newly diagnosed, feeling scared

Submitted by firsttimemumma on August 17, 2012 - 8:48pm
Body: 

Hi there ladies,
I am 31 and have a beautiful 9 week old baby girl (my first child, conceived through ICSI after a long time trying to fall pregnant naturally .... but that's another story lol) whom I love more than I ever thought possible to love anyone or anything.
I had a beautiful home waterbirth with a wonderful midwife, but my labour was very fast. I woke at 2am with mild cramps which progressed to strong contractions by 4.30 and bub was born just before 8am after abot 45mins of pushing. She came out in one prolonged push, I was just unable to hold back. I had two grazes and a second degree tear which I elected to leave to heal naturally as it was sitting nicely together.
I have spent a long time mistrusting and doubting my body, largely becauseof body image issues and the inability to fall pregnant naturally. as anatural therapist the decision to undertake invasive assisted reproduction techniques was one that I found intensely challenging (as I am sure many women who use assisted techniques do) because it shook my very core values. The decision to birth naturally at home was in some part an opportunity for me to heal and reclaim some of the pregnancy, and in another part an opportunity to trust my body again. In some respects, this has been the case (I am swinging back and forth).
Around two or three weeks after her birth, I squatted over a mirror for the first time in my life, and was scared by what I saw. When I asked my midwife about it, she suggested that it sounded like a cystocele and that I should ramp up my pelvic floor exercises, that hopefully it would go back to normal and then go see my GP as I was due for a pap smear. Looking on the internet, I found this forum and lots of other scary sites and pictures which had me feeling that I would be permanently deformed and that any subsequent pregnancies would be uncomfortable at best and potentially painful and humiliating.....that is assuming I could ever work up the nerve to sleep with hubby again to start trying! After finally working up the courage I told hubby what I had seen and suspected, he has been totally supportive, and I even got brave and we had sex a week ago. He says he cant feel any difference, and doesnt know what I wasworried about, but I had greatly reduced sensation, and some positions were more uncomfortable than they used to be. I puhed all the worry aside for a week or two after this, thinking, well maybe it will be ok, maybe its not actually a prolapse, maybe that's just what I look like down there (I wish now i had familiarised myself with my anatomy much much earlier!)
I went to the GP a couple of days ago for the pap smear and told her of my concerns. She had a look and it seemed like she was only looking for a second or two when she said, yes I can see what's happened, hop down and we'll have a chat about it. she told me she could see an anterior prolapse, that my uterus had prolapsed and referred me to a pelvic floor PT whom I will see in a weeks time. I figured it must be really abd if she could see it that easily. I asked would it get worse if I had more babies and she said it would. I lost it. I thought I was OK with it, that we would as hubby had said, just do whatever we needed to do to manage it. I didn't realisebut I had only been 'OK' because I beleived that the GP would tell me that everything was fine there, but it's not and now I'm back to feeling aweful.
I feel like I failed, like I've done this to myself because I couldn't controll myself during labour. I had all the right conditions at my side - no medical intervention, water, health, an easy pregnancy a wonderful midwife, a supportive husband..... and I screwed it up. Have I jeopardised any hope for healthy future pregnancies and natural birth? my mother lost the child she carried after me because of an 'incompetent cervix' and I worry that I have put any future babies at risk. I look at my gorgeous little girl and I can't bear the thought of losing her, or any child. I thought birth would make me feel like a woman, some sort of birthing goddess ( I was really looking forward to it), and now I just feel ugly and dysfunctional and frightened.
I'm so sorry for the prolonged rant but I neede to get this off my chest. I would love to hear any stories from others who have had sucessful pregnancies after prolapse? Is there hope?

Forum:

