My Story

Submitted by Mylah on January 26, 2012 - 6:20am
Body: 

My Story
Goes a long way back to when I gave birth to my first baby. It was quite a difficult forceps delivery. Afterwards I, along with 3 other women who had birthed in the same delivery suite all contracted a very nasty infection in the episiotomy cut, a week later they found the right antibiotic to deal with the infection. The doctors offered me the option of having a minor repair on the original episiotomy, as of course it hadn't healed at all due to the infection. They said that it would eventually heal on its by granulation, but that may leave me with a problem in later life, ie weak back vaginal wall. I decided against the repair because I'd had enough of being pulled about etc and was very worried that the rough up of the edges of the infection damaged tissue and re-sewing would maybe result in further infection, I just felt I couldn't risk it, or face it at the time. After 2 weeks of suffering in hospital lol, I just so wanted to get home. It took about 3 months for it to heal to the point where I could sit down without wincing.
After the birth of my second baby 2 years later, I had no problem apart from some only to be expected soreness which soon cleared up.

Way back in my 30’s I felt quite a bit of a aching sensation in my perineum area when standing for any length of time and lifting any heavy, moving furniture etc. Tried the usual pelvic floor exercises on and off over the years but was never really sure if I was doing them correctly.

Since I went through the menopause 5 years ago I’ve had increasing problems with generalised aching and pain in my pelvis area and vagina.
I noticed these smallish soft swellings inside my vagina about 2 years ago, which hadn’t been there before, the front one is the largest, smaller one at the back and they are both just about staying inside my vagina.
I’ve also been diagnosed with diverticulitis/IBS and have increasing problems with constipation which has made the prolapse worse. Next came the hemroid, nightmare of all nightmares lol, it comes and goes, and unfortunately was to shy to make an appearance when I saw the Colorectal Specialist so he decided I have a skin tag not a hemroid. Yes I have a small skin tag but also a hemroid that seems, when it appears, to take the place of the skin tag.

The effect of all these comparatively minor age related health problems taken individually are not much of a problem but combined they have had an immense impact on my life in general. The intimate side of the relationship with my husband has suffered intercourse became so uncomfortable and unrewarding for me ,and him we sort of put it on hold for a while in the hope of getting some help from the doctors. Which hasn’t really been forth coming their attitude seems to be that the prolapse doesn’t look to bad! They prescribe HRT pessaries which I think do help slightly and sent me to a Womens Health Physiotherapist for help with making sure I was doing the kegal/pelvic floor exercises correctly, strangely the PFE’s after doing 4 -5 of them I totally loose sensation as to whether I’m tensing drawing up the right muscles, plus continueing with them causes pain in my pelvis which medic people tell me they shouldn’t. I’ve tried cones, and Kegal 8 Pelvic Floor Exerciser electronic thingy, all with the same result, no improvement in the proplapse and more pelvic/tummy pain.

I didn’t have a lot of faith in the WH Physio partly her attitude, and partly because she was blind (no offence intended to blind people) she spent far more time (25 mins) sat with her back to me taking down the history of my problems on her talking PC than she did concentrating on coaching me on the exercises, (5 mins).

The end result of all this is our marriage is pretty much on the rocks. We have separate rooms, pretty much separate lives and no physical contact at all for almost 3 months now. I’ve seen an unpleasant side to my husband nature, Boy oh boy is that an understatement, he has behaved as if he is the only one affected by lack of sex in our marriage, made repeated sly asides about trading me in for a younger model, getting a second wife, and mentioned how cheap and available prostituites are!!! How I feel about him? disgusted, saddened and...........murderous!!!!

So sorry about the long sad post, but it has felt good to get it off my chest for the first time.

