Head Space

Submitted by bad_mirror on February 27, 2009 - 7:46pm
Body: 

I am borrowing this from a comment Louise made on another post regarding how head space is one of the toughest aspects of POP. I agree. My baby boy just discovered how to roll over **joy!** and I HATE that even a nanosecond of thought regarding my bladder intrudes into a moment like that! My sincerest hope at this point (well aside from being like Alemama and having my cystocele G-O-N-E ;-) is that I can get the the point where this whole thing is outta sight and outta mind. Like if I buy a bunch of black beans on sale -- I store them in the cupboard above the refrigerator, the one I need a stool to get to -- and I only have to think about them when I feel like making black bean chili. What a lousy analogy, ha! But really, I'm hoping I can heal to the point that I might compartmentalize this into a slightly dusty corner of my mind. There, but not really there. . . .

On another note, I've had a slight upswing in emotion and that old chestnut PERSPECTIVE is really taking hold. I have to remember a few things (like to read this post in a few days when I'm crying over my bulge!). I had the most beautiful birth. My son is healthy, happy, gorgeous, and sooo well tempered. I'm madly in love with my husband and he with me. We are all healthy and can hold each other and have food to eat and a beautiful view from where we live. I hate this. I don't want this. And yet if this is the worst thing that ever happens to me or my family, then I am quite ok with it. I pray it is so.

honeydew

February 28, 2009 - 8:18am

you have voiced my own thoughts exactly, bad_mirror. those moments when i'm not thinking about my prolapse are so few and far between, yet so freeing. i hate that every time i eat something, sit down, stand up or move my body, i'm constantly thinking, "will this make my POP worse?" every time i pick up my precious little baby, for example. and as the day progresses, i'm checking every hour whether it's getting worse, comparing to the same time the day before, "is it better or worse than this time yesterday, and if so, what did i do or not do to make it so?"
perhaps this obsessing for a while is just the normal progression of things, and sooner or later i will learn to let all those thoughts go... i hope so.

louiseds

February 28, 2009 - 10:44pm

Believe me. Having POP is just something else that involves a lot of grieving. Once you do your grieving and get to know *your* body a bit better, and learn to trust it again, it is just another bit of sad stuff; another scar in your life, that hangs around in the background, and you pay attention to it when it needs attention. It will not always obsess you, and it will not always be in the front of your concious thoughts.

First menstruation can be a pain in the butt, because you suddenly realise that for the rest of your reproductive life you will need to use tampons or sponges or pads for a few days a month, with all the messiness that can be involved in it. You may not be able to swim when you are menstruating heavily. This can be embarrassing and inconvenient. But you get a few years into it, and you just deal with it. You don't go through all that grief and worry again every month. It just becomes a part of your life.

Hopefully you will both reach that point with POP sooner rather than later.

Cheers

Louise

bad_mirror

March 1, 2009 - 2:05pm

Thank you, Louise.

Honeydew: It is helping me LOTS to read and re-read the positive stories of granolamom, alemama, kiki, and reka. They all got through it well, very well. It makes me know that I can be OK too. More than OK. Being patient is hard for me and there is always the doubt that creeps in. But time seems to be a major ingredient in this healing process. We will heal. We will be Ok. We will be more than OK. I'm still checking in my stupid mirror, but I'm *trying* to apply each day to the bigger picture.

Connie54

March 1, 2009 - 3:51pm

I too appreciate the positive posts I am reading. But, I am the president of the "what if" club. What if the posture and exercises don't work, what if the bulges keep getting worse, what if I have to have surgery, etc. My cup is always half empty instead of half full and I wish I could change my frame of mind. I have been dealing with this for several months so I am still pretty new, maybe I will become more relaxed as time goes on. I am now dealing with a stupid period after not having one for 9 months and the prolapse is much worse which I guess is normal. I wish I could throw my mirror away! I check way too many times a day. I worry being 54 that the loss of estrogen will only make my ligaments weaker and things will fall even more. I think today I will take my occasional Xanax and try to remember it's not the end of the world, far from it. Connie

fullofgrace

March 1, 2009 - 4:30pm

The good news is that eventually it will all get better. I so remember the early days after my 2nd daughter's wonderful home birth (It followed a two years of research to have a VBAC and I now have 4 children)when I discovered all 3 prolapses. I was heading into the grocery store and felt a drop and feeling like a tampon was coming out.