MsNightingale

August 17, 2012 - 10:13pm

Dear Firsttimemumma, I am so happy that you have found this site. Congratulations on the birth of your new baby! I understand your fear and panic and most of us on this site have been there. You are not alone. You will be okay. Yes, there is so much hope. It sounds to me as though your body did a beautiful beautiful job in one of the most amazing moments that we as women can experience. You are understandably frightened. Being only nine weeks past giving birth, your body is healing now. Try to be calm, rest a lot with your beautiful baby. There is so much information on this site and you will hear from many more experienced than I am. I am post-menopausal and only three months here, but I have learned so much and am so very grateful for Christine and all her work and dedication, and also for the amazing teachers and women who post here regularly. There are many new mothers and many women of all ages on this site. And many who have gone on to have many more children following their prolapse. You will learn how to work with your body and you will learn that you can do almost anything in time. (including having more babies!) Over these next months your body will be healing in many ways. Try to eat healthy, and try to rest a lot. When you have time to browse, go into the resources tab on the home page of this site and get familiar with the Whole Woman Posture. As you move about your day, try as best you can to lift your chest slightly and to keep your belly very relaxed. Allow your lumbar curve in your back to be natural, relax your shoulders and slightly tuck your chin so that the crown of your head is lifted upward. It can seem overwhelming at first, but it is this posture that you want to become your natural posture. By relaxing your belly and allowing your natural curve, you allow those pelvic organs to slip forward where they are meant to be. If you are used to pulling in your belly and tucking your tailbone (as so many of us have done) you want to stop that. Just do as much as you are able as you begin this. In my first couple of weeks with the posture, I made a mental checklist that helped me to not feel overwhelmed. If you are able to get Christine's book, I think you might find that helpful. The DVDs are wonderful, however, being only 9 weeks PP right now, it seems like the best thing you can do right now is rest, enjoy that baby and your supportive husband, and do all that you can in the WW posture. I send you love and best wishes and look forward to hearing back from you!

louiseds

August 17, 2012 - 11:59pm

Hi Firsttimemumma

It is a shock when you have done everything right, then suddenly it looks like you did everything wrong. MsNightingale is right. You did everything right. Eventually you will realise that, when other Mums respond with their experiences. No, you won't always be like this. Yes, you have had an injury, but it will get better as your body reverts over the next two years to something approximating pre-pregnancy. Like all injuries you will need to respect it and use your body in ways that minimise the impact of its residue on your life.

MsNightingale has sent you in the right direction.

You are suffering from acute grief right now, in amongst the joy of your newborn, and it will take some time to dispel the beliefs about prolapse being the end of life as you know it. Your first experience with post birth sex has started this re-trusting your body's integrity.

No, men don't notice the difference. You are not your vagina. Your man is quite aware of that, and will be just as besotted by your baby as you are, and will love you still, more now you have birthed his baby. :-) :-)

Your GP is not correct that the prolapse will get worse with each subsequent pregnancy, as long as your posture is adjusted to allow for less internal support for your pelvic organs. If you spend the rest of your live slouching it will get worse. Our western lifestyles conspire to worsen pelvic organ prolapse (POP), but we can affect changes in the way we feed, clothe, and use our bodies to counteract these effects. I am sure you will see Members posting of their experiences of subsequent pregnancies and worsening, or not, of their POPs.

My first baby was conceived with infertility treatment and I ended up with pre-eclampsia and was co-erced into a fully managed labour and birth, which was a bit like watching the birth on TV, not very inspiring. I am so glad that you birthed the way you did. You lucky duck! I did have two more vaginal births. They were both great, so I didn't miss out altogether.

Louise

ginny

August 18, 2012 - 12:24am

I don't usually write back to people cos I'm not so good at expressing myself and the others here are! But your story made me cry and I want to tell you that you did nothing wrong whatsoever and I promise it will get better. It would be good if you nourished your body and loved yourself like you love your little bubba.my main reason for writing is to say I understand completely. Having just had my 3rd child, and discovering my pop after my 2nd I have been on that merry go round of disbelief and upset many times. Darling girl it has only been 9 weeks! I am amazed you are trying to have sex! Well done! Your body did this amazing thing and grew a child then you PUSHED IT OUT! How amazing are you!im ranting on but I just wanted to show my support and tell you that you'll get a ton of love and help here, but the main thing is to let your body recover and BUY THE BOOK! You'll feel much better when you do
Big hugs of support
Ginny

ginny

August 18, 2012 - 12:27am

Just last week (4 mths post partum now) I was moping around the house feeling very sorry for myself because my rectocele really was bulging. And telling hubby to go away I'm hideous and broken.....took me a day to realise I was ovulating and I bounced back into standing straight and the rectocele retreated..... So I understand and empathise with all your emotions regarding husbands, sex and your body. It's hard!

