Why do I hate my belly?

Submitted by louiseds on January 8, 2008 - 8:34pm
Body: 

Hi All

What is it about a woman and her belly? Why do most of us have to battle to let go of our lower belly and let it assume its natural shape?

It is perhaps the most sacred part of a woman, expanding on demand to accommodate the fruit of our joining with a man. The space where our pelvic organs are tucked away safely. The root of our femaleness and our pleasure. The place where life-giving nutrients are extracted from our food to keep our body working and in good repair. The softest pillow to lay a head.

Why does style, the fitness industry and vanity determine that we need a flat belly?

Is it to encourage us to devalue or deny our femaleness? Why would we want to do that?

Is being female not as good as being male? Is it to make us appear smaller? Deny our own existence or validity in the world?

Is it to stop us flaunting our femaleness? (No, can't be that. Look at the media's obsession with boobs vs its prudishness in not allowing nipples on TV!)

Is it because the media and advertising industry (where we get the messages designed just for our ears and eyes) are dominated by men who see the women they portray in their products as objects and clothes horses, rather than as juicy, fertile, yummy, sensual women like their, wives and girlfriends, or potential partners not yet on their radar; or familiar, sweet-smelling women like their Mums? Do they battle with reconciling the different attitudes to the different women in their lives, and can't really make sense of any of us, so deny us the pleasure of our bellies?

Do we try and make our bellies disappear because it indicates virginity, the belly not yet stretched by pregnancy, the cleanest and freshest, potential new mate with the most up to date, shiny genes to add to a man's for the next generation of the species? The most desirable bride, young and impressionable, easy to discipline and control? And not likely to die before him, leaving him with no sex and nobody to keep him warm at night in his cave?

Does my belly label me as a used women, no longer desirable, like a used car? Why would you buy a used car if you could afford a new one? The driver's seat sags. It is not perfect or even very shiny. Bits have fallen off it. It has a mind of its own, and growls sometimes. Get the picture?

Why would a man and a woman who has given birth in a loving marriage to their child of love want to deny what had grown in her belly? Do we not value babies in our society? Do we not value the ability to reproduce? Or do we put our own fruit in childcare, and go off to the gym to rebuild our virginal status, and regard pregnancy as a failure of contraception? Dem's strong words, not to be taken personally by any woman. Sorry if they offend.

Do we measure our strength as 1960's+ (post-Pill) women by our ability to determine if and when we will tie ourselves down for 20 years+ by reproducing at all? We can actually escape from our biological fate completely and leave one more genetic deadend.

Or is it something else? Or do you really love your belly unconditionally? Please let me know your thoughts.

Cheers

Louise

granolamom

January 8, 2008 - 9:06pm

I never had a flat stomach, even way back when I was a blushing 116 lb bride who went to the gym every morning. so I've always had a 'belly'.

I never really hated my belly. In fact, when my third child was a year old I seriously considered having my belly button pierced in celebration of the belly's role in our family. I chickened out, but I still like my belly. I know its not flat or young looking, that its got some stretch marks, but its mine and its done its job well. so even though there's all that extra skin that I suspect I will carry around for as long as I carry on, I'm ok with that.

you have some very deep thoughts there louise, I'm too tired to think that much. for me, right now, it just is what it is. the belly of a 35 yo mom of 4.

louiseds

January 8, 2008 - 9:33pm

Thanks for your response Granolamom

I too have always had a belly. One of my skinny friends at school (who looked like the model Twiggy) once said to me in response to a whinge about my belly, "But you have such a womanly figure (and it was said as a compliment)". This was back in the skinny Carnaby Street era, forty years ago, a previous time of 'skinny is cool'. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.

Hmm, a belly button piercing with a distinctive, symbolic piece of jeweller to celebrate it! That's an interesting idea. My husband and I would be the only ones to ever see it, and that is probably the way it should stay.

I have only begun recently to regard my belly as a badge of honour. I am still getting used to the idea of allowing it to relax, but I do relish the sensation of allowing my belly to drop.

