Feeling Empowered

Submitted by Ponder on June 5, 2015 - 4:15pm
Body: 

I am so thankful I found this website this week! I am 51 years old and my youngest of three children is 16 now. Although I now realize that there are many contributing factors to "pop" I feel very strongly that trauma during my son's delivery is the main cause of my rectocele and enterocele. The doctor performed an emergency forceps delivery with episiotomy because he thought the cord was around my son's neck. Thankfully, my son was just fine. I was told at the time that I had a 4th degree tear and that it would take a while to sew me up. Then the doctor made a joke to my husband saying "I'll put a few extra stitches in for you!" This was so inappropriate, I just couldn't even deal with it given all that had happened so fast and I just wanted to hold my new baby.

No doctor ever mentioned any possible issues from the tear. My follow-up appointment went fine and I was told that everything looks good. I was in a good deal of pain but that was to be expected after such a deep tear. I was a busy mother of three nursing a newborn and didn't have time to think about anything other than all that goes with that busy life. Once all the swelling was gone, I had stopped the sitz baths and the pain had subsided, I knew for certain that the doctor had sewed me up wrong as everything was a little in the wrong place. I thought there was a flap of scar tissue where the tear was and it bulged just a little. Life went on and I accepted my new body.

Over the years, at my annual Gyn appointments, I might mention this but they always said everything looked fine. About 5 or 6 years ago, I noticed that the bulge was larger and it stuck out a little when I was washing in the shower. I had been having issues with clotting during my period and thought maybe this bulge was in the way. I mentioned this to my Gyn and she offered to put me back on the pill for heavy bleeding. Two years ago, when I went for my annual, I was committed to getting her to understand. I told her again about the clotting, the newer frequent urge to urinate and the bulge that I could feel. She responded in a huffy way that she had just performed a full pelvic examination and that she didn't see anything. She offered me pills for overactive bladder but said they would cause dry mouth and dry vagina. I felt so humiliated and invalidated.

In March I had a nasty bout of Bronchitis and it felt like I coughed for month. That bulge began to pop out whenever I coughed and I had to wear a panty liner because I was leaking each time I coughed too. My BM completely changed too. I am a once a day regular morning constitutional, no issues gal. Suddenly it is rabbit pellets and sitting on the toilet for what seems like hours and I have to go 4 or 5 times a day. In April, I had to get a new primary care provider and I made a list of all the issues I wanted to discuss with her. She sat down with me and listened and made plans of action to address each of my concerns. She ordered appropriate tests for my age and referred me to a new GYN. I felt heard for the very first time. I told the GYN that my previous doctor would not listen to me and asked that she please examine me standing up. She said she might need to do that but thought she could do it with me laying down in stirrups. She diagnosed rectocele and enterocele and seemed upset as she explained that I would need to have surgery but that I should know that I would have to have the surgery again as I age and go through menopause.

I usually take things on the chin and move straight into "deal with it" mode. But I left this appointment completely devastated and wanting to cry. I felt so powerless! The idea of being cut apart and sewed back together just overwhelmed me with sadness. All I could think of is that doctor saying that he would put in a few extra stitches for my husband! I was angry that all these years no doctor has ever told me what was going on down there or had any interest in following up with what I was telling them. If this is so common, why have I never heard of this FROM MY DOCTOR? I avoided making the next doctors appointments for weeks, I Googled and read about how much worse this can get, I saw pictures of what will happen if I don't take care of this. I went through the 5 stages of grief and ended up with acceptance.

I had my colonoscopy (no issues) and finally went to the urologist on Wednesday. At first he said he didn't understand why I was there to see him. He visibly flinched when I told him about the 4th degree tear. I said "I am here for you to explain to me what is going on with me, I just learned the words rectocele and enterocele a few weeks ago!" I suggested that my doctor probably wanted to rule out any bladder involvement, since I was having difficulty emptying my bladder and dribbling minutes later. He couldn't find anything with me on my back so I suggested I stand up. That examination was not my favorite moment in my life but I wondered why doctors don't insist on a standing examination with women of a certain age, just to be sure that they don't have any POP. Why isn't this something they expect to happen and address much earlier since it is so common? Well, right away, he could feel the bulge and said that I do have a significant enterocele and rectocele. He said my urinating issues are all due to the bulge in the way and should resolve after surgery and if they don't he could put my bladder in a mesh sling. Now I am supposed to see the Urogynecologist / surgeon. I just felt exhausted by the whole idea of surgery.

