Newbie-Some VERY LONG thoughts

Submitted by Sunshine and Rain on November 26, 2015 - 12:48am
Body: 

Hello, I am 3 months pp and have been lurking here since discovering my POP at 3.5 wks pp. My Dr. said I have a mild cystocele and rectocele, and did not mention any stages however I believe them to fluctuate between a 1 & 2. I also have a dropped urethral opening, which I suppose is a urethracele however my Dr. didn't mention that. At first, I thought nothing of it since I had just given birth, however my mind eventually jumped to a friend who had recently had a hysterectomy. She had a totally assisted birth with her first, and last child. She suffered in silence with her POP issues (I believe they were bladder related) until she had the surgery a couple of years later at age 33. It was so hush-hush, she stayed by herself in the hospital, no one there to support her. I didn't know about this until after the fact, how I wish I could have been there for her. She went on to mourn the loss of her womb and the children she could have had. She has become a completely different person since the surgery, perhaps life changed her, perhaps it was the loss of her womb, I do not know. But my heart aches deeply for her. It was this story and the fear of a hysterectomy that led me on a frantic road to understanding my POP.

I have lurked here for 2 months now and have done a lot of reflecting on the wonderful posts that I have read. I sense so much anger and fear from us pp moms new to POP. Of course I am angry and afraid, and yes I have blamed everyone under the sun, from my mother to my Dr. to myself. However in the end, I realize there is no blame to be dealt. POP is what it is, no more, no less. I am a mother of two children, and discovered my POP after my second; this birth was amazing in my eyes and I was proud of it. I then went on to blame my POP on this experience therefor lessening it and taking away from its glory. I fear that I have done this for my husband as well; he gleamed from ear-to-ear over how amazing the birth was, until I tainted our memories with my POP related woes (but that is another matter!). Both of my births were straightforward, natural and unmedicated (however I did push on my back-yikes!) so in reality screw it! I can play detective all day but the fact is my POPs are here and they're not going anywhere (for a while anyway!).

The WW philosophy has led me to so much reflection it has indeed changed the way I see the world. I have thought at length about the cycle of life a woman goes through- reminding me of the Triple Goddess. Up until a woman conceives a child, she is the maiden, virginesque in nature. She is sexual, and pristine. She then becomes a mother, and is the life-giver and nurturer. After the childbearing stage, a woman becomes the crone, wise, free and powerful. Reading stories on this forum from women of all walks of life has made me appreciate this folklore. I feel that as a pp woman with POP, I have seen the death of my maiden body. I felt this psychologically with my first, and now physically with my second. However, in my eyes, being a mother is more powerful than being a maiden. But unfortunately, our culture is obsessed with the virgin, making us life-givers without pristine anatomy feel deformed, ugly and broken. I refuse to feel this way and I refuse to think this way. Instead, I have decided to trust mother nature for she hasn't let me down yet. When I sought out the expertise of my Dr., I wanted her to confirm that there was something wrong with me, that I was indeed broken, but she didn't. She said this was to be expected and that it is indeed normal. I know this aggravates some mamas because they sure as s#*t don't feel normal- but it made me feel better because if that was true, then my body didn't fail me after all.

This leads me to wrestle with my symptoms to which there are a few! First, I have low back issues making a lot of the WW exercises painful to me. I haven't been able to do the "new kegel" however I love firebreathing and nauli. I had been considering trying the PT approach until one day I took a mirror to check a baseline, then did some firebreathing and nauli and checked again. My jaw literally dropped and I almost yelped in excitement- my POP had been sucked right up almost out of sight! WTF. Mind blown! So- now a dedicated whole woman, I'd like to chronicle my progress in hopes I see improvement because I do indeed plan on having another child, possibly more-POPs be damned!

Currently, I struggle with an ever-drooping urethral opening. It looks yucky and I fear it is going to stay that way! I can see my cyst and rect go up and down depending on what I do, but my urethra just kind of hangs out (literally), not budging! It is also the bulge that I feel mostly. Is there any hope for my sad urethra? I have searched and searched this site and haven't found many positive stories regarding this issue.

Another illusive issue that I haven't found much on is coccyx pain. Whenever I have a POP flareup my backside hurts really bad! I'm beginning to think this is actually rectum pain disguised as tailbone pain. I fear there may be an internal prolapse there but won't be going in for a probe any time soon! Or maybe its just damage from birth and will heal with time.

