HARD WEEK!

Submitted by BSMrunner on October 17, 2009 - 3:32pm
Body: 

Thank you so much for your responses... Sometimes I get tangled in the web of threads and become so overwhelmed...I just have to turn it off and get away from it.

I ran the Big Sur Marathon (BSMrunner) 2 weeks before I got pregnant. My husband and I dreamed of doing different marathons after the birth of our son. Who knew it would be the last race I ran? I had read about improved performance capabilities after giving birth and fully planned on taking advantage of these hormonal changes. I know that even though I am a runner, it is not “who I am”; it is “what I love to do”, but so much of my identity is wrapped up in my active lifestyle. It certainly does not help that my husband is a baseball coach, runner, weight lifter, cyclist, triathlete with 7% body fat (seriously) and his life has not had to change at all. You know your body will shift with pregnancy, you know that you are the one who changes, meanwhile your husband’s life is unaffected except now he has a child and a sobbing wife who can’t do all the things we used to do together. He still gets to go and be and do and I am stuck with the
repercussions of being a really bad statistic.

Coping with this is so palpable on so many levels. I have to look in the mirror and accept the stretch marks and the saggy skin and know that this is the price of a child, of the love of my life; these things seem insignificant to a vagina that is collapsing and internal organs that have suddenly decided to try and fall out! I feel SO unattractive. Never mind the once 6 pack that is gone, never mind the taught firm body, the strength and sleekness of being an athlete. I remember at three and a half months postpartum when I hadn’t yet lost all of the baby weight how much I was upset with being overweight. Geeze I was so unkind to myself. Who knew that it would be the least of my concerns? If I had just been patient and had the foresight to know I would weigh less than I did before I got pregnant in a few short months. That old college soccer motto you hear you coach in your ear “can you go?” injury
and all…of course I can go! And so you push through discomfort and that nagging feeling that something just isn’t right. You push through the feeling that maybe jumping around and exercising isn’t the best idea because you have pushed through much worse before….and then you find yourself doing more damage than you can ever imagine you could inflict upon yourself. You find yourself faced with the most unimaginable injury that you cannot find words to describe the devastation or the dark places you will find inside yourself. Only then do you realize how unkind you have been to yourself.

“If only”- those word ring in my ears!…. I am past the point of wanting to sleep all the time because when you sleep you don’t have to think about what has happened. I have been to some very dark places in my mind and heart. I also have gotten to a place where I haven’t cried for two weeks. ..but then I am set back, I am overcome by sadness…I feel as
though I am drowning and I cannot breathe. No one is able to fully grasp what you are dealing with except if they have gone through it themselves. If I had known that this would happen I would never had gone through with the pregnancy, but looking into the eyes of my child, touching his soft pale skin and feeling the warmth of his sweet breath I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. It’s just that you are not supposed to have to make those bargains; you are not supposed to have to deal with this. IT IS SO UNFAIR! I think “Why not some fat, smoking, McDonalds eating gave birth to 8 kids lady?” Not very nice the thoughts I have huh? I guess the flip-side to this is “why not me?” someone has to be the statistic. You just don’t bank on it being you! I try to think of all the things I have to be thankful for…sigh. I know I am not dying although it feels like a piece of me has. What is also difficult is that I don’t look broken from
the outside. People have no idea how truly injured I am. My legs work, but I cannot run. I am not paralyzed but my actions are limited. One piece of me wants to sit in one place forever…don’t let it get any worse. Another part of me says run to your hearts content train for that Ironman and when everything just breaks free just go get it all surgically repaired…but I also know what surgery can mean. I hate that when I find out someone is pregnant I think of the potential injury they may incur. I hate that I wish it were someone else instead of me. I hate that I did everything in my power to avoid a birth injury and I got one anyway.

I have had a really really hard week.

bad_mirror

October 17, 2009 - 10:44pm

Wow. You are having some intense emotions about this, aren't you. I am so sorry this has got you so down. Know that all of your feelings are valid, but I am worried for you. Have you been able to get that counseling you were talking about? Cyber-comrades are great, but maybe you will appreciate having someone "real" to talk to. Ok, these are all kind of lame when you are in that "deep" place as you are now, but here are a few things to remember:

1. This will not kill you. In my early days when I was sob-hiccuping to my husband, he said, "This isn't cancer." And he is right. I work with some very sick people, on lots of medications, who can't control their bladders or bowels, who are often scared because their minds do not work rationally, who are lonely because their families stay away, who do not remember what it was like to not have pain. I am reminded how lucky I am that *this* is all I've got to deal with.