Surviving60

August 18, 2012 - 11:17am

Hello first time mumma and welcome. There are many posts on here about the normal time frames for when prolapse tends to get better and worse during the post-partum period. I'm sure even this can vary widely among women, depending on what they do with themselves during that period. But one thing is certain, you have a long recovery period still to go, and there is lots you can do during that time that will help to alleviate the prolapse. Post partum is a great time to learn to adopt Whole Woman posture because that is pretty much the normal posture of a pregnant woman.....belly relaxed, lower lumbar curvature in place, organs held toward the front. Well, that's where they belong now, too, but so many of us were taught to suck it all in and tuck the tailbone and that is still considered "good posture" by the world at large. Not so! Please spend time time on this site if you can. Under the Navigation section on the left, if you click on the word "forums" it will take you to a page where you can search the actual Pregnancy and Prolapse forum, where many of the PP threads are found. You can also just search on keywords in the box above. Most importantly, yes, there are many young moms here who have gone on to have more kids and their prolapses are no worse, and in many cases better due to WW work. In the PP period your organs are in the process of working themselves back into some kind of "normal" position - make WW the new normal! I wish I had had this knowledge at your age. You will be fine, you will be more than fine. - surviving

firsttimemumma

August 18, 2012 - 6:40pm

thank you MsNightingale! Thank you for reminding me how very early on this is.... I watch my baby grow and its like life has hit the fast forward button on me, it is all flying by so quickly, but in reality it is so early in the picture. I am so glad I have found this site and forum too, as I fear the picture painted by mainstream care is so hopeless that I might otherwise sink into a depressive hole! I will concentrate on making as strong and healthy a foundation as I can right now, and work on the posture. It is a start and I will be getting that book! Thank you for taking the time to help me, and reminding me what a wonderful job my body has done x

firsttimemumma

August 18, 2012 - 6:51pm

Louise I am so glad you were able to have the births you deserve, I hear so many stories from my homebirthing friends of how they were scarred physically and emotionally by the hospital system, before they discovered home birth as an option and my heart breaks for them. It is stories like yours that remind me that we have the power to write our own histories, rather than just accept what we are told must be.
I am lucky.
And you are right, this is acute grief and it is an injury. I never knew this could happen and even if i did, i would never have thought it would happen to me. I will respect it as such, and give it some time whilist moving in a more positive direction. thankyou x
thank you for the hubby comment too ;)

firsttimemumma

August 18, 2012 - 7:05pm

Thank you Ginny, thank you for taking the time and stepping outside your comfort zone to offer me support, you have no idea how warm it makes me feel to return here just a day after posting and find such an accepting community full of encouragement, and who are not only offering me hope but celebrating the birth of my daughter and reminding me how amazing my body is. this has definitely been lacking in my current circles, and i really needed to hear it. hugs right back at you x I am glad to hear you were able to have a third baby after discovering your pop, that is inspiring :)

firsttimemumma

August 18, 2012 - 7:12pm

thankyou surviving60, what a wonderful way to think of the WW posture, being pregnant was the first time in my life i felt really beautiful. It would be lovely to feel that way again, and I know that adopting different postures triggers memory, maybe i can tap into that! It will be a re-education that is for sure, but i have the felling i can do it, given all the wonderful support here x

odelia

August 23, 2012 - 6:20pm

I just wanted to reassure you that it wasn't anything you did wrong during labour that caused your POP.
I had a very difficult first birth, 3 hours of directed/protracted pushing, epidural, 3rd degree tear etc.
I had no prolapse after that.

2 years later I had an ecstatic homebirth, not once did I exert any effort in pushing, by body pushed my baby out over 30mins, very very small perineal tear. I discovered a rectocele 6 weeks later.

Fast forward 4 years, baby number 3 is born in my bath, my body pushed her out over 15mins, again, not one ounce of exertion on my part, no tearing and 2 weeks later I discover a cystocele.

Though I am not a walking advertisement for how birth doesn't make a prolapse worse, I truly believe it is not birth that is the problem. I refuse to believe that we are so poorly designed that childbirth could do this to us. It is what we are designed to do. I will have another child and I'll birth in my bath again, I am confident that birth alone does not do this.

And I also want to reassure you that things will improve. After I discovered my rectocele 4 years ago I had to manually reduce the bulge, in order to empty my bowels, after about 12 months I didn't need to do that anymore, my sex life was great and I was very happy with my body. I enjoyed 3 years of asymptomatic rectocele, so I know it can happen and I remain hopeful that I will have improvement of my cystocele as well.

Love and light, sister, you will be ok xx