5 MONTH PREGNANT & FEELING DOWN & NEED ENCOURAGEMENT

Oh dear Happymama, you are in a bit of a hole, aren't you.

I can understand the midwives being less than keen for you to have a hospital birth, and I can see why your are disappointed, as I would have been, and very concerned that they were talking about the possibility of a CS.

I don't know where you are, or what that means in terms of finding an obstetrician who will understand your desire for a vaginal birth. I think you really need to just take it a day at a time at the moment, and explore your options re hospital, obstetrician and birth method, as you can.

How far are you into the pregnancy?

Are you experiencing any constipation? With these birth worries and a Tanty Toddler, I would certainly be stressed, and that for me means Constipation Coming Up.

I am just wondering how long ago you weaned your toddler? Was this your decision or TT's? If it is so distressing for TT, is there the possibility of allowing her to nurse again?

"WHAT?", I hear you scream.

If you will forgive me, I am coming from the perspective of having a 4 1/2 year old DS1, a nursing 15 month old DD, a new pregnancy, and a husband who was rarely at home. I am not big on making toddlers do anything or forbid them to do anything *unnecessarily*. I figured that it would all work out somehow, and it did. I think the flavour of my milk changed during the pregnancy, and DD, who had always been a snacker since day 1, decided at 5 months pregnant that my milk was no longer OK, so she weaned spontaneously, and has been very independent ever since. She never was one for endless cuddling, so I guess it was easy from that point of view. We found our closeness in other ways, like reading lots of books together, and playing while DS1 was at Pre-Primary.

If your toddler is trying to get at your breasts it can make it very hard to have physical closeness without giving mixed signals. Anyway, that's my tuppence halfpenny's worth. See if you can do things together that will give her plenty of attention. Busy things are often good from a distraction point of view, but can be very tiring for you. Can you call on a Granny for help? They are only toddlers once. I still go to jelly at the sight of a peacefully sleeping toddler. Sigh.

I do hope you can resolve it. BTW, DD are still not very close. I am so glad I let her take the lead on this. Otherwise I think I would blame myself for causing this, by pushing her away when there was another baby on the way. When the baby finally arrived she was very happy, and there wasn't any sibling rivalry.

Hi happymama,
Your post brought just reminded me just how stressful life can be at some stages in life. I do empathise - you're not alone, this won't last and things will change - and there are lots of skills and resources available which can help support you through this trying time. It's surprising how a multiple of small positive inputs can make a significant difference!
So every time you're feeling a little stressed: Pause, exhale slowly 3 times every time - and breeeeathe. Notice how contracted we can feel in our breath andour bodies when we feel stressed. Relax - and everything feels that little bit easier in every way.
I don't know how familiar you are with the WW way; posture and exercises? If you don't have the book and a dvd - I thoroughly recommend you do. I really appreciate you probably have little time to delve into either, but you can dip into them. They offer invaluable resources, information and support about prolapse, inc. problems, treatments and solutions...
If you live in WW posture and if possible supplement this with some WW yoga/exercise, that will definately help to address the issue of your growing uterus exacerbating your rectocele issues. 1 of th eWW motos is "change the posture, change the symptom"
Not being constipated or having to strain to eliminate faeces, are also important components of improving the situation. When you go to the loo, lean forwards so your weight is supported by your legs, your thighs can touch or lean on the edge of the loo. If you need to strain, then this will decrease the likelihood of further prolapse/pressure on the rectocele area.
Check your diet and make sure you're eating well for you and baby. I would recommend reducing/avoiding pocessed foods, go for wholesome, fresh and if poss/affordable, organic foods. Adequate amounts of fruit and veg. Stewed fruit most days works wonders for my bowel movements! You may lose a bit of the nutrition but it really helps with easy stools!
Prioritise 'happy times' for you and little toddler. It's a strange ole time for you and for little siblings - they're in transition from 'one and only'/ 'apple of everyone's eye' to having to cope with another baby and changes all round - especially in mummy! If you can bring 'special times' with your toddler into daily life, that might really help you both. It might also help with the transition from bump to baby. If you can maintain that 'special time' with you toddler after the new baby's around.
Are there any other adults around who can share some of the burden/care of toddler a bit more? I'm wondering if toddler is feeling lost, confused, jealous, kicked out...? All v. understandable. Is there anyone who could make a special fuss of toddler? Anyone who can share the care - or even take over to some extent - to give you more of a break and-
Give you some 'free special time' so you can replenish some rest/ energy/treats/pamper time or whatever it takes to feel a little uplifted/joyous.

