Same story, different person

Submitted by lifeasme on January 30, 2013 - 8:30pm
Body: 

32 yrs old, 3 uncomplicated vaginal births. Hypothyroid, working on finding right dose.

I recently discovered that I had a prolapse (I am thinking just rectocele right now). I freaked out and went to my PCP and he assured me that I do not have a rectocele and that, in fact, the posterior wall of my vagina feels well supported.

I felt better for exactly 10 minutes. On the drive home I started to have doubts. Maybe I didn't bear down hard enough? What if he was just plain wrong? If I didn't have a recto, then what exactly WAS that buldge of tissue on the posterior wall? I told him that I very occasionally had to splint but really that was rare and in general I had zero idea there was anything wrong. Everything else was great.

I was talking to someone and she mentioned she had a "hernia" in her vagina that stool sometimes got stuck in and everything clicked...and that's when I freaked out and went to the PCP. It is also then that I started to have odd sensations in the vagina, and some weird urinary symptoms. I went to quick care when I started to have pain in the kidney area and they DX a kidney infection and put me on cipro for 10 days. I was hoping that my odd sensations were just irritations from the infection. I had never had a UTI previous to this.

Having not really believed my PCP, I called a urogyn....well she's not officially a urogyn but she does a lot of work with pelvic floor disorders. I saw her today and she did a swab and urine check for infections. After making me wait int he exam room for 30+ minutes, she came back and pronouced me to have an infection in the vagina (what the heck, I have never had that before either) handed me a presripction and was leaving. I had mentioend prolapse to her at the start of the appointment so I stopped her and asked if I was crazy to think that I had one. She said "Oh, yes there was a prolapse but because you are on your period (yeah lucky me, it started like an hour before my appointment) I can't really evaluate it right now. Come back when you're done with your period." Then on her way out she said "You have kids. This happens when you have kids."

I can't say the experience was shocking since I was sure all along that I had it. The very occasional problems pooping (I figured it was just garden variety constipation) and everything just totally clicked. I am rather hoping that it is just really low grade and that's why my PCP didn't mention it, because it is in line with what he typically sees in a multiparous lady.

The thing is...I have been in a terrible state since figuring this out. I do not enjoy any activities at all. I barely want to leave the house. I have a beautiful saltwater aquarium full of coral and other animals that I just adore, but I can't bring myself to maintain it and it's looking terrible now and my husband is having to feed the fish which he hates. I don't pay attention to my kids 5,7,9 and I was having trouble sleeping at first. I feel like (and I have read this here many times) my life is over. I think about suicide because I hate the feeling I have in my vagina right now. Just a few weeks ago I was walking around with no awareness of it but now it's in the front of my mind all the time. I am constantly analyzing everything about it. I have gone crazy checking and checking and checking it. I won't let my long suffering husband near me. I have spent many long hours googling and trying to figure out where i am at prolapse-wise. I am refusing invitations out. It's a struggle to just get up and shower. I hate walking around because I hate this weird feeling in my vagina. What is stupid is I didn't feel anything at all before. Did this conversation really coincide with the onset of symptoms? I should have bought a lottery ticket.

I don't even know if I really have an infection. The urogyn said I do and put me on some pretty potent meds that I would HATE to think she would do if I didn't.

I want to die - or to be more specific, I don't want to live with this weird feeling in there. I know that is not a rational thought but there you have it. Just layin it out there. I feel like throwing up sometimes. I'm afraid to laugh. I'm afraid to raise my voice. This can't be my life. I am terrified to poop beause when I put my fingers in and feel that bulge getting bigger when I am passing stool just really freaks me out and I am never sure how the next one is going to be. I have had to start taking massive amounts of fiber pills because I don't eat bread or anything like that so it's difficult to get enough fiber. Then I take too much and end up with a consistancy that is even more difficult to pass.

I didn't feel like this before I had a name for my very occasional difficulty passing a stool. I never paid much attention to the bulge. It feels...kinda tongue shaped and it is right near the opening. Just above the muscles of the perenium. I just thought that was normal vaginal folds.

I am an independant person and I enjoy doing things for myself like mowing the lawn...and I fear I won't be able to do even the most normal activity like that now. Before all this happened, I was the happiest I have been. Lovin life. Now I want to die. I can say that this dx has affected be MUCH more mentally than physically but if this weird feeling in my vagina doesn't go away with treatment for this infection, I am going to lose it. I don't enjoy anything about my life right now.

