7 weeks after baby,having a hard time.

Submitted by MyBabyHasAHugeNoggin on July 8, 2017 - 11:01pm
Body: 

I'm the proud mama,of a wonderful baby girl.she was 9.7lbs and I delivered vaginally.Unfortunatly I also acquired a third degree tear and a less than wonderful rectocele.
I first noticed something was wrong about 3 weeks postpartum.i noticed things didn't feel quite right,but I attributed it to the stitches and swelling.She's my first baby so I honestly had no idea what healing from a delivery felt like.but I was curious,so I took a hand mirror and investigated,what did I see but a vagina big enough to drive a truck down and what looked like a pink ping pong ball blocking the entrance!i was utterly mortified.
My doctor confirmed that it is a rectocele.she said that it's a first degree rectocele.and I'm very thankful I'm not suffering with some symptoms other ladies are,I have a bulge, it feels like I have a tampon in wrong,and I noticed a lack of sensation during sex,although things look like they have tightened up a lot I'm not sure if it's being caused by hormones from breastfeeding,having a baby somewhat recently.or the rectocele.
The whole situation is causing me so much anxiety.im worried I'm noting to move wrong and everything is just going to drop out.i was cleared to exercise normally. The only extra instruction I was given was to do keegles.but all the other information I've found on my own says that's not right and that some exercises should be avoided because they can worsen prolapse.
And this is hitting my self esteem,hard, on so many levels. I've never been happy with my body.ive always had body image issues.ive stuggled with disordered eating almost my entire life.so gaining weight and getting stretch marks all over my body was hard to accept for me and the huge droopy boobs with huge dark areolas is still driving me nuts.
But I feel like the rectocele has absolutely broken me.Im 28 years old .i feel like I have the body of an old woman now.some days I don't even feel like a woman.my vagina just isn't as it should be.and I don't even know if it's functioning properly.what does that mean for my sex life and my relationship?hubby,says he didn't notice a difference.but I think he was just being kind,I'm worried that our sex life is over I'm worried he won't find me attractive anymore .and on the off chance he is ,sure there are other ways around sex that don't involve a vagina .but I would really like to have an orgasm again some day.and I enjoyed vaginal sex .i don't want to be that worn out lady with the loose vagina...nobody wants to be that lady . And of course I'm worried that someday it will just be easier for him to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction,.im worried it will get worse and I'll loose control of my stools.or that other organs are going to fall down too and join the party.im worried that doing pop safe exercise won't burn enough calories and I'll have a hard time loosing the baby weight,and I'll end up resorting to unhealthy ways of loosing the weight.but I know I can't be doing that because it will effect my milk supply.
I love my little girl to pieces and I'm absolutely thankful for her everyday.its just so many changes at once I'm finding it hard to cope.and I understand some of what's hurting me so badly seems shallow,but for me it's so tied into my sense of self worth loosing control over these things is crippling.
I know people are dealing with prolapse a lot more serious than mine.but I'm just not handling this well at all.i cry every day and I've looked at my vagina more in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life.i loath that bulge.i want it out of my life.i jut want my mind to stop going back to it and enjoy spending time with my baby.but it's like a obsession.
I'm open to advise .i just feel lost.

Forum:

Surviving60

July 9, 2017 - 8:43am

Hi and welcome to WW. There is a common misconception that by the time of the 6-week checkup, everything is supposed to be back to "normal". In reality, your body is healing from birth for up to 2 years, maybe more. I know what you are experiencing seems devastating, but it is all quite common and perfectly normal. So please don't spend this wonderful time with your newborn, staring at your vagina and crying. You and your family deserve better, and you won't ever get this time back. Relax and trust that you are OK.

Our advice to you is the same that we give every new mom. Learn about the WW work and start doing it. I can't tell from your post whether or not you have picked up on the purpose and mission of Whole Woman. If so, keep reading, follow the forum, and think about it (nothing terrible is going to happen to you in the meantime!). If not, you can start by watching this (because the best overview is from Christine herself):

https://wholewoman.com/newpages/video/ww101.html

You will be fine, especially once you get started. It's very empowering. - Surviving

Militarymom1

July 9, 2017 - 12:32pm

I've been a member on this site for a while since I discovered my rectocele in Jan. It's been there since 2015, but it's just this year really affecting me. I have learned a lot, and so will you, so don't lose hope. My prolapse happened 4 years after I had my last baby, so I made some changes and am learning to live with this. First, I can assure you, that sex isn't affected by a rectocele. My husband can't tell...even a little. lol. I went through a couple months where I was literally looking at the rectocele 10-15 times a day in the mirror. I was TERRIFIED that it was going to get worse or something dramatic was happening. The bulge changes day to day and hour to hour sometimes. It's ok. Sometimes I will feel awful and the bulge looks smaller than ever! Then, I feel great and the thing is huge! If you can, stop looking. Start working on your posture, walk, and enjoy this amazing time with your baby. Prolapse is NOT the end of the world, but it does take some time to accept for some of us. I was angry and pissed off for a long time that this happened. I used to run 5 days a week and was really depressed that I was going to start gaining weight and have to stop something I love (endorphins!). I now cycle, and I love it! A great workout and I can maintain good posture. Read as much as you can on this site. The video First Aid for Prolapse really helped me. Things will get better!!!! Sending hope and healing your way.

Proverbs31wife

July 10, 2017 - 2:09pm

Hello!! sex isn't affected by a rectocele and please try to follow militarymom1´s advice, avoid to overthink because that makes everything harder for you

Surviving60

July 10, 2017 - 2:40pm

You have a very similar screen name to one of our regular contributors here, and you have recently joined our forum with no apparent prolapse story to tell. While this is an open forum, it is still subject to some general guidelines, and though you haven't violated them, still there seems to be an element of deliberate confusion going on here. Can you tell us your story? - Surviving