Re caesarian - I can't understand why you would need one follwoing your post. Your fibroid has been taken out. Do be aware that there can be unintended consequences to any surgery. It may contribute to further problems further down the line. I had a c-section with my 1st baby. It was painful a times to begin with. EG I struggled to sit up in bed initially... It was very difficult to look after a baby following major surgery. Lifting baby etc. It honestly took me 2 years before I felt completely recovered, 1 to feel I was getting there. I have a permanent little 'shelf' below below my belly. I carry a little weight - but I'll never have a natural curve to my abdomen. I've never seen this mentioned. In the grand scheme of things it's not an issue, but still - it's something to come to terms with. Of course, is it's necessary then it's neceassary... There has to be a very convincing reason. Don't be fobbed off with vague language. Ask exactly why they think this might be a good idea and ask exactly what the opration entails - and then - google in your wuestions and ask this forum too! Get really well informed before making irreversible and forever life time making decisions.
Lots of love and hugs - and a big bunch of scented red roses!
xwholewomanuk

Hi HappyMama - Walking is great IF you are doing it in WW posture. I had problems with walking myself, it seemed to make things worse until I got to the point where posture was a habit. Now, I walk extensively and it helps keep my symptoms tolerable.

Even if you don't have time to do workouts, if you are in posture all day you are working all the right stuff. Don't get discouraged. Keep in mind that WW is not just an exercise program, it is a change that you must incorporate into all that you do. - Surviving

Hi Happy Mama

I see now what you are saying. Your toddler is not what I would call a toddler. She is now a little girl and she is making her feelings known. You have done a splendid job breastfeeding her for as long as you have. You have no reason to feel guilty for weaning, and I can understand your wanting to wean, if it hurt you so much.

I am guessing here, but I think you have a very wilful little daughter on your hands, who is really wounding you with her behaviour, and you think it is your fault. She *may* be doing it purposefully, but I think it would take a professional to figure that out. What do you really think? Has she told you she is mean to you because you weaned her? If so, it is pretty sophisticated thinking for a child that age. Punishing someone you love because she withdrew the last bit of nursing is not really healthy behaviour for anyone. I am wondering if you are taking these tantrums too personally. Tantrums are usually about the child's inability to, I don't know, deal with something, and it comes out as an emotional outburst.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and getting the 'wrong' response. Are you bringing her up by yourself, or does her Dad help you in any way, particularly with handling this behaviour? It can be a very lonely experience dealing by yourself with children's emotional outbursts.

Does she talk a lot? How do you respond to her? Do you listen to her when you are together? Do you have some enjoyable times together? How do you respond when she behaves well? Is she nice to you sometimes? Has she been a difficult child previously? I am just wondering about the overall qualities of your relationship with each other. Sadly, just because she is your daughter doesn't mean that your relationship will nataurally turn out to be close or easy as she grows up.

As a stay at home Mum, are you able to get out and attend a playgroup, or some other group where you can take your daughter, where you can both have some social contact, or do you have friends that you can both spend time with, and do fun things with?

The poo in her pants so many times a day tells me that her tummy is not happy. Whether that is an emotionally related response or not is another question. I wonder if she has worms? Or if she is constipated? This could also explain her ratty behaviour, particularly if she is not sleeping well. How is her diet?

I think I would be looking carefully at her health, to see if she is OK physically. If she is, then you can rule that out, and move on to other reasons. I hope that gives you some things to think about and some questions to answer.

Re the pain walking, I think this is what happens when the pubic symphysis loosens, as a part of the normal ligament loosening of pregnancy, but it would take a midwife or doctor to diagnose it properly. But I also pick up that it is your prolapse that is giving you pain as well, or maybe instead? It is so hard simply posting on the Forums to know exactly what is going on. Face to face with someone would be much better for you.