So...a cheery first post from me. I am in a very dark place right now.

Forum:

lifeasme

January 30, 2013 - 8:36pm

Oh, I guess I could be in for a nasty shock the next time I see this lady but I don't think I have a cystocele. I can check when my bladder is full and I feel it waaaaaay up there and it feels pretty firmly placed. My uterus is also very high, I can't feel my cervix most days. I am very familiar with that from when I was trying to get pregnant and checking my cervix for signs of ovulation. The thing that most concerns me is the bulge in the back which feels like a sideways tongue. It is always soft, even just prior to a BM but during the actual act of passing the bm it does seem to swell up.

nomore

January 30, 2013 - 8:58pm

I am in the same boat as you as I just found out I have a problem. However, I'm older than you, 54 so I'm not taking it quite as hard. From what I gather this happens to 50 to 75 percent of women so you're not alone. No one talks about it so it's quite a shock when it hits.
I had problems when I was younger but every time I went to a gynecologist over the years they blew it off. If it's any comfort to you, at least you're finding out at a younger age and you can start healing yourself now while you are young.
From what I've read on this site it's a very manageable problem and by managing the problem we improve out health in other ways. Sex is still possible and actually good for keeping everything in place. I've found in life that worrying and keeping my mind on my problems doesn't help things.
We are so blessed now because we have the internet and we can find solutions like this program. Even 25 years ago we didn't have any options other than what our doctors told us. Try to relax and remember that you don't have a life threatening disease. Try to focus on your beautiful children who are a blessing. They need you and they need you to be happy.
I can't give much advice as I'm new to all this and waiting for my information, books and videos to arrive. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone and you will come through this stronger and better than before.

oceangirl08006

January 30, 2013 - 9:46pm

Hi Lifeasme, I am so sorry that you feel like this. First of all, the fact that you can feel that your organs or very high is very good new; you already have a head start that a lot of us don't have. When I am really worried about something, finding out a lot about it and doing a lot of research and self experimenting really helps me. For instance, I would suggest while you are still trying to figure out what to do with the weird feeling, take a look at the all the whole woman stuff (posture, diet, etc.) so that in the mean time you can keep your organs way up there. I know its so cliche to say "don't freak out" but seriously trying to meditate, take a deep breath, and develop a logical plan about what to do is crucial.

Really quick story, I have totally been at the freaking out part, except I didn't know I had a rectocele, knew nothing about prolapse, and didn't know about splinting either. I was on various laxatives for two months with no improvements on instruction from my family doctor, then a gastroenterologist. Finally I thought, "let's see, I had a baby, so anything that is going on has to be linked to that." So I finally set up an appoitment with my OB, he diagnosed me with a recocele, told me about splinting, and finally I knew what to do about it, and what to google (which is how I found WW).

I have totally been there with the whole lots of fiber, too much fiber, less fiber thing. Really check your diet, the information about which you can find on WW. With diet, realize there is no magical food that fixes everything. Just a diet that mostly consists of raw foods, lots of fruits and veggies, and lots of water along with getting your proteins and other nutrients from whole foods.
Probably evaluating your self and your everyday life and how it effects your "weird feeling" is where to start. For instance, eliminating certain foods and bringing in others. Also, sometimes it just takes going to a different doctor (I know it can be a hassle) to receive some quality information. Sometimes the wrong diagnoses or the wrong medication can have strange side effects. I'm sorry, what your describing sounds like a rectocele to me, however I don't know about the firm bump your feeling. My rectocele feels like really soft tissue with very little firmness.
Take courage in the hope that you can take action on this, it might feel hopeless but don't give up and I bet you'll find something. I'm sorry I don't have any specific medical advice for you! You seem very in tune and familiar with your body, so I would say trust yourself to know yourself, and trust your instincts. Good luck, and I sincerely wish you the best!

fab

January 31, 2013 - 1:24am

with the meds, if you have an infection down there, it can only make things worse. A prolapsed pelvic organ is a problem enough in the vagina or vaginal canal whatever its placing is, it will swell with an infection and just make the whole thing even more uncomfortable.

Sure, you can start thinking, I’ll take cranberry juice, everyone knows cranberry juice helps UTIs and intestinal cystitis. Latest news confirms all your objections, it doesn’t. What looked good in the lab did not bear fruit in reality. Water with a bit of bicarbonate of soda can flush and sooth, but it won’t cure.