2. I have every confidence that you will again be able to identify yourself as a runner. However, if it doesn't happen I remember something that alemama said to another runner: why not become a bi-athlete? Swim and bike. Train to swim the English channel! Bike across the country! You don't have to sit on the couch the rest of your life. I am sure you will be able to run, but if not, I am sure you will be able to adapt your athletic identity to an equally satisfying sport.

3. In my early days, once when I was crying to my mom, she said, "How would you help your patient with this as a nurse?" That really got me thinking -- how would I help someone else to cope, and why not apply that to myself? You are a PT, right? How would you help someone with a new disability find satisfaction in their activities? Don't you deserve the same help?

4. Apply that "why not me?" thinking to your healing. You will heal. You will not miss out on what you love. Most pp women here that I've followed have significantly reversed their prolapses. Why not you, too?

Have you got the DVD? Are you working on the posture? Do you firebreathe? Nauli? Cut down your omega-6 and up your omega-3? Are you walking up hills? There are so, so, so many tools available to help with POP. You are a strong lady and will get through this.

granolamom

October 18, 2009 - 10:04am

yes, hope

but this right now is grief. and mourning of a true and significant loss. not to say you won't regain your active lifestyle, but for now it is a loss. you do sound like a strong (physically and emotionally) woman, I believe you will make it through to the other side, but for now, yes, the dark places can creep up on you now and then.

for many of us, especially the pp mamas, this is our first 'big loss' and learning to grieve and to cope, to gain acceptance and hope is a challenge. but it is a life skill, and no one alive is guaranteed a life free of loss.
so get on with the learning, you're a smart girl, you can and you will learn to cope with this. but like everything else, there is a learning curve and it takes time. get the support you need, be gentle on yourself, grab hold of whatever it is you believe in to get you through the dark times.

why you? I wish I knew. I asked that 'why me' question a thousand times. I'd recommend leaving the blame aside though. lots of women push their bodies pp and dont' end up with a prolapse. so you have no conclusive way of knowing it was your fault. I prefer to assign it to random luck or G-d's will or life teaching you a Big Lesson or whatever else. Responsibility comes in now, you choose how you will deal with this problem, you take responsibility for your health and body integrity now that you know what you know.

my heart really goes out to you, and to all women who find their POP's pp. especially after the first baby. there is so much to adjust to, becoming a mother, there's loss there too, and the hormones don't help any either.
things will calm down for you and start to look up. you will get through this.

we're here to help/listen

clavicula

October 18, 2009 - 10:34am

So sorry you have to go through this! My heart goes for you runners, athletes, active moms. I am a couch potato (a lucky pin thin one though), so my life after POP is quite the same. It must be a huge shock for an athlete!

I have no idea what to say, I think we all have to cope with these grieving stages of this process, but there is hope at the end. Just came to encourege you, you can do this, you can cope with this and accept this new normal of you! We are here to listen and say some silly things. You are loved here. Don't give up, grieve, and believe in healing!

Liv

louiseds

October 20, 2009 - 2:04am

Hi BSMrunner

(((hugs))) from me too, cos I too know that dark places are not nice to be in. Injury or discovering that your body is not what you expected it to be, is always traumatic and grief ridden. Recovery is always slower than you want it to be, and there will always be setbacks. Every setback you have and recover from reinforces your faith that it can recover again next time. Learning to trust your body again is a big part of this work. You will probably find that you will change your expectations of your body after this experience. Somehow, having a baby changes all our priorities a bit.

Last point. How many fat, smoking McDonalds eaters end up as fat elderly people in nursing homes? Not many, because statistically, they will die before they get there.

Love your new body and nurture it. Love your husband. Can the jealousy/resentment - it will eat you alive. Love your baby. I know it's hard. You will prevail and get better.

Louise