scared to have sex

I love having sex. I have to say though, that I didn't really enjoy it again until 6 months pp. You've already have babies, so you know all about that. As far as prolapse is concerned, your partner's penis will push it back to where it is ( and if your lying down it will go back up anyway). He wont notice! Men can't identify these things unless they are trained urogyns and you're being examined standing up! I think very few women here have trouble with intimacy in a physical way. It's important for you to realize that you are sexy with or without prolapse. And again, I promise, your partner will have no idea! Take your time, but remember to lubricate and inebriate!

first, congrats on your babe!
I am sorry about your POP, but so glad you found this fabulous site. There is so much wisdom here, and with Christine's work your body can heal so much.
6 weeks is so early--I didn't see any improvement for a good few months, and then it carried on and still is happening (my little one is over 2 1/2 now....)
Re sex, my physio sent me home with the homework to have sex. Yes it's scary with everything having moved, but it won't hurt you. experiment, see what feels good. Some positions aren't as comfortable for me now, others are just fine, and that's changed as my body has changed. Just go easy on yourself.
Most people find sex helps there POP. I used to find I felt a bit odd for a few hours after, probably as my organs had shifted around, but no one else here ever seemed to feel that--I only say that as if you feel different, don't worry! it's all good ;-)

I was afraid to have sex FOR MONTHS after finding my POPs. These wonderful ladies were constantly convincing me to go for it, it really makes a difference. So we went for it and yay! It helps tons in the following day, and the "lifting effect" lasts an entire day for me.
I'd say drink some wine and go for it!
Liv

Hi Moth...

Well, it was a long time ago that I was 6 weeks pp with my first, but it was the first time I had ever experienced sex after birthing, and I really didn't know how to go about it. Didn't know what to expect.

Dr probably gave you the go ahead for sex at your 6 week check. That is about ensuring that your uterus has gone back to normal size and lochia has ceased, and you have your contraception organised. It is nothing to do with telling you it is time to get into sex again. Your vagina will probably be dry, dry, dry, and you might not feel like it yet. I am sure God designed us to be interested mainly in looking after the baby for the first few months, so baby doesn't get gobbled up by a hungry bear while we are out there lookin' for love!

The libido comes back when it is ready. It is not a competition to see who can do sex first. Take it slow and lube, lube, lube, and foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. DH will just need to be patient and let you call the tune for a while.

You won't miss out. Contrary to popular opinion there is still sex after 30, after 40, after 50, and I hope after 60, 70, 80, 90 etc. I will probably forget about it by then. Ho-hum.

BTW, men are not particularly worried about your POP. They are more interested in getting their pants off quick enough and doing the distance!

Louise

my biggest problem with sex (when I first found my prolapse) was in my head. a prolapse made me feel anything but attractive or feminine. my dh didn't have a problem with it at all, and physically I was fine, aside from what my thoughts were doing (making it hard to enjoy). but it didn't hurt at all.
once I started learning more about this, and coming to terms with it, the humiliation and insecurity really did start to melt away. and sex was good good good again.

and I've had another baby since, my prolapse is no worse. I'm pg again now, and am fairly confident that I wont be doing any significant long term damage prolapse-wise.

6 weeks pp is very early on. too early to predict what will be in one years time, certainly too early to say you will need surgery at some point. I don't plan to ever need surgery.

and about the pictures you may have seen, don't believe everything you see. sometimes the pics are during surgical procedures when its been partially dissected already or pulled out for better illustration/education (?) purposes. those pics can be pretty terrifying, and are not always consistent with what you are dealing with.

and congrats on the new baby!

The changes of our bodies post babies is hard! But isn't it largely because society tells us we should look like models days after giving birth (hey, the stars all do!), and doesn't worship the beautiful mama body? Luckily our babies do ;) and partners love our bodies sag and all. It's how we are meant to be--these bodies gave us our gorgeous babies, and why should they look and feel the same?
It is hard, but I think it's about finding a new sense of self and loving that sense. As for the POP bit, I assure you you will get through this really hard, all consuming time. It does pass. I am mindful of my POP, but they do not consume me. I have days where they barely cross my mind. It will change...

take care of yourself, and enjoy your babies--and your husband! ;-)

I haven't had sex yet and I am 8 months postpartum ...we were just starting to discuss it at 4 months postpartum when I had my prolapse. Then it was all about me and recovery and coping. My PT and OB both gave me homework to have sex but it hasn't happened yet. I think at this point it is more my husband not wanting to than me. He says he is afraid I won't enjoy it. How will I know until I try though...UGH! Good to know it all went well on the first go round for you Motherhoodmaddness. I feel like I should get drunk first to get rid of those inhibitions (except I don't drink except for maybe a couple times a year)...ha who would think I would have inhibitions with someone I have been with for 11 years haha!