I left that appointment feeling really defeated and embarrassed by the whole process. While awake in the middle of the night worrying about all this, I typed "why no one talks about rectocele" into Google and I found Whole Woman. I want to thank each woman who has been willing to share in this forum the details of something so personal. I really thought I was the only one feeling the way I feel and going through all this grief. I am so sorry for all of us that we are dealing with this but I am also so grateful that there is a group of strong women who have been willing to question the standard medical response and do the work to take back their own power! Thank you, Christine Kent!

I have ordered the book, first aid DVD and baton and I am looking forward to taking positive steps toward health. I have been trying to stand, walk and sit using this new posture. It feels right but I have to be mindful of relaxing my belly and keeping my shoulders down. Instead of schlumping into a recliner last night, I used a pillow to help me sit up straight with my belly out and it was actually very comfortable. Is it my imagination or do I already feel less full "down there?" I am also having a much easier time using the bathroom now that I am sitting on the edge of the seat in the posture.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Forum:

Aging gracefully

June 5, 2015 - 5:00pm

Beautiful, inspiring story, Ponder! How lucky that you found Whole Woman just in the nick of time. I say lucky, but you had an intuition that you listened to, more importantly. Taking control of your own body and doing this work will only continue to bolster your drive and confidence.
I just want to say hello and welcome to this wonderful journey!

ActiveandLapsed

June 5, 2015 - 5:06pm

I have tears in my eyes with what you have been through and it brings back stuff about my own story.

You will get help here and will be ok, I can feel it. It's obvious you will do this work and see the hope in women's words on here.

Go you on demanding they listen to you. If you can talk with Christine or a practitioner it might just cement all the opportunities for a great life WW can give you and keep you well away from any PT or gyno or knife.

WW has changed my life and like so many others I call Christine my angle. She is lovely in a consultation but also direct and empowering and very easy to talk to.

On and it's not your imagination you can feel better in WW posture from the moment you do it although it takes the body time to change and restore wrong posture and improve strength. It took me a year to get the posture right but we are all different. It's great you have your uterus so you have the hub to work with and pull things forward.

Best wishes and welcome to WW
A&L
37 years
1 forceps birth and stitches

Ponder

June 5, 2015 - 6:07pm

Thank you, Aging Gracefully. I am so glad to be here!

Ponder

June 5, 2015 - 6:10pm

I need all the encouragement I can get to stay out of the pity party zone. This group is awesome!

Desert Rose

June 5, 2015 - 9:27pm

I'm so grateful that you found WW. I also found it by googling prior to an intention to seek medical help. I shudder to think what might have happened had I not. I'm glad you're here.

I highly recommend getting a consult with Christine. I've had a half hour on the phone as well as an in-person at her place in Albuquerque. She really put me at ease and greatly helped me understand some of the finer points of posture.

Blessings as you journey.

Surviving60

June 6, 2015 - 4:56am

I just wanted to add my words of welcome. I see you have taken the long, hard road that ends in the surprising discovery that the medical establishment has nothing good to offer prolapsed women. Better to find this out in the nick of time, then after it's too late. This work will teach you to love and respect your body again, and lose the fear that we can all so easily get mired in, thinking our organs are going their own way! The concepts are simple enough but the execution is another thing! Some of us had correct, healthy lumbar curvature totally trained out of us from an early age. I can well believe that you are feeling a difference early on, and then of course you will have days that feel like setbacks. It takes time. Welcome to our community....we are the lucky ones to have found Christine's work. - Surviving

everhopeful

June 6, 2015 - 3:47pm

I am so glad for you that Wholewoman came up on Google, and I truly hope u find as much help,support and state of the art info here as I have. I so agree with you regarding doctors detached and unrealistic attitudes and also with the daft way they examine women whilst they r flat on their backs! I think u did well to get the doctor to do an exam whilst u were standing,mine would not! i am 65 and have been using wholewoman posture for over a year. I have gone from lonely despair to ecstatic thankfullness for all the help here which has kept me whole and happy. Today I carried all the wood for a huge shed up the garden whilst in posture and I had virtually no symptoms of my stage3cystocile . It is amazing the first day u realise u actually forgot u had prolapse and I hope u experience that feeling soon. u r in the right place and the posture does work but takes loads of practice and adjustment to clothes . Welcome to this great community :)

Ponder

June 7, 2015 - 1:49pm

Thank you for welcoming me and sharing your stories! I understand the two steps forward one step back progress I have read about here. I was feeling so much better just after a few days of practicing this new posture and trying to breath correctly until I sneezed and could feel that I had lost some of the progress I had gained. Is there a position/posture or focus that can help when needing to sneeze, cough, blow your nose or other action that suddenly causes one to bear down? It's crazy how this makes you think differently about every little thing you do!

