I feel so sad today ;(

Submitted by girlGM on September 17, 2011 - 10:30pm
Body: 

I think this is my first post (haven't been around here in months.)

I'm only 27 and I just had my 1st child. She is almost 1 year old.
I discovered my prolapse almost immediately after giving birth. I had bad constipation and couldn't go without extreme pain. I mean, I was screaming and crying when going. It was because of my rectocele, but I didn't know that yet. I ended up with a terrible hemorrhoid, too.

I cried so much, felt so disgusting and hated how I looked down there. It looked horrible to me. I felt like a very old woman because I couldn't go to the bathroom. I had to go make trips to the drugstore for enemas and it still wasn't working! I even felt JEALOUS of my newborn's ability to so easily poo! ha!

My daughter was allergic to cows milk, so I had to quit all dairy. This cleared up my lifelong constipation. I also got a squatting platform for our toilet. I was desperate and discovered squatting was less painful for going (I found out about squatting to go one random day while searching the internet.)

Anyway, I got the whole woman book and dvd and sort of casually read them. I did the pose and tried to change the way I walked and I thought it might be helping. I thought I was improving. I guess I've been lax and not doing it lately.

I also stupidly starting eating cheese again. I'm terribly constipated and everything seems far worse. I had to splint today and while splinting, my bladder fell very very far forward in my vagina. It doesn't come out, but man, it is way too close to the exit for comfort.

I do get up to pee at night and sometimes feel like I can't get it all out.
My doctor said I didn't have a cystocele and had a minor rectocele at my 6 week post partum check up. She checked me standing and lying down.

I know what I used to look like and feel like and I feel and look DAMAGED now.

I'm just feeling really sad. I can feel poo through my vaginal walls. I am not comfortable having sex when I'm constipated like this. My husband and I are having marital problems and we were pretty darn happy before we had a baby. We haven't had sex in at least 3 weeks. The last time we tried (baby woke up), I could feel my rectocele moving! ICK. It was horrible.

I think this happened to me because I have been overweight since I was 17 and I've literally been constipated my entire life. I actually found out about splinting before I ever got pregnant and thought it was a cool trick. LOL. wow. not cool. I also wonder if sitting around too much causes it. I am really beating myself up for being too fat, too lazy, and too weak willed to stay away from dairy.

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS COULD HAPPEN?!?

I wanted a natural birth and was all birth goddess about it. I ended up birthing on my back with an epidural after being in unmedicated labor for almost 30 hours and getting stuck at 9.5 cm. I was too exhausted.

I feel really betrayed by everyone who ever talked to me about giving birth- "Your vagina goes back to normal!"
NO IT DOES NOT!

No one wants to talk about this. My mom and mother in law act all weird and like they don't know what I am talking about. My mother basically said it is my own fault for gaining too much weight (I was over 200 when I gave birth at 5'5. I did gain too much!) She says she didn't gain too much weight with me and she did her kegels every day so it didn't happen to her. But She has serious problems going to the bathroom (her whole life too) and I wouldn't be surprised if she also has a rectocele and doesn't have a clue.

Is this just going to keep getting worse? I am so terrified to have another baby. I can't believe my bladder can now go so low. I just feel so depressed, yet numb and like I have no hope.

I am 5'5" now and 155lbs. I want to get down to 130 or less and I feel this may help the situation. I am not sure if it will....

Does getting rid of constipation help fix POP, or just make the symptoms less noticeable and prevent it from getting worse?

Will I never be able to run again? I need to lose weight, but I don't want to risk my stuff falling further by running.

Thanks for listening.

girlGM

September 17, 2011 - 10:35pm

Oh yes, and let me mention that my doctor told me I had a very normal looking vagina... that I looked exactly like she expects a woman to look after having a child.

AGAIN. They must be able to clearly SEE vaginas are different after giving birth... WHY DON'T THEY TELL US?

I don't remember exactly what I said to that, but I want to say I asked my doctor why no one warns us, and she said something about women not wanting to have any babies or being scared to have babies if they knew.

;-(

clavicula

September 17, 2011 - 11:59pm

Hey, GirlGM,

Just came to offer you a big hug! You know, we all have been there, if you read around the forums (and search my oldest posts for example), you see that after POP almost all of us went through a depressed period of time. Now looking back I am sure that I was depressed. I was 28 when I first came here.

