Can't stop crying!

ATS, I wish I were there with you, I'd give you a big hug and an understanding ear. This stuff is tough to take. It hits at our very core, and is so often a total shock because so many of us had no idea these things could even happen. But here we are, and there is no getting around that. Getting a handle on the emotional so that the physical work can start seems to be the first step. I'm sorry your husband is not emotionally supportive. Perhaps he is frightened, as well? Does he realize, really realize what has happened to your body? He just may not understand. Some people instinctively close off a bit to emotionally protect themselves in difficult circumstances. It is a natural response, and it does not mean that they don't care. My husband is just the opposite as far as support, but it is difficult because he is so concerned he is constantly asking how I am. Our whole world seems to revolve around me right now, and I just hate that. I know he is frightened for me and I also know he doesn't totally understand. I'm not sure I want him to have total understanding right now. He wants me well. I hurt for him as much as for myself. There is probably a large learning curve for husbands, as there is for us, maybe more of one. What we need, you and I and so many others who are new to this, is some normalcy. We have to step outside this thing and not let it take over our every waking moment. Yes, it is unfair and a shock and if I used dirty words I'd say exactly what it is, but it is reality. Do we let it win and take over our lives? No, girl, we can't do that. We have families and futures to tend to. You have got to get outside your own head before it consumes you. Take a shower, play some music, play with your baby, take a walk, do something normal...it is vitally important. The psychological/emotional part of this thing can be overwhelming. You cannot afford to let it defeat you. Pour your heart our when you need to. Get the major grieving over with so you can find the strength you need to do the hard work that comes with this new normal. Women have been dealing (silently) with these issues forever. I, for one, wish it had not been a silent epidemic. The ones that came before had very little information. Can you imagine how scary that was? We have this haven of goodness to run to and cry to and draw help and compassion from. Draw strength from all the stories of progress, or at least stabilization that are here. Give yourself a chance to see how strong you are and how much you can accomplish. This is a test we need to score well on, and only we can do the work.

I was feeling pretty awful this morning, as well. I did half the ballet workout and took a hot shower and felt so much better. I am struggling to teach myself the ballet workout. Either I am very weak or it is very challenging...perhaps a bit of both but it feels so good to move an inch forward in my healing. :-) See if you can do something to move an inch towards yours today. Even if you just smile at your baby. :-) It is hard to feel defeated when you’re looking at a miracle.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, I have some things I have to do so I wrote it hastily...but with much understanding and empathy for your pain.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and feel my healing wishes, for your body and your heart. Give your baby girl a hug for me, I just love babies!! Love, Kit

I think kit may be onto something. perhaps your dh is scared too? scared of you not being physically well and scared of you being locked in that dark place?
my dh is typically super supportive but when I get depressed (I've had ppd twice) he gets scared and is afraid to make it worse. even though to us it seems so obvious that a simple hug is a good idea, to him, well, he's afraid to do anything.

I think you've got to talk to him. get out for a walk first, get some sun on your face, and let him know that you need him to hold you. and that that helps.

I know that right now you feel like a freak and not like the woman your dh married, I know that because I was there too. a while back someone posted a rather amusing (to me) thread about men getting saggy in the genital area too. let me ask you, if your dh's balls started to sag, would you care? would you even notice? would he still be the same man you married?

I'm not sure if this will be helpful if you are truly depressed, but maybe it will be when you read it tomorrow. I want you to know that MY LIFE HAS NOT CHANGED. I twirl my kids. I teach them to ride bikes. I play basketball. I wear my baby for hours a day. I have great sex.
I have a prolapse and LIFE IS GOOD.

I've been where you are, and I didn't get to where I am overnight. You are grieving. It is normal. and it will pass. and you will get back to the business of enjoying life.

In the moment you don't think it will ever get better, hate your body, curse your life, snap at your loved ones, have trouble getting out of bed......but in the next year or so things will get better- you will have one good hour and then one good day and then one good week until you one day have a bad day draw from the strength that you earned now- to know that tomorrow is another day.

