I am FURIOUS at my husband

Submitted by AnneH on September 4, 2007 - 5:58pm
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I have cystocele, rectocele and prolapsed uterus and I deal with it very well with a pessary and handling urinating and defecating issues. In handling the latter, if I get constipated I need a good amount of time and PRIVACY to address it. Our bathroom is off the master bedroom and the sink is in a little alcove in the actual bedroom. Only the commode and the tub are behind the bathroom door proper. So I need to close and lock the bedroom door when I have a very severe constipation problem to handle. I may need to give myself an enema; I may need to do things that require the sink. I need the whole bedroom, not just the commode/tub room.

So last night I'm in there and my husband needs to come to the bedroom to brush his teeth for bed. Long story short, he gets upset because I've "locked him out of his room".

Today we had a fight about it. I explained I need privacy to deal with my physical issues; I hardly think he wants to walk in to confront an image of me in the middle of one of my procedures. I told him this expecting him to understand. He merely said, "I wasn't mad at you, I was just upset that I was locked out of my room." Then he suggested there are two other bathrooms in the house I could have used. I told him one is just the guest half bath and the other is our daughter's, and I can't do the things I need in there. My supplies aren't in there, sometimes I use the bed to use Fleet; I just need MY bathroom in our bedroom. And it's not like I'm in there for hours; it only takes me 20 minutes or so! Instead of expressing understanding, he got up and left the room and hasn't spoken to me since.

In the past at times he has told me he doesn't like being "forbidden" to enter "his" room. It's like it's his territory or something. I only lock the door if I am dressing or using the bathroom, no other time. I never lock him out for any other reason, and actually, the only reason I lock it when I dress is because of our child; I am not shy about dressing in his presence.

This almost sounds as if he is an overcontroling abusive husband but he isn't. He's a great husband in most other ways and I have few complaints about him. But he's got a TOTAL blind spot when it comes to understanding my womanly need for privacy. I don't complain much at all about my prolapse problems; maybe that's a mistake. He knows I have them but maybe doesn't fully appreciate what it means for me at the toilet.

At any rate... you would think after I explained it to him he'd more than understand. But no... he still seems to have some kind of anger about being "locked out" of "his territory".

OMG..... I don't know what to do... I am so FURIOUS at him. I'm 51 years old and been married to him for 22 happy years but right now I want to go rent another house and move out just so I can have a bathroom/bedroom I can lock myself into, and let him has his damn territory!

Clonmacnoise

September 4, 2007 - 7:43pm

AnneH,

I wouldn't share a bathroom with my husband of 37 years to save my life. They wash differently from us, and on the rare occasion when I have bathed after him, I have gotten a yeast infection. I have responded poorly to every medication I have ever taken. Yeast infection meds nearly caused me to ignite, so it's a fight to the finish line.

Q: Would mine understand being locked out? Of course not. Just think of how many things he locks you out of. Maybe he needs his own bathroom. Maybe you should just give him a pitcher and a bowl and tell him to take it outside!

Judy

Change what you can change; be happy with what you cannot.

jmqphd93

September 4, 2007 - 7:53pm

Anne,

I wish I had some sage advice, and perhaps someone else here does. My two cents worth: sometimes men are just thick as a brick when it comes to understanding something like this - they just don't get it. Unfortunately, it sounds like your anger, although totally justified, is only putting your husband on the defensive. I hope that you can put the anger aside (this forum is a good place to vent - many sympathetic ears) and persist in trying to get him to acknowledge your feelings of embarrassment (or fear of embarrassment) and your need for privacy.
Keep us posted (-:
Jean

alemama

September 4, 2007 - 8:38pm

I know I shouldn't AnneH, but I just laughed and laughed. I love men. They are hilarious. I sort of pictured him walking all around and marking his "territory".
Sounds like you need a "do not disturb" sign.
Goodness sometimes a woman just needs some privacy. It is like heaven if I am permitted to shut the door to the bathroom, and if I am in there alone I don't even know what to do. If I manage to go with out having to nurse or break up a disagreement or save the toilet paper from being unrolled or answer questions about what I am doing and endure comments about who has the most odorific waste product I may as well start looking for dead relatives because then I know I have died and gone to heaven.
He is lucky you don't complain.

granolamom

September 4, 2007 - 9:06pm

I lock my dh out of our bedroom when I exercise. Its just one of those things I can't do efficiently if there's people around. I can only imagine the need for privacy when you're managing bowel and bladder issues.

so my dh didn't realize I was locking him out until the day he let himself in (picked the lock) to get something. he thought the door was locked to keep the kids out. I almost bit his head off and he was pretty peeved about it to say the least.

