Irony

Submitted by optimistic33 on April 15, 2013 - 11:33am
Body: 

Hello all,

This is my first post but I've been perusing the forum for weeks now. Perhaps I've been in denial that I have a prolapse but I know I shouldn't try to fool myself any longer. I too had a VBAC - ah how many times a day do I run through the scenario and wish I had stopped through the 30 hour laboring process to say...this isn't progressing naturally, we should do the C-section. I had a fabulous recovery after my c-section with my daughter. I only decided to do the VBAC because I thought it would aid in my recovery - I was never one of those who mourned the vaginal experience - and help her with the transition and be better for baby. I couldn't imagine not being able to pick her up for 6 weeks. How ironic that now I'm restricted in picking her up and probably my grandkids for my entire life. I feel that her mommy as she knew her - fun, carefree, running to catch her, spinning her around, toting her around at Disney World, running through airports with her strapped to my chest - is gone. I know I am still the same as a person but I have been mourning these weeks the time lost spent with my daughter trolling prolapse forums, doing the habit DVD exercise, sneaking off to the restroom to check myself. Why oh why didn't I just go the routine route. My husband is or has been very supportive but I now feel like he thinks it's time to move on and stop regretting my decision (that I shouldn't regret my decision) and just focus on improving. Believe me, I want to and I'm trying but it isn't something easy to forget when you see your daughter running carefree through the lawn saying can't catch me and thinking you're right - I probably can't - and not being able to just pick her up when she is throwing a tantrum in a store because you are afraid her dead weight with jerk your uterus down.

I pushed for 3.5 hours - I didn't feel the need to push (heavy epi) and he was a big baby at 9 lbs. I had a minor perineum tear, a tear at my vaginal opening and one in my vaginal wall. I thought I got off pretty well since people typically only focus on the perineum tear. I was up and going as soon as we got out of the hospital. No one had told me to take it easy - but DUH I guess, common sense. I was on cloud 9 for 3 weeks. The day before my husband was going back to work, I felt something funny. I don't know what made me look - I didn't feel pressure. I went in the back and looked down there and I was horrified to see what I know now is my huge urethra (I thought it was my cervix) and then I noticed a piece of tissue sort of flap by (not sure how else to describe it.) I didn't remember my urethra looking so large when I had looked at 2 weeks. I thought it actually looked pretty good then - just a big hole and one side sewn a little tight. My stress at that time was how is this going to get smaller. Little did I know I had bigger problems. I'm not sure when the cystocele arrived. I saw a RN the next day and she said it wasn't my cervix - that was up high but I was seeing my urethra and things were just swollen. She then tapped on something and said this is your bladder - it's relaxed. She's like it will go back up - just do your kegels. She asked that I do one and she said - your kegel is week. You need to do 100 a day. I was like uh ok. I still had no idea that I had a prolapse or that is what a relaxed bladder meant. I had a consult with a physical therapist. She said she saw no prolapse and told me I was doing my kegels wrong and helped me do them the right way. She also gave me one other exercise to work my transverse abdominis. She said she considered prolapse to be at hymen level (I wasn't sure even where that was) and that nothing was at level so that put my mind at ease. My 6 week check-up rolled around and OB said that she saw no signs of prolapse. When I asked about my cervix - she said it looked to be the height of someone that had carried two children. I asked her about lifting heavy things and she said to do so sparingly and the right way. She said I could resume the Bar Method which is my main workout since it strengthened the pelvic floor. I told her I guess we are done having kids because I'm worried about things getting worse. She didn't say they wouldn't (she hadn't even said I had a prolapse) but she told me to come see her in 6 months to discuss. I called her office last week to chat with her but she was out. I asked her nurse to see if her notes had mentioned anything about a prolapse. She said they say mild cystocele - I guess that would have been nice to know. I go back to see her this week for IUD insertion and plan to get a re-evaluation.

