New and struggling :(

Submitted by sparklestar on August 7, 2015 - 4:51am
Body: 

Hello everyone

I am 42 years old, live in the UK and had my son 5 years ago and it was a forceps birth with episitomy. 

After having symptoms for a couple of weeks, 7 weeks ago I was diagnosed with a grade 1 cystocele by a urogyny. I was referred to a physio who gave me a pelvic floor exercise programme. After 1 week of doing pelvic floors I felt that they might be making things worse but stuck with it for another couple of days until I wore 4.5 inch heels (before I knew not to…) to a prize day for my niece and my prolapse dropped right down that evening and was felt terrible.

My physio said it was wearing the heels that had made me worse not the PF's and to rest up for a few days. After 2 days on the sofa my symptoms went back to ‘normal’ (i.e not noticeable a lot of the time) and so I started the pelvic floors again until a week later my prolapse got worse and dropped down to the point that I could see it for the first time so I stopped the pelvic floors…..and assumed that it was now a grade 2.

I then saw a women’s health practitioner who said I have classic pelvic floor dysfunctional. She told me to do reverse kegels to release my PF – however after 3 days of doing reverse kegels my prolapse once again felt even worse so stopped them and had another couple of days on the sofa to get things back to ‘normal’

The last couple of weeks it has been pretty much ok, it sometimes feels worse at times than others but on the whole, not too bad. I had a relaxing weekend last week with my family and on Monday I went to meet my aunt for lunch and decided after weeks of flat shoes that I would wear a low pair of heels (1.5 inch) – however I only wore them for 5-10 minutes and then decided that I didn’t feel comfortable and took them off. Monday night I was fine and Tuesday it was a bit more niggly but that is normal sometimes.

Wednesday afternoon I suddenly felt the prolapse come down and feel a lot worse – really uncomfortable. I got home and looked in mirror and nothing looked worse but it still felt terrible. I started to wonder if the low heels might be the reason and I was distraught that I had caused this myself. I spoke to a friend who has a prolapse and she categorically told me that the shoes would NOT have caused this (especially 2 days after I wore them) and its more likely due to fact that I am due on my period. She also pointed out that I walk down a hill every night from work which is no different to wearing a low heel on a flat surface and I really need to stop blaming myself.

I have not been able to rest up as I normally would to get things back on track and things are still pretty awful and I cannot stop crying. I know logically that wearing a low heel for 5-10 mins wouldn’t have done this but I am torturing myself for being so stupid. I am also having a lot more air bubbles in my vagina since Wednesday that I can pop by sitting on a hard surface a lot of the time but my prolapse feels lower and more uncomfortable than ever.

My POP looks like a smooth pink marble that varies between almost not visible to being able to see most of it when lying down. When standing, it sits just inside my inner vaginal entrance but doesn’t protrude in any way.

I was mentally struggling before this to adjust to having a POP and now its even worse and I don’t know what to do as I can't do any type of PF exercise so I guess posture is my only weapon?

I would really value you reassuring me that I haven't made things permanently worse by wearing the low heels and that it would have happened anyway or it’s more likely to be my period causing it to feel worse.

I go on holiday to Corfu for 2 weeks on Monday and am hoping that being horizontal for 2 weeks will help me get things back to how they were.

I feel bereft, lost and hopeless.

Many thanks for listening
x

Forum:

Snapcracklepop

August 7, 2015 - 7:44am

A hug for you sparklestar...you're in the right place :-)

I would say that first off, you need to make a mental shift. Pelvic organ prolapse is something that is usually years in the making, no one event is responsible and the thought process that somehow you are to blame is something you need to drop, immediately. Like the rest of us here, you've got this!

You make it sound like posture is your only hope. Switch that thinking to posture is your best hope, you're ultimate secret weapon really! We here wish it weren't such a secret, but it is most definitely our saving grace.

Also, you mention that you plan on being horizontal as much as you can. Not going to help. As often as you can, you need to be vertical, keeping your belly relaxed and practicing Whole Woman posture. Your breathing in the correct posture is what helps pin your pelvic organs forward into your lower belly, improving your symptoms.

Please explore this site as much as you can. Here are a couple of links to get you started. Remember, you've got this!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RvGROzIYN6w

And

https://wholewoman.com/new pages/video/ww101.html

Snapcracklepop

sparklestar

August 7, 2015 - 8:18am

Hi Snap

I don't blame myself for having the prolapse but I guess my sadness today is that I was managing ok the last couple of weeks and symptoms were mild and then I did something that I didn't think would matter (wearing low heels for a short period) and 2 days later and things are worse than ever. Do you think the heels caused that I guess is what I'm asking.

I know it doesn't change anything but at least if things have gotten worse through nothing that I've done wrong, I can kind of live with that better if you know what I mean?

