaginal deliveries, including a highly medicalized one (think, lithotomy position, mother of all episiotomies, etc) and no prolapse at all.

BUT she began to lose her hearing at the same time I found my prolapse. I was 32, she was just over 30. so as much as I asked 'why me' I was just happy it wasn't my hearing.
and that's how I set about on my road of acceptance.
but HA on me. just as I learned to cope with grief and loss, I began to lose my hearing too. but ya know what? coping with loss is a skill you learn and can apply to many situations (if you ever need to) and this time, when grieving the hearing loss, I came to a place of acceptance so much more quickly.

so ask why me, throw your pity party, yell and scream and cry and mourn. for many of us, POP is our first loss of physical strength and perfection, and the loss is a real one. grief is a process and it cannot be rushed along.
but the human condition is such, that the overwhelming majority of us WILL learn to cope with whatever loss is thrown our way. we're just that resilient. so believe it or not, you WILL most likely feel feminine and sexy again. but you have to go through the grief process to get there. its a lot of mind-work, for me made so much easier by the women here.

and I keep saying, for me, the psychological implications of POP are so much greater than the physical. but even with my still visible and palpable prolapse, I can honestly say, I'm OK. really really, it just doesn't matter to me anymore. I haven't even been doing anything (aside from posture) to try to further reduce the bulge. if I aggravate it I spend a few days doing firebreathing and nauli to get back to baseline, but that's it. its just not a big deal anymore. and as far as body image, I think no more of the prolapse than I do of my stretch marks. its no more than 'yeah, whatever, so I'm an almost 36 yo mother of 4 and I look it'. If (heaven forbid!) my dh ever left me, the prolapse would be the least of my problems. I'd be too busy stalking him to even worry about it.

baby's reaching for the keyboard so I'm hitting send before he deletes