bummed out over rectocele diagnosis... still feeling ashamed about my body

Submitted by Tree Woman on July 5, 2013 - 2:51am
Body: 

Is it natural to grieve for the girl/woman you were before the prolapse messed up your insides and how can you get past the shame, often irrationally persistent, that you're less than you were before? I promise I have tried self pep talks and meditation but I still wake up with that shame that lingers and doesn't let me go. I hate feeling unworthy of good things. I know this is not true and that no one can see my problems when looking at me, but when I think about my body all I can see is an ugly girl. Someone not good enough, damaged, because I can look at all of me and I *know* and can't hide it under clothing and gewelry and such. It is always this flaw in myself lurking underneath, so when I think something positive about myself I always hit the thought that I know better and of course that makes me feel worse. I haven't been able to recognize my body as mine for weeks. I feel like I am living someone else's life and am in someone else's body. Has anyone experienced this persistent shame and irreconciliation of what you are and who you are? I swear sometimes this is worse than the physical symptoms. My euphamism for uterine prolapse was "London Bridge is falling down" and I thought my woman nature was collapsing. I no longer feel like this as I apparently don't have the uterine prolapse, but I swear when the doctor at UCSF straightened out my rectocele and got it out of the way I almost cried (with relief.) She instructed me to look up there to see for myself that my vagina wasn't "falling down" I looked and it wasn't, it looked like it did over six years ago before this problem with the cervix way up there. I was so grateful, but at the same time I know the rectocele won't just move out of the way for me so most of the time I don't look the way I used to, and yesterday I cried my eyes out over the body I was losing/had already lost. Part of me thinks this is really silly, I mean bodies change, I will grow old, what's the big deal? Why care this much? But it's been a really big deal. I feel so ashamed, so undesirable. I know part of my struggle has to do with the fact that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship which did not help my self esteem or feelings of desirability, but still I need to stop feeling this way and like I said nothing I am trying, positive mantras and meditation and the like, helps me. There is temporary relief and then I am smack back in the shame and can't recognize what is happening to me as what is happening to me, if that makes sense. Somehow I am still refusing to accept it. How do people learn to love who they are now, since I know this will never really go away. How do you learn to find yourself loveable again?

Really, I don't spend every day all day this depressed, but I am depressed over this every day for half or more of the day unless something or someone distracts me so much that I forget what I look like. Am I being horribly petty and ridiculous? Sorry for bumming you out! (no pun intended.)

Forum:

123Butterfly

July 5, 2013 - 5:47am

Hi Tree Woman,
I'm still very new here and to all this prolapse stuff, but I want to say some words. When I experienced for the first time, that I have an urethrocystocele I was very very very depressed. I cried a lot and thought of my body as you do. I felt damaged, like after a war had taken place in my vagina.
Today I'm feeling better. Not every day is a good day and when the bulge is bigger, I'm still feeling a little depressed. What really helps for me is to think of all, what my body went through. It has given birth to three beautiful babys. All of them 8 pounds or even more with big heads. But my body did that. I should be proud of it. Now I'm mostly full of respect for it. That's my key to feel better. My body and I, we went through very hard situations and my body made everything so great. Now, all I can do is to stay in posture and give my body, what it now needs. Believe in you. Don't give your body up, it just needs some more support.
All the best for you
Butterfly

Surviving60

July 5, 2013 - 9:15am

Hi Tree Woman - Every woman's prolapse discovery is different. There are many women on this forum for whom this discovery is yet one more burden to bear, on top of many many other issues they have had to endure throughout their lives. For these women I have the utmost respect for what they have dealt with just to get to this point in their lives. For others, like myself, who may not have had it so hard, I get rather impatient when I think they are wallowing in self-pity. Tree Woman, you fall into the former category and I admire your strength and ability to deal. I have to think that you have found enough support here already, to realize how common your feelings are, and to have received and continue to receive the support to help you get out of that funk and stay there for longer and longer periods. We are all beautiful women, blessed to have found this refuge!! - Surviving

Wantmylifeback

July 5, 2013 - 1:42pm

I wanted to talk to you about one line out of your post. You said you were in an abusive relationship? I know the torment a relationship like that can cause. You are never alone and you are beautiful and sweet! I was in a very abusive relationship. He twisted my mind until I couldn't think, he tried to kill me several times and when I tried to leave he threatened and hired someone to pour acid at me!! I actually got away with the help of the state of Florida! My mind was so twisted that I was my own worst enemy! I had to get professional help! I went through 2 yrs of intensive counseling and after the birth of my babies came out a better person! My point is its NOT your fault! These abusers know exactly what they are doing and they pray on sweet women!! I had to get the counseling bc I was seeking out that kind of man bc I thought I deserved it because of terrible childhood abuse! It's not your fault! No matter how much your partner blamed everything on you they were wrong its not your fault! Something that helped me gain self esteem was an exercise the counselor had me do. You have to stand in a mirror and look your self in the eyes and tell yourself you are beautiful over and over again! I know you said you had sight problems but I don't know how bad they are if you can't see yourself in a mirror just imagine that your looking at your reflection and TELL yourself that you ARE beautiful very assertively as many times as you need during the day and you can add other attributes about yourself too as long as they are positive! It may sound silly but at first I couldn't even look myself in the eyes!! By the end of the exercise I was so proud and finding new great things to say about myself every time!! It took about 9 months! The emotional damage that we suffer from abusive relationships is extremely damaging to our well being! It's not your fault!! It might help to find a counselor that helps with domestic abuse victims... It helped me to change my negative thinking about myself! You are beautiful and you have an army of women standing behind you!!! We love you!!