Cheers

Louise

Zelda

January 8, 2008 - 9:41pm

AM I YELLING ? Yeah kind of. What an articulate Woman you are !!!
It's not from ego that I say I have thought of Many of these things-
at length.
It's from struggling with an eating disorder and becoming ACUTELY
aware of the vast pressures our society wields against Women. Women
who do NOT reflect an almost androgenous (asexual ?) standard ! A standard
I actively subscribed to in my immaturity, BEFORE I realized the incredible
-and often Thankless job- of BEING the center of our families universe !
What matters is that you all realize the SUBSTANCE of being a Mother and a
Partner. We are SO important, WE ARE the Nexus of our families.
And if we were to really delve we would come to understand that our Men
are NOT as superficial in viewing us naked - as WE are. Most men WANT
soft , fleshy curvy WOMAN ! Be confident and reject styles and social trends.
It is all a product of consumerism. Since when have family values been at the
fore front of fashion ?
Women are beautiful in ALL their shapes. I have long looked at all women with this
eye... what matters is your spirit and your confidence ! A big luscious loving Woman
is far more evocative Than an airbrushed inexperienced "virgin". At least to ME !
Don't give in - LOVE the flesh you have in all it's curvy uniquenesss !! I'm sure your Man does ...
Zelda

louiseds

January 8, 2008 - 10:04pm

Hey Zelda

You are one wise woman!

L

alemama

January 9, 2008 - 9:23am

Zelda that was my first reaction too- I think men love women- no matter the shape or size- just that they could get a piece.
Maybe it is women who hate.
It is only recently that women have hated their tummys. Roundness used to be a fertility sign- look at all the pagan goddesses- CURVES everywhere.

Maybe it was missionaries- what a woman be worshiped as a goddess for having SEX- ack.
Afterall that is what a belly full of baby implies-

It is cultural too- Most popular culture black and hispanic rap videos and TV personalities have curves and sing about them and are proud-
It is these little white women that have the problem.

That said- I like my tummy fine- I got the extra skin thing now- I am into the bellybutton ring- but mostly I am going to do nipple rings - I figure after all this breast feeding I won't even feel it!

Zelda

January 9, 2008 - 10:18am

When you get right down to it ... I think it's safe to say "Everything
can be blamed on Missionaries" just kidding, but don't get me started.
They did however give title to my favorite position...

I completely agree, this is definitely a cultural thing. So are white women
more shallow than other races ? LOL.
A toast to "ALL the junk in our trunks" !
Zelda

kimo

January 9, 2008 - 12:47pm

I remember spending time at the beach in the Carribbean as a young girl (mom was born there) and all these European women (moms) playing with their kids and they were in bikinis and/ or topless. All the other women (American, etc) were horrified that these women were so exposed and "blatant" with their less than perfect bodies. What I'm realizing now as I look back to the memories- is that these European women loved their bodies and had no issues with them not being perfect.

I think one of the biggest issues is the whole "puritan" schooling that has left most of us women not having any elder role models who could have shown us through example to love our female bodies as they change through life. At least I have my memories of the European mothers. And they loved their bellies.

That and a yoga teacher who 15 years ago always talked about how she loved her buddha belly- and now here I am, learning to love mine. ; )

Kimo

stella

January 11, 2008 - 7:20pm

I was raised in a family and a culture obsessed with thinness. Over time, I have managed to recognize my own values (in general) and reject most of those that I came from. The body image one has been a hard one to shake. I am constantly appreciating the beauty of women all around me in all of their shapes and sizes but when it comes to myself I am never satisfied. It has been a great challenge for me to protect my daughter(now 12) from this neurosis. I use much self control to not expose my discomfort about my own body to her(not always but usually successfully). I eat very healthfully and exercise almost daily and theoretically to me that means that my body is the way nature intended it to be. But the mirror always reveals to me my sagging breasts and chubby belly. (I don't even own a full size mirror or a scale because I believe that they would heighten the obsessiveness). My daughter is a beautiful, curvaceous girl and has no body issues. Thankfully, she has no exposure to the media and so she is not being brainwashed into aspiring to look like a waif. I just pray that she continues to feel comfortable and loving about her body into her adulthood. And I wish for myself that I will one day learn to love my body as well-I am working towards it!

louiseds

January 12, 2008 - 12:20am

Hi Stella

It sounds like your conscious and careful expression to your daughter of your body image is paying off, especially as you do not obsessively weigh yourself every day or look at your whole body in a mirror. It is so hard when you have had negative experiences not to overdo it in the opposite direction with your own kids, but it sounds like you are very self0-aware in this regard.