I will order the starter pack when I get back from holiday.

I do know that surgery would be an absolute last resort for me too.

It just feels like I've been in hell the past 18 months as I got a chronic biofilm bladder infection back in Dec 2013 and have been on high dose, long term antibiotics for last 15 months which were finally starting to reduce symptoms a few months ago and I thought I might finally be getting my life back on track after a really horrible time.

Then the first week of June I felt like something was hanging down inside of me and got diagnosed with this.....just feels like life is so damn hard right now and I am hopefully coming to the end of one long battle only to fight another one with no clear treatment plan.

At least with the infection, I knew it would eventually go but this POP is just so unknown and my head is swimming from the doom and gloom online. I feel literally as if my life has no meaning and hope and my 5 year old son and my husband are the only things keeping me going right now.

I feel as if I used all my strength in keeping going throughout the bladder infection and now to have another even worse problem just feels so cruel.

I have read up on the WW posture and am trying to sit and walk in as much as possible the last couple of days but find it hard (as I'm sure a lot of women do) to adjust to and obviously not sure that I am doing it completely right.

Sorry but really struggling right now and POP feels the worst it ever has and is not easing at all.

Snapcracklepop

August 7, 2015 - 9:37am

sparklestar,

I'm hearing how hard this is for you right now. Struggling with POP on top of another health issue. Sounds like you're just feeling overwhelmed and wanting hope. The Whole Woman journey is a marathon and not a sprint...as you do this work, at the pace that suits you, I think you will feel empowered and that will help give you hope. Remember, there is no rush to get the posture "perfect", especially during this time of overwhelm.

I'm running out of time, but I wanted to share that my prolapse came on during perimenopause and after a lengthy course of strong antibiotic therapy. I think that the bowel issues that I experienced at that time could have contributed to the timing of my prolapse. That said, so many different things have contributed to my prolapse so I don't focus on any one variable.

With respect to the heels, they are just one variable that you can study. There is no cure for prolapse, but we are constantly managing our symptoms. As I view it, if the heels exacerbate your symptoms, ditch them for now. I really don't think they are making things worse, though you may want to wait to wear them once you've got the posture down better so you'll feel more comfortable.

Having prolapse come on can really shake our confidence, but the Whole Women work helps build this confidence back up as well as help us manage our symptoms. I experience it as an empowering "treatment plan". I'm glad to hear that you're planning to get a starter pack.

Hang in there sparklestar. It's a hard time right now and you're just starting your journey. Enjoy your holiday!

Snapcracklepop

Surviving60

August 7, 2015 - 10:41am

Hi sparklestar and welcome. Excellent words of advice from Snapcracklepop and I also want to make sure you know how counter-productive all those kegels are. If you think they are making things worse, well, they are. And really now, what the heck is a reverse kegel? Go over to the home page and put Kegels into the search box on the right-hand side. This will bring up several of Christine's blog articles explaining why kegels are all wrong for prolapse. I can personally vouch for that!!

What you have sounds like very normal and relatively mild cystocele, very common, and I understand that this is a big adjustment and shock for you. But unless you are extremely hormonal at the moment, I think that crying all the time and feeling that your life has no meaning and hope, might indicate that you have some depression going on there, which is outside the scope of this forum. We can give you help and support with this wonderful and life-changing work. But those kinds of statements seem like a possible cry for help that requires other types of attention to be paid. What do you think? - Surviving

Aging gracefully

August 7, 2015 - 11:19am

There is much talk about high heels on here, this is one thread that is interesting:

https://wholewoman.com/forum/node/3385

Put high heels or shoes in the search box for more threads.

sparklestar

August 7, 2015 - 11:24am

Thanks Snap and Surviving

Snap - thank you for your comments regarding the heels. I am still kicking myself as I have been wearing flats ever since my symptoms started on 3 June. I wore high heels once on 28th June for the day and worsened immediately and it took 2 days of lying down and resting to get back to 'normal symptoms'.

The only other time I have worn heels is on Monday and they were a 1.5 inch low heel but I just didn't feel comfortable so ditched them after 10 minutes. Apart from those two instances I am always in flats or barefoot as I find it more comfortable.

I also think if the heels had caused my prolapse to worsen, it would have been immediately not 2 days later from previous experience. However I cannot beat myself up about it anymore and will not risk any type of heel again.

Surviving - yes, I do realise about kegels and my instinct was to stop after the first week but I didn't know any better or that I had a dysfunctional pelvic floor and I wanted to believe that my physio was right but in retrospect I should have gone with my instincts.

I was recommended the womens health physio and she was fab as she found the PFD but the reverse kegels to release the PF (just squeezing your anal area gently (30%) for a count of 3) I felt were making things worse after 2-3 days so I stopped and told her that I didn't want to continue with her as any type of PF exercise was detrimental to my POP.