Aging gracefully

June 7, 2015 - 2:14pm

Hi ponder,
Ya, the sneeze can be a conundrum, but once you have been doing this work for awhile, it doesn't seem to be as much of an issue, because the tools we use get us right back to square one in short order. In the meantime, you may want to sit in strong whole woman posture really accentuating the lumbar curvature when a sneeze come on. Some ladies even suggest to bend over, hinge hipped of course, letting your pelvic organs really settle into the lower belly when a sneeze comes on.
If you can't get into a comfortable position for sneezing and it just happens, you can always do a good round of jiggling and fire-breathing afterwards. That is pretty much my default for everything, besides the posture, of course!!

ActiveandLapsed

June 7, 2015 - 6:24pm

I try to bend forward, hinging at the hips, relaxed belly and imagine the sneeze going into my lower belly. I do the same for coughing and sometimes blowing my noise. If I am out I just try to do something similar but perhaps a bit less obvious. I agree with AG over time it's gets a bit easier to manage this, although I dread the day I catch a coughing bug. WW work keeps us all pretty healthy I think.

Aussie Soul Sister

June 9, 2015 - 6:02am

Dear Ponder and welcome to your Whole Woman journey.

I had forceps with my first, which I believe contributed to my rectocele.

I am sorry you had such a rough time with the added appalling behaviour of the doctor...

Your question regarding sneezing was one of my early ones, as I have a very big sneeze and often do many in a session.
I have found that for me sitting in the posture is by far the best place/ position for me to sneeze, so that the intra -abdominal pressure from each sneeze is directed to the front of my belly.

If I am caught by a sneeze, while standing I hinge at the hips, leaning forward and relax my belly until I can sit for the rest of them....

Great point Aging gracefully about the use of WW tools of fire breathing and jiggling, to help after the surprise or awkward situation sneezes!

All the best,
Aussie Soul Sister

UPDATE
P.S. While having a sneezing session tonight, I observed that now I can stand (in WWP)with my abdominal wall strong enough to direct my sneezes into it.
I have spent quite a few months doing the DVDs almost daily and so I can do this with no adverse effect on my abdominal wall.
Before I probably wouldn't have tried "directing" the pressure of a sneeze, and would have endeavored to sit, which I now do anyway, for the majority of the sneezes, but I know that my standing position works for me.
I haven't been able to get the hinging from the hips correct and feel some of the pressure of the sneeze go to the nether regions, so any pointers from anyone here so that I can get it right would be much appreciated as I would like 3 tools up my sleeve so to speak, as I am a forceful sneezer and there are often many in a session!

A. S. Sister

Ponder

June 17, 2015 - 7:43am

I did it! I cleaned out my closet and donated all the clothes that will not allow me to relax my abdomen! I never realized how much I tense my stomach, suck it in and sit on my tailbone trying to remain comfortable when my waistband is cinching my waist. Trying to sit correctly was impossible in almost all my pants, jeans and shorts. As much as I would love to live in my comfy yoga pants, I needed some items that were appropriate for going out and about.

Before realizing I had POP and finding this group, my Dr. wanted me to loose 20 lbs and I had been losing about a pound a week on a yummy whole food balanced diet. I was so excited about fitting in old jeans and thought about all the cute outfits I could pull off with my new thinner body I was working on. I was in the gym daily and feeling pretty terrific, well except for all the bothersome voiding issues and leaks.

At first, I was disappointed when I realized skinny jeans are not going to be ok for me. I wondered if, at 51, I would have to resort to maternity pants so that I could relax; not that there is anything wrong with that... I am not a fashionista, I don't enjoy shopping and I felt overwhelmed by needing to do such a huge overhaul on my wardrobe.

I got on line and looked at a half a zillion websites, I began looking at full figured woman who look great, I thought about how I need to move during my days, then I enlisted my 24 yr daughter to advise me on a shopping trip.

I have always dressed in a way to "fit in" and kept things pretty traditional. I love jeans! I already knew I was going to let go and relax my thinking as much as I am relaxing my tummy. I left the house in a maxi sun dress and didn't wear a bra!!! I can't tell the you the last time I left my house without a bra but you know what? Any bra at all really makes me uncomfortable because of a significant hiatal hernia. (The posture is lessening the issues with that too.)