Sure these things can go by themselves, but why are you going to put up with that for when you are finding it so difficult?

You don’t say what meds you have been prescribed, but they are usually antibiotics and you need to finish the whole course, you might even need a second one. Once that inflammation and needing to void frequently has gone then it too may have gone, but it can flare up again, so keep your eye on it.
Once it has gone, you can start looking at the prolapse itself.

If it is a rectocele, as you think it is, then yes elimination is something you need to look at. Anything that makes your stool too soft to eliminate easily needs to be limited. So if it is the fibre pills, then you need to lessen down on them or find an alternative. The kinder you can be to your rectocele the better for you and for it.

But whatever prolapse it may prove ultimately to be, assuming Whole Woman posture is your first step. This is the way to start working on getting the prolapsed organ back up there where it belongs.

So print posture in the search box up top of the page and find out how to do Whole Woman posture. Then try it. It’s hard work, but it works.

Don’t be afraid to pick up things where you have left off. Give the poor fish and the kids a break. Get the kids to help you clean the fish tank and then go out for a picnic lunch or a visit to the cinema or whatever it is your family likes to do.

Take things slow, the infection can do with a lie down in the afternoon, but life is not over, it’s just taken a curve. I’m sure you have experienced some before, this is just another one, but this time you can take control.

And stop with the checking. You can feel it, so why do you need to look as well? Looking is not going to get the prolapse back up, but moving around and sitting in posture will.

Best wishes, Fab

louiseds

January 31, 2013 - 4:14am

Oceangirl, thanks for your diplomatic suggestion to LifeasMe about 'sometimes you need to change doctors'. My thought was quite a bit less diplomatic. Maybe the 'urogyn' was pre-menstrual, or perimenopausal, or her husband had just left her, or her kids were on drugs, or something else equally horrible, but I think her arrogance was showing, her behaviour was pastronising, and her responses to your questions inadequate. I wouldn't be going back to her. The PCP wasn't any better. You deserve better than that.

You could go back and read both of them the riot act, and find out the answers to the questions you want answered.

Yes, I have found that infections can exacerbate prolapse, and they definitely increase pelvic inflammation. The sooner you get the antibiotics into you, then when you have finished that, the probiotics to repopulate your body with good bacteria, the better.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this down. That silly urogyn seems to be dismissing your experience of your own body as irrelevant. Who does she think she is? You know what you are experiencing. Prolapses change all the time. (But yes, they are often worst, along with constipation, just before or during a period, so waiting for a week will give her a better idea.)

You are in the middle of a classical grief reaction, specifically in the middle of the deep sadness that makes you want to die, for what you have lost, and what you think you will never have. This is quite normal for a woman who has been told she has POP, or who has been told she doesn't have POP, when she knows she has. And you cannot see your way out of it.

Your husband may not be feeling very cooperative about his fish feeding duties, but I imagine he is more worried about you than about the fish! He is probably thinking that his wife is going to be a blubbering matron whose sex life is over. No no no no no, not likely. Can you talk to him about it?

I too am a woman who mows lawn and does stupid things. Ya just gotta work out exactly what that body is doing, find out what it means, teach it some new tricks and some alternative ways of getting results in this world, and you'll be back being you, a bit wiser, a bit smarter, and still you.

"If only I had beared down harder, she would have believed me." That's bargaining, another stage of grief.

Actually, it sounds as if these people are not taking you seriously, and that you are very resentful because of it. And kind of wallowing around in self-pity. That's understandable. I hope you will be able to turn that around by making some healthy decisions about your life style, and by seriously getting this infection under control.

Beware depression too. It can play tricks on your perception of other people and situations.

Meanwhile,

* get on with the antibiotics
* just use the fibre pills as directed, and up your fruit and veg in your diet
* talk to your husband. He loves you and is your ally.
* get him to talk to yo, and listen to him, so you know where he is *really* coming from
* Read the FAQ's tab for some answers to common questions
* Have a look at the videos in the Resources Tab, and get your posture organised better.
* Get someone in to clean the fish tank if having the kids help is too stressful.
* What else can you put on hold while you deal with this infection and get the prolapse under control?
* Get some common garden exercise every day. Walking is great. It will lift your spirits and get your guts moving.
* Get to sleep by 10pm every night,in a darkroom, so your body can produce the optimum amount of melatonin, which will reduce your inflammation.
* Buy the DVD First Aid for Prolapse
* Get some professional help for depression if these negative feelings go on for more than a couple of weeks. I think that once your period is over, and you have had a look at some WW resources, and made some postural improvements, and resolved the fish situation, you will be feeling much more positive about everything.