All I can tell you is this: you'll improve a lot! There is hope! WW work and good ol' time will help your body to slowly find a settling point and you'll discover the strength that is in you and your body's healing capacity will impress you big time! :)
Have to go, it is breakfast time here, but will get back to you later. I have a cystocele (well, a rectocele as well, but never felt it) and constipation was never an issue for me, but I am sure somebody will come to you with useful info about both!

Oh, and type 'constipation' into the search box, we discussed this topic many times. Read around and feel home! :)

Liv

clavicula

September 18, 2011 - 12:04am

Yes, you are right. My vagina is different and I was soooooo sad about it! Cried, cursed, hated every minute of my PP life...
And here in the forums, Christine used the term 'mature vagina'. Now I am actually proud of my mature vagina with its settled walls, relaxed fascia and changed introitus. Who cares? I am alive, sex is good and I am a whole woman, for me it is enough!

I understand that you do not feel this yet, but stay hopeful! There IS hope!

Liv

granolamom

September 18, 2011 - 8:31am

hello and welcome to the forum
only have a few min, will try to get back with a proper reply but had to say really, sweetie, stop beating yourself up. I know that right now, you feel depressed and all horrible, but the last thing you need right now is blame and guilt.
probably the lifelong constipation played a bigger role than a few extra pounds, but the thing is, it doesnt matter how you got here. you are here. you will learn how to manage your prolapse and hopefully reverse it to some degree. you will learn that you most definitely can live well with this.
there is plenty of reason to hold on to hope, there are plenty of success stories here, no reason you shouldnt be one of them.
(((((((hugs))))))))

granolamom

September 18, 2011 - 8:37am

"she said something about women not wanting to have any babies or being scared to have babies if they knew."

with all due respect to your dr, that is the stupidest thing in the world. if women knew that this was the natural order of things, and knew that its ok and were given tools to minimize pop (natural supported childbirth, pp help, WW techniques) then there would be no fear. only educated decisions and empowerment.
grrr. this type of thing makes me nuts. lets just keep the pretty ladies ignorant and tell them what we think they need to know and keep the rest to our paternal selves. and yes, even female drs can be paternal.

I agree with you, we should be told.

girlGM

September 18, 2011 - 9:42am

All my doctors were female and none of them ever said anything. Ugh.
The only good thing about my doctor telling me I looked normal is that I brought my husband with me in the exam room and it made me feel relieved for both of us to hear the doctor say it. Her saying that made me feel at least that I wasn't horribly damaged or a freak.

I showed my husband what I looked like down there after the baby and to him he thought something was hanging out or there was extra skin. There is extra skin, of course. I thought I looked nice down there before and I was happy with my boobs, too. Now I sag everywhere and have huge nipples. haha...no one really mentioned this either. I am still breastfeeding my baby and will continue to until at least 2 years if I can. I have read maybe it can get better once you quit bfing?

I know this is kind of personal (well, this whole forum is though!)
But what about having oral sex? I don't want my husband down there... I am so ashamed and I feel like some of my insides are still hanging out now, even when lying down. I am so sad about that, too.

And what about different positions? I still have pain when we have sex sometimes and the time I felt my rectocele MOVING, I was on top. It made me feel so yucky.

Now I am thinking about women who actually go and get plastic surgery done on their vaginas to "look beautiful". (Pre baby I mean.. where they are unhappy because their labia are too long or whatever.) If only they knew that most women that have babies have vaginas that look a lot different from whatever they show in naked / porno type imagery.

I also think a lot of women aren't really in touch with what they looked and felt like before they had babies, so they don't feel shocked or even know about this until someone tells them, they leak urine, can't poo, or the problem gets bad enough things start to really hang out.

I did natural family planning for birth control and had to check my cervix every day. I started reading feminist type literature when I was 14 years old, and I remember this one book had an essay urging women to get down in front of a mirror and see what "she" looks like! I even helped make a pamphlet in college in Women's Studies. We handed it out to people. It described all the different parts of the vulva / vagina and the had fun tips for "handling" it properly (ex, "Men, the clitoris is NOT an elevator button!") lol

If I had never really looked or paid attention, I would just know now that I feel a little off and strange some days like something is there that wasn't before.

Anyway, I am going to be done venting now...
Thank you ladies for the kind words. I know I am not being kind to myself and I often have a problem with this. My personality is generally somewhat intense and perfectionistic so I beat myself up when I don't do things the "right way."

