I'm new here...and here is my story..

Submitted by InvertedYogiMama on May 13, 2015 - 10:36am
Body: 

Hi everyone. I've been reading every post I can for the last four months, and thought I'd finally introduce myself. I never ever thought I'd be here, and I don't even remember exactly how I found this site (probably google) because these past six months have been a blur. I'm 34, have three kids ages 13, 3, and almost 7 months, all natural deliveries at birth centers, very fast 4 hr labors. I have been practicing Forrest Yoga for three years, which is very core oriented and focuses on long holds in difficult positions. Everything was fine until I got pregnant with my third baby, and I found out that my bladder was prolapsed a little bit from having a tilted uterus and no lower lumbar curve. It was so bad that I had to strain to pee in the first trimester until my uterus moved up off of my bladder. Fast forward to delivery, and she was born with her fist up by her ear, and out in two real pushes...but my midwife allowed me to bear down just a bit at the end of all my contractions because it helped the pain. That was a big mistake and I wish I could go back and redo that!

Anyway, I have been through all the grieving stages three or four times, and I've seen my midwives, my OB, and two different PT's. I have a grade 2-3 cytocele, depending on the day. Kegels made it worse and the little pink half golf ball was falling out in the morning for weeks until I stopped doing them. I told my PT no more, and to try trigger point release internal therapy. It worked some, because I had knots in my tissues and it hurt like hell for the next day. I've been doing calf stretches and glute strengthening work, which helps. I have to focus on not clenching my butt cheeks out of fear, and relaxing my pelvic floor, and it helps. I don't pick up heavy things anymore, I get help with housework, I don't carry my toddler anymore (which still makes me cry that I can't pick him up when he needs me). I'm gaining weight, because I'm depressed. I can't go to yoga class, because I'm exclusively breast feeding my baby girl and she doesn't take a bottle of pacifier. I've shelled out so much money on PT, doctor appointments, therawand, DVDs, and finally just bought the biggest WW package there is in hopes that it will work. I've read the Katy bowman blog, the hyporepressive workout articles, and I've taken bits of what works for me and incorporated it into my day.

What kills me is that I feel absolutely broken. Never in my life has my body limited me in my ability to be "superwoman" and get it all done. My ego has taken a massive blow, and my sexuality went right out the window with it. I feel crushed, tears are running down and I type this out. Going to the zoo with my family is terrifying because I know my prolapse will fall out halfway through. A simple trip to the store exhausts my body and I have to sit or lie down to keep from having to push my bladder back up inside. Sex is nonexsistant, which is horrible for me because I'm a redhead (and you know what they say about redheads!) and sex has been a huge part of my marriage. It hurts, and not just "I'm breastfeeding" hurts. I feel like it gets pulled out with each out stroke, if you know what I mean, and I'm sore for DAYS afterwards, even though we use plenty of coconut oil.

I just want to be me again. I know it's not possible to be back to normal, but I'd be happy with just a grade 1 prolapse!!! I'd rather leak a little when I sneeze or jump than have lady balls. I don't leak, by the way, because it's fallen so far down. I usually have to go pee, then stand up and "lift" and then go pee again. It's crazy.

I am trying to lose 65 lbs to get back to my own personal normal weight, but the Jillian michaels DVDs I used to do make things awful and I can't. The yoga I used to do is too intense, and I can't do that either. Hopefully the WW yoga DVDs can help me get back in shape safely. I want to be able to workout using my own body weight, and not have my bladder hanging through my vagina. It's just crappy. Please pardon my rambling. It's just very emotional and I'm so determined to "heal" but on days like today I'm more paralyzed in fear to know what to do next. I'm sure there is more to tell, but my toddler needs me and baby is about to wake up.

Sigh. So that's me, in a nutshell. Hi!

Forum:

InvertedYogiMama

May 13, 2015 - 10:40am

Oh, and doing uddiyanna Banda helps pull my prolapse up, which is nice, but it doesn't last. :)

Surviving60

May 13, 2015 - 1:01pm

Hi YogiMama and welcome! If you have been reading a lot over the last 4 months, then surely what I have to say will sound familiar. Once you have retrained your body back to correct posture (undoing all those tight abs and butt-tucking you were taught to do!!) you can do virtually anything you desire with a prolapse. Carrying your child (or anything else) can actually be beneficial if held close to the body in correct posture, because the weight-loading helps close off the vagina against the encroaching organs.