Forum:

Surviving60

January 26, 2012 - 7:09am

Hi Mylah - thank you for sharing your story. You feel like your body is letting you down, but that is nothing compared to how that husband of yours has let you down! Let me say that on this forum you will find worlds of help, and the most wonderful caring community of folks anywhere. You'll be able to improve your physical situation, but I fear that man of yours is beyond hope. Stick right here!! Read this website and forum, ditch everything else you've been trying. - Surviving

curiousity

January 26, 2012 - 5:00pm

Thank you for sharing your story Mylah. My partner and I faced huge issues with sex and intimacy after we had our kids (as is very common I believe, from talking to friends and watching the world go by). There was one thing that helped us enormously (and probably saved our relationship when I think about it), and that was a book called Good Loving, Great Sex by an Australian woman, Rosie King. She has this concept of the pursuer/distancer cycle - the person who does want sex being the pursuer and the person who doesn't being the distancer, and how it just gets worse and worse if something isn't done. Then she talks all about how you cannot have good sex without having a good relationship, and some practical ideas around that. Then finally, she has a whole section on increasing your sexual repertoire. So for example if intercourse is out the question, the there are a whole lot of other things that you can engage in. All of this sounds like such common sense but it took a book for us to recognize all of this and do something about it.

I know I sometimes felt that I couldn't believe my partner was being so petty and cruel about sex but he was actually really sad and scared that he had lost sex, something that is incredibly important to him.

I'm not saying you and your husband are the same - just thought I'd throw my experience in there to see if it helped. And I am in no way excusing what are the very hurtful things your husband is saying to you...

Mylah

January 26, 2012 - 5:28pm

Thanks Surviving and curiosity, I'l certainly look into finding the book you suggest. Right now it is difficult to fore see what will happen with our relationship. Tomorrow he is going out for lunch with a male friend, this is a new developement, he has never been interested in spending any time at all with other men, and unsurprisingly I'm suspicious of who he will really be spending time with, short of constant checking up or following him every where there isn't much I can do but accept the situation for the time being. I'm 55 he is 62, we've been together for 20 years there has been quite a bit of forgiving and forgetting on both sides over the years. I can't figure a way forward towards forgiving him, I definately won't forget.
For now I feel I need to concentrate on improving my health for my own sake and worry about "whatever" else is going on further down the road.

louiseds

January 26, 2012 - 11:00pm

Hi Mylah

I think your story is repeated in many marriages. There is no doubt that sexual relations do change as we have menopausal changes. It is like the whole relationship has to be renegotiated. I am doing the same myself.

It is so hard, when you have been hurt, to see that this husband of yours could be coming from anywhere other than where he says he is coming from. However, he may feel that you have rejected him, rather than simply deciding that you don't like the sexual part of the relationship because it hurts!

One thing's for sure, you can no sooner control or manipulate his sexuality than he can control or manipulate your sexuality. It sounds like he is trying to make you jealous, which is a pretty childish and self-centred way of trying to get you 'interested' in him again. His lunch appointment may also be quite innocent friendship. Men need men's company too, the same as women need women's company. I wouldn't read too much into his lunch appointment.

I think it is your personal relationship with him which needs an overhaul. The repair of your sexual relationship may come later. You will find ways of expressing your sexual relationship with each other if your personal relationship is renewed and enriched.

Or you might find that your paths are moving apart, and that you don't want to grow old together. There is no point in both of you suffering if this is the case.

In my opinion, at the moment, he thinks he is the potent man with the whip hand, and can seek company of whatever sort elsewhere, while you are the walking wounded who is being cruel to him by denying him the use of your vagina for his sexual needs. Sorry, but there is more to a balanced sexual relationship than this.

I too am interested in this book, because I have been thinking about 'distance between us' lately. I feel like a different woman post-menopause (3 years ago); I am not the woman my husband married 33 years ago. I am much richer and wiser, and less likely to put myself through sexual or other pain and discomfort for the sake of DH, when I don't feel it is reciprocated.

We have been through a lot together and I don't want to throw it away, so some renovation is needed. Recycling rules!

Louise

Mylah

January 27, 2012 - 5:21am

Louise wrote
"In my opinion, at the moment, he thinks he is the potent man with the whip hand, and can seek company of whatever sort elsewhere, while you are the walking wounded who is being cruel to him by denying him the use of your vagina for his sexual needs."

Yes that hits the nail pretty much on the head. He has had to mention his high sex drive!!! lol
And then there is the blame factor, he thinks I could have made more effort, so this is not just seen as something has happened to "us" its just me being difficult, weak, uncaring of his needs etc.