The bad news is that your daughter will inevitably discover the media and its horrible news that she should be striving to have an impossible body, as she hits her teenage years. The good news is that you have already imprinted on her from an early age that a body is nothing to obsess about, and in the longer term she will return to the values that she has learned through childhood. Have no doubt that this will be true. Humans do it all the time.

My daughter who is nearly 23 and has had a similar upbringing. She received a lot of stuff at her (quite feminist) school about body image and healthy living, and most of it was very sound. She has very grounded friends and has always just shaken her head with disbelief and pity when confronted with anorexic and bulimic girls she has known. Maybe she has been lucky, but I think how you are brought up has a lot to do with it.

Hmm, the mirror image of sagging boobs and chubby belly is a bit challenging, isn't it? You sort of feel like you are melting, and wonder what it will look like by next week. However, I am comforted by the fact that I meet very few women who are reduced in old age to being puddles on the ground, and if I had to pick a disability to have when I am older, I think saggy boobs and a chubby belly would be a painless and convenient alternative to almost anything else. At least you can wobble them when you laugh. Somehow most older women do not obsess about how they look, another comforting thought.

The other tentative bit of news, that I have also posted elsewhere, is that I got a period yesterday, without the usual low cervix for the preceding week. Since I have been making a very conscious effort to relax my lower belly at all times, I have experienced almost no premenstrual bloating, and no low cervix before and during periods. This has been *just amazing*, and I hope it is not just coincidence. Christine's logic tells me it might be the key, but I will reserve my judgement until I can repeat it over the next few months.

Others might like to try the experiment as well and report back. It is a bit scary watching your belly growing and getting lower, but if it means my cervix is not going to be eroding my perineum I am over the moon about it.

Cheers

Louise

stella

January 12, 2008 - 7:59am

Thanks Louise.
I somehow retain the hope that my daughter will miraculously manage to skip the stage of succumbing to the influence of the culture. She seems to have a very wise head on her shoulders(old soul!). I realize that I may be wrong, and her transition into adulthood might be a temporary setback in this department...
In my conscious mind I completely agree with you about the saggy boobs and belly...on a certain level I think it is ridiculous to give any attention to at all-who cares??!!...I think a woman's body is spectacular in all of its forms...but I can't seem to shake this discomfort in my own even with this awareness...my hubby is as sweet as can be about it all. He loves my soft curvy body and whenever he detects my insecurity about it he makes sure to tell me so. I strive to love my body as much as he does! One day....
Glad you had a better period and thanks for the wise(as usual) words.
Stella

Patricia

January 12, 2008 - 5:08pm

Good post...I've had most of those thoughts myself..about my belly.

I must say that it took my wise, 26 year old daughter to cause me to have a DAH! moment when she pointed out to me that yes, all the fuss about being able to fit into a size 2 or even 0, IS to make women appear smaller... In fact, let's make women so small, that they nearly disappear! I think there may be more than a bit of validity in this. Don't fall for it ladies. We are vital to life in every size!

Take good care of yourself.
Patricia

Zelda

January 12, 2008 - 6:46pm

Smaller, smaller women. Although I have to say being on the tall side...
I do have a number of very small GF's. and good -golly are they some fierce women !
By far, scarier than my tall friends.
But I really like the logic. I think it makes sense. A big luscious uninhibited
Woman is far more spectacular than some half-starved waif. It's a persuasive argument
for being true to yourself... Who wants to be diminished ?
Zelda

elleninala

January 15, 2008 - 9:53pm

My experience is that I had a pot belly almost from early puberty. When it was noticed and I was told to hold it in, I resented that and generally didn't try to do so. So I've had a somewhat protruding belly all my adult life and I have not liked it but have not taken steps to do anything about it except try to camouflage it.

I don't know whether my having resisted the admonitions to suck my belly in has helped or hurt me regarding prolapse.

What I do regret is not having taken better care of myself in general regarding diet and exercise. I still haven't arrived in that department, and struggle with it day to day.

I find that holding the WW posture elongates my belly into a prettier shape. That alone is motivation to use it.

Ellen

ATS

January 18, 2008 - 2:21am

I struggle in the exercise and diet department also. I need to make a HUGE effort though as this rectocele is really getting me down and worrying the life out of me.