Finally had a look and a feel - eeeeeekkkk

Submitted by Aussie Mum on May 16, 2010 - 9:29pm
Body: 

Ok, so I did it, I had a look.... last time I was posting a couple of you were encouraging me to have a look as I was pretty freaked out about doing so. Looking is not so bad - I really can't see much, can't see any prolapse..... but feeling inside is BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to see a midwife the other week who gave me a proper examination, and she explained that I have some scarring - one area was probably a tear that has healed, another is from forceps damage, and also there is an area where stitching not great - the lower layer of tissue was not stitched. Very overwhelming and I feel VERY damaged and quite down about it all. I am coping with the idea of the prolapse, although still feel some bulging (no longer get dragging falling out feeling) - really hate the bulging feeling but as I have become very sedentary lately I am not noticing it so much (sedentary partly due to hating the feeling so much).

On the other hand this scarring is just awful! The midwife recommends touching the area, and sort of massaging it to help it heal. She said I will need a lot of determination, which I do..... but it feels horrible. All lumpy inside. I think I can feel the rectocele, ewwwww too, but it is the combination of everything feeling so different and not good that is upsetting me.

Has anyone else had scarring internally after childbirth - did it improve a lot?

clavicula

May 17, 2010 - 1:05am

After my 3rd birth I tore deeply (due to a relly fast birth I guess). I didn't even know it but after a year or so the scar started to pull more so I found it. :) By the time it got better, the area is rather tight than lumpy.

...and since my uterus is in the right place (not retroverted anymore due to the posture), the scar pulls a bit here and there because my vaginal walls are aligned better this way and tighter? This is just my theory though.

HTH
Liv

louiseds

May 17, 2010 - 6:26am

Hi AussieMum

Yes, I have a few strange tags and bumps since the big epi and forceps from my first (fully managed') birth. It used to pull a bit, but it is OK now. OK, so actually everything has stopped being tight 28 years later!!

I had a feel around myself a couple of weeks ago. I never realised that it feels like on the lefthand side that big triangular muscle that is deep inside seems to be completely absent. I guess that means it was never sewn back together again after the extraction, so no wonder if all feels a bit odd in there?

However, the body is quite amazing. It is only when I am constipated that I get any bulges through the space. Some other muscles must be compensating for it. It just blows me away that there are fallback mechanisms for so many parts of the body. We can compensate in so many ways.

Mind you, I find that running my tongue around inside my mouth any irregularity seems to take up half my mouth space. I think when I feel in my vagina there is a similar cognitive distortion. What feels like enormous bumps are probably quite small. The fact that you can't actually see anything probably means that there is nothing enormous. It just feels enormous.

Your vagina is not a tardis, any more than mine is.;-)

Cheers

Louise

Aussie Mum

May 17, 2010 - 8:23am

Hi Louise and Liv

Thanks for your replies. So it sounds like scarring eventually goes away. Althought I am wondering about the area where the top layer was sewn but the layer of tissue below wasn't - I wonder what will happen with that....

I think I can see a funny bump just at the outside of my vagina - but I really didn't look that closely before and can't recall what it looked like! Yes, what you said is similar to what my husband said last night - when you get an ulcer in your mouth it feels so much huger than it is, so is probably a similar thing. Even so, it is quite disconcerting as it feels very very wrong in there!! I am so sick of this, I am almost shutting down over it - feel like crying but can't.

My goodness, not feeling a muscle that should be there is a bit of a worry, but I suppose if it isn't bothering you in any way that is ok. I am sure my body has compensated in some way, but I can't have sex at all at the moment, ok so it is only 5 months pp, but feels like I won't be having sex for a long time at this rate........ emotionally was coming up for air again, but now feel ovewhelmed.

louiseds

May 17, 2010 - 10:26am

Hi Aussie Mum

There is a lady called Sue, who comes from UK. She invented the term "Checkarama" for when you can't stop checking and obsessing about what your vagina looks/feels like.

It looks like you are developing a dose of Checkarama. The cure is to not look or feel too often, and eventually the desire goes away. So from now on you are not allowed to check more than once a month. Think of the time and energy you will save!

Checkarama is not harmless. It will chew up your life, and checking does not equate to healing, so just open the door and let the wind take your checkarama out of your life. Take your cues from what sensations you feel in your body, not what you can see with your eyes or feel with your fingers. Pay more attention to how the way you use your body affects your symptoms, and what positive effects follow on from using your body in better ways.

Yes, 5 months is indeed early days postpartum. That horrible 3-9 month time will pass soon enough, and you should start to see some improvement.

Hang in there dear. I am sure your interest in sex will come back when your oestrogen levels build up again. Don't hurry coitus. There are lots of other ways you can enjoy each other, rather than aiming at gettin' a bit every time. You will know when the time is right. Lube up and enjoy when you are ready. Coitus is really very good for POPs. Gets everything back where it belongs, especially with you on top.

:-)

tobia48

May 17, 2010 - 12:19pm

Hey, the most powerful sex organ you have is your brain! It's still in tact, so I say, get yourself a nice new piece of lingerie, take a nice bubble bath, and remember the power of the brain! I promise you that things will improve in the sex department.