Hi BSMrunner

'Tis indeed strange that you feel like this with somebody you have been with for 11 years. No doubt he thinks it is a bit weird too. I would not be too surprised if DH is feeling a bit scared that he might get carried away and not feel able to respond to your need (to stop) if you cannot handle it. He obviously has a lot of respect for you and does not want to hurt you. Nor does he want to feel rejected. He may associate your sexual response with your acceptance of him. To say Stop might mean to him that you are rejecting him as a person, or as a husband. Or it could be some other irrational thing. Men don't quite think like we do. It might just be a case of going back to basics and re-establishing intimacy itself before going straight for sex. I think you might need to clear some air and talk about some of these things so you can both go ahead, knowing that you are safe, and however it goes, you will still love and accept each other. Hey, it is only sex! It is not as if this first time will be the only chance you get for the rest of your lives. You have the rest of your lives to practise! I have fantasies about dying in my husband's arms at a very advanced age, having just experienced the best sex that is possible with him. Better get on with it, eh?

There are professionals out there who can help you through this if you are both putting it off and putting it off. Getting somebody professional to help you with this might be a good investment in your relationship.

On the other hand, perhaps you just need to set about seducing him all over again, slowly, bit by bit. time for some new sexy undies? Now that could be fun. :-)

Cheers

Louise

I was so worried after finding prolapses to have sex again...It took a few months to work up the courage...then I kicked myself for waiting so long! Maybe it was from becoming so very aware of everything inside of me, and working so hard to stay pulled up in posture all the time--the posture did its job and pulled everything up (and tightened), and lo and behold, sex was fabulous! (It seems to get better after each baby!) I still get a little worried some days if I am feeling a little "bulge-y"...hubby just turns it around and tries to point out just how much sex helps to push things up and in! (just being a caring, dutiful husband!) :)

It was another confidence booster that my body was going to keep on doing just fine, and that there is probably nothing I cannot do 'because of prolapse'.

Sometimes the longer you wait, the harder it is to take that first step...but once you take it, look out--you'll be wondering why you waited so long!

~Canadianmama

Thank you all for the encouraging words! My youngest child (of nine) is now 3; I am almost 49. Just three weeks ago I felt something "strange" and realized that I have prolapsed "something." My doctor who delivered the last 5 at home passed away in the spring and I have not yet replaced him. I don't know of anyone else to go see. I am so grateful that I found this site right away. I received the book and dvd recently, but have not had time to watch the movie. In looking through the book I saw some of the preliminary exercises and have been trying to get the hang of them. One of the worst things for me has been worrying about intimacy with my husband. It is mostly psychological, I realized, but I have not gotten up my courage to get involved sexually yet. In reading everyone's comments, I feel that I am on the right path back to closeness. Thanks!

how awesome to have had 5 hb's! and with a dr no less. now there's something you don't see every day.
about the intimacy, yeah, the main obstacle tends to be in our heads. for me, once I was able to put the prolapse in the same category as my sagging boobs or developing laugh lines, it was much easier to deal with.
sex is good for prolapse, so go get yourself some! I'm sure your man misses you too.

Hi Aeb1960

Wow! You are a legend having nine babies. Sorry to hear that your doctor has passed away. He must have been almost a member of your family. Not easy to build a new relationship with a new doctor after that. I am sure you will find one who will fit the bill. You are so lucky to have had that length of relationship.

We are in inland, rural Western Australia, where doctors don't like to live. We at last have a reliable, corporate medical practice in town, ie there is an employed doctor available when you need one, but they are here for a year or so, then move elsewhere. The idea of having our own family doctor is but a distant memory. The doctors who some are often very good, usually overseas trained, and doing a stint in the country as part of their Australian accreditation and skilled immigrant requirements, before moving back to the city. It is not perfect, but it is workable. Australian trained doctors always seem to want to be where the expensive coastal real estate, the well-equipped hospitals, the private schools, the good shopping, the sophisiticated social and cultural life are situated. That aint in the country! It seems to be the same all over the world in regional areas.