I am determined to keep my daughter from the lifelong constipation, at least. We will eat a whole foods diet free of dairy since she was allergic at birth, too. I will tell her what can happen so she doesn't have to be shocked if / when it happens to her in her life. I will not act embarrassed about these things like my mom did. I will most definitely be educating her on her cycles and these things, too. Education is key.

granolamom

September 18, 2011 - 12:20pm

I think you hit on alot of truths there, girlGM
our perception of our own beauty is so tainted by what we see in the media and the cultural expectation around us.
I knew before having my first baby to expect changes in my breasts, but I had no idea what that would look like on *my* body and how it would feel in *my* head or do to my own body image. I have no doubt that my pre-baby boobs are nothing more than a memory. I've been pg and/or bf for the last 13 years and sometimes I wish I realized how beautiful they were back when I was younger. but of course, back then, I was more concerned that they were too small or whatever to enjoy them. now that a friend of mine is dealing with breast cancer, I am enjoying my wrinkly, saggy, large nippled boobs as fully as I can.
this is not to say 'well, people have it worse so dont complain', not at all. finding a prolapse is a huge loss, and deserves to be mourned. its a loss of the sense of youthful beauty, of body integrity, of so many things. I think its really hard on young women because probably its your first brush with this type of loss.
but think of this...many women find their genitalia ugly and repulsive. you say you thought you looked nice down there before. do you think your labia was much more beautiful, objectively speaking, than other womens? probably not, only that you were able to see beauty where other women might not. I think, in time, as you come to terms with this, you will again see beauty. I mean, its not that much different (cosmetically speaking) than developing lines around your eyes, or losing some fat in your cheeks. those things happen to all of us and we have to accept it to find ourselves beautiful still.
you are still young and strong and healthy and beautiful. but you've got to give your mind some time to catch up. I felt completely freakish and unattractive for a long time, even though dh claimed he felt nothing different, I didnt believe he could possibly want to be with me. thankfully, I've moved on to worrying about other things, like what color to paint my living room.

but about your rectocele and constipation....yeah, you gotta get that under control. keeping your bowels moving will decrease the rectocele symptoms and allow the posture to start moving things back to where they should be. I'm guessing that if your rectum isnt full during sex, you shouldnt feel it move or any pain. I'm sure others with more experience with rectocele/constipation will chime in soon, in the meantime try the search box to pull up old discussions on the topic.

Daphne11

September 18, 2011 - 12:27pm

Oh wow,
You are so sad and so young. It is difficult to describe the sense of loss when we come up against these pelvic issues. I felt double-crossed by every woman I've ever known when I first realized that I felt like I'd rather be dying than deal with all this POP-rectocele-cystocele stuff.
Who knew this issue existed and didn't tell us?! Probably just about every female we've ever known who is 60 or over. What a conspiracy of silence!!
Too embarrassed, too alone, too proud, basically all of the above are reasons why this is such a difficult topic to speak of. The 'youth' mania in our culture doesn't accept imperfection or a challenge such as we deal with daily.
And dairy!! what an inviting way to feel good! I too have been constipated all my life and thought it was normal. The last six months have become so much worse that I decided to go back to soy milk and rice milk ( I like having both around because I develop food sensitivities if I stay with just one for too long).
Cheese is 'wicked' comforting. I allow myself two bites of cheese every week or so, any more than that and I'm in big trouble with constipation.
I've added 6 prunes to my breakfast and 6 at an afternoon snack. I like the ones without pits and that have been sort of reconstituted. I think they're mostly all like that now.
I stay away from all coffee, black tea, carbonated drinks, spices and hot sauces due to interstitial cystitis. I have a urinary infection right now and will drink cranberry juice diluted with water (because it's so sweet) for the next two weeks to see if I can get myself out of this pain.
Read through this site, take a lot of time to rest while the baby is still quite young, try a few wholewoman things at a time, not all at once. Keep reading and thanking all our lucky stars for Christine Kent. By the way, my daughter was still nursing at 6-9 months (my choice) and that was when the weight vanished!! I started her on solids at about 6 months but she was still mostly nursing - it sounds a bit radical these days but it worked for us!
Take your time, ask your lower abdomen what it wants, listen well and stay with wholewoman. You don't need any more guilt than you've lived with up till now. With the understanding you find at wholewoman you will become a very kind mother and never criticize your own little one.
Daphne11

lanny

September 18, 2011 - 10:36pm

hi girlGM,

welcome to the whole woman family. as christine's husband i've taken the roller coaster ride with her for many years. i've read many women's accounts on this forum and so often what is striking is their sense of isolation. they are not sure what's happening and feel like they can't share or talk about it with their husbands for fear of rejection or some other negative reaction.