I feel great- I still have days that are better than others- but none so bad as the early days.

One thing that really helped me was to think about the worst case scenario- meditate on that- and the realization that even if it came to that I wouldn't change a thing.
I would give my whole body and much more for the children of my womb-
you will be well.

I would give my whole body and much more for the children of my womb-

Wow, beautiful, that puts it all in perspective, doesn't it?

Kit

Hi,
Yes, the video does go into demonstrations of how to hold the posture, sitting and standing and many other things.
One of the things you are going to need to learn is how to relax and not worry so much.I know it is easier said than done but the sooner you learn the easier it will come.You are probably so tense when you try the posture that you are causing every part of your back to stiffen. Most of us did have back problems when we first learned the posture but that is just from your back going into the way it was meant to be.
Try putting a small pillow between your thighs when you go to sleep and it wiil help ease your back aches. I also put a small pillow in the small of my back when I am sitting if my back is bothering me.
Practice the posture a few times a day and forget about it the rest of the time. You don't have to stay in the posture 24/7.
The posture has many other benefits besides helping the prolapses that you will learn as you get the hang of it.
Hope this helps some.
Regards,
Flora

Dear A,

If you have a mo' try to read some of my early posts from a while back. I too have SO been where you are now. I went through a bleak, black depression with all of this where I could see no way out. I too trawled through old posts here and elsewhere trying to find the magical "cure" for it all. (I actually was suffering from PPD as well, though I didn't realise that until much later).

I have now healed both physically and emotionally over some time like everyone else here. I am lucky I know in that I don't get symptoms, but in those early days I was literally terrified to move! Now I do EVERYTHING I used to do, except running which I actually need to try again as I haven't for a while. I have just got over a horrible cough which a year or so ago would have thrown me into the utmost fear. This time I haven't even checked to see what's what going on down there. I know even if things are a little saggier they will get better again.

This is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and that is saying something. It truly does strike us at the core of who we are as women, and at the start it feels like there is no good solution. After some time you realize that acceptance IS the solution. I never thought I would accept this, but I totally have. You will too though I know that you don't believe it right now.

Please know that we all understand and also know that MANY, MANY women have this thing and don't even know it! You are not in any way "disfugured" as a woman. This to varying degrees is a natural part of being a woman with, and sometimes without babies!

My husband was pretty clueless though he truly did try to understand what I was going through. I think it scared him to see me SO low, and he didn't know what to do. He thought, (and still thinks), that if things get bad I can skip along to the Drs for a little surgery and all will be solved. He has not read all that I have, and he simply does not see me as any different either, so how can I really expect him to understand the depth of all this? Perhaps it is the same for your husband as well. Try to tell him how yu are feeling and try to introduce him to some of the knowledge you have gained about all of this. It may help him to support you more.

In the meantime, I am thinking of you lots. I PROMISE that if you take it a day at a time and start taking a little bit of your power back by doing little things you will get through this and even come out stronger and wiser at the other end. I know right now that sounds ridiculous! :) Take care!

Love, Michelle xxxx

Oh A,
It is horrible we know! And you are so not alone in what you are going through!
I discovered my POPS 9 months ago, when my son was only a few weeks old. It was awful--I was so depressed, and couldn't imagine how my life could go on as i'd lived it up till then. I could barely move w/o feeling horrible! How could i raise a family?

Fast forward 9 months. The POPS (bladder and bowel) are still there, but nothing compared to what they were. and my life just goes on rather happily. I have to be much more careful about what i eat which is annoying at times, but hey--i'm sure i'm much healthier for it! and whilst once the slightest thing terrified me, i now have the faith that my body may yoyo, but it will recover. I don't lift things, gets lots of exercise doing small trips to the shops / taking things around the house in small loads, and am not shy about asking people for help lifting things--it's just not an option for me now.

