Panic Mechanic...

I am new...I have both a Cystocele & Rectocele grade two diagnosed 12-18-06 after the birth of my last baby 11-3-06.
It is okay the way you are feeling. It is almost word for word how I felt. I told my husband when I was able to even speak (that took a while!) "the next disease I get better be FATAL"
I had nights when I got to sleep by sobbing--not crying--sobbing.
It changes how you feel about yourself. I also had never heard of the condition, so I felt tricked, used and persecuted. I had always been willing to die giving birth while having a baby but it somehow seemed worse and NOT what I agreed to to suffer a female injury for it. Yes it seems silly but I think we make certain bargains with our bodies and ourselves and not knowing about this risk I never was able to agree to it ahead of time and so I felt devasted by the lack of knowledge.
For a while it changed how felt about God. I felt punished.
Once you start seeing that you do have the ability to live with it and that yes, you need to change some things and no, we can't postively say nothing will change--it can get worse, get better...whatever, just living with it because it is what you have been given it in reality does get better emotionally.
In certain ways it has not been all bad. I am no longer the "machine" I thought I was or my husband thought I was. Our relationship is much better and things that needed correcting in it have been corrected by this condition even!
I don't push myself anymore...I look at my day differently even and I think I am spending my time and my attention in better ways already.
I am changing my diet and doing healthier things not just for me but my family.
I have always felt I was a compassionate person but I know now I am 100 times more compassionate.
I know that my daughters, sisters and friends will benefit from my knowledge of this if they choose to. I found out my neighbor has suffered a cystocele alone for many years until I told her about me and so now she and I can relate even better.
I also now I will never again worship at the feet of Drs and take bad advice again!! I know they really are human (I had always thought so but now it is confirmed!!) and can't in most all cases offer me anything but an opinion and that I can find out what I need to by asking questions and trusting my own intuition--I found this place after being told YES you need surgery asap...I am very post-partum...what would I have done if not for this place and the other women living with it and offering real advice--actual experience?!

I can only tell you that it will get better as you accept this--try as we might that is always a big part of anything we go through!! And then as you live with it and notice things that make you feel good, not so good and make your choices along the way.

You are still a woman in ALL senses of the word! You are not less in anyway because of this! You will now feel different but you are not different--you may be better.

Much love to you and your family and much SOLIDARITY!

Dear Miame,

I echo all that Theresa says, I too have been where you are.

I remember valentines day last year, I couldn't bear to even think about it despite my husband trying to make it a special day for me and the girls. I was so very low.

I think prolapse issues strike at the very core of our being as women. I was probably disproportionately devastated about mine, and yet I could do nothing about it except sob for days. There was no rhyme or reason to it. I went daily from vowing to not let it get the better of me, to feeling the worse I ever have, and I felt so very alone around all the other young Mums.

For me, the fact that I never even knew that this was a possibility in someone my age made me feel cheated and angry. It was worse that I had had a lovely gentle delivery of my baby, and truly couldn't undertsand how or why it had happened. (Of course now I know my first awful delivery probably did untold damage).

It does get better as so many contest to here. I feel good now, not the same as before but I am not sure that is such a bad thing really. You will get there too, I promise! x

Dear Miame,

I have had a prolapse for three months now. I am not sure about the grading but it is probably a grade 2 cystocele and a grade 1 rectocele.

I did know about this condition before but I thought that it happened to other people. I also thought that it happened right after the delivery, and I was shocked that I developed it a few weeks later.

At the beginning I was crying a lot, I thought that I will never be a real woman again, cannot be a lover and that I was damaged good for the rest of my life. I thought that I was awfully young to have to have a lifestyle without running, jumping, lifting. If not for my lovely children I would have been downright suicidal.

For the last few weeks it has been getting better, though. I realised that until now I have been abusing my body. I never rested properly, carried the children without any special need, assembled heavy furniture, carried really heavy shopping. And I did all this using a very bad posture. I think now that this prolapse was a wake-up call and that the lifetime changes I have to implement now were really necessary.

It is still very early for me, too. Even though I try to be optimistic sometimes I just break down and cry. I also feel that my family and friends are getting fed up with me talking about my prolapse all the time (although they say they are not). To tell the truth I am also getting a bit tired of thinking about it all the time. But sometimes I realise that I spend a couple of hours thinking about it and that feels good.

And I have a real good feeling about the posture and the tips on this site are really helping (like emptying bladder, etc.). Maybe I will be able to live a normal life again...

Sending you lots of calming vibes and a big hug,
Reka

really. do. take a deep breath and know that although at this moment things might not feel at all okay, they will at some point in the future -- and probably far sooner than you think. really. i can tell you this from first hand experience.

i have only had my rectocele (and cystocele) diagnosed since early december and in that VERY short time, i have experienced some dramatic changes. i'm 43 and just didn't give the notion of prolapse any thought whatsoever. who does? wasn't even in my consciousness. if you look around the site, though, you will find a wide range of ages from the women here and it reminds ME that this is, in fact, an extremely common issue. not only that, if you go through here, you will also discover that your life will get to a place where you won't feel devastated and miserable. again, i can tell you this from first hand experience. for the most part, my life is pretty much as it had been before, save a MUCH better diet and attention to posture like i hadn't before.