understand that prolapse is not something that effects women alone. like pregnancy and parenthood, prolapse is something you experience together. i wrote an article you can find in the library here at whole woman called a husband's guide to prolapse (click on the link to download). don't try to be a martyr and deal with this alone. your husband vowed, "for better or worse, in sickness in health..." etc. time for you to trust him to step up and remind him of his commitment if he balks.

no matter how much you read and prepare, nothing really can prepare you for all the dimensions of parenthood, not the least of which being the changes in your body. part of the work of being a husband is appreciating you at every stage of your life. a mother's beauty is different than a teenager's. a post-menopausal woman's beauty is different as well. but each stage is real and rich in its own way. you need to trust that in yourself and trust your husband to understand and appreciate the physical qualities you experience as a women at every stage of your life.

christine has often described managing prolapse as a journey of self-discovery, of exploration where your body provides feedback about how you are standing, sitting, walking, carrying, running and even eating. listen to your body and share what you are learning with your husband. suffering in silence isolates you from your husband and denies him the opportunity to be there for you as a supporter and companion on your journey of discovery. you will expect him to participate in every other aspect of parenting. he can participate in this one too.

and listen to the ladies on this forum. they have been there and back and know what they are talking about. just stay out of the operating room and you will find that your prolapse is very manageable and you can and will live a full and active life, in fact, probably a better life if you listen to your body and respond appropriately.

all best wishes,
lanny goodman (christine's DH and resident WW geek)

reborn at last

September 19, 2011 - 5:05am

GirlGM
Mega hugs to you!
I just found this site a few weeks ago when I was diagnosed with cystocele and was told by my doctor that surgery was the only way--of course I rebelled!!
But what I want to tell you is that this site has saved my sanity--I read it off and on all day long and am expecting my video and book this week. I have found that I AM NOT ALONE!
Please forgive yourself for all of the things you are beating yourself over and just take one day, or one moment if you are really wigged out, at a time and life will start to look different. We are all learning something about our selves through this time.

Salt

September 19, 2011 - 9:54am

hi girlGM,

I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through and are still going through.
no wonder you feel sad!
I wish your MIL and mom had been more supportive. it does sound like she may be in denial about her situation (and denial can make people very insensitive or mean).

Just in case it can help you feel more secure in this not being about weight, I want to share that I've never had children and never been overweight or even carried 'extra' weight. But I still have prolapses. So although sometimes weight is thrown around as a possible contributor to prolapse, it doesn't have to be at all!

I'm 35 and also had the experience, last month after I discovered the prolapse of my uterus (and I now realise, milder prolapse of bladder) that I went to the doctor and she said everything was just fine. normal.
and I know my body - like you - and know this is not normal.
I haven't even gone for a 2nd opinion because I don't really feel I need one - I know what is wrong. I also felt shocked that no one told me this could happen to young women.
I'm so glad you found this forum.

I am very new to this but I can share that the posture has helped me already with discomfort. At one point I got so tired from doing the posture that I stopped for a few days and the prolapses (you may notice people call them POP for short) got worse again. so I know it is helping (and I'm doing it again now).

I have had constipation all of my life until the last few years when it has alternated with diarrhea. there are some great tips on here about helping constipation (magnesium is a common help)

this may seem off topic but I want to share, re exercise and weight loss.
my first husband was obese before I met him and went from almost 400lbs to around 230 lbs just from change in diet and walking.
walking was the only exercise he did. he did a lot of it and the weight loss was gradual over a few years but very successful and he kept it off even after he returned to eating a more diverse diet.
And since walking is pretty easy to do in the whole woman posture, it makes it a great form of exercise.
I get the impression from some other posts on here that some find it hard to learn how to run/jog in the posture but it does seem possible and there are woman on here with prolapse who run with no problem.

thinking of you and glad you are here.

girlGM

September 20, 2011 - 12:50pm

Thank you for all the kind words...
These posts made me tear up a little. It is actually my 27th birthday today and I feel so melancholy. Not just because of POP... but just, I don't know, a lot of things at the moment. (Husband working a job right now being exposed to heavy metals, there might be lead in our expensive dishware set I love, and our debt is rising because we have to charge health care at the moment. Just stress.)