And lastly, when people say they're "achy", are they referring to an achy vulva because at 3 months pp my vulva still aches a ton? I hate sitting. What does this ache mean? (as I yell at the sky!)

I realize I just wrote a book so thank you to anyone who has made it this far! I have the first aid DVD and have been working on posture quite a bit. Sometimes to the point where I want to scream because all I really wanna do is hunch and cuddle my babe- waa waa.

Thank you, all of you beautiful women, for being so warm and welcoming to women in need. I have lurked many forums in my day and have never felt comfortable posting until now. You have already changed me.

-Sunshine and Rain

Forum:

Aging gracefully

November 26, 2015 - 6:52am

Hi sunshine and rain,
Lovely heartfelt post. The second wheel yoga DVD and the Restore your goddess belly DVD were made more specifically for the post partum moms out there, although we all can and do reap the benefits from them. Also, Christine's book Saving the Whole Woman is a must have to learn everything your body is going through and practical advice on what to do about it.

I have read many posts from other post partum moms complaining of tailbone and coccyx pain on here, so what you are experiencing really isn't all that abnormal.

And, do remember that it does take up to two years for your body to heal naturally from having a baby.

So take your time and enjoy your journey with whole woman, you won't be sorry for that effort.

Surviving60

November 26, 2015 - 7:52am

Just wanted to add my welcome. Yeah, what you write sounds pretty normal for 3 months. Every baby changes our body and you are so so right about the stages of a woman's life.....so beautifully put.

You have a wonderful opportunity at this stage PP, to make this posture correction while you are healing, and set yourself on a great path to health and wellness that will last forever. I love it when a newbie finds Whole Woman and jumps in 100% (not easy with a newborn!), making her way with so much thought and effort to grasp the concepts and apply them. Because this is really something that each and every one of us has to commit to, and follow through. You have made an amazing start.

New Kegels are just those pelvic rocks that you see in the FAFP DVD. If they don't feel good now, give it some time. There's absolutely nothing to gain by rushing this.

And now you can look at your growing children with different eyes. Observe that lovely wide-radius lumbar curvature and do everything you can to keep them from ever losing that!

Congrats! Cuddle that babe all you can, while you can! The biggest gift of the WW work is that it enables you to let go of the fear of doing things. You don't have to be in perfect posture every minute. You are learning the tools that will enable you to do whatever you need and want to do. - Surviving

Aussie Soul Sister

November 26, 2015 - 4:09pm

sunshine and rain, welcome and what a beautiful post to us all!

I have found with WW that it is a body and soul awakening, and as we learn to listen to both, you will find that they will tell us when ready for the next step (particular exercises for instance).

All the best,

Aussie Soul Sister

first time mama...

November 26, 2015 - 11:27pm

I'm 15 mo PP but I didn't discover WW until 11 mo PP. My greatest improvement has come after the 1 yr mark and I'm still seeing improvements. I too, feel like my urethra is dropped a bit. My cystocele has improved by far the most and my rectocele has improved but I do notice the fluctuations in symptoms w daily bowel habits. Mostly I've noticed a definite pattern to my symptoms w my periods. I feel more symptoms right before and during ovulation and it feels swollen and..achy? I get an intense vulvar period pain day 1 that feels like distended blood vessels. It only lasts 1 day. I don't think it has to do w my prolapse but I never felt that pre baby. These days my symptoms in general are not so much of a pressure feeling as a sensation of pulling or tension. I like to imagine that this is a 'good' feeling to have, in that it's the feeling of my urethra being lifted by the postural support system (in the book it's the tightening of the x-axis..I think that's what it's called). Anyway, things change month to month. I'm hopeful that I'll continue to improve over the next year!

ActiveandLapsed

November 27, 2015 - 2:00am

Hi Sunshine and Rain,
What a lovely post. I agree with so much of what you said re women and the stages. You put it really nicely into words. When I am doing school pickups for my 5 year old I crave wearing jeans again and see all the Mums in them and how they stand and I think many must have POP so how can they wear their pre motherhood clothes and suck and tuck and run off to the gym. (Note to the moderators I know I some of you do jeans but I am not comfortable yet to unzip them or use elastic - also I have not put the time into shopping to find the right pair_. Back to the school yard... then, I pull up into posture and feel strong and comfortable and more than anything I feel empowered to know what I know and grateful that I know what it really is to be female in our original design and not fight my body to look the way society dictates. It really simplifies life so much!!!!