Now, sit yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again.

Louise :-)

Best of luck

lifeasme

January 31, 2013 - 6:55am

I'm not sure where I gave the impression that I am not taking meds for infection. I am taking them, I just am not really sure I have one. Maybe I do, but I kinda suspect that the dr was stumped and was trying to get rid of me.

I don't do any visual checking, only manual.

My husband is being fantasic. I mention the aquarium only as an example...that he hates it and yet he is looking after it (as best he can). There is no way my kids could help with it. I would have to call in another expert. This isn't a fish bowl. It's a couple hundred gallons with intricate plumping and stuff...and several thousand dollars worth of livestock. I wish I was able to enjoy it.

The behavior from the urogyn was more or less what I expected. I find specialists to be like this most of the time. My endocrinologist is the same way. I wasn't surprised by that at all. I'm going to go back after my period is over to at least see what she has to say about my prolapse(s) since my PCP seems to be pretty clueless about that. My options are somewhat limited and I'm not interested in going broke looking for drs since I have to pay for all of this out of poket. I'm a little bummed because my PCP is actually very good. He gets 5 stars on all the dr review sites and I'm not the only one who thinks so because he's not taking new patients, he's got his hands full. I guess unles it's a grade 3 though, he doesn't really recognize it.

I do realize that I am being whiny and a bit of a baby, especially with the whole "I want to die thing" but the fact is that I don't think I can live with this funky feeling in there.

I do most of the things mentioned already. Until I started to really feel down, I was going to the gym 4 times a week at least, doing yoga, TRX (google that if you are unfamiliar), and I do eat only whole foods....not so much raw usually though. I don't eat any fruit right now, only veggies. I was trying to lose weight but now I just feel like saying "screw it" puting on a pair of sweatpants and just giving up on life totally...

MsNightingale

January 31, 2013 - 7:19am

Welcome to this site. Have you ordered Christine's book and her series of DVDs? That is what you want to start with. That and the commitment to your new posture. In a few weeks, or months, whatever it takes for you to own this beautiful posture, you will start to feel strong and able. Your ability to take this posture and make it yours, will be your lifeline. You have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children. Get yourself into posture, post your questions regarding it, and step into your future. If you read the posts here by so many of us.....Louise and Surviving especially, go to success stories, you will see for yourself the amazing ability that we women have to heal and find hope and beauty in the little steps of improvement that comes when we put ourselves into a good direction and a good frame of mind. Your own success will depend upon your posture, your diet and elimination, and upon your attitude. The women here are amazing in their guidance and their compassion. Glad you are here and Best wishes to you.

Surviving60

January 31, 2013 - 9:15am

Hi lifeasme. I liked your comment - "I don't think I can live with this funky feeling in there". Why, of course you can. A rectocele is extremely manageable with WW posture and lifestyle. How many women on this site wish that they could say that they can't even feel their cervix most days? I have significant 'celes, which helps keep my cervix well inside of me (what Christine calls "nature's pessary"). I won't scold you because I do know what a shock this is. But you need to get on with your life, and making this posture correction at a relatively young age will set you on an excellent path to health, happiness, and a return to respecting and trusting your body. Do you think of good posture as sucking in your belly and tucking your butt? If so, then that misconception is part of what has gotten you into this situation. Start now to correct this, and over time, what you will experience will most likely be some combination of symptom reversal and no longer worrying about the symptoms you do feel. Prolapse is ever-changing anyway. Start teaching your body to move those organs forward into the lower belly and get that pressure off the vagina. You can do it. - Surviving

PS, what I meant by "liking" your comment was that I thought calling prolapse a funky feeling was a great way to put it into true perspective. I didn't mean to brush off the gravity of your concerns, merely to point out that it was a great description!