I am sure you will find Wholewoman will plug some of the gap your doctor left, re POP.

Cheers

Louise

Well, I have a problem along these lines. 1. I'm scared to death of getting pregnant again after the prolapse and 2. the few times we've actually had sex since the prolapse, I couldn't climax. Left me frustrated and DH sad for me, and I just don't know if I want to bother. Of course I would, for DH's sake, but I'm still afraid of getting pregnant. Before, it was like, Okay, whatever, it's alright--I'd welcome another blessing in my life. But now? I can hardly deal with what's on my plate. I couldn't imagine pregnancy on top of everything else. With the other babies, my cycles didn't even start back until about 13-15 months, at which point I'd very quickly get pregnant again. But this baby doesn't nurse nearly as much as the others did. She's satisfied with very little. It makes me worry about my cycles starting back sooner, although my midwife said not to count on it. I despise condoms with a passion and Natural Family Planning has made us parents twice--the other two were quite deliberate. I refuse to take any type of Pill for multiple reasons.

Hey, Ribbit,

I think the key is practice and relaxation. With a stressful mind sex is impossible. Give yourself time if you are not ready...and some wine, lol. Helped me tons in the beginning. Now my third is 15 mo, and sex is better than ever.

Pregnancy worries: I hear you. I am so not ready yet! Using extra protection on the risky days did the trick for me. :)
Guess what, I am tandeming AND got my period back when baby #3 was 6 mo! Go, figure....

Liv

Well, it doesn't hurt anymore, it's just that....well, it doesn't go anywhere for me. I'm wondering if things are so misplaced and "out of order" that the job just isn't going to get done anymore. I hope this isn't permanent.

Hey Ribbit

You still nursing? I think God designed us to be not interested in sex while we have little ones. Life is complicated enough without our coming on heat and going out of the cave to get a bit on the side and leaving our babies unattended for the big bad wolf to come and gobble up. Dryish vagina doesn't really do anything for physical desire either. I used to feel quite unsexy when nursing. I think it was all tied up with (and this is all very freudian) the very intimate nature of the mother and baby bond, and all that breast patting and stroking. And regular time lying around together staring into each others' eyes. Mmmm ... Oh yes, and the constant threat of interruptions! And the fact that you feel a bit as if your body is not really your own to enjoy! Lots of reasons that all add up.

Louise

Well, yeah, I'm nursing. I nursed baby #1 and baby #2 together and baby #2 weaned himself two months before baby #3 was born, and I'm still nursing toddler #3 and baby #4. Does that answer your question? LOL

I always warn DH that he's going to get a handful of milk. :D He doesn't seem to mind, but I keep a cloth diaper handy because it starts the milk flowing! A bit messy, to say the least. *rolls eyes*

LOL! Well, there you are! Tandem feeding again, eh? The joys of, um ... nursing.

can sex make prolapse worse?

To answer the question does sex makes prolapse worse, no it does not! but ensure the vagina is well lubricated. When laying down the prolapse moves upwards and should not interfere with sexual intimacy. Also sex is no different with prolapse or without a prolapse.

Ribbit-- i feel like i have nerve damage on top of the POP because i can't orgasm easily any more, or it's so difficult i don't even want to bother. i can't even bring myself there anymore. it's really sad. i am almost 18 mo PP. one of the docs i am seeing says it may be that the muscle tissue and nerves are still "disorganized"after the last birth i had. i hope it will correct itself soon. i am really emotionally devastated by this.

Hi Jadeegg, I wouldn't worry too much. It is probably a postpartum thing, ie you have your mind on things other than sex for most of the time (which is probably a good thing with an 18 month old toddler to keep an eye on!). I am sure that when you feel a bit better about your body, and have some time and energy for feeling sexy again, orgasm will come back into your life. Undies, lingerie and other clothes that feel nice on your body might help you to get back to the sensual and sexual side of life. As my current favourite Blues singer/songwriter, Fiona Boyes, writes, "There is a time and a season for everything under the sun".

If it is any consolation I rediscovered orgasm after I POPped! Ironically, I think POP produced a new awareness of how important my femaleness was to me, and I became able to enjoy it, really for the first time in my life (once I got over the initial grief and started to see some progress). A few years down the track I have now experienced menopause, and it is no different, other than taking longer, being a bit gentler, and having to use a bit more lube. This gives me more opportunity to enjoy the journey, so it is all good. Hope your experience is similar, but I don't think you'll have to wait that long! I just didn't work on it for 'too many' years. (shrugs...)