Re the coccyx pain. I have that! It started a few months into WW work about 1.5 years after my second child. I didn't start this work until my mild rectocele got much worse and my uterus dropped and celes developed (of course I regret not searching the web and finding WW earlier but such is the life - I've done my acceptance work on that one). I am off to see a 'natural' orientated chiro this week coming as SafelyHeld said she has a positive experience from the chiro and I have read others who have said the same. I will make sure I am comfortable with any discussions re posture before she adjusts me. I get pain from sitting on anything soft (I try to avoid this but it is not always convenient). I have had the pain for about 9 months now and it has not changed. It is very sore when I get up for a few seconds and sore or inflamed to touch but otherwise is fine. I don't know what causes it. I have heard two other Mums mention it in my local park but I don't know if they had POP. Sometimes I think my tailbone feels crocked but I only check it when lying on my side so I think my bottom just moves and makes it feel off centre.

All the best with your journey, sounds you are off to such an empowered start.

Miss Diagnosed

November 27, 2015 - 6:53am

One of the best things about the ww forum is the blend of positive and supportive voices you find on here and your introductory post shows that you are in the right place and of the right mindset to follow the work with great results!
This is just a quick 'hi' today but I wanted to say I had the tailbone pain until about six months pp and now I only ever get it before I'm unwell (my pelvis and tailbone know before I do that I'm not well) but for ages sitting was uncomfortable every day until one day it wasn't!
I think you will improve loads this year - I've just started doing nauli and firebreathing and wish I'd got the hang of them sooner! My bladder rarely bothers me these days but the rectocele has been annoying me recently with hormonal fluctuations but I'm hoping that will settle again soon and I have many days with very mild barely noticeable symptoms which I could not have said until I was 9/10 months pp.
Walking is my best defence against rectocele symptoms - hope it helps you too!

Sunshine and Rain

December 1, 2015 - 10:23am

I appreciate everything you all have said. I am in what I read to be the 3 month postpartum pits right now and have pretty much every rectocele symptom I've heard of! I am trying really hard to not get down about it and not worry about my rectum falling to the floor. I have ordered the book and hope to find some solace there. I was honestly a little afraid to read it because I already focus so much time and energy on my POP, but have realized it is most definitely not always constructive. I am ready to take the plunge and learn instead of live in fear!

Thank you for the reminder to walk. I honestly haven't done much of that because it just seemed so daunting, but right now I'd do just about anything to feel normal. I found a thread about coccyx pain and am happy that I am not alone, even though I don't wish it on anyone! I really feel like my entire body has changed instantly, with new digestive issues and sensitivities I never had before. It is frightening but I suppose weird things happen when the body isn't in homeostasis. I've got to get back there somehow.

You are all such strong women, thanks again.

-Sunshine and Rain

Aging gracefully

December 1, 2015 - 10:39am

Hi Sunshine and rain,
That's funny how you mention almost being afraid of reading the book, because I also had that initial feeling. It's almost like the feeling of knowing makes it all the more scary prospect. But, what I found instead was that the reading and listening to Christine just empowered me more and gave me the confidence to handle prolapse.
It really does become better and more manageable with this very true and well researched information behind you.
Best wishes to you!

Miss Diagnosed

December 2, 2015 - 5:03am

Hi Sunshine and Rain - I was pretty scared too and I still do have mini freak outs until things settle down again.
And I started my walking regime around three months too and kept with it in a very dedicated daily way until around the nine month mark. I noticed that the rectocele symptoms became much more subtle with the increase in activity levels but around the nine month mark I had to stop my daily walk with my elder daughter being on holiday from nursery and within a couple of weeks I was feeling the effects again.
I am currently quite symptomatic and am not sure as to whether it is hormonal (I fully weaned three weeks ago and my cycle has gone bonkers and I am very weepy) or due to lack of activity (8 weeks of reduced walking with the whole family falling like dominoes with flu and a host of other nasty viral infections) or a combination of the two but I have been having a mini freak out and just have to keep reminding myself that if it is either or both of these things causing me to feel more symptoms then I can do something about one cause (posture and walking) and the other cause will settle in time too as my hormones do. I read that walking stimulates estrogen levels (someone correct me if I am wrong) which may help things too.
I have had months in between of feeling fairly normal in all ways. If I wasn't searching for symptoms on those days, they would be so insignificant as to barely register!
My digestive issues persist but various elimination diets have proven to be inconclusive. Generally speaking I think i am better on low dairy, low sugar, low wheat, minimal processing as most of the women on here seem to be. I went through a bit of a grieving process (why can't I just eat what I want anymore???) for a while until I realised that I was being completely ridiculous. Plenty of people have to monitor what they eat every day and if I am forced to be healthy then all the better.
A daily probiotic and occasional peppermint capsules when I need them are helping me with gurgly stomach issues. Do you get on off bowel urges throughout the day? I do at the moment (hoping to sort this out with more walking like I did the last time) and find them to be worst when I am feeling a bit anxious - for example trying to get the kids out to nursery in the morning. When I am relaxed and happy or distracted the urges don't seem to happen. Go figure.
Thinking of you and empathising xx