I think a good long talk is in order. its perfectly acceptable to demand a bit of privacy, but somehow you've got to figure out a way to help your dh save face. once I calmed down about dh walking in on me, I realized he was a bit humiliated to think his wife was locking him out of his-our bedroom. so I had to make nice and apologize, but the bottom line of that conversation was that I needed privacy. I agreed to tell him before I lock the door so he could get anything out prior. It was a save-face type of move on his part I think, but whatever.
you've got years of good marriage behind you, I'm sure you'll figure something out.
but I hate when I fight with my dh so {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you

Grandma Joy

September 4, 2007 - 11:25pm

Hi AnneH,

I ditto everything granolamom had to say. I know I find it very aggravating, or rather constipating, to have people wanting in the bathroom when I'm in there. I've been married 40 years, and it took awhile for dh to get the point! Don't bother me when I'm in the bathroom! It really doesn't seem to bother him anymore, although years ago, it did take awhile for him to get it. He just couldn't understand why I could jump naked with him in the bedroom but didn't want him around when I was sitting on the pot!

Hugs your way,
Grandma Joy

AnneH

September 4, 2007 - 11:40pm

You made me feel better and even smile and laugh. We have been not speaking all night and he finally went to bed. Ha ha... yes we'll get past this I'm sure by tomorrow. I'll keep in mind doing something to help him save face, and incidentally, we're moving next year; I think I will look for a house where we can have separate bathrooms. That would be wonderful.

Thanks again for all your responses; it helps to vent here.

Anneh

louiseds

September 5, 2007 - 1:08am

Hi AnneH

Whoah! I think you might have pressed several of each other's buttons all at the same time, some of which you didn't even realise existed. Hmmm, I too think a long talk and looking at how you can both get your bedroom/bathrooom needs met would be a good idea. He probably does not know how sensitive you feel about having a real need for real privacy for this very intimate task of sorting constipation.

Men often go off grumbling and won't talk when they don't get their own way. This can make women feel rejected, but it is often nothing to do with this. It is a sign that he thought better of the caveman-style response which would have been to bash down the door, wallop you with a big stick and drag you off into the bush and leave you there, so he could get into his private space unhindered. He decided to make a strategic exit, which prevented his fearsome wife from devouring him alive, and give him time to recover his composure so he could face you again. (See the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, which, though oversimplistic IMHO, gives some idea of the peculiar thoughts that men experience in times of stress.)

Sharing and compromising are hard, ask any toddler. We are not very good at negotiating about things one or both parties is not comfortable talking about. It is a learned behaviour which does not come easily to some.

The problem is as you described. Your shared private bathroom is entered only through your other shared space, the bedroom. The basin is in the bedroom. The toilet and tub are in the bathroom. You need access to basin and toilet and the privacy to do so, which locks DH out of both his private spaces while you do your mysterious rituals, which you don't really want him to be part of.

No wonder the air is thick with dissatisfaction. I doubt that anybody could work out a way for you to share this bedroom bathroom setup when you need this much unnegotiable privacy. Moving house may indeed fix the problem. In the meantime you can both work out what sort of setup you will want, and how you can get it without spending half your leisure time cleaning toilets and bathrooms in the new house.

Perhaps in the meantime you could, as suggested, let him know the bedroom and bathroom will be off limits for an hour or so, so he can collect his things.

Perhaps he could keep some spares in the guest bathroom for these difficult moments.

Perhaps you could make a special sign for the bedroom door for these times, and let him work out in advance what he needs to do when the sign is on the bedroom door. This would have to be by mutual agreement.

This is just the modern dilemma of when 'privacy' does not mean 'privacy'. It is not something that previous generations had the opportunity to have; there are no cultural precedents for the protocols of ensuite bathroom use, so I guess this means that you will need to work it out together. Good luck. I am sure you can do it.

Cheers

Louise

MeMyselfAndI

September 5, 2007 - 5:26am

Personally I would tell him to grow the hell up - And would he like to see what I have to do to keep my INSIDES INSIDE OF ME????????????

He is acting like a child. Christ it ain't for that long a time of the day is it...

Plus it's YOUR terrotory too...

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

AnneH

September 5, 2007 - 10:16am

MeMyselfAndI, yes when you put it that way, to KEEP MY INSIDES INSIDE ME, it really hits home why I'm so upset. Because I am dealing with a hideous, horrible problem, and feel that he has no clue what the issues and ramifications are for me. The only time he has any personal contact with that part of me is when I'm horizontal in bed and everything is flopped back inside. So he thinks I'm just being selfish and stingy about hogging the bath/bedroom when in reality, the reason I need the time there is because my inner organs are literally trying to SLIDE RIGHT OUT OF MY BODY.