The posture was very akward at first and at times painful as my body got used to it. Go easy, do it in slow bits. I found working on it sitting helped at first, then walking bits. Now it's second nature, though at times i get lazy (and then my body reminds me with a little extra sag!)
for the back pain I found an amazing accupuncturist who cleared it right up, along with the irritable bladder. She also is working on "lifting" everything. I also do homeopathy to lift and calm, physio, and Reiki to calm me as I get very anxious.

So know that you are not alone, and that things do improve! They can improve so much! I am very lucky that none of the doctors I have seen advocated surgery, even though everything was very bad at the beginning (Grade 2-3). I don't know if you've seen anyone yet, but if you do and you only find someone who pushes surgery keep searching. I think it's really imp't to have support for your decisions, and it is possible to find it! (even the specialist surgeon i saw said he didn't recommend surgery unless i really couldn't live with this!)

and keep coming here for support, moan and cry all you need, and get it out--it helps you get to the other side.

Kiki

Just like when you have any major stressor, and loss, and must go through a grieving process, you must take care of yourself. You are undergoing a tremendous emotional shock. Step outside yourself and observe. If you are depressed beyond what is reasonable, for longer than a reasonable timeframe (a few weeks) consider getting some counseling. There is no need to suffer this deeply for very long. You can and will adjust and come to terms with these changes in your body. But like with any other great shock or grief, sometimes we need someone to hold our hand and guide us if we stumble too much in emotional dark.

you asked:

Granolamum - have you improved your prolapse following Christine's work or have you stablised it and learned to live with it?

my vaginal walls do not look like they did before developing a prolapse, so no, it has not reversed.
Its improved in that the bulge is smaller and higher up and doesn't bother me most days.
I've learned to live with it too. I do what I need to do to remain symptom free (ie posture, diet, exercise, positive thinking) and I've accepted the physical change in my appearance.
It has also stabilized, I've had another baby since developing a cystocele and small rectocele and they are no worse than before the pregnancy. I feel stable. I can lift heavy things, I can run, I can carry my children for a while and do pretty much anything I've ever been able to do without fear of it all falling out. sometimes its lower and bulgier the day after, but I know I can easily and swiftly return to baseline. Its like eating too much at a holiday dinner, you put on a couple of pounds but you know after a week of healthful eating and some exercise you will be back at your normal weight.

so yes yes and yes

You have healed? How - please, please let me know what to do. I find myself making deals w/ God and spmetimes have started off the mornings well adn really believe a miracle must have taken place - but within 30 - 45 minutes "the bulge" is back and then reality sets in...again...what to I do to start to heal - surgery is tentatively scheduled for 12/17 and my gutt is telling me this might not be the right time...if even the right thing to do...

Hi Snook,

I am not sure whether you are asking me this question but anyway..........I had a pretty severe uterine prolapse which was at the vaginal entrance a week post partum following a delivery where I sustained a very small first degree tear. It went back up and has stayed since, though I have been left with a rectocele and cystocele which are minor.

I don't think I saw any miracle cure. I think in my case weak ligaments and doing too much after the delivery were the cause. Natural post partum healing, a reduction in relaxin, and resting, as well as coming here all played a factor in my healing I think. I have read of several women with a similar experience to mine with uterine prolapse which has returned pretty much to normal. To be honest though I haven't heard of quite such dramatic results with other prolapse, though many women do seem to see general improvement for anything up to a year, or even two post partum. Granolamom describes this well in her post I think by using the wholewoman techniques. I am not sure what prolapse you are dealing with.

It is imho WAY too soon for you to be considering surgery. My vaginal area for lack of a better phrase definitely got less saggy, and much tighter for months, though I have to say I hadn't sustained significant tearing which might make a difference.

If your gut is telling you this might not be the right time for surgery, go with it. Quite apart from wanting more children, the surgeries I am afraid are not often the cure all the Dr's like to make us believe.

I am sorry that you are going through this, it is no fun I know but equally isn't the life changing event at least I believed it to be in the beginning!

Hugs to you! xxx

Remember this is not emergency surgery. The prolapse poses NO threat to your health. (Unless the uterus is entirely outside your body.) So there is no reason to rush surgery if you are not completely sure that is what you want to do.