We are always posting links to YouTube and the other videos on this site, so be sure you have a look at these, and get started on posture now. A young mom who is only 7 months PP still has lots of healing ahead, and there is so very much that you can do to help your organs return to their normal positions in the relaxed lower belly. So jump right in. The first thing that happened to me after I found WW was that I lost that fear that you are drowning in right now. You’ll do great - Surviving

Miss Diagnosed

May 13, 2015 - 1:14pm

I'm not perhaps dealing with such extreme issues as you but can relate to the feelings of despair and fear and grief all the same. Most of us can.
Just the other day I almost lifted my three year old daughter and then forced myself to stop and think of the consequences...hate it almost more than the physical elements of prolapse but now she is very good and knows that mummy has a 'wonky tummy' so we have lots of cuddles lying down and it helps a bit....
As for where you are right now...yes all the kegels made things worse and it looks like you have already seen small improvements since stopping them so take heart from the knowledge that things can get better! Have you been trying the posture? Sitting pulled up helped me immediately when I tried it in the early days and I was amazed to think that such a 'simple' step would help. Walking in posture also helps me as long as I don't overdo it.
Anyway I think you will benefit from reading the success stories. Cystoceles seem to respond so well to ww work and you have to hold on to that thought. Possibly the prolapse was here after your second baby and it just got worse after this one. I think that is certainly true for me looking back and I'm keeping positive that I improved a lot over the course of a year or more after my first baby especially in terms of internal tone and comfort during sex and so on. It's still early days for both of us and everyone on here says three to nine months are the pits so let's look forward to better times soon...
Sending you a hug over the web.

everhopeful

May 13, 2015 - 2:34pm

I can empathise with much of your story and so will many others here. I believe things can improve for you and that this site is the way forward. Try to be kind to yourself,you have done nothing wrong and time is on your side as we r assured that the body needs two years to fully recover from child birth. The info on this site is wonderful and the posture and regular exersises on Christine's videos and in her book r key to recovery and feeling like yourself again. I have found that the easiest and healthiest way to lose weight myself has been by following the Paleo for Dummies book . If u like coconut,nuts, veg,fruit,organic meat and natural unprocessed food take a look it could help you in your recovery and allow you to enjoy your lovely family again. Good luck :)

Aging gracefully

May 13, 2015 - 3:50pm

I just want to add in here that you don't have to go on a paleo diet or any kind of "diet" for that matter to lose weight. Diets are always restrictive and never seem to last. I have been on my fair share of them over years, for sure!
Just cutting out the processed foods and sugar is a good start in a whole foods way of eating. The more ingredients on the list on a product, the worse it is.
And, just plain eating less and moving more is a good way to go about losing weight.
Did you know that our plate sizes in the 1950s was 10 inches. By 1980, they went up to 12 inches! Our portion sizes, no matter what they are, have just gotten to be too big.
My advice is not to diet, but to eat healthy foods so you can feel better.
Off my soapbox once again!

Aussie Soul Sister

May 13, 2015 - 7:11pm

InvertedYogiMama - hello and welcome,

To add to what the other lovely ladies have said here, I have read and seen that many popular exercise approaches are akin to "boot camp" style and even some yoga styles have become like that.

I experienced pop at the same age you are now and managed for a long time before finding WW.

I have been here nigh on 3yrs, and have found Christine's approach so holistic...her DVDs can be challenging, and very effective, but at the same time meditative and relaxing.

Christine's exercises and breathing are so supportive of the female form and I actually love exercising now - never liked it before and now am dabbling in some WWrunning, which I hated before WW... and wouldn't do.

The first thing to work on and keep doing is WWPosture, and the DVDs are an adjunct to that.

There is a wealth of information that Christine gives on the DVDs and in her book, and blog, and you will learn and absorb different bits relevant to where you are at, as you go.
This forum as you may know has a search box for threads with info relevant to you.

Best wishes to you on this journey, and let us know how you go,

Aussie Soul Sister
P.S. I have 3 lovely children too!

P.P.S. I eat whatever I need - just limit sugar and pasta/white rice and junk food, as managing pop, and health and energy is a priority.