Sunshine and Rain

December 3, 2015 - 5:29pm

The stomach issues are so strange to me. I used to be able to eat pretty much anything I wanted with no problems, and now all of the sudden I have stomach pains, gas and bloating all of the time. I just don't get it. I'm trying to reduce some obvious irritants like dairy, however haven't had much self control lately with the POP blues and all. I hope at some point I will have good months instead of just good days like you have had. I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time right now though. It is such an emotional and physical rollercoaster and I have only just begun. I do get the urges on occasion and have really just been ignoring them because they never result in anything anyway. Right now its more of a constant need/want to go to the bathroom but I rarely can. I used to be so modest and now all I can think about is what's going on with my butt! The human body can be such a literal pain, but I suppose spending my time thinking about my butt really simplifies things for me in this crazy world! Anyway, I will look into stomach soothers like peppermint too because it really is bothersome. Let me know if you have any other tips too. Thanks again and best thoughts for you!!

Miss Diagnosed

December 4, 2015 - 11:03am

I used to be that person who could eat whatever I wanted to too. Until pregnancy made me a gassy, acidic bloaty mess! These days I really believe hormones affect my digestion a great deal more than the mechanical issues of POP. Today has been pretty great. I've eaten well but not had to eat so light as to feel hungry and my body has accepted everything without protest. Three weeks ago anything, even half an apple or a glass of water would have caused sloshing guts. My period is due and ironically I feel good. In a week I might be feeling rubbish again.
I know it's hard when you are fed up but at my worst cutting out sugar always helps. At my very worst a low FODMAP diet really helped. Two months ago I had terrible gas, bloating and inflammation. I ate really light and cut snacks for a week and felt instant relief. I know lots of people don't think the low FODMAP diet is good as lots of great nutritious foods are banned but I was desperate to cut the bloating and it helped so much!
I think in a few weeks the awful hormone surge will settle for you and you'll feel much better. Oh, also on the bulges - I reckon the one I felt the most at your stage was Urethracele too. This is all so much better now. ive read a lot on here about one cele improving and the one it was supporting worsening for a while. I often wonder if that's why my rectocele bothers me a bit more these days - my bladder's not there to push it back anymore!

Surviving60

December 4, 2015 - 11:20am

Miss D, I appreciate this post.....We do sometimes get pregnant and PP moms here, who blame their digestive issues on prolapse. They may seem to go hand in hand, especially among moms who have had other babies and think that they should know exactly what to expect with each one. But each baby changes your body, and not just in mechanical ways. As you say, pretty much all of us have to make dietary adjustments and improvements throughout our lives. It's yet another one of those things I wish I'd done decades ago. - Surviving

Sunshine and Rain

December 10, 2015 - 3:02pm

Eating an IBS diet makes a lot of sense. I don't know why I didn't think of that! I've been eating a low FODMAP diet for about 3 days and have had almost zero gas for the last 2 days. I feel so much better! I am going to continue with it in hopes that it is not just a fluke, and then perhaps modify based on foods I can tolerate. Thank you for the recommendation. I hope you are still feeling good!

Miss Diagnosed

December 11, 2015 - 5:05am

Glad it has helped! I've been able to eat pretty much anything this last week with no trouble but think it's useful to have a toolkit of things that will help in my times of need! I'm on cd6 of my first period since fully weaning and it's been heavy but rectocele symptoms have been very mild compared to during the last two cycles so hopefully things are settling again and daily walking without skipping a day is definitely helping too. I'm ever optimistic!!!!