Hang in there dear- Most of what your husband will see is your determination to keep your balance. So- Do it -even if you're faking it. Find a girl to be your support in this instance. I find this site better than my girls though. They get scared, wide-eyed and say horrible things like -"I feel SO sorry for you".

Our men canNot be everything to us. They are a simple folk and canNot understand the complexities of being a powerful fragile emotional woman. The loss is tremendous and there are psychological stages that we go through when dealing with loss and grief. Denial and anger the two I seem to be bouncing back and forth between. But somewhere in there is acceptance and Grace. You will be more at peace with yourself if you can find your grace at any given moment than giving in to the fear and fragility of it all. There is so much great info on this site. Let it inspire you. And - yes- Today you can't pick up your daughter and swing her... Do what you Can.. I believe the choices we make today will affect our tomorrows. I also believe that if you don't use it , you will lose it. So - I walk and think "Well - my bladder will have calluses, but I WILL continue to walk and take in the nature around me." Find what feeds your soul. It's probably still in your grasp.

I believe that we can rehabilitate ourselves and I think Christine is Really on to something with the woman's Yoga ... check it out and see if you're not filled with hope and ambition, like I am. And if any of this sounds preachy ? I'm coaching me as I share with you.
Hugs, Zelda

Kit -Tremendous gratitude for the wonderful naked truths and way of expressing our losses struggles and hopes. Your words choice.
Zelda

Hi A

You wrote, "My husband has not lent me any support whatsoever and knows I have been crying a lot but not once has he put his arm round me to comfort me or even ask what is bothering me."

Granolamom is probably right about this being one for this site, or for the girls.

I have a DH like this. My guess is that your DH is having some difficulty watching you suffering, and is literally unable to comfort you, either because he doesn't know how, because nobody ever taught him, or because he is suffering along with you and trying to look strong for you, and scared to let his feelings out in case he falls over as well. It may also be that you have not expressed to him how this makes you feel and how much it would mean to you if he would just hug you, comfort you and be interested in what is happening for you. (It may even be that he thinks he is to blame for it - wierd!)

This sort of thing sometimes causes a type of paralysis in men. They really just don't know what to do, so they do nothing. Don't hold it against him though. Men are a bit strange like this, but unless he knows it is distressing you, he cannot do the male thing and find a solution for the problem. Give him the chance to do what you really need of him.

Hope things get better.

Cheers

Louise

Men need to be told clearly and very specifically what you want. They are NOT general emotional support systems, who automatically read your needs and respond. They ARE fixers and can address specific requests very well, as long as they are told in plain language what it is you want.

Wrong: "You aren't giving me enough emotional support. Can't you see how upset I've been?"

Right: "I need you to sit with me right now for ten minutes with your arm around me and tell me that things will be okay. I am upset and your hug and reassurance will help me feel better."

Give them specific instructions about what particular act you need at what exact time, and they should respond. Don't overload them with it.

I think you both nailed it ! and find I have definitely been approaching my husband from a new angle. We just reconciled this summer, we still live apart because we own two homes now. I had a complete breakdown of the assumptions of right, wrong and righteous in our relationship. It was an odd crash, I lost a bunch of weight I couldn't really afford to lose and reorganized my priorities it was painfully cathartic. I was quite ashamed of past mistakes and arrogance. I had been holding him responsible for my happiness. We are good now, our past power -struggles all but disappeared. We are in tremendous financial stress though. Our debt feeling like an out of control train. I look at the toll stress is taking on him and am so determined to be a good team-mate, partner, lover, friend. It's the only way we'll get through this.
Never lose sight of what really matters.
Zelda

You said: "I had been holding him responsible for my happiness."

This is incredible insight. Once you are aware that you are doing this to a person, things can turn around very dramatically. You reset your boundaries internally, and center yourself. You take responsibility for your own happiness, and from that new standpoint, you can relate to others in a much more healthy way.