Ontarian

January 31, 2013 - 9:32am

Dear Lifeasme,
Thanks so much for your post and the honest sharing. It helps me to know that someone else feels the same as I do!! I am on this crazy roller coaster having good and bad days. One day I'm the most positive going to be the crap out of my prolapses, and the next day I'm the can't get my ass out of bed person. I'm feeling now this is normal and I am working my way through this. I am newly diagnosed and struggling. I have the WW book and first aide dvd which I am plugging away at each day. The posture really does help. I find this site and info extremely helpful. I don't have experience to share but, can certainly share the emotions of pop. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
Victoria

spiritwoman

January 31, 2013 - 9:36am

Lifeasme,
I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I'm glad you found this site which I truly believe is a way toward healing what we are facing. I am new to this program and have no success story yet. All I can offer at this point is the hope that my understanding might help you feel less alone. And a great book, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle who teaches how all that really exists is this moment. Not who we have been, not who we will be. For me it presents a challenge to accept what has happened and not put resistance to what is in the way of my healing. Believe me, I haven't wanted to accept this and daily must deal with my mind which screams "no! it's not fair, no!" It's okay to feel these feelings. Just by being aware that we are feeling them and voicing them brings us closer to healing. I am grateful for your honesty and your willingness to share your feelings of despondency and pain. I am grateful for your willingness to share these things and thus open yourself to healing. Much love to you.

Surviving60

January 31, 2013 - 10:28am

Thanks ladies for some great inspiration.

The discovery of prolapse can indeed make you feel like the joy has gone out of life. I was there myself, going on 3 years ago. What I really want new members to know, is that this work will give them back that joy, and it will give them even more than that. Lifeasme, this is a great challenge when you have a young family and you are trying to carve out some time to get into this work; I found it took total immersion and that's hard for anyone to come by. It is a leap of faith. I know Christine doesn't like to hear it described that way, because of all the solid science behind what she teaches. But for the rest of us, at the beginning it is totally a leap of faith regardless. Please have this faith, in your body and in the knowledge that is here for the taking. Love and good luck to all of you! - Surviving

agnusdei

January 31, 2013 - 1:23pm

I agree with surviving, with work the joy of life will come back! I too was an emotional wreck, 33 and my bottom was slowly giving way. I went right to the bottom and cried, found this site and it took a few days but I picked myself off the dusty floor and started out in this new challenge by trying the posture. I sit in posture and stand and the little walking I do is in posture. I have a pretty good cystocele, and had a really bad bulge until about 4 weeks into this posture, mostly sitting and standing, and then I had some relief. This past Saturday the bulge came back and seemed even worse than before, and so after some wiggle jiggling more than normal, and really concentrating on the breathing part more, I have it back under control. This all in less than a week. Do I get concerned about how bad this will get after the babe is born, yes, but I shouldn't worry about what is yet to come. I know, worry most often amounts to nothing more than a load of stress. So I know how it feels to be so worried and wonder how you'll possible deal with the feeling you have in your nether regions, but give it time. Patience and perseverance is what I found really helped. Lean on your husband, he will help you through this. I also prayed a lot, am thankful this is not life threatening but an annoyance with a funky feeling, and we have the tools to be symptom free or at least managing the symptoms. I try to focus on the joys in life, like my 3 kids, the 4th on the way. Homeschooling and teaching about life. Chicks in the incubator ready to hatch. Reading stories to the kids, especially about animals and saints. Once you see through the tears, and the feeling of your body having turned on you and turned your life upside and inside out goes away, you will live just as well as before. The difference is it will be with a little more focus on your actual being, what goes into your body and how to carry yourself. Do I have days where I wish I didn't have to work on posture, yes, but, I know it can be better, because for me it is better than the first days. The first days were rough and dark, and I can say now, I am doing well considering the POP. Take care!

Lost

February 4, 2013 - 1:48pm

Hi lifeasme,

I'm having the same feeling as you. I was so miserable and wanted to end my life too when I saw something bulging out from my vagina. I was so stressed and I barely want to do anything except lying down. Not in the mood to clean, cook and play with my baby when I first noticed that I have some strange thing going on down there. I was freaked out to see something bulging out like you said a 'tongue' appearing at the end of my vaginal and was in tears for weeks before I get to see my gynae. After my check-up, she told me that the bulge is actually granulation tissues. So, would it be granulation tissues that you are having? It sounds like one to me since I have something similar sticking out like a tongue. Perhaps, you can get your gynae to check it for you.

Having said that, I'm still not fully recovered and I'm still not convinced that I'm not having prolapse. I still feel sore between my legs everytime when I walk/stand. I have really no clue what is happening to me and wonder whether I would actually recover from this.

I hope you well soon.