It is still hiding within you, believe me!

Louise

Just came to second that sex really improves POP.
After I had found my cystocele, I was scared to have sex for (blush) 6-7 months! Looking back now, boy, was I a chicken! lol I took these ladies ' advice, had a glass of wine and went for it...and it really helped! My cervix is always higher, cystocele behaves better when our sex life is regular. My hubby did not notice any difference, so it is great, but all the ladies here reported the same.

Do not worry, go for it! :)

Liv

Oh, my gosh - since I am twiddling my thumbs for two weeks here now, waiting, waiting, waiting, while the pressary gets not delivered, then the wrong package delivered, then back to the company, then in for the fitting, then not arrived.... Trying to keep myself from worrying, trying to keep myself from despairing, trying to deal with the grief of saying bye bye to life as I know it...

I have been reading, reading on this site, inbetween doing a little freelance type work at home. And my gosh, these posts are hysterical and touching all at the same time.

I am continually amazed at the wise, witty, comforting, insightful comments I see on here, that are really all a zillion different slices of life that soooooo ring with truth.

I was just reading about sex with one's spouse and I was so transported back to sex with my husband back in the good ol' days of before kids and when the kids were little.

Clinging to the bedpost as my husband just two and a half weeks post partum my husband said he CAN'T not have sex with me for six weeks! And clinging and thinking, o my gosh, can you DIE from having sex only a couple of weeks after having a baby? What's going to happen to me? lol

As I look back with laughter on my own stories that you've reminded me of here, and as I read your stories of intimacies, I see how sweet it is - your husbands love you. You're wanted just as you are.

The last comment I read was Louise writing how while we're thinking about changes in our bodies after babies, and agonizing over how we now look, how we might look, how high are my breasts now, is my waist much bigger, can I get the light off without him noticing.... the guy's just thinking about getting his pants off fast. LOL LOL LOL

Sooooooooo true. lol

LOL! I remember hearing somebody back in the mid-1980's when the AIDS epidemic was shocking the world for the first time. They said,

"Women *have* to be responsible for correct condom use, because men have trouble enough getting their fly undone when they think they are in with a chance, let alone remembering where the condom is stashed, fumbling around for it, finding the little slit in the edge of the packet, ripping it in the right spot, getting the slippery little beast out without damaging it or dropping it, making sure it is not inside out, positioning it correctly while pinching its little hat, and unrolling it all the way to the top without trapping any pubic hairs!"

There's no doubt about it, men think quite differently from women in this department.

Perhaps DH and I didn't practise enough with condoms? One of our kids was caused by too-late-getting-it-on, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world!

LOL : ) You are so funny. And yeah, I kind-of have a child coming to this planet experience like that too. Late at night. A Monday night. Waking up and thinking, "Wait, what's that?"

Then..........my saying, "Nooooooooo!"

I had just had a baby!!! And I was like, "What the heck, I didn't even participate, just boom...I wake up and it's almost over?" lol I THREW on the light, practically RAN to the bathroom, rushed into a loooong shower.

Came back growling at him. He was asleep smiling.

And I woke him up, saying, "Look at this calendar. Because I am marking it. Beacause we both know I am going to end up pregnant from this! And I JUST HAD a baby! I can't handle this! Remember this~"

LOL He was like, uh, little overreactive, overexcited there, hon? lol

Sure enough - that was how my son was conceived!

Men. That night all he could think about was howling at the moon and getting you know. And two months later he was like, what, huh? You're pregnant??? Again??

As if it were shocking news. lol

And yeah, I agree, on not changing it. My son's the greatest. So yeah, that night worked out for me. hahaha

And yeah, that's so funny, the condom being the responsibility of the woman. Well said.

I'm new here and I really enjoy the Whole Woman forum. I recently had a pessary inserted by my dr. Can you still have sex with the pessary in?

Can u have sex with a pessary in?

I did a little look around the web, and the sites I read said that you can, sometimes depending on what kind of pessary it is.

Hello Urey and welcome to whole woman. You said you have been enjoying reading the forum, and I hope you take some time to read this site as well. Christine has helped so many of us to naturally manage our prolapses with her wonderful research and work. It is well worth having a look around.
Lots of great information!