Bonne Maman

May 13, 2015 - 7:27pm

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I know all about feeling paralysed by fear, and feeling sad and resentful that this happened to me! I had success with the WW approach before, and am just getting back on my feet after a setback. I hope you can find improvement with this work! We need to have compassion for ourselves. This is such a hard journey.

everhopeful

May 14, 2015 - 2:00am

I totally agree with what u say about natural healthy food. The book I read and recommended was about healthy lifestyle and no junk food . I do not see it as a diet book but it has lots of healthy substitutes for rubbish food and introduced me to coconut oil which is wonderful,natural,healthy and versatile. It is worth reading as much as possible to find new info,that is how I arrived here!

Aging gracefully

May 14, 2015 - 6:56am

There are a lot of books out there that are well worth reading on a healthy lifestyle, and I have read many. I would suggest to anyone to read a variety of them and not get too caught up in one type of eating style. Everyone is on the paleo craze right now. I have done similar eating plans such as this for years and was left wanting and unsatisfied.
Finding what is right for you doesn't mean that is right for everyone else. The most important thing here is listening to ones's own body, educating yourself about healthy food is just part of it. We are all different in what we feel as healthy for us.

I actually started feeling my best when I just listened to my own body, eliminating and adding what it needed, until I started to feel a better whole new me, just like I have with Whole Woman. We all seem to have our differences in how we go about our daily routines, each in our own way, but with the same wonderful results in the end.

InvertedYogiMama

May 14, 2015 - 10:38am

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It's amazing how not being alone in this helps. I actually have been eating clean 90% of the time for the last three years. Before I got pregnant this last time I was only 20 lbs over my goal weight and very active, but I put on a lot with my baby girl and haven't been able to shed it since my activity level is almost zero. Breastfeeding also makes my body cling to every pound, and the real weight loss happens after I stop, ironically. ;) I've been through all the phases of thinking diet trends work, or the latest gimmick, but I know now that movement and healthy food is the only way.

It's funny, growing up I had the best posture. It basically was whole woman posture, and I got asked if I was a ballet dancer all. The. Time. because of how I carried myself. At the end of high school I had a series of traumatic life events, and then even more three years after I graduated. My confidence and my shoulders slumped down and my posture became that of one trying to conceal and protect my heart. Then I got "tired" and great posture was too exhausting to hold, so I became lazy, except for the excessive workouts. It's funny how one can be in shape, but still have poor posture! Now I have been doing the posture and I can tell the difference within an hour of caving in my shoulders and being lazy about it. Now I fight the breast feeding shoulder slump daily! Lol I find that the more heart opening yoga poses I do, the easier it all is. Today is actually a pretty good day too! It's not falling out, yet, and I'm going to take my littlest to Target and do some shopping. It's actually staying up inside, which makes me so happy. If it would just stay inside, I'd be happy for the rest of my life.

My WW package is set to arrive today, and I'm excited to dive into it all and see what I can learn. Question: do you have any tricks for sneezing? I've wondered if pulling up into WW posture would be better? Maybe with a mini chair squat? Sitting is the only safe way to sneeze for me, because even crossing my legs when standing makes it fall. I kegel when I sneeze, is that bad?

I forgot to mention that I had a too tight pelvic floor before my last baby was born, and it was also "very strong" with kegels so strong that my midwife was shocked and said I was one of the strongest kegelers she had ever felt. Then when my baby girl was born, my pelvic floor didn't have enough chance to relax and stretch because she came so fast, hence the blowout of my muscles. Internally I've been told the posterior half of my pf is tight, but the front half and right front side is weak and has a knot in the muscle. Why are women so complex? Sheesh! :)

InvertedYogiMama

May 14, 2015 - 1:50pm

I'll try that! Thanks! No worries, I'm pretty blunt usually so it's hard to rub me the wrong way. :) I have read that post of Christine's and totally agree! I quit going to the first PT because she had me do kegels and couldn't understand that they were making me worse! I completely agree about how my core based yoga could be what pushed me to have this cytocele so severely! 20 min in the beginning of each class doing various core moves to "warm up". I'll never do those again! I have told a few of my teachers, and two of them actually agree that tucking tailbone is a horrible cue, and that core work should happen naturally from other movements. I made it through an hour of shopping at target, and then only had minimal feeling of things starting to fall. Each time I felt it slipping I stopped, evaluated my current posture (which what do ya know, was horrible!) and straightened up. I hope that I can help my own daughter to know the benefits of posture and all the things to be wary of when she grows up. Off to pick up my middle son from preschool!