So over the last 2 weeks, my POP was at a level where it was manageable and some days barely noticeable and I thought if I can just keep it here but obviously its deteriorated massively since Wed and it could be attributable to my period as well I guess but ultimately I am never going to know definitively what has worsened it.

All I know is that it is worse and whereas before it has gone back to normal symptoms with a couple of days of rest, I haven't been able to do that this week so going to rest up as much as poss over the weekend and then try to completely relax on hols next week.

I don't think that I am depressed but with being due on my period, I could well be hormonal. :)

I feel as if after 18 months of fighting a bladder infection, I have a new war and it terrifies me and to be blunt, I just haven't really come to terms with it yet and have the 'why me' 'how did this happen' going around my mind a lot.

My bladder doctor is amazing and I trust him completely and he has told me to forget the prolapse whilst he heals my bladder but at the moment although my bladder has also taken a downturn this week, I feel the infection a lot easier to deal with than when the prolapse is bad.

The POP is completely stressing me out and my husband and family have been so supportive but ultimately I am on my own with this and I need to figure out a way to 1) accept that this has happened and 2) find a way forward to manage my symptoms.

I know that there is no magic cure but if I could get to a place where my symptoms are not noticeable most days then that would be great and from what I have read on here - that seems completely possible.

I am not sure that I am adopting the right WW posture but will wait until I have the starter pack and if I am still unsure then I will make an appt to see the UK practitioner which I think is totally sensible if I want to do this properly.

Thank you for your support - really means the world to find people who understand the massive grieving process I am going through right now and also that there is reason to be hopeful of not feeling this discomfort forever.
x

sparklestar

August 7, 2015 - 11:26am

I had read that earlier and found it interesting x

Aging gracefully

August 7, 2015 - 11:45am

It is a process that is well worth spent, Sparklestar, and a cystocele is very manageable with this work. Just take this one step at a time, order your materials, read everything on this site and watch the available videos to better aquaint yourself with this work. Better understanding of what you are going through and knowing that you can actually do something positive about it can go a long way in getting over the fear of prolapse.
I myself have a profound uterine prolapse, and this work has saved me from any thoughts of surgery or feelings of limitations in my life. I do anything I want to now. Whole woman gave me that confidence!
One step at a time, dear sparkle, one step at a time.

sparklestar

August 7, 2015 - 11:52am

I'm just annoyed with myself because I was so buoyant after last weekend and feeling so well both with bladder infection and POP and then it came crashing down on Wednesday and you think 'what the hell happened there...?'

Holiday has come at the right time and although I am feeling low about things being worse, I have to believe that my POP will get better and this is not forever.
x

sparklestar

August 7, 2015 - 1:46pm

Got home from work and POP still feels worse than it ever has before..

I've been checking it daily this week and hadn't noticed any changes. When things worsened on Wed night, I did notice vaguely that there seemed to be a larger bulge now visible behind the 'marble' but it was gone yesterday morning so I thought nothing of it

Tonight it's unmistakeable and I don't know if I am now seeing my bladder or it's just part of my vaginal canal more visible because my cervix is lower due to starting my period today...

It's my first period since I worsened after reverse kegels (but got back on track after 2 days resting up) so I don't know if my periods now will make my POP symptoms more noticeable...

Feeling bloody fed up with it all I tell you!!

Surviving60

August 7, 2015 - 2:16pm

When you feel like this, you probably think that getting off your feet is the answer. But in the long run, the important work is done when we are on our feet, using posture, belly-breathing and gravity all working together to keep the organs pinned over the pubic bones. This will take time, and you will have to relax and take a long view and not obsess and constantly check. - Surviving

first time mama...

August 7, 2015 - 7:33pm

Hi I'm 43 now and have been dealing with issue since my baby's birth last August. I've definitely learned that the position of my innards is always in flux and if i feel worse one hour I can feel better the next. So don't worry about what you may or may not have done with shoes. The more I focus on doing the WW work, the better I feel, and i only started here less than a month ago. My highs are getting higher and my lows are getting higher too. Rest assured that you have a lot of control over this. Today was a good day for me because, even though I could feel the little bit of pressure, it didn't overwhelm me. I was able to move a twin mattress and vacuum and go on a walk and it's the end of the day and I'm not feeling too bad. It can definitely be "livable." Please keep us posted!

first time mama...

August 7, 2015 - 8:57pm

And I do feel worse during my period and even the day or two before. I

sparklestar

August 8, 2015 - 1:16am

Thank you for your support and wise words.

I am used to my POP symptoms fluctuating but it's never been this bad for this long before and I cannot really fathom why but am hopeful that it is my period.

Usually I am aware of my symptoms for probably 70% of the time but they are mild and only bothersome around 20%.