Your growing uterus and baby within it can press down on veins in the vulva, and prevent blood returning to the heart. This produces a feeling of fullness and pressure. I can remember a couple of weeks *after* the birth of my second baby feeling like I had a football in my vulva. Yes, it was painful. All I could do was get myself upside down, or elbows and knees for some relief of the pressure. I seem to remember that my pelvic floor muscles were simply not working, maybe because they were bulging downwards and unable to contract. I had some physiotherapy (electrical stimulation type of thing), which 'woke them up', so I could move them. Once I could do that they strengthened up quite quickly. Oh, if only I knew about Wholewoman then. That was back in the 1980's.

Anyway, HappyMama, I think you would be wise to get someone face to face help you to untangle all the different things that are bothering you at the moment, and maybe bothering your little girl as well. It is OK to yell for help when you need it. This is a time for you to make sure everything is right, before you have a new baby to look after as well.

Yes, your daughter's behaviour might just be a phase, but I would rule out other possibilities before assuming that.

I am sorry that I can't be more help re the fibroid scar. I think you need to have a long conversation with these doctors who are telling you that it might rupture during labour or during the birth. You need to know what the risks really are, whether they have dealt with this before, and what happened; and what they will do in your situation to ensure that the labour and birth are as safe as possible. Don't try and second guess their response. Ask for answers. It is your birth. It is your body. See if you can find someone else to go along with and take notes, so you can recall later what was said.

Come back and let us know the answers to these questions, and what the doctor said.

Louise

What I am about to say is not a substitution for talking to your daughter's pediatrician. However, my son went through the same thing -- it is constipation/impaction. The medical term for soiling her pants so many times is encopresis. See this article: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002537/

We had to do a course of laxitives (again, consult your doc for appropriate treatment), and now I stay very vigilant about hydration, fruit and veges, vitamin c, and helping him to go as soon as he needs to (he dislikes interrupting play to poo, which is where our troubles started, I think.). I too got so upset with him, but poor guy couldn't help it -- he was all stopped up!

Hope that helps. :-)

Hi HappyMama,
I can totally sympathize with the anger response to kids hitting and throwing things. It is the one thing that is guaranteed to raise my ire. The first couple of times it happened with my kids I felt so betrayed - this wasn't the way it was supposed to be! Both of my kids have done it, sometimes deliberately, sometimes accidentally. But I what I wanted to say was I think 3 years old is a very challenging age. Everyone talks about the terrible twos but in my experience (and those around me) three is way worse. It feels like they still have all of the emotions of the two year old but way more language and cunning to deploy them. The good news, in my experience, is that this all settles down a lot by four: way less frustration, more independence and they are generally way more personable. I'm not saying don't see your pediatrician, but just throwing the thought out there that this might be a stage of development that will pass, albeit one that has arrived at a most inconvenient time for you. Hang in there!

You can try a tampon (organic) for a few hours to see if that helps, or a sponge, and if it does then you might get fitted for a pessary. Sounds like what you are dealing with is pretty annoying. You may also like to consider external support garments like the v-2 supporter.

and since you brought it up, I thought I might throw in my two cents about the parenting.
Louise is exactly right as usual- if your doc is telling you it's all in her head, your doc is wrong! It is NEVER all in their heads. Interesting that it coincided with the cessation of nursing, I wonder what magic ingredient your milk had that kept her colon healthy?
I have been though 3 four times now, currently on the 4th and I gotta tell you, age appropriate expectations will help you out so much! Go ahead and expect her to throw things and scream at you. Expect that she will have trouble dealing with disappointment. Part of what you are doing now is helping her develop the tools to deal with these big feelings.
3 and pregnancy is just about the worst combination I can think of. You are tired and less patient and she is 3, enough said.
If I could recommend one book, it would be Playful Parenting. You will not regret reading this book. Your child will not regret that you read this book.

The last thing I want to share with you is that we don't punish our children. Our oldest is 9 now and the new baby is a little over a year, and it really works for our family. What do we do when our kids act like jerks? We find out what is bugging them. My mantra for this is *when they act bad they are feeling bad*

and my single best trick for 3? Same as Lousie's toddler trick, say yes! Give them what they want. Apple sauce for breakfast? sure. PJs to the store? why not.

Setting expectations ... yes. Applies to so many areas of life!