Louiseds you hit the nail right on the head. Yes I have read Men are From Mars, etc., and yes, that's what he's doing. Reacting in the He-Man this-is-my-house-I-work-to-pay-the-mortgage way, and now being overly sensitive about how he's stepped on my toes. It's a big mess. Also probably involves his not liking the fact I'm declining in health and getting older. He doesn't like these reminders that I'm not going to be a perky, healthy, athletic bombshell anymore. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Part of why I'm so angry is that it isn't like this is a weekly thing... it happens maybe once every six months or even just once a year. I don't get constipated much, I work hard to avoid it. He is getting upset at me for locking him out for 20 minutes once or twice a year, can you believe that????

Therese

September 5, 2007 - 11:39am

I try and hide the bathroom stuff myself. I don't want my husband knowing it can take forever for me to "finish". It is so NOT sexy. I don't like him knowing anything about it you know so I know how you feel in a different way. I get angry because he is curious and asks his 100 questions...he is a questioner...I want to pretend it isn't happening...

AnneH

September 5, 2007 - 11:46am

Terese, exactly... this issue is embarrassing and private for me. To even have to have the discussion with him is an affront to me. That's what's got me so upset... that he doesn't have the sensitivity to see that.

MeMyselfAndI

September 5, 2007 - 11:56am

This is what I did when my partner didn't understand (TMI post here)

Ready?

took his hand and I made him FEEL what was 'closing the door' down there - He understands totally now and is far far far better about it - I also took him with me when my Dr rammed that evil pessary thing (Far too large I was told by my Gynae afterwards) and he SAW how much this hurt and how affected I was by this - He even says to me even now he is still traumatised... lol

Sometimes with some men - The TMI way is the only way their feeble man-minds will GET IT

Sue

Look into the eyes - They hold the key!
http://www.bringmadeleinehome.com/img/maddy544x150Banner.jpg

louiseds

September 5, 2007 - 8:29pm

Hi AnneH

(((Hugs)))

Thanks for being so honest. I can see that this whole prolapse/constipation thing is hitting you really hard at the moment, and is both very deep and very close to the surface. Your DH needs to hear you say all these things, which really cut to the heart of your survival, your marriage, and what being husband and wife means (you know, all that stuff about "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"). These are things he needs to know; that you are crying out to him to be gentle with you because you are feeling deeply wounded and hurt. You have said that he asks you questions about it. He wants to know, but you are not only shutting him out, but not admitting it to yourself.

The prolapse/constipation thing is like a monster in the darkness of the bathroom trying to tear your relationship apart. The only way to deal with a monster like this is to turn on the lights and expose it, then it will just fade away to normal size. Then you can deal with just the prolapse and constipation instead of an overblown emotionally-charged incident.

I betcha he has no idea how bad you feel about the episode and the whole thing, and he will feel a right jerk when you tell him.

Please, please talk to him about it. It will not be easy, but a strained marriage is no picnic in the longer term either. It is not going to get any better until you let it.

Cheers

Louise

AnneH

September 5, 2007 - 9:54pm

Thanks louiseds, once again you have really accurately understood where I'm coming from. It ties into my deepest fears about growing old and helpless, and that he will not be understanding and helpful. It's irrational, and maybe it's just my "Women are From Venus" way of generalizing stuff, but those feelings are there nevertheless.

Tonight we kind of made up. Didn't talk about it but I'm not mad anymore and neither is he and we're speaking again. But we will have that conversation you mention; I told him I want to have a talk about it, later though. Too tired and busy tonight. I think it will help a lot.

louiseds

September 5, 2007 - 10:25pm

Hi AnneH

I have been in a 25 marriage which was unsatisfactory, made the decision to leave, and very gently told him why, from deep down in my heart, left home and experienced a miracle. The overnight transformation in my husband was nothing short of miraculous and I am now back home in a new marriage (since early 2004) which has little resemblance to the previous marriage.

He can still be a bit of a grumpy old man at times, and sometimes still grumbles off into the distance if he can't win, but I now know the real DH that I never knew before, and he now knows that his words and actions hurt me deeply for all those years, and now thinks a lot more carefully before speaking or acting as he did before. He still presses my buttons sometimes but now I pull him up, rather than letting it wash over me, and he generally responds.

Miracles are real. You have made some progress. Keep going.

Cheers

Louise