Wantmylifeback

July 5, 2013 - 2:47pm

I wanted to add, the reason I kept saying its not your fault is because the abuser tricks your mind into actually believing him when he says its all your fault! It's a lie!! The abuser is an abuser because they want to act that way, they have control over their actions. It's absolutely ludicrous that they abuse us and its our fault! But they mess our heads up so badly we actually believe them when they say its our fault!! I said its not your fault because every time someone told me it wasn't my fault I started crying! It felt so good to FINALLY be validated! That I wasn't crazy and it wasn't my fault!! I wanted you to have that validation and I wanted to give you that emotional release!! You are never alone and you are beautiful and sweet and I am rooting for you!!

want2know

July 5, 2013 - 3:12pm

anyway.

I hope no one is offended by this, but I feel that there is too much emphasis put on outward beauty. What we ARE is so much more important than what we look like. In fact, as we grow in kindness and love and care for others, this is what people notice. It does affect our outward appearance (smiles, peace) and others are drawn to us.

I agree with WMLB, Tree Woman, you ARE a beautiful person and don't let anyone tell you that you're not.

I hope this helps

w2k

Tree Woman

July 5, 2013 - 4:36pm

While I certainly haven't dealt with with extreme physical abuse, fortunately, my partner was very verbally and emotionally abusive. I left before things got physical but he was making physical threats, and of course as you said everything was my fault. It means so much to get that validation, thank you! I felt very unsafe in that relationship and sometimes I wonder if this prolapse issue isn't compounded for me because I don't feel safe in my own body. Perhaps that is why I've found it so hard to accept myself? Hmm, I will think more on that. I will also try your exercise: I can't see at all but I don't need to see with my eyes for it to be both challenging and helpful. I appreciate all the support I am getting from you and other women. I am truly blesseed to not be alone.

Tree Woman

July 5, 2013 - 4:43pm

Thanks I needed to hear that. It's funny I think that as someone who is blind I tend to be more self conscious about my appearance because I don't know how I appear to others. I was standing waiting for the bus in ww posture today, though, and the stranger also at the bus stop struck up a conversation with me and told me that I was very beautiful. :-) I am learning how to actually take in those comments rather than dismissing them or failing to listen. This ought to be no different than being blind, the idea being that you are a person first and second happen to be blind or have whatever other disability, you are not your disability. I think slowly I am learning I need to do the same with these prolapses, I am always a person first, and they don't define my character. I'm having a much easier time of it today so thanks.

Tree Woman

July 5, 2013 - 4:48pm

Thanks Surviving. I'm finding lots of support here and yes, I certainly don't want to be stuck here in self disgust mode. I refuse to be a victim. I think I've been stuck in denial for a while, and though it seems more painful on face value acceptance will probably be the key to moving on and living life. I know there is a fine line between wallowing and grieving but I realize I've crossed it a few times lately.

Wantmylifeback

July 6, 2013 - 12:32pm

i just wanted to show you some more support. you are being way too hard on yourself! In my opinion, it just seems like you are grieving appropriately! especially after every thing you are going through!!! after going through the abuse we tend to blame ourselves for everything and set unrealisticly high expectations on ourselves. almost like if we can just accomplish one thing perfectly we can feel good enough about ourselves!! its ok to ask for support and its ok to grieve!!! stop being so hard on yourself! you are a great woman and i hope you can start feeling that way about yourself!! keep us informed on your progress! dont be afraid to ask for support again if you are feeling down again! this site is awesome because no matter what you are going through there is bound to be someone whos done it before and can help!!!

Aussie Soul Sister

July 7, 2013 - 8:10am

Hi Dear Tree woman,
Your forum name suggests to me a woman,
of beauty, strength & regal stance.
Standing tall like a beautiful strong tree is powerful imagery,
in its peacefulness,
& its just
"being".

(((hugs))) & Best Wishes,
Aussie Soul Sister

Tree Woman

July 8, 2013 - 2:06am

Hi Soul Sister,
I love your name too! Whenever I see your name on the forum I am reminded that we are all soul sisters here, and we're in this together!

Ah yes I chose the name Tree Woman for several reasons. A woman who is already whole, safe, and secure. Hey, if I don't believe it yet, my name will always remind me of what is true and bring me out of fear back to love. I identify as a druid spiritually, and so I am often communing with nature among the trees. In ancient cultures, trees have sometimes been called the standing people: wise, magestic, and very old. In many modern pagan traditions, there is a posture called "the tree" which helps us in grounding and centering. We often use the imagery of becoming a tree rooted in the earth to guide us into meditation or help us be mindful of the present while involved in spiritual practice. Tree posture as it turns out is more or less ww posture when standing!

Also, I'm interested and aware of chacras, and according to that system of thought issues with bowels like mine-- rectocele and rectal prolapse-- are linked to a lack of a healthy sense of having a foundation or feeling grounded firmly in your life journey. I can say I have not felt grounded or centered lately at all! So I wanted to invoke a healthy sense of coming home to myself and finding a place to land. When I get tired from maintaining the ww posture I remind myself that I am strong and sturdy like a tree, and it helps empower me and I forget about being tired. And yes, I have over thought this but it all makes perfect sense to me! :-)

Aussie Soul Sister

July 9, 2013 - 8:14am

Hi dear Tree Woman,
What fabulous imagery!!
Very calming strong & centering.
What an interesting spirituality the druids have.
Thankyou for sharing.
When I was choosing my forum name I was thinking of how we are all sisterly here,
even though we are scattered across the globe.
When I think of us all going about our daily lives,
I thought about the link we all have in this way...
"We are not alone, we are all beautiful, individual pieces of a giant quilt with long silk threads linking us across the miles."
(((hugs)))
& Best Wishes
Aussie Soul Sister