Yeah, we can spend our whole lives trying to get our little kids to do exactly what we want them to do, or not do. It is simply not good for anyone to be at war with their kids, or their Mom during their whole waking hours. Somewhere along the line I learned to pick my fights very carefully, only the ones I could win, and only the ones where to allow the behaviour concerned would put either the child, or somebody else in danger, or it would not be displaying kind or compassionate behaviour; or of course, damaging things unnecessarily, particularly if it are not the child's property. These are all learning opportunities for small children . They are teachable moments.

The rest of it, you can safely ignore as being benign, even if it is inappropriate. They do get over it, and grow up, particularly if they do not get too much attention for minor misdemeanours. In a couple of years she will be old enough to sort out disagreements with her friends without too much intervention from you at all.

There are times when we get the perfect storm. You're in it. It will pass. I think giving up the last bit of nursing would be only one factor of many. Don't blame yourself for this.

However, sometimes it is necessary to manage children's behaviour, so that they don't end up wrapping adults around their little fingers in a manipulative way. There are acceptable behaviours and unacceptable behaviours. You need ways of dealing with these unacceptable behaviours, like throwing objects at people. You can dodge a wooden block, or a toy truck, but a smaller child than your daughter might not be able to, and someone will get hurt. 'Time out' is not pleasant for anyone, but it beats the hell out of being hit by a flying doll on a regular basis. Your daughter would be old enough now to start learning about the consequences of putting others at risk by throwing things.

This is my opinion. Removing children from the situation and from social contact for a couple of minutes, until they have calmed down, can have several effects.

1 It takes them away and puts them somewhere else, out of the whirlwind environment where the incident occurred.
2 Their display is taken out of the sight of others, so the Dramatic Performance factor is removed.
3 Everyone else in the room doesn't have to put up with the uproar, so it respects the rights of other family members.
4 It gives them the opportunity to come back into the fold when they are prepared to behave in a civilised way, and have another go at interacting.
5 It teaches children that outrage is not an acceptable way to behave in the presence of others, and results in being removed from the party.
6 There is reconciliation at the end of it.

Our two boys used to get the 'hungry grumps', ie throw tanties when they needed to eat, but would not eat or cooperate with coming to the table, ie they went over that fine line in the evening. Our solution was not let it get out of hand but to take them very calmly after the first outburst away from the action, to their room, or outside, possibly semi-dragging them screaming, and telling them to come out/in again when they could calm down and behave properly. Then shut the door and leave. Then bolt for the kitchen and take them a little finger food, and slip it through the door. After a minute or two the yelling would stop, there would be munching sounds, and a very sorry little soul would come creeping out for a big cuddle and a little sorry session, and they could then sit up calmly at the table and we would all get on with dinner. The whole episode could be brought to the right conclusion in 2 1/2 minutes flat. It only lasted for a limited age . We never had this stage with more than one child at a time.

The secret is not to lose it yourself. When Mom loses it, it can be very scarey for a little child. By all means do the block at her occasionally, but never when you are really angry. Ham it up, by all means to make it sound like you are really angry. Doing the block when you are really angry risks someone getting hurt. It is often best to simply walk away if you find yourself getting wound up to far. Time out for Mom is OK too.

Good luck.

The second stage for kids is being able to choose a good consequence for good behaviour, vs a bad consequence for bad behaviour. As long as you have lots of rewards up your sleeve for good behaviour, and are good for your word, older kids will always choose the reward for good behaviour. They are not stoopid!

The third stage is with teenagers, when you can bargain with privileges, giving more privileges for more instances of good behaviour, and withdrawing privileges for bad behaviour. To do this you need to have privileges that you trust them with, and you have to be prepared to follow through with them, both in giving and taking. This is where having a background with the first two methods when they were younger, is good grounding.

It doesn't always work perfectly, but it is a good basis to start with. Sometimes you don't do it perfectly. Too bad. Moms are human. Just remember it is not always your fault. Give yourself a hug, for the wonderful job you are doing.

Enjoy the summer.

Louise

Good to hear, Happymama. I don't care what anyone says. Everything can go pear-shaped at 110 degrees. It is a time for hunkering down with cool drinks and some water. Do you have some water toys you could centre your play around in really hot weather? No doubt there will be more of it before the baby is born.