Sorry the crazy long back story that is all over the place. Today I am 12 weeks postpartum. I feel a little bulge at the side of the front opening of my vagina. I wouldn't say it was the size of a golf ball - just spongey, ribbed - I'm assuming this is my bladder wall that is attached to my urethra? Since my urethra has fallen then perhaps this came along with it? I also can see tissue from the back side - nothing hanging out and nothing that feels bulgy. The only way I really know that I have a cystocele or urethracele is that I feel my urethra touch my clitoris when I bend over sometimes. My urine stream pressure varies at different pees but no stopping mid-stream and I always pretty much feel like I fully empty. I've been juicing (green juice) to keep my bowels moving but I do notice when they get backed up and I put my finger in my vagina, I can feel some stool through the lining - more so at the top behind my cervix location. I think this may be a mild enterocele? I feel like my cervix for the most part is about 2 nuckels up on my middle finger at the top of my vaginal canal. I wouldn't say it has dropped in my vagina but then again I don't know what is normal even though I felt my vagina pre-baby. I read that 3 inches is normal and that would be the length of my entire middle finger. I will say that I don't necessarily feel like I need to push anything out of the way to make to the end of the canal so I feel like that is a positive sign with the cystocele. I also only feel a little movement from cervix when bearing down and not really any on my back wall. my cystocele does come forward some at the top. I'm not really sure if my bladder is just at the top of that or if it's actually my bladder sitting there?

Last week I started feeling really well - I should note I've been working on WW posture since about 5 weeks postpartum as well as starting doing the Hab-it DVD at 6 weeks. I had almost forgotten about the prolapse and ran around with my daughter - flying a kite. It was exhilarating. The next day I started feeling my urethra touching my clitoris again - I had laxed up some on my exercises. I have been also putting the baby (he already weighs 15 lbs!) in and out of the car in his car seat in the stroller and I try to remember to breathe when picking him up and I've picked up my 30 lb toddler a few times though I try to remember the right way to do it when I do it. I know I shouldn't lift things but my heart and body really want to. It's so hard knowing you can do things but not being able to because you might hurt something. You are capable of it but can't. It's like a piece of chocolate sitting in front of you that you can't eat.

As for symptoms, mine thankfully are pretty much non-existent. I just know I have these things from looking with a mirror and manually checking, reading online, etc. Thankfully no pain during sex and am orgasming. The only thing that really reminds me of it is the tickle from my urethra on my clitoris. This seems to go away when my backside feels tighter. I noticed that after doing the Bar Method last week that my body felt really well. I even had a hard time reaching my cervix. I thought things were on the mend. I went again on Saturday but I'm always fearful going that one of the exercises is going to hurt me further. Have any of you done bar? They focus a lot on posture but there is a section devoted to abs though not with sit ups, basically sitting in a certain position, flexing transverse abdominis and breathing. Will this cause intra-abdomincal pressure? Also, I read online that doing an assisted headstand as in yoga helps you re-position the uterus? Any thoughts on this? I actually tried it as I'm very good at headstands and it was very odd. I felt a thump in my abdomen move towards my head when i first got up. I also hear the wall flower stretch where you put your legs on the wall help? I just don't want to hurt anything.

I guess I'm writing to ask will I always have to be careful of lifting, running, jumping for joy, dancing or will I be able to do these things once my body strengthens? When will I know it is strong enough to do these things? Do you have any thoughts on my symptoms? Does it sound like a cystocele? I can't really see "in" my vagina because of the wall of tissue (this is a ribbed like tissue) at the front side of opening so I can't tell if I could see my cervix anyway for a uterine prolapse. I feel like my vaginal opening was very large after the baby was born so this might have something to do with things moving down as well - not being as supported? Will kegel8 help? I've been careful not to do too many kegels and have also been incorporating Christine's. Do things continue to rise through postpartum?

I feel like my life is consumed with this right now when all I want to do is enjoy my beautiful family and have things as they were.