I had never heard of prolapse before. Why hadn't I been warned my body could revolt this way?! I was mortified. I was obsessed. I looked in the mirror everyday. I researched, and researched, and researched, and found a depressing surgery site where women had had repair after repair after repair, where they despaired in every other post about how prolapse had ruined their lives, prevented them from activities they enjoyed, and here I was with a new baby. When I stood to hold her or bent to put her in the crib or rocked her while walking, there was that awful sensation that the "bottom" was about to drop out and I had a sense of doom that I was now somehow handicapped.

Every morning I got up and hoped I was healed and then I looked in the mirror and saw that bulge and I would cry. I was so depressed and so sad that I wasn't enjoying my new baby and when I heard mention of the day she was born, I'd feel sad-- I was ashamed of feeling that way and I certainly was glad she was here and healthy, but her awesome birth coincided with what I believed to be a fundamental change in my health.

Gradually, time passed and I began to accept this as a new normal. I weaned my baby and then the surprise of all surprises, I got pregnant again. I was overcome with joy and terror at the same time. I was excited about the baby, but scared what another delivery would do. I knew since I had had a previous c-section that I would have that option, but I didn't know if that would protect my pelvic organs and I also did not want to subject myself to an unnecessary surgery. Thank God, yes God, :) that this time when I began researching, Christine had just started this site a few months earlier. Thank God for Christine, she taught me about natural alternatives, that structural and minor lifestyle changes (the posture, sitting on the floor a lot, adjust my chair at work to accomadate the posture, eating well) could help me stabilize this condition. She assisted me in making the decision to go for another homebirth and this baby was born within 10 minutes of the midwives arrival and I really felt "cured" after that delivery. The organs were no lower than they were before and the issues with urinating were not as prevalent. I could live in this "new normal" state. It was livable. The bottom falling out feeling occurred only when I had had to have a bm or just started my period.

And then IT happened again! I got pregnant. Homebirth transfer to hospital and her about 20 minutes after arriving there on my back. Bad position, I was squatting and standing for the other two. Created some nasty hemorrhoids and I was afraid that the rectocele would end up worse. Rectocele didn't, but I did end up with appendectomy 2 weeks after her birth and back in the hospital 2 weeks after that because of an abscess. This precipitated the issues I posted in my "Christine: sort of off topic" in November.

The mind set was really the turning point in my healing. Once I could "forget" about the feeling and stop looking at the dang thing, I began to be able to accept I was different and though I was different, it wasn't fatal, it was uncomfortable, but it wasn't painful, and the more time that passed the less I noticed it. I think if you click on track by my name you can track my story beginning in I think march or april of 2004.

Today, my uterus is higher, the cycstocele is no longer causing urination problems, and the rectocele can cause some "backing up" issues (I don't really have the sensation that I have to go until it has accumulated into the pocket where it has prolapsed).There are actually some good that comes from the rectocele however, it temporarily blocks menstrual flow at times, preventing me from having accidents. So in 6 years I've come a long way.

I don't find time to check on here often because of my busy life (I teach high school English along side taking care of my family and ugh! I have so many essays to grade along with planning; it takes forever!). But I wish you all the best of luck and I am glad you've found Christine. Her work is awesome. I highly recommend her products. The first book and video gave me some exercises that really helped me. I'll be getting the new one soon.
Jane

bad_mirror

March 1, 2009 - 6:13pm

Be your vice-president, Connie . . . if I let myself go there. I have learned that I absolutely cannot. I do not read posts that are scary or depressing; I stop as soon as I get a whiff of that. Those people are not me, and I can only worry about me right now. We all have our own set of factors that brought us here, and I only focus on what mine are right now, not what could be. Yes, a lot of bad things could happen, but they are not happening right now. And equally a lot of good things could happen. That is all I look at. I only think of good outcomes. Otherwise, I would go absolutely insane.

louiseds

March 1, 2009 - 10:20pm

Hi Connie

Don't worry. It will keep getting better. Jane is absolutely right. And there are lots of us in our 50s and 60s who are experiencing the same aging things as you are, who are positive. If we can eventually be positive, so can you. Just follow the rules and you will get there ... most of the time ... and that is fine.

And what if?

Worry about that in a year or so, not now. There is always surgery as an option. You can weigh that horrible question up only when it is the only card left in your hand. And even then, you have the option of saying no thankyou, still.

Just concentrate now on what you are doing now, and leave next year's worries for next year.

Cheers

Louise