Louise wrote
"Sorry, but there is more to a balanced sexual relationship than this."

Yes there is, sad fact is there is nothing to admire in his reaction to our difficulties in the sexual side of our relationship it has only added more problems to deal with.
The first one being that even I could comfortably resume a sexual relationship tomorrow I wouldn't want it to be with him, to my mind to risky when he may have been dabbling outside of relationship, last thing I need thrown into the mix is a potential STD.

I hope you and your other half can resolve whatever difficulties you are having x
Recycling....lol.... yes that's a good description.

Take care

Mylah

Surviving60

January 27, 2012 - 6:07am

Not to change the subject or anything, but Mylah you are here first and foremost to deal with your prolapse, and taking care of yourself in this regard is the main order of business! You will become stronger and more capable of dealing with the other issues in your life, when you start to feel your body coming back into your control. It takes time and work, so don't waste another day! The marriage may or may not be salvageable, but you and your body are stuck with each other forever. You can learn to love and respect it again.

Mylah

January 27, 2012 - 6:37am

lol strangely enough Surviving I was just thinking, or maybe just realising, that these marital problems are the strings not the bow and they are distracting me from my main objective which is to get better principally for my own benefit.
Sooooo onwards and hopefully upwards ;-) with the proplapse problem.

louiseds

January 27, 2012 - 7:45am

But, while prolapse is the main game here, there is no doubt that how one deals with one's sexuality and that of one's partner is a major consideration in the bigger picture, which concerns our sense of self worth, and how much blame and shame we carry quite unnecessarily.

Mylah, I think you have a very sensible approach. You are much more than a wife. You are you, and you will be the best 'you' that you can be.

Day by day. Baby steps. Miracles happen. You just gotta help them along.

Louise

cleo

January 27, 2012 - 10:02am

Yes worry about you Mylah as men can make you feel very unimportant at times but you need to ignore your husband and take care of yourself by coming to wholowoman when you are feeling miserable.Don't take notice of him as he is being silly.Surviving 60 is like me as i am 64 and i look after myself as if i don't no one else will .They will look after you on here if you stay around too.

marigold2

January 27, 2012 - 3:36pm

Hi Mylah
Thank you for sharing your story: it seems also several of us have some have something to share regarding POP, menopause and men! Talking about all these issues is such an important step in resolving difficulties. My husband has been pretty good about understanding that my daily life and sex life is restricted by a third degree rectocele - not too demanding for sex, he manages on once a week or so!, and helps more around the house than before, so I can continue with a part time teaching job then flop out at home in the evenings. However, the major issues between us are to do with money - can't really go into it - but I discovered something today that left me feeling like there was a loss of trust between us. That was about 4 hours ago. Well, I've said some prayers, confronted him about the issue, talked, cried discussed etc, with the end aim of somehow coming to a situation where we are both happy and can go to bed not in anger but in friendship. Amazing, but by working through what was a major issue so recently I can now say we have grown to a greater understanding for each other. So often my husband and I come from two opposing points of view, but somehow eventually begin to understand how he other sees the situation. With understanding comes acceptance.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing about a forum such as this, that you will probably get a really broad range of advice/suggestions? No right or wrong answers can be given here, just support and a sure knowledge that WW technique does help with managing prolapse.

I hope that things will become clearer for you in due course, forgiveness is possible (whatever the outcome for the marriage) although it is a tough rough road to get there.

Hugs love and prayers

marigold

louiseds

January 28, 2012 - 1:30am

Sometimes our response to what a man is expressing is not a reflection of how he really is feeling. A lot of male behaviour, I have concluded, is a self defence mechanism, and we take it personally, as an 'attack' on us ('attack being the best form of defence'), when we could interpret it more correctly as being a statement about the man himself, rather than as a statement about his wife.

