Broken down newbie.

Submitted by mask on November 22, 2009 - 9:38pm
Body: 

Hello forum,

I've been reading for the past day and know I've barely scratched the surface but I'm at the emotional stage I guess.

I found something wrong with my body two days ago and couldn't find a Dr to see. So I emailed photos to my midwife who said it was some sort of prolapse.

I can't stop throwing up and crying, I don't really know how to move past this. I can't stop having panic attacks. And I'm a woman who does not cry!

I think I have a cystocele but I don't know. Everything seems ruined down there.

I've got an appointment to a pelvic floor physio tomorrow, hopefully they can help. Not knowing is making me crazy. I honestly can't eat or sleep.

I had a baby 9 months ago, I keep seeing posts from people saying they had a prolapse 8 weeks post partum which to me seems early enough to hope for reversal. I'm 9 MONTHS. He's breastfed and I would wear him in a sling which hurt my should and I have body pains now all the time. He was my first birth after 2 caesareans, one of my proudest accomplishments. Now I regret every moment of it. I read no studies prove c-sections are safer for POP, but they were for me.

I'm prepared to do anything to fix this, to make it go away. I just want to be as I was before. Can I hope for that? Or am I broken forever? Are near reversal stories only for cervix and uterus prolapse?

I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I'm just really upset and still want a professional to confirm it for me. Looking let alone touching myself makes me vomit from anxiety right now.

nikki4444

November 22, 2009 - 10:02pm

Mask:

I feel so very sorry for you right now. I know exactly how you feel - I've been there and done that. Now for the positives - many many many people find much much improvement years after postpartum. 9 months is still very early in your journey after birth. And, don't beat yourself up over the birth. Your little man is here and healthy with a wonderful family. Try everything you can to focus on the joy that is him. Don't let prolapse take away that joy. Don't let it rob you of that. 9 months of age is such a wonderful gift. I imagine he is all chunky, smily, cute and snuggly. Oh - I wish I could hold him!!! Maybe something would have gone wrong with a c-section (one can never know).

Just get into the posture. Don't get constipated - which means eat a lot of fiber foods - apples, prunes, whole grains, etc. Learn about firebreathing on here. And, if you ever ever need a shoulder to lean on - post on here. I wish I could give you my phone number to talk to you in person. I remember those days/months/year after inital discovery {shudder}. You will be OK...you will be healthier after some changes...you will go on.

Love and hugs,
Nikki

mask

November 22, 2009 - 10:15pm

Nikki - people find improvement years after? Does it seem like a bad sign it took till 9months for me to notice a problem? Does that mean I'm more seriously damaged? I know you can't know - I guess I'm just clinging to anecdotal information & evidence. I'm 26, which I hoped would give me more of a chance to spring back from this but I don't know.

Right now I'm such a mess I'm a bad mother, I need him out of the room a lot so I can cope mentally these past two or so days. My midwife said that sometimes a second baby fixes everything, some of her clients have had total reversal after a second birth. The thought of having another baby is just beyond horrific right now.

I'm also in Australia, but thankyou for thinking of offering your number to me even hypothetically -hug-. I'll keep posting here.

I'm looking for the posture info now. I've also just got an appointment with a Dr in an hour.

bad_mirror

November 22, 2009 - 11:22pm

Only have second -- read all posts by granolamom. She found her cystocele at 18 months pp, has had two babies since, and says her cystocele is smaller and higher and in no way inhibits her life. You will be well. Start the posture, get the DVD, take a deep breath and know that your healing is just beginning.