here's one thing that i will tell you that i've noticed very recently. it can be tiring sometimes just to be thinking about one's body and literally holding it in a very different way. i've been feeling that tiredness, though exacerbated by cold cold weather, i think. i've had moments of thinking: how will i maintain this for my whole lifetime? how am i going to DO that? and then i just sit down and remind myself that people actually live with a host of challenges through their whole lives and, in the scheme of things, once you've gotten over the initial shock and fear, this is all so very livable. not only livable, actually, but almost forgettable. i mean, i went to the gym this morning and worked hard on an eliptical machine for 45 minutes, had a busy day that involved about 6 miles of walking and you know what? i didn't think about the prolapses because I DIDN'T FEEL THEM AT ALL, HAD NO LEAKING...nothing. i would remind myself of the posture as i went along, but that's the god's honest truth. i had no physical awareness of the prolapses at all. and, has been said on this site before, i don't feel 'em, i don't have 'em. i mean, think of all the women who are probably out there with prolapses but just completely asymptomatic. i suspect there are lots.

but, i do understand your shock and panic and sense of devastation. i understand it 100%. i remember weeping about how damaged i felt initially, how stunned my body could let me down. i think now, that my body is really quite remarkable. it birthed a baby, got me through 43 years and, with some care, love, and attention, stabilizing and improving the prolapse quite nicely, thank you. yes, there are days that feel like one step back. but then its two steps forward.

are you breathing? did you take that deep breath? i hope you did. take another. i promise you, you will be okay. you will not be thinking about this 24/7. look around the site. check out the posture in the faq section. if you have the budget, order the new edition of christine's book which is jammed with incredible information. there are many of us here to help you as we all help each other.

xxsusan

Hi Miame:

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I got diagnosed with a cystocele in November. I had no symptoms, just a tampon that I couldn't retrieve. Well, as it turns out, there was no tampon. When they ever told me I had a prolapse, I too thought I'd die. Then I came home and did extensive research and thought surely my life was over.

Learning to cope with this "diagnosis" has been a very hard struggle for me. I still can't say I have arrived in the acceptance place yet. I felt such overwhelming sadness. I don't have a beautiful baby to show for it either. I suffer from IBS. As bad as IBS is/was, it wasn't that bad. I just learned to deal with the constipation. I never knew that I was damaging myself. Isn't it crazy?

I will say to you, yesterday I went jogging! I bring this up because I haven't jogged since being diagnosed. I initally lay on the couch and cried. I treated myself as if I was sick. It will come to a point that you get tired of being sick. One day you will get up and move on. My emotions seem to cripple me far worse then the prolapse does.

I am so glad that you found the WholeWomen site. You have entered into a very special place. There are so many wonderful supportive ladies on this site. We can all relate to every emotion that you are feeling. We have all been there. Just know that you are not alone.

Hugs

- Lilly Anne

hello, miame:

i'm so glad you went to a doctor that you find understanding. that is great. i think some women go to doctors who really put on the pressure about surgical repairs.

that said, of course, each of us needs to make our own decision with it. it is ultimately a personal choice. the thing I would gently suggest to you is before you commit to that, you spend time on this site, reading about what is involved with surgical repairs and, more importantly, reading about the non-surgical ways you can really help yourself. and, i promise you, there are ways to do that. i am a living example of that. i feel that not only are my rectocele and cystocele definitely stabilizing, but improving. i do. and i don't think that i'm so special that i'm the only one that happens with. look around here...you'll see others.

as to the doctor making the surgery sound "fairly simple and uncomplicated" i would only ask that you research it for yourself -- read what the surgery actually involves -- and see if YOU truly feel it sounds rather simple and uncomplicated. i had had my first and only surgical experience in october (6 weeks before prolapse...hm...) that was "merely" a d&c and endometrial polyps removed -- what could be more simple? my thought now is NO surgery is really simple and easy. again, just my point of view at this point after having gone through it, but i feel it pretty strongly. as i also feel a surgical "solution" is no solution for me. i've read too much about it, looked too hard on the hytersister forum site to feel the that the benefits in any way outweigh the risks. again, though, that's the conclusion I've come to -- i know my own comfort zone with it and, the truth is, i've seen such improvement in a mere two months that i am even more committed to this being the way to go.

maybe you want to give yourself 6 months, a year to try and work with things this way. there is no expiration date on having surgery. however, once surgery DOES happen, you can't go back with that. so i would suggest to take it slow, look around here, start using the posture and see if your diet needs tweaking. you might be completely amazed at how differently you feel in a few weeks.

again, though, i can completely respect each person's need to make their own decision. you must do what you feel is right. just, please, make sure you are fully informed about the ramifications of the various procedures before making a final decision. look to sources to research it other than just what your doctor tells you - check out relapse rates, complication issues, how the structural integrity of the area shifts and is compromised. know EXACTLY what you're getting into.

we are all here to help. this is a powerful journey.

hugs,

xxsusan

hi Miame...I've been reading your posts and you've been getting some good solid advice. I've been a bit lax these days about responding, pg fatigue catching up with me. but anyway...I dont remember if you've already gotten your hands on Christine's book, but she relates her personal experience and how she came to develop this work. You really have to read it to fully appreciate the story, but in short, Christine had a procedure to 'tuck up her bladder' and things were never the same afterwards. while the procedure itself may be fairly simple and uncomplicated, there is no way to predict how it will affect the surrounding tissues and the biomechanics of the muscles and ligaments.
while you continue to look into the pros and cons of surgery, give this postural work a shot...as far as I know there is no danger in pushing off surgery but once you go there you can never undo it. so do your research and try the posture and the exercises described in the book.
surgery is a very personal decision, its all about what kind of risks you are comfortable taking. personally, as much as it still bothers me that my vagina is all bulgy, I have no incontinence, no pain and sex is great. I'm afraid that if I had surgery I'd end up with scarring or adhesions and develop all sorts of problems I didn't bargain for. but that's me. we all have to make choices that we can live with. either way we're here to support you, just please, don't rush into anything.