Forum:

optimistic33

April 15, 2013 - 11:34am

Oh, and I guess I meant to put I'm 33....about 5'5, 120 lbs.

Christine

April 15, 2013 - 12:28pm

Hi Optimistic,

Hopefully we can help you develop a different framework from which to view your experience. Should we be blaming the vaginal birth? Or the epidural that numbed your highly evolved neurogenic birth process? And why 3 weeks after delivery, rather than immediately? There are clear reasons for this, which have everything to do with whether your organs became locked into position, or literally blown backwards toward the vaginal outlet. The organs have not fallen down, they have fallen back from their anatomic positions behind the lower abdominal wall.

I'm not familiar with the Bar Method, but do know that Tasha does not teach about the true pelvic organ support system. To find out whether these exercises will help or exacerbate your symptoms, learn about how intraabdominal pressure moves through your body. This is the beginning and end of the story, because how we position the body as we breathe and move under the forces of gravity determines how our internal organs are positioned inside the abdominal and pelvic cavities.

Here is a lovely example (click here) of WW posture. Do you see the horizontal shelf upon which her bladder and uterus sit? They sit on her lower belly, not on her pelvic "floor". It is ironic that you blame your vagina/pelvic "floor" for your prolapse, when it is the truly important structure of pelvic organ support - your lower belly - that has been significantly damaged by the C-section.

If you maintain the true pelvic organ support system, it will help move intraadominal pressure, coming down from your lungs every time you take a breath, through your pelvis naturally. Just standing and breathing, we create a tremendous amount of internal pressure, which is managed in a very precise way. If the woman in the photograph above was to maintain this natural shape while picking up a toddler, what do you think would happen? Her bladder and uterus would simply be pressed down further over her true bony pelvic floor (which are the pubic bones that come together underneath her like straps of a saddle) and against her soft, rounded, horizontal lower belly. Lifting is not the problem, posture is the problem.

Because of the way strong lumbar curvature locks the pelvic organs into position and the vaginal walls shut, any kind of inversion strategy is simply the wrong concept.

I hope this encourages you to learn more about how pelvic organ support really works. I expect in a year your symptoms will be largely resolved if you work to understand your body.

Wishing you well,

Christine

optimistic33

April 15, 2013 - 12:56pm

Thank you Christine! I feel flattered to have you read and respond to my post. I received your book over the weekend as well as the second wheel DVD. I didn't realize I probably should have ordered the first aid for prolapse. I have also been seeing a chiropractor. While I am not a fan of x-rays, I had them done. The good news is that there is still good curve in my spine - the chiro said this is generally lost in someone my age though I'm only 33. I took this as a good sign. So it is ok to lift if I bend from my hips to pick up my daughter, pull her to me and keep lumbar curve while I am walking/holding her? Also, I still feel my uterus contracting quite frequently - is this a good sign? Should I do any specific moves when this happens to try and coax it back to where it was? You are right about the c-section damaging the muscles - I didn't realize this was a possible side effect when opting for the vaginal birth. I should have done better research. But there I go in that mindframe of thinking. It's just so hard! I just received an elated email from a friend who did a repeat C and has had the most fabulous recovery and is enjoying all the snuggling and cuddling with the baby. That could have been me. But we all make our own choices and have to live with the consequences. Think you for the time to answer my questions.

Christine

April 15, 2013 - 1:24pm

Yes, I believe the best exercise a postpartum mom can do is to bend at her hips, raise her baby close to her chest, *lift her chest* and walk, do toe raises, climb stairs, etc. Be sure not to stick your bottom out, but to lift your chest. One creates a low, sharp curve that hurts your sacroiliac joints at the base of your spine; the other creates a beautiful, wide-radius lumbar curvature that is the basis of human bipediality.

Your round ligaments are working to contract your uterus down and forward against your lower belly. Don’t try to help the process along except through gentle postural work.