I tried on so many things that I never would have. I threw out all convention and looked for comfort first. I ended up with "hippy boho" as my daughter calls it (free fit is the way to go) but also some really fun short dresses I will wear over leggings. After a few days, hitting TJMaxx, Ross, etc. I am happy to say that I found a nice selection of stretchy bottoms, great tunics, roomy skirts and flowy dresses. I sat down in each and every item I tried on and if it was binding in any way, it went to the reject pile.

Not only will I be more comfortable but I feel great in my new look. It is really less about style and more about how I feel about my body. It's difficult to explain but I feel more confident and powerful in clothes that accommodate my body instead of me trying to accommodate my clothes. I always thought I was comfortable but now I really am comfortable in my skin.

I have a feeling this change will be one of many that will bring more blessings and freedom.

ActiveandLapsed

June 17, 2015 - 3:36am

Hi Ponder
I had a similar experience too you with clothes and also really enjoy clothes shopping now. Before I didn't as always wanted to be a few pounds lighter but now I just buy great tunic tops and wear leggins. There is so much choice.

I also sit down in the changing room and test out the waist bands.

I really resonated with your statement:
" It's difficult to explain but I feel more confident and powerful in clothes that accommodate my body instead of me trying to accommodate my clothes. I always thought I was comfortable but now I really am comfortable in my skin."

Aging gracefully

June 17, 2015 - 6:25am

I second what A&L says! A wonderful awakening for you, ponder. First accepting and then learning to love our bodies is all part of this journey.

Aussie Soul Sister

June 17, 2015 - 5:05pm

Dear Ponder,
A lovely story,
Thankyou for sharing.
A wonderful transformation embracing the freedom our bodies and souls need from the shackles of restriction...
I am still working on style, &
ditching the hairdye is slowly revealing the natural colour I have to help with this transition.

Aussie Soul Sister

Aging gracefully

June 17, 2015 - 5:34pm

So you are ditching the dye, Aussie? I can tell you, from my experience it feels strange at first. I also found that keeping it styled nicely gets me through when I feel like coloring again, and my hubby is always complimenting it. The only time I feel a little strange about it is when I am with my mom and her hubby. They both still dye their hair!
Just want to add to those who still dye, no offense. To each her own and what makes you feel the most comfortable.

Aussie Soul Sister

June 18, 2015 - 8:22pm

Dear Aging Gracefully,
Yes, that in itself has been and is a journey.
It is just so accepted here, to dye.

My "white blonde" started in my 20s.

I caved in, in my 30s, and mostly had unsatisfactory results, and wasn't fooling anyone, with confidence in a box of dye.... the shame feeling is so weird now, with hindsight....

My skin in general became more sensitive...

I was going to wait for my DH, but he shows no signs of transitioning any time soon.

Apart from the allergies, which were becoming really scary, & other possible side effects, & emotional/image effects, ... I am just as much rebelling.

"Seeing it from the "other side" is interesting...I am learning not to take myself so seriously as well and if I get/hear any comments I will take people where they are at and not personally... some common beliefs are actually amusing to me now...

People are just unaware if they aren't in my shoes, and it is like any paradigm shift, some do some don't and others have no need or wish and that is fine...

As with WW, I am observing the benefits of not dyeing, physically, emotionally, and my soul...

I've gone low poo also, and am amazed at the chemicals I observe in so many products....

My hair feels baby soft and light. Allergies very much improved...
My face and skin -tone and features look stronger and more present and complementing my change...
One daily reminder to be the way I need to be....myself... & why was there any shame in that before?

All the best to everyone in their various journeys,
Aussie Soul Sister

ActiveandLapsed

June 18, 2015 - 11:30pm

That is very interesting on the impact on your allergies with your hair dye Aussie.

I don't dye my hair but when the time comes I will certainly be taking the lead of you ladies and saying no. We have enough allergies and issues in our house.

Aging gracefully

June 19, 2015 - 6:57am

I didn't have allergies from hair dye, but I did notice the ladies in my family started having early thinning hair from over perming and over coloring. And the added fact that more chemicals are just bad for you. I colored my hair from the age 28 to 50, saw other ladies letting it go gray early, and thought, I am going to do that!
My hair is thick, curly, and soft now, and no thinning. I like it.