Yes, Mylah, you need to not take this personally (even if it is personal) , but take appropriate precautions to protect yourself from the results of his behaviour, and work out your own future, whether he chooses to share it with you or not, and whether you invite him to share it with you or not. It is your liife. You only get one go at it. With understanding and acceptance from you, rather than judgement, he may get over it. I hope he does. Thirty years of marriage is not worth throwing away on a whim. You, like DH and I, have some very valuable years and some very valuable experiences between us, which we both value. Just don't expect him to initiate the snake pit conversation. Men don't willingly step into snake pits.

Stephen Covey wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective people series of books and resources. Once of the Habits is "Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood". Marigold and Mylah, those hard 'seeking to understand' conversations are so difficult to have with loved ones, with whom we go to bed and wake up each morning of our lives. They are a bit like entering a snake pit, but turn to something much warmer and less threatening once we are able to come to each other with our weapons left at the door. A position of greater understanding is best for all.

The situation I was in when I left our marriage briefly, made me feel like I couldn't trust DH to support me at all and I felt he was pushing me away, and I felt he was devaluing me. Later I found out that he was feeling very financially vulnerable at the time , and recognised that he had inadvertently put me at financial risk as well, which he was feeling really bad about. He was not in a good headspace at all. I think his negative behaviour towards me was him trying to make himself feel better. Weird I know, but that's the way I saw it. It all worked out OK financially, and we both grew out of the experience and entered a new marriage, with new ground rules, scarred, but OK

Louise

Mylah

January 29, 2012 - 8:28am

Thank you all so much for comments and advice.....and most of all your kindness x
I suppose our whole life is a journey with various crossroads appearing along the way hopefully we have at least some choice about which direction to take.
Menopause is one of those crossroads and many will struggle with adjusting to their/our new selves.
I've realised my physical problems has threatened my own and my husbands self image, also a large part of the landscape of our relationship has changed and neither of us has dealt with it very well.

After months of strained atmosphere and estrangement between, on friday things really came to head.....and after a blazing row, (lol I'm surprised the house is still standing!!!!) we sorted a quite lot of our problems out and we are well on the way to becoming reconciled. Amazing how quickly things change!!!

Thank you again ladies
Mylah x

bad_mirror

January 29, 2012 - 9:21am

Your account confirms some of the best marriage advice I have ever received:

Be patient. Be forgiving. When all else fails, fight naked!

I think that means emotionally as much as physically. When you finally stand off and all is bare, the obstacles to partnership are able to fall away. Best wishes for your partnership.

louiseds

January 29, 2012 - 9:56am

We dread the hard conversation more than cleaning out the fridge really. We put it off, and put it off. The bad smells start. We remove something that is ' off', and it smells better for a while, but eventually gets skanky again.

It takes half a day and a real cleanout to get the fridge back to ship shape. We find some nasty surprises in the back corners, but life is somehow much better overall when it is all shiny and clean inside and out. We know it will get skanky again if it is not cleaned out regularly, and swear to clean it out sooner next time.

Hmmm. Hope your joint clearing of the air will make life better for both of you.

Louise

:-)

alemama

January 29, 2012 - 4:35pm

oh that's funny. I've never heard it before but I think it would be impossible to do. or near impossible. no I take that back. I'm sticking with impossible.

colehollow

January 29, 2012 - 5:39pm

Hi Mylah,

There is the root of a plant, the collinsonia plant or stone root (because it breaks all but the best mills) that I have even spotted in our North American woods. It has saved me time and again when I get hemmroids. If you in your Commonwealth country can obtain it maybe you can solve one of the problems that is making you so physically miserable. It is just a vegetable plant like Celeric or beet whose root does this as well for people. My naturopath says I can take it without hesitation. It surprises me how few healers of any kind know about this. But I guess since there is no patent for it, no one can make much money off of it.

I am so glad to hear that you have re-established footing with your hubbie. Divorce does suck, though I am sure that it may be better than being in a bad marriage. My sweet (second) hubbie has actually given me more latitude than I need because of my physical problems and has suffered WITH me. I love him all the more!

gfkspicoli

February 26, 2012 - 5:12pm

I just finished reading this valuable dialogue which touched on the subjects of our relationships, our marriages, our sexuality and sex with pur partners, ourselves and our bodies. Thank you, ladies!