Daphne... 6-9 months is a radical amount of time? lol. I'm going to flat out scare people then. I have a friend breastfeeding her 7 month old AND her 3 year old still. I definitely believe in extended breastfeeding for the baby's health. My daughter is walking full time and walks right up to me wanting to nurse. I have heard people say they would stop nursing when the baby could walk up and ask for it. lol.

I have also noticed weight loss around now because my daughter is eating more.

Daphne11

September 20, 2011 - 8:16pm

duplicate post

Daphne11

September 20, 2011 - 8:16pm

Another duplicate post

Daphne11

September 20, 2011 - 8:17pm

The time frame for nursing is completely subjective; the mother can decide. I was able to stay home for 3 years when my daughter was small, so neither her schedule nor mine was interfered with by work or baby pre-school. When she realized that others were drinking from a glass at around 2 years she wanted her own glass. After that, she nursed when she wanted comfort or connection or to relax for nap. It worked for us and I found that it made things more peaceful than trying to demand that she go to sleep or leave her crying herself to sleep (some people's idea of parenting).
Well, I'm really glad you're on the site here.
I agree that the heavy metals are scary. As you sit with your daughter you'll figure out what's most important. Your daughter and your husband are your family now, and what wouldn't we do for those we love!!
Health costs are stressful; try to help yourself enjoy your family. These things work themselves out. Sometimes asking "whoever is out there', God or the universe or angels, for guidance and help really works. It's worth a try!
Daphne
Daphne

granolamom

September 21, 2011 - 5:25pm

there's only so much we can do about our environments, ya know?
so do what you can and give the rest over to G-d or fate or luck or whatever you believe in.
my husband is also exposed to potentially dangerous things at work (dangerous people mostly, but chemicals too) and I try not to think about it. he loves his job and so there's nothing I can do about it.
how dangerous is lead in chinaware? I know that lead crystal should be fine so long as you dont let liquids sit in it too long, especially not if its just water (as opposed to juice or wine).

and as far as extended bf, you dont scare me...I'm currently bf my 22 mo, the longest I've gone was 3 years. I nurse through pregnancies and tandem nursed my oldest and second for a few weeks (until the older one self weaned).

Marie M.

September 22, 2011 - 9:53am

Hi Daphne11
I to felt cheated. Why has no one told us about this stuff. I was always told not to lift things that were to heavy because I would hurt my back or to make sure when you lift somethings do it the right way and you won't hurt your back. I am 52 and have been lifting things I shouldn't have for the past 30 years. I didn't know when you went through menopause that the vaginal walls got weaker and that lifting things that were to heavy would make everything fall because there was no support there anymore. I wish someone would have told me. I tell all my younger friends about it so they could lessen their risk of this happening to them. I just got married in July and was diagnosed with Stage 3 prolapsed bladder 3 days before my wedding. I went to another ob/gyn in August and he told me I have complete pelvic prolapse. What a way to begin the rest of your life. I just ordered Christine's book and DVD, hope it helps, the doctor said I needed surgery. I really prefer not to go that route.

cleo

January 25, 2012 - 12:24am

Hi girlGM,I would keep my weight down as too much weight can make you feel worse.I have been losing weight by walking and i feel better as i'm lighter.Everything seems to get bad sometimes but if you stick with a good diet you will not get any worse.You probably won't feel worse even if you don't worry about weight.I know it's a shock for prolapse to happen but i felt better when i came to WholeWoman as then i could tell what was wrong with me.Just stay here, and if you want, visit your doctor, but i am sure you will be like me and you will feel better over time.It's so hot where i am i felt terrible before but it passes with time as i sit and get cool with the fan.

angela68

April 1, 2012 - 10:16pm

That's exactly how I felt.. Why did not anyone tell me? hugs to you.

veganmomma

July 10, 2012 - 2:14pm

My doctor said the exact same thing!!! Actually three docs from my ob gyn practice told me this and they all told me I did NOT have prolapse. The specialist finally did say I had prolapse and after the visit of him saying there was basically nothing to do about it...well Thank God I ended up here!