Most of all, fill yourself with love and gratitude for your husband, your babies, and a perfect pelvic organ support system. Oxytocin - the love hormone - is central to the process. So, please don’t blame yourself. Many, many of us have been trapped by a crazy system that does not know up from down. Enjoy this time with your babies and trust that your body knows best. It is very possible that your friend - now with two uterine scars and a lot of potential for abdominal adhesions - will have more problem than you with urinary incontinence as she ages. Cystocele seems part of the “plan”, where a manageable bulge helps to prevent loss of urine when you cough or sneeze. We call it Nature’s Pessary.

Surviving60

April 16, 2013 - 5:20am

Hi Optimistic. Many women find things at their worst around 12 weeks PP, so if you give yourself a chance you should find plenty of healing in the days ahead. It can take a full 2 years for the body to recover....certainly no less after what you have been through.

Your post of one of those ones that make me feel grateful for finding Whole Woman and not getting sidetracked by a kegel-based approach. I hope that you understand you really can't do both. I did kegels religiously for decades so I can attest that they do not work and they do aggravate the problem. Go to the blog and look for Christine's article called "Just Do Yer Kegels" for the explanation.

Posture is everything. If like many of us, you've been sucking in your belly for who knows how long, stop now. Relax the belly, pull up your chest, feel strong and beautiful. Give your organs room to return to their positions behind the lower abdominal wall. Think not only of those organs, but of the health of your hips and spine as you age. Christine's work has huge implications for all of us. Give it 1000%. - Surviving

optimistic33

April 16, 2013 - 9:31am

Surviving, Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You touch so many people through your kind words. I will say your screen name kind of scares me though - Survivin! Was that how you felt when you started and not so much now? I have been trying to apply all methods to my recovery from the habit DVD with doing kegels sitting in lumbar curve to posture, to the new kegels (is that fire breathing?) to Katy Bowman's squats (Are these bad for me?) Today things are better and worse. I think my cystocele is higher. The front wall is firmer and my urethra doesn't seem to touch when I bend over (of course it is still morning). I believe I do have a mild recto as well since my stool seems to get caught in a pocket just before I can get it out. I tried splinting but I couldn't feel that strong of a bulge (my stool was very soft) so it didn't help. The skin just seems a little saggy, bulky along that side, not like a large bit of tissue bulge so am unsure. The amazing thing is that with my bowels empty, everything feels so much better and higher. With hopeful improvement in my recto, will this become more long-term? My body feels very good/normal at this moment...I would think I was normal if I didn't know otherwise. The unsettling thing is my cervix is lower...it usually is at the top of two knuckles but is now at the bottom of two knuckels and I don't have to really force my hand all the way up to find it. I'm thinking this is most likely because my cystocele has moved up (nature's pessary?) Will my cervix continue to come down if both recto and cysto heal? I hope not! I was hoping by doing the kegels that the walls would become closer/tighter and keep my utererus supported since I read you can strengthen the sides but not the middle. Thanks so much for any guidance.

Surviving60

April 16, 2013 - 1:35pm

I had two large babies, and I certainly felt the bulge afterwards, but assumed this was normal after passing large watermelons through my vag! I went back to a life of kegeling and bad posture, and my 'celes appeared quite horrendously and suddenly right after my 60th birthday. At the time I thought, wow, I wasn't afraid of turning 60, but it really does stink after all!! I decided that somehow I would survive (and maybe even thrive) after reaching this traumatic milestone.

So my advice to you, is to make this posture correction now. Live in the posture. It took me well into my second year before it was automatic for my body during normal standing and walking. What made this happen was my decision to quit dabbling and get serious. Walking walking walking in mindful posture was the best tool for that. Last year I hiked for 6 hours and when I was done, I was virtually symptom-free.

Those of us with best results are the ones who took this bull by the horns. We all have to do the work ourselves. It is joyful work. I have regained all respect for my body and lost my fear of this getting worse. Symptoms come and go, but you will feel it when you gain control. - Surviving60+