Aussie Mum

May 17, 2010 - 5:34pm

Tee hee, funny term but I like it :-) But I assure you, I don't have this going on - it is that I have been advised to apply manuka honey to the area to help healing, and vitamin E. And also to purposely touch the area to help scar tissue heal - like massaging it gently. My issue is I don't want to touch it as it freaks me out!!! The midwife who has advised this has a lot of experience in this area, and I guess it will get easier.....

It is not that I am not interested in sex - it is that it hurts (not that I have even got very far.....) I feel too internally damaged for sex. I am glad I am not younger actually as would have found this much more distressing when sex was more a priority than it is now ;-) Even so, at this rate it seems a long way off..... yes Tobia48 will have to think of other things (don't have a bath unfortunately)....

lyntongirl

May 24, 2010 - 11:41pm

Very useful advice, i like it mind over matter, the lingerie and buble bath too:0)

Aussie Mum

May 25, 2010 - 1:16am

So far we have got as far as a massage:) Hubby is so understanding bless him.

I am wondering - have any of you noticed that the bulge gets smaller over time? Mine feels big! So much for 'grade 1' - which is from an examination when you are lying on your back - when I am standing it feels big - like I have to bend forward to actually feel inside or the bulge will block the way if you know what I mean. Is this what others have?

cararosesmum

May 25, 2010 - 4:38am

Aussie mum, I know exactly how you feel (and I'm an Aussie Mum too). it's hard to believe that it can be a 'mild' prolapse when you can feel your fanny bulging out. But believe me, you just have to relax about it. After a few months of bodywork, using the posture as much as possible there may be days when you don't feel the bulge at all. And if you stand upright and spread your legs apart when you are feeling you are in prime position to make the prolapse stick out to it's full extent and it will feel as bad as it gets. I've found it much more helpful to stand in the posture, feet only slightly apart, make sure you have a definite lumbar curve in place and reach backwards between your legs and feel from behind. My prolapse feels much smaller in that position.
I have a mild prolapse, and it's taken me months to get my head around the idea that my bulge isn't going to go away. But there ae days when I can hardly feel it, and on the bad days I reassure myself with the fact that I'm doing everything in my power to stop it getting any worse. And believe, there are many many women who would love to have just our little prolapses.
Oh, and lastly, your hubby doesn't care! That's the vagina that gave him his children, it's one of his favourite things in the world!
Hope this helps, hang in there, I promise you will slowly start to feel better and accept the new you. xx

kiki

May 25, 2010 - 8:28am

mine are "mild" but sometimes look huge. how can that be mild? lying down they completely disappear, but didn't used to
but, i go on the day to day and most of the time down feel them unless i go looking.
best is not to and then they feel fabulously mild to me as far as i'm concerned.

but i know, scary to go looking...ban mirrors perhaps? ;-)

Aussie Mum

May 26, 2010 - 2:47am

Thanks for your replies - it seems many of us have a similar process we go through upon discovering POP! Sounds like learning to accept the changes is a big part. Carosesmum, thank you, I tried with my legs closer together and not as bad, I still need to lean forward a bit, keeping lumbar curve in place. I think mine probably goes when lying down Kiki, or otherwise the gyno wouldn't have said it is hardly there (I don't believe her still!). I am actually not wanting to poke around in there but need to apply some cream etc. The manuka honey I have used seems to have helped my scarring, I can't notice it as much already.

Ok, I will hang in there...... I did actually spend today walking around a shopping centre and don't feel much worse for it which is amazing really. What I have read from others on here after a few months pp things start to really improve, I think the 4 month mark was a big step, but the past couple of weeks have been leaps and bounds as far as being able to get around. It is so helpful to read others experiences on this site, I have found it invaluable. Thanks again :)

louiseds

June 3, 2010 - 12:36am

Hi Aussie Mum

I used to have to lean forward slightly, but I was getting a lot of of mid back and shoulder pain. Then I started doing a lot of arm and veil work with bellydance, and that has strengthened my upper back and made my upper back and shoulders much more flexible. Now I no longer have to lean forward slightly, so I think my back muscles no longer have to be in tension just to stand, so they relax and don't hurt any more. It is a process of continuous adjustment, this journey to perfect posture. You alter one thing, and another goes out. I am continuing to strive for literal balance, so everything is engaged, but nothing is tense when I am standing.

Another thought, now I am 'oldish', and have done my child bearing, and have stretched and become a bit of a loose woman, my POP's bulges are not the only bits that seem to be in the wrong place. This too will come to you if you receive the privilege of living long enough. ;-)

One of the head changes you make as an older woman is that there is no point in worrying about every bulge. You would go nuts! I would have to say that my POP bulges have never been hard bulges. They have always been big but relatively soft. Now, after 5 1/2 years of Wholewoman they are still large, but quite shallow, if you know what I mean. I have never had anything that was as well-defined as a grape, or a walnut. I suspect yours will become less prominent in time too. It has been the mobility of my whole uterus and whole bladder that has been the concern for me, rather than little bulges.

Louise