I'm Struggling..

I am feeling alot like you. I think having several good days did more to hurt my mind set than help. Now I spend all day writing down every activity, did it make things worse or help, what can I do better next time. I am so tried of thinking about this prolapse I could scream. But, with every step I feel it, so it's hard not to think about it. I think I have a urethrocele too, but mine is at the urinary meatus where it protrudes some. My cystocele is pronounced, right at the vaginal opening and slightly beyond. Now, my hemmroids have flaired up, maybe from sticking my butt out too far and they are giving me pain. If it's not one thing it's another. I would say it's hell to get old, but you younger gals are fighting this prolapse crap too. I have to say misery loves company, but sometimes we just need to know others are struggling too and still trying to figure out how to make things better. I am right there with you. Take care, Connie

I think that much stress would make you feel out of sorts even if you didn't have a prolapse! Also, a detox is rough! I tried once and was in tears by noon. Recognize that you are in extraordinary circumstances right now, and that extraordinary responses are bound to happen (i.e. extreme down-ness). It must be quite disappointing to not get the resolution right after delivery you were promised! However, you are 3 months pp, right? Don't forget that broken record that plays 'round here . . . everyone seems to be at bottom at three months! Now, I am also a work in progress with this thing, but here are two things that help me stay the course:

1. You are reshaping your body, just like weight training (or Louise's great example of corseting) and seeing results takes time. So though it is frustrating to be "doing all the right things" and not getting results now, know that you WILL. SOOOOO many other women here have! Try to find some of these posts to read or re-read. Stella just had a great one!

2. I wholly believe in the ability of the mind to rule the body. Think if you told yourself everyday that you are fat and ugly. You probably would end up so after slinking around all miserable! What if you told yourself you are beautiful and have a great bod? You would probably walk around with confidence and radiate beauty! It's corny, I know, but there is so much truth in mind over matter. I do a maya massage every night, not because I think it is going to resolve my prolapse, but because that is when I repeat over and over and over and over how I know my body is healing and I visualize the results I want to achieve with that healing. I just know it helps! Mantras are magical! Can you make a time and space for yourself to infuse your soul with some positive thoughts? For a long time, I carried a sheet of paper with only positive quotes from this site written on it. I read them over and over and it helped so much to banish the doubt that I would achieve any healing. (sometimes a good ol' fashioned "F-you prolapse!" works well too :-)

I totally understand what you are going through. I am 12 1/2 weeks pp and had a cystocele thatseems to have morphed into a urethrocele and perhaps a retrocele. I have been in hospital with my baby for 4 days - he's got an infection but should be coming home tomorrow). Consequently, I have not done my PT eexercises or much ww stuff. I was hoping that the lack of physical activity might heal some things but I just checked and it looks just as bad as usual. It is very depressing.

I guess we have to remember it takes time. Try to give yourself a break and just do what you can - I keep trying to do what I can without being overly obsessive (which rarely works but seems like a plan). I think we should keep faith in our bodies ability to heal itself and give ourselves time. I totally understand how difficult that is - especially with 2 kids at home (I have a 3 year-old as well).

Good luck to you!

Hi Davemayamom

I could have written badmirror's post.

One of the horrid things about feeling down is that you think you will feel like this forever, and it is not a nice prospect, being trapped in a not-OK place. That, of course, is nonsense. You will not be there forever.

Many people think detox is unbearable. You are in detox, so chances are that your bad feelings are something to do with the detox. It too will pass if you stick with it, or if you drop it for now.

You are also at 3mo pp, which is the pits too, POPwise. Likewise you will not be there forever. It will pass, and you will go on to feel better in the next few weeks.

If you have three big rocks sitting in a bag on your back, and are feeling that carrying all three at the same time is too big a load, what do you do? You take one out, and come back later and get it. It is slower, but at least you get all three rocks to their destination eventually, and come out of it OK. If you continue to carry all three, the combined effect of the extra-heavy load may exhaust you to the point that you collapse in a big, teary heap, and none of the rocks will get to their destination.

How do you pick which rock to take out? You examine them, and remove the one that is not attached. You are 3mo pp and stuck with it, and you are down and stuck with it, so the only one you can offload for now is the detox.

If you feel stronger without the detox load, then perservere with the two, and leave detox for a little later, when you are feeling resilient enough to handle it.

If you don't feel stronger without the detox, there maybe something else dragging you down. Come back and we will all put our heads together to help you move on from there.

Even strong people are not strong all the time. Be kind to yourself, and just take baby steps when the going is rough.

(hugs)

Louise

Hi DMM!

Your post nearly had me in tears: I totally empathise and have been feeling exactly the same way this week. Like you I'm 12.5weeks pp and totally fed up with my prolapse (v symptomatic rectocele) which has been giving me a ridiculous amount of hassle this week. Every day by about 2pm i feel like I've got a small apple stuck in my bottom and am stuck with it till the next morning.

I know 12 weeks is meant to be about the worst time, but in some ways this makes it harder because now I've gone past 12 weeks (just) I'm anxious that if I don't start to see immediate improvement, it means that i'm going to be one of the PP unfortunates who don't see any improvement in the year after giving birth. How pessimistic is that!!

I'm also in danger of getting obsessive about reading the book, checking the site - though I do find it so incredibly helpful to read and follow the discussions, even when I don't have time (or am feeling too despondent) to join them . The only thing I won't allow myself to do is get the mirror out because if I start down that road I reckon I'm going to be checking it 5times a day. It's pretty hard to explain to my 3yr old why I'm half-standing up to go to the toilet all of a sudden, let alone have to explain why i'm peering at my bits with a mirror every couple of hours...