I actually find that doing something active in really hot weather is more effective than lying around feeling hot. It must be because I perspire more, and physical activity makes the perspiration evaporate, keeping me cool. However, I am not pregnant. ;-) It also keeps my mind off how hot it is.

Varicose vein?
cyst?
fibroid?
it's just that feeling great pressure all the time at 6 months postpartum seems strange. All that pressure all the time at 39 weeks? sure.

I know that they can move back, mine sure have :)

did you feel the pressure when you had the cyst and fibroid?

Do you know for certain that you didn't have any fibroids reformed or ovarian cysts when you became pregnant? I have had very big ovarian cysts at the beginning of a pregnancy as a result of hyperstimulation during fertility treatment. They were the size of footballs, but they did shrink and disappear by 3 months pregnant. I like the haemorrhoid theory. I feel sure that this will get better after the birth. You won't be like it for ever. This is now a very long thread. Does it help to get down on hands and knees?

I didn't really think it would be another cyst. Hang in there. This too will pass, and eventually become just another blip on your life radar.

Sometime pregnancy is just waiting, waiting, waiting (and feeling uncomfortable!). The symbolism of the Annunciation, then the wait and the journey to Bethlehem for the birth of Jesus is no illusion. It is all about joyful expectation. Let's hope the joyful part shows its head for you occasionally.

Cat and cow exercises sometimes help, or just standing in firebreathing posture, with hands on knees, and butt sticking out the backbut without the firebreathing bit.

:-)

Louise

:-)

Is your baby head down and engaged? I can remember feeling like I had a bowling ball between my legs and my pubic bone just ached and ached like someone was trying to separate it.
With my 3rd pregnancy I did not experience this at all- he was my biggest by a stretch, but he stayed transverse until a few hours before his birth. So much better!
Maybe it's just the head making things rough?

Are you constipated?

Hi Happy Mama.... we are close to the same due dates! Mine is Oct 23rd (but I am saying the month of October to just let life have its own way). I too have been experiencing this pressure that you are describing. I agree that "table" hand and knee position seems to relieve it and that probably this will be the way to give birth too. Hopefully you can have some say in that at the hospital... you will be surprised what you can do in the hospital.... i was squatting with my first right on top of the bed! I refused to lay down.....anyways
I think regular bowel movements have helped relieve some of the pressure. Also wearing more supportive jeans, shorts with the band that comes up over my belly has helped. I would love to stay in touch about your progress! Feel free to contact me directly at [email protected]

if you reach in can you push it out of the way? I just can't see *living* with this much discomfort if you don't absolutely have to. If you can move it out of the way, maybe you can use a sea sponge or pessary or external support garment.
Good news is that if you decide to deliver on hands and knees you sure will be strong enough for it. Some women who want to try during labor and find that the position is exhausting. You probably have very strong shoulders right now.
I'm sending good thoughts your way...and you too yogimae! October will be here before we know it.

Hi Happymama,
Not long to go now. Does sound fustrating that you're not sure what's causing the pain. However you're probably right that things will settle down and return to more to normal following birth. Sounds like you're otherwise fit and healthy and maintaining WW posture will help at all stages. Also some women find lieing down when they're tired or feeling prolapsy, helps to relieve pressure from prolapse. I know that may not be possible very often with an older sibling - but rest if you need/want to when you can.
As Louise says 'this too will pass' - and none too soon by the sounds of it!
We're all thinking of you, xwholewomanuk

Wow, too many replies to read on this and I don't have time left today.

I feel for you, I am sorry about your grief with this pregnancy. I am not experienced enough to give too much advise, however I will say you are so lucky to be able to carry that bubba to grow your family.

I think you need a break. Maybe a few hours a week you could have someone look after your daughter so you can relax. Swimming sounds like a great idea to relieve the pressure. Do you have a bath, or have someone close to you let you use theirs. Lay in a cool bath with a book, candles and fav' food :-). This was great for me when I was pregnant. The other thing was meditation. But I am a simple person so just a couple of medidation/relaxation tracks in the ipod that talked to me, alternating this with the sounds of the rainforest I would play this when I was going to bed to help you better rest. This may stop you thinking about all those troubles things you have mentioned.