ETA: yes, pp healing goes on for years, so I hear told over and over. In the UK, they do not evaluate for prolapse until one year pp. In Chinese medicine, the pp period is two years.

aza

November 23, 2009 - 1:07pm

Hi Mask,
Take some deep breaths and find your center, love! Something tells me that you must be a pretty incredible women to have had your 3 birth experiences. Sounds to me like this is hitting you at levels far deeper than the physical aspect of a possible POP of some kind and some degree, of which all seem to be unknown right now.
There is far more likelihood that 2 sections would have compromised your pelvic floor and have been a massive contributing factor to what is going on than birthing your 3rd vaginally. Anything is possible, of course, but why so quick to assume the vaginal birth was the culprit?
People definitely heal even when things change, drop, bulge, sag etc months and even years down the track. I am not sure why things happen when they do - hormone levels have a lot to do with it, I assume - but you are 26 and the sky is the limit for how you can heal and also regain far more familiarity and comfort with your pelvic floor than ever before.
Please be careful with who you allow to assess your body, especially when you are feeling so vulnerable! I am not sure how you managed a VBA2C but I am guessing you didn't do so in the hospital or with doctors. This is a similar situation. Surgeons know surgery, midwives and others know the natural body (gross generalisation, but still). Can you ask around in your area for midwives or physios who have a particular specialty in pelvic floor stuff?
I hope you are feeling better :)

nikki4444

November 23, 2009 - 3:25pm

Mask:

How was your doctor appointment? Give your little guy a big snuggle!

-Nikki

granolamom

November 23, 2009 - 4:37pm

haven't had time to read the other responses, so maybe am redundant. am short on time.

first, be proud of your birth, mama. be very proud!
those c/s may not have been preventing a prolapse, for all you know the damage incured during major ab surgery is what didn't protect you from prolapse during your vaginal delivery. either way, you will never know. there is no looking backward sometimes.

now listen to me. you ARE NOT broken and certainly not forever. you may not be as you were before, but such is life. things happen to us and we change, we grow, all that. I didn't find my prolapse until my then youngest was 18 mo. and I had enough progress to allow me to feel 'back to normal' and to live my life as I would've without ever knowing what a prolapse was. you can get there too.
but it takes time.
I very clearly remember the constant crying and yes, throwing up. prolapse is so so horrifying when you first find one!
but
this is not life threatening.
nothing is ruined.

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

louiseds

November 24, 2009 - 8:40am

Sorry to hear that this has hit you so hard. It sounds like you feel very alone and unable to move forward. Aza is right. This has hit you really deep down in your soul.

Yes, Granolamom is one woman for you to follow carefully. She has been so low. Now she is enjoying having her fifth baby at the breast, and going well. She also trusts her body to recover from birth and not leave her worse off as a result of the fifth baby. No, you are not broken forever.It is amazing the recovery you will get, and you will be able to get on with your life again. All is not ruined. You just need to learn how to drive your body a bit differently from how you have before.

You can read my story in the Members' Stories Forum. I am in WA. We are everywhere!

Check out the FAQ's on the main site and see if you can understand how Wholewoman posture works. The secret is in staying tall, whether standing or sitting, allowing your belly to relax to give your uterus and bladder some room up front, and not squashing it behind clothes that compress it. Get those beautiful bountiful boobs up front. Let the world know they are there! Forget about tucking your tummy in and butt under. Keep your diet high in fibre and plenty of fluids. (And get yourself some comfy bathers for summer. If today is any hint of things to come, the water will be a good place this summer!)

Love your body, Mask. It has done an amazing thing in growing three lovely babies. Their Dad and the rest of your family must be so proud of you. You can do this, with help from professionals and from us here. I would strongly suggest buying Saving the Whole Woman, Christine Kent's book, so you can get your head around how your body really works. In the meantime you can see some sections of the First Aid for Prolapse DVD on YouTube. WholewomanInc is Christine's channel. Christine's ways of looking at the body are fundamentally different from mainstream. Once you understand them fully you will be able to judge for yourself what is good for your body. Your body will tell you when you are doing things right.

I would also suggest that you go get yourself a nice relaxing massage if the thought of it is not completely offputting. You could do with a treat.

Keep calling back.

Louise

clavicula

November 25, 2009 - 11:14am

Just want to send you some hugs, I've been there, I now you feel awful-now. But it will get better. So much better.
There is a new article here, posted by Lyricmama. According to this, almost every woman have prolapse. Maybe this fact won't help you at all, but it helped me not to feel alone. Actually, I feel more normal now.

We are here to help!
Liv