I think what I find so frustrating about this condition is that it fluctuates so much - one day bearable so you get your hopes up that you're 'on the mend' (as others have said; then bad the next day so you start to think the improvements are a 'false dawn' and lose faith that it will ever be better. I hate the fact that my outlook on life is so dependent on how the symptoms are that day; and that I monitor for signs of improvement all the time, then feel disappointed when they don't come (and it's so early in the process, I really should be more realistic).

But on the other hand I think this horrible rollercoaster is inevitable at the moment: we relative newbies are still grieving, angry and arguing with the condition, and probably will be for some time yet. From the replies to your post it seems like this is universal.

one thought: I always seem to feel better when I've taken an active, positive step of some kind even if a teeny one. Makes me feel just that bit less 'out of control'. In my previous (pre-prolapse!) life, I worked in the health community with people with all kinds of conditions - arthritis, diabetes, asthma, etc - who were learning how to self-manage their conditions and take back a bit of control of their lives. This is an established programme which started in the US (called the Chronic Disease Self-management programme there I think), which has been modified a bit and is now in use here. I often used to think when I worked in that field that I should do the course myself so that I knew more about how it worked. Ironcially, now I'm no longer in that field, I think I probably actually need to do it myself. Maybe it would be worth seeing if it's on offer anywhere near you.

Right I've got to go there as baby is up and about and shouting for me - you know how it is!

Take good care
PS Mom2boys, i do hope your baby is on the mend - and what a thing for you to have to deal with in the midst of the prolapse!

Mumtogirls London

Hi MumtoGirls, Davemayamom and Connie

I just googled this course, which seems to be quite widely available in Canada, USA and Australia at least. If anyone is in South Australia there is a pilot research program starting soon, where you can, I think, do this course online for nothing as part of a research program, but you have to live in South Australia! They are trying to establish the benefits of it in an Australian context.

Come to think of it, Wholewoman seems to be doing exactly the same thing as the course content (which is designed for those with asthma, heart disease, diabetes etc), for women with POP.

MumtoGirls, doing this course may indeed be helpful for you. Sometimes, taking your own medicine is the most difficult of all, because we are not used to being the sufferer. We are usually the carer, and are not very good at being sufferers. We don't know how to do it.

Louise

Hi Louise
You're dead right - I've seen first hand the impact it can have on people's lives and just need to get my hands on a bit of that magic myself! (and yes the principles are very much aligned to those of WW)

It's usually done in small groups over about 6 sessions. You can do some of the stuff under your own steam, but the advantage of taking a short course in it - provided it's well facilitated - is that it gives some structure to the journey, a safe space (and discipline) to move forward, and access to a network of peers.

Here in the UK the NHS offers a generic course called the Expert Patient Programme, where your fellow trainees may have one of a number of conditions. But there's a strong demand for access to condition-specific ones too: although the principles of coming to terms with and learning to self-manage conditions are often similar, as we all know from this site, there's great benefits from sharing with people who know just what you're going through and understand the symptoms and their consequences.

Great to hear it's widely available worldwide. One day someone should write up the story of how the battle was won in the UK and worldwide for that matter. Certainly, in the UK it took a lot of effort from many individuals and organisations to persuade politicians and the medical profession that something that aims to improve patients' sense of control over their condition could be as beneficial and important - and equally deserving of funding - as surgery or drugs. Sound familiar??

I think it's fair to say that the nursing profession - and indeed PTs - did a lot to persuade their clinical colleagues. Maybe there's some pointers there for how one day one could try to mainstream the WW ideas. Hey - look at me getting so ahead of myself: i haven't even mastered the basics of WW yet!

and on that note I'm off to watch the DVD which arrived yesterday. my husband's looking forward to an evening of me leaping round the living room in a pair of baggy leggings - the final nail in the coffin of our glamourous pre-family years. Actually, I'm not sure they were ever *that* glamorous, but by comparison...

Take care all

Mumtogirls London

ok, here's the truth, I think I've got both. or maybe its just a urethrocele. I call it a cystocele because its easier for me to visualize and therefore deal with. so let the POP police come and get me.
I'm mentioning this because mine sounds alot like what you describe and mine's gotten alot - ALOT - better. I wanted you to know that. and now I will go stick my head back in the sand and continue referring to my prolapse as a cystocele. thanks to all for understanding my need for a bit of denial here and there, lol.
and yes, 12 weeks was the worst for me, but just incase anyone at 13 weeks pp feels oh no, mine's still bad it will never get better, I wasnt' really THAT scientific about it. so when I say 12 weeks, I probably should say 'about three months'. and I know for sure, that it didn't suddenly improve the day after three months pp, you know? it was a very slow adn gradual change.
when I first got here, everyone else was posting like crazy about all the great changes they were experiencing. and me? nothing. then newer posters arrived and even THEY had positive changes before I did. I experienced very slight and subtle progress the first three months and then nothing significant (I mean three months into this work, not pp. my then-youngest was 18 mo) until about a year later. a year! its frustrating and you start to wonder, am I the one for whom this won't work? but the thing is, its not like you have many other options. so I just kept going. its hard to keep the faith, but I did see other benefits of cleaning up my diet, the mess in my head, and going through my day more mindfully. so I figured, at least I'll have that. but good news, my prolapse has improved to the point where I no longer think about it on a daily basis (aside from posting here).
so hang in there!

and I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your 9th grader patient. those stories always hit me hard.