Since Wed I am aware 100% of the time and it's bothering me 100% too - it just feels different, it's really feels as if I have something sitting in my vaginal entrance and I rarely have felt that before (only after kegels, day of high heels etc) and it's gone again with rest but this isn't and it just feels a different sensation which I guess is why I'm so worried that this is permanent and won't get any better.

I still have a long way to go with accepting this so thank you for being so kind.

I am going to try to focus on my holiday on Monday and 2 weeks with my supportive family (including my mum) and completely relaxing. I need a couple of weeks of not thinking about this all the time and rest has so far worked well to improve POP symptoms probably by relaxing my PF x

sparklestar

August 8, 2015 - 2:24am

This morning my marble is almost invisible and no bulge showing behind it but by sitting up slowly with mirror I have seen that it's the tissue on the bottom of my vagina that is causing the bulge feeling in my vaginal entrance.

It's completely flat lying down and unnoticeable but as I sit up, it comes forward and I think that is what I'm feeling.

Not sure if it's always been like like as I've always focused on the top of my vagina and the marble. I did worry that it could be bowel prolapsing but I have no symptoms and both gyny and women's health physio said that my uterus and vowel were very well supported.

Husband is wringing his hands with it all and just tells me to stop bloody looking and it is what it is!

Sorry for being such an energy vampire but I am worrying myself as to what on earth has happened to my manageable prolapse?? :(

first time mama...

August 8, 2015 - 3:05am

We seem similar. I seem to have those marbles (as you put it) coming from the front and the back. One day one of them is worse and one day the other is. I can tell somewhat which one by subtle differences in the feelings. I'm forcing myself to stop the mirror checking now that I stopped the madness of constantly feeling around in there w my finger. I suggest forcing yourself to stop w the mirror. Your husband is right about that part. Mine is very supportive but it's impossible for them to fully "get" what we go through. I love knowing that the ladies here understand 100%.

Surviving60

August 8, 2015 - 3:27am

I personally believe that this is just too much information for some guys, even the most supportive, so I agree let's just deal with this and try not to make our families crazy too!

The combination of cystocele and rectocele is the most common form of prolapse. Christine calls it "nature's pessary" because these bulges in the vaginal wall help to keep the uterus from falling too far down and back.

Once you start this work you will be noticing that the organs are always on the move, and you will learn what makes your symptoms better and what makes them worse. Certainly your menstrual cycle has an effect, but so does everything that you do throughout the day.

Sparklestar I hope you can get past the "checking" stage, and into the real work of prolapse management, because it is completely empowering. As opposed to what you are doing right now, which is only feeding your fear and frustrating you. - Surviving

sparklestar

August 8, 2015 - 8:46am

Looking!

Just frustrating when 3 weeks ago I was told bowel and uterus were well supported and no concerns...! I think the fear part is right, it feels slightly different and I can feel something moving forward when I bend forward which I haven't before..and that is scary!

However, I actually have no real idea at what I am seeing to be honest - it could just be the cystocele worsening but am looking no more because it's counter productive on the whole and I understand that.

I am ordering the starter pack this weekend so it's there for when I get back from hols and I'm seeing a well respected and apparently fab urogyny (his preference is not to slice and dice) on 1st Sept to ascertain exactly what is going on down there so I know what I'm dealing with.

I've tried walking in WW posture today - find it hard to get breathing right (it's opposite of how I normally breathe) but I'm going to stick at it slowly

*Deep breath*

I think I'm going to be ok - I can do this x

Surviving60

August 8, 2015 - 9:11am

Yes, you have discovered an essential truth - chronically sucking in our bellies forces us to reverse natural breathing and to become chest breathers. This is a hard thing to unlearn. At first I didn't realize this, because I didn't seem to have trouble relaxing my belly (when I remembered to!). But I had a lot of trouble with firebreathing at first. I kept reversing that. Practice practice - it becomes the norm after awhile. - Surviving

Desert Rose

August 8, 2015 - 4:03pm

It's normal, I think, to feel helpless and hopeless at first. And the internet is, as you say, a place of doom and gloom. It takes time to adjust to the changes and accept them, and then, take it further and embrace them as teachers. One of the lessons is to be kind to yourself in the process - offer love to you the way you would offer love to someone else. You wouldn't berate your best friend, or even a stranger, for wearing heals. Offer yourself the same grace.

My prolapse is teaching me so much about myself that I went so far as to name her and embrace her as a friend. Not all days are "friend" days. Some days she seems like an enemy who burst upon the scene forcing me to change things I just wasn't ready to deal with. But day by day with practice, I do better and feel better, and I try to accept the "bad" days with grace.

Avoid the doom and gloom pages